Sometimes, Halifax just wants to get laid. No judgment here. You do you, HRM. We asked you to describe—in explicit detail—your last one-night stand as part of this year's Sex + Dating survey, and you certainly delivered. Who knew Eric Andre was such a Cupid? Below are some of our favourite stories of passionate encounters, walks of shame and why it's maybe not the best idea to pick up at Pizza Corner.
“Was in Mexico and it was this very hot British guy who was way way out of my league. I chain smoked cigarettes and got black out drunk and ended up throwing up on him. Somehow he still wanted to have sex with me.”
“He came over to my place. We went to the bedroom and I gave him oral followed by him fucking me. Then he got dressed and left. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.”
“We met over Tinder when I was visiting friends and family in Toronto this past spring. We met up for drinks and dancing, then went back to her place and got right to it. It was my first Tinder hookup and one of the few one-night stands I've ever had. What was awesome about it was how present and direct we both were. It was hot, mutually hella consensual and lovely.”
“Ran into this one-time Tinder date that didn't go anywhere at my first Wet Spot least year. The eyes they made just about dropped me. Drew me right in. It's all about the eyes, right? We squeezed, kissed and clawed until deciding it was probably time to go home. We hastily got it on at my place, which was wonderful. She had to go home and actually invited me! When I walked her home SUPER late we had a repeat, slept and carried on once again in the late morning after waking up all flustered and hot. We absolutely soaked two beds that night/the next day. It was the rolling hips, telling eyes, and dirty mouth...can't forget ‘em.”
“I went on one date with a tall and handsome Cape Bretoner who appeared, at the time, to be interesting and attentive. The next weekend he came to a party I was having and kissed me for the first time. He ended up staying over that night, but the sex was horrible. Very let-me-lay-on-you, and his penis was kind of small. I kind of felt like I was getting the grossies (that squeamish feeling of suddenly not liking someone of the opposite sex), so I didn't agree to see him again and he became weirdly defensive and told me that he was only interested in getting to know me “physically.” Not sure how I missed the warning signs, but he was a jerk and the sex was blah.”
“She came back to my place and we watched a movie and then we moved into the bedroom. We kissed and touched for a long time and then just before the sun started to come up we were completely naked and going all the way. It was a lot of fun and she was a dirty talker, which was cool. I went to work and she headed home that morning. This wasn't intended to be a one-night stand. We texted and talked on the phone a few times over the next two weeks, but we never managed to find a time to get together and then the calls and texts got further apart. Then my phone bit the dust and I lost all her contact info.”
“My last one nighter was with a guy I had kind of seen around town. He asked me if I wanted to go to this after party and do some Molly I said yes. We went and did a bunch of Molly and coke talked about hooking our mutual gay friend up with a better guy then went back to his place. I acted interested in his like RANDOM fucking Harry Potter in Pokemon styles cards. Yeah, IDK WTF was going on there. Then we started making out and he pulls out his small dick which I'm pretty pissed about seeing how tall he was (it's not a science but it's my science), and then we proceed to have sex which wasn't SO bad but really wasn't great either. He knew how to overcompensate for his little package. Was going to use him for sex for at least a couple months till I started dating again but turns out he had a girlfriend who I saw all the damn time so I swore off sex till I'm in a committed relationship...16 months later I've been on a lot of dates but no sex.”
“Met up with a friend at a Gus' dance party, parted ways when they closed. Went for after-party drinks elsewhere, got the booty-call text. Went back to my place, had a rockin' good time. Ex I hadn't seen in years was visiting my roommate when we got out of bed the next morning. Satisfying.”
“Got drunk at Cheers and ended up at a student’s apartment. Very insecure girl that left in the middle of sexy times just so that she could shave her bush. She passed out before anyone could finish. Not the greatest of nights.”
“Don't want to think about it. A couple days after we had sex he was murdered.”
“Met on a Sunday at brunch, started sexting all week, only to meet him on the following Saturday afternoon at his place, then find out later that night when I mentioned his name that he had a long term girlfriend he told me NOTHING about. Caught him out at the Bitter End with yet another girl, too. So I messaged her on FB. Plus it was barely average size, and barely average sex for a guy who talked a BIG talk. Not worth the drama.”
“I was invited to a Christmas party from a friend I recently met. I ran into someone at the party whom I had been texting with every day with the intention of going on a date once our schedules became less hectic. He was there with his girlfriend. (He failed to mention that part. FML.) I ended up hooking up with the friend who invited me to compensate for my internal humiliation and frustration. It was late. I had been drinking way too much wine and smoking way too many joints. It was mediocre at best, given the context. I regretted it and verbally said so the next morning (although it was a completely mutual decision). The guy started thinking we were going to then begin dating and I had to quickly explain that would not be the case at all.”
“I was out on the town with my former coworkers and acquaintances of the group, and after a night of many beers and vigorous dancing, I straggled out into the street to find a cab. A coworker I had occasionally flirted with called to find out what happened to me, invited me to his place nearby, and grabbed me on the stairs up to his apartment. We had passionate, filthy sex on the stairs and also in his room. I hope his roommates didn't mind, but I will never see them again as I quit my job very shortly thereafter and completely lost contact with the coworker.”
“He was a friend of a friend. One of those guys that stays on the couch. Doesn't pay rent or chip in at all. We had never flirted or anything, but when my regular piece said I was too drunk, and that he was staying home, I text this guy to say ‘what's up?’ He was awake, and I said ‘Do you want to have sex with me?’ Straight up. He said yes, came over and fucked me three times. It was disappointing. I thought he would be more aggressive, but he was all, ‘Could you put your mouth on my penis?’ Seriously? Tell me to get down there and suck your cock. He was young. Eight years younger than myself. He woke up super early the next morning, and was like, ‘Do you have cable?’ No dude, I don't. I put a movie on for him to watch while I slept off the booze, and then had to drive him home. I felt like I was babysitting. No mas.”
“We get in a cab and she declares that we're going back to my place to have sex. I was like, that's cool and all, but I'm on my period, so...I'll do you. We go to my room and we're making out, but she is clearly not into it. She asks for me to touch her lady bits. So I do. But they're dry AF. I'm like, ‘what's wrong?’ And she's like, ‘spit on it.’ And that's when my lady half-boner went completely limp. The next morning was the most awkward sitch. I still see her around. Eeeeep”
“Ended up having sex with my ex at a house party. My ride had forgotten me in the morning and I was out in St. Margarets Bay so I had to get my ride to come back and get me from lack of busses. Waiting for a ride after backsliding with my ex made me feel dirty and empty. Promised myself I wouldn't ever have a one-night stand again, and the next time I had sex it would be with someone I cared about. That didn't happen for five years. So, in my late teens-early twenties I had a five-year dry spell. Was it worth the wait? Hell yes! Learned a lot about what I liked and didn't like on my own time, and that it's important to communicate what you like to your partner.”
“My last one-night stand began when we went to see Eric Andre perform for Pop Explosion. We watched his crazy performance and at the end we went to go talk to him. Eric Andre was pretty out of it and handed the ‘gentleman’ I was with a small packet of an unknown substance (I thought it was weed) that someone had given him from the audience. Once we left I demanded we look at what he gave us and it turned out to be really dry shrooms. This was at about 2am on a Saturday, so we decided the best option was to get pizza to sprinkle them on, because if you get drugs intended for Eric Andre you have to do them then and there. The first pizza place we went to had NO pizza and two people power puking so we ran away, but eventually got pizza, took it up to his room and waited. Nothing happened. And then it took another four hours to make a move. But SOMETHING happened. 9/10”
“We met online. He picked me up. We went for a walk in a secluded wooded area near the airport. We found a little bridge. He suggested we jump in the water and wade around the corner. Before I knew it we were naked and fucking outside in the stream with the light shining through the trees. Hot. And wet.”
“I was still pretty drunk when we got to his place. Drunk enough that when he told me he deals drugs—HARD drugs—I didn't care. I just wanted to get in bed with him. So we started going at it, things got pretty heated. Now, I've seen a few dicks in my day. I've seen big ones, small ones, oddly shaped ones and the like. But this is the biggest one I've ever seen. Like, STUPIDLY big. 'I'm-worried-this'll-tear-something' big. This is not the kinda dick you want in you. Drunk me didn't realize this, or just didn't care. Drunk me is an asshole.”
“I met him on Tinder and was just looking for a fling. He was in the navy, and was set to deploy for the Mediterranean in two days. We met at Field Guide for drinks and hit it off so well we got into a snowball fight and ran back to my apartment holding hands. We spent that night together and the next before he left, and exchanged our favourite novels as mementos. Just what I was looking for!”
“It was awful. He was super hot and I was really into him. I threw a party and he showed up with his loser bro buddies and they were assholes all night. He stayed over, we fucked and he was like a damn jack hammer the whole time. Race to the finish line. I will never understand how any guy thinks that's enjoyable. I don't want to wake up with a bruised pelvis from you smashing me with your dick. Simmer down.”
“Threesome with two girlfriends. They didn't know I was sleeping with the other, but it was hot hot hot. One girl lived in my building, the other was sleeping over. Neighbour dropped by and totally fell for my date. Hot hot sex, neighbour left after but came back in the am for round two. Needless to say when they figured it out, I was the odd person out. Oh well, fun while it lasted.”
“Oh god. Picked up a guy I'd met a few times before while drunk at Pizza Corner around 3am, slipped home on the ice (was last winter) and fell shattering my phone screen. Went to his place and the DOOR KNOB fell off his bedroom door so we were locked in until his roommate came home the next morning to let us out! After a night of mediocre sex and an awkward morning wake up I had to make my way through a storm home to my parents house where I had been staying. Worst walk of shame ever.”
“He was seven years older than me. We matched on Tinder and my roommate/coworker and I went over to smoke a joint after work. I could sense how much older he was when we spoke but I hadn't gotten laid in a while so I figured I'd ignore it. My roommate passed out in his bed and when things got sloppy I asked her to get out of the bed so I could have sex with this reasonably-attractive older dude. She said ‘No, I'm too tired. Just do it next to me.’ I had no idea how to react but it was getting late and I was getting almost too tired. I said ‘really?’ To which she responded ‘yeah dude, just don't bump me.’ (That's how you know your friend is a good friend.) We had bad sex and we did indeed bump against her a few times. We took a selfie next to her sleeping (which she loved the next day) and I left a necklace there and never went back for it. Sorry dude”
“We had been playing beer pong for a while, and he wouldn't throw the ball unless I was holding his hand. After we lost the game, he walked outside and I followed. I said ‘What's up babe?’ as I drunkenly put my arms around his waist to check out what I might be dealing with later on. The rest of the conversation was a drunken blur. I continued my cycle of going in and out of the house...foreshadowing. Later that evening I found him outside, and started moving closer while he talked about his job. He said ‘You know, I'm not usually the type to kiss girls I don't know so well.’ And I said ‘Fuck normality. Kiss me.’ He did, and it was spectacular. As we were walking home together, I said ‘You know, I'm just going to level with you. We aren't having sex tonight.’ He nervously giggled. ‘Umm, yeah, that's no problem! Thanks for telling me...I guess? I appreciate your honesty.’ Turns out, I did want to have sex. He couldn't get it up. He stayed over, and I drove him home in the morning.”
“I was desperate enough for the cuddles that I took a cab to his place. No, not his place, his friend’s place. When I got to the apartment building, he answered the door in his underwear and took me to the apartment. We immediately undressed and started kissing our way to his friend’s room. He insisted to go condom-less and, against my better judgement, I agreed. First me on him, but I was too nervous for anything to happen. Then him on me, but I was locked tighter than a Swiss bank account. He decided that to loosen me up a bit, we should do MDMA. I've never planned to do it before, but with his insistence and against my better judgement, I agreed to do the tiniest line. Now him properly fucked and me still in this for whatever reason, tried again. But nothing was getting through my bank security without a bit of loosening, and ow those attempts were painful. So we just cuddled and slept. So fun.”
“I'm at a friend's wedding and have been chatting with one of the only single girls going to the wedding for a couple weeks leading up to it to lay the groundwork. As usual for a wedding, I drink a lot to make it feel like I'm bringing the party. Dance plenty with this girl and we end up back at my motel room (yup, motel). Everything is going well. We're drunk, but I'm impressed with my foreplay skills as it feels like the juices are flowing. I'm too drunk to finish, no big deal, maybe in the morning. So I wake up with a killer headache and get up to grab a glass of water. I look at my hands which appear rather dirty. A quick look around shows red smears and hand prints everywhere. Turns out it wasn't my foreplay skills. I rush to the mirror to check my face, thankfully that's all clear. We mention nothing to each other about it. I don't answer the call from the motel telling me they're charging me for the sheets.”
