Dr. dFunkt
Dr. dFunktSunday, Jan. 6, 1:09am, at The MarqueeAaron Fraser
Letter to my boss to let off steam before I quit!
I do not have a barcode and a label “made in Japan” stamped on the back of my neck. Therefore I am not a robot that is programmed to do non-stop repetitive tasks for 9 hours a day, and to do them perfectly. I am going to screw up. I am a human being. I’m…
Media Feeding Frenzy
If I have to see one more goddamn story on ‘Britney in Crisis’, I will fucking scream louder than Mayor Kelly getting it up the ass. Who the fuck cares about this little psycho attention whore? My Jesus, there are people hungry and cold in our province and country and all the media can pay…
Love the Way We Bitch
When you look at the lane in front of the Armoury do you see yellow lines, an attendant, or a sign indicating parking rates? No, you don’t. Want to know why? Because it’s not a FUCKING PARKING LOT. Listen, I get it – it’s a great place to drop people off – except that it…
Catholic Church Claptrap
Recently, I heard that the current Pope stated that all non-Catholics are going to hell, that the only people who would go to heaven would be Catholics. Give me a fucking break. First, let me say that I think all religion is bullshit – most of the ills, evils and wars have been started in…
New Year’s Hit & Run
To the drunk asshole who drove a grey truck with a ‘Colonial Honda’ license plate on New Year’s Eve – you smashed into my car on Quinpool Road at around 2:30am, and drove away like a fucking coward. In case you were too drunk to remember, you put it in reverse and slammed on the…
Parents should parent!
This goes out to the parents who attend school concerts or other public events and let them run all over the place and rudely disrupt others. Parent your kids! Model and instruct how to sit patiently, listen attentively, and show appreciation for the efforts of those who organize such things. Frustrated with Rudeness
Metro Transit drivers (#6 route)
I am so sick and tired of hearing “this is the wrong side of the street” or “you need to cross the road and get on at that stop” Look, do you see a crosswalk ANYWHERE near Armdale Pizza? do you see the amount of cars on the road and ICE on the side walk?…
Unholy pig of a boss
My boss is a complete asshole. I can’t think of a good enough word to describe how much of a dick this guy is. That lazy piece of crap, I swear I’ve never met someone who really fuckin grinds my gears like that man. Complains about the dumbest things, never listens to what you have…
Halifax Cab Drivers
Alright, I know you drive all day/night, and have been doing it for several years, but you think that your driving skills would imrpove, not diminish. It seems like every cab driver in this city has completely forgotten everything they learned in drivers ed. When you’re at a red light, wanna turn left, and the…
Put it out or get out
This is to all you ignorant, illiterate fuckheads that smoke in Metro Transit shelters. Can you NOT read the NO SMOKING sign printed along the glass? None of us that don’t smoke want to breathe in your toxic fumes while we wait for a bus. Have a little common courtesy and deal with the rain,…
Missing my sweet, sweet alarm clock.
To the assholes that live above me…why the fuck do you feel the urge to stomp around your apartment at 3 am with your fucking stilettos on? Seriously! I’d like to be woken up by my alarm clock for a change, not your stupid-ass heels. TAKE THEM OFF! Seconds From Murder
ex friend blues
your nothing but a manipulating abusive bitch. I’m tired of being slapped around You won’t beat me again I refuse to ever be treated that way again. I won’t participate. I don’t know what to do when a girl beats a boy. I can’t hit back so what. I swear to god if you hit…
Tis The Season
I know it’s a little past the season, but thinking back it’s still pisses me off. I’m sick of all these anti-religious activists that are trying to get Christmas removed from everything. It might not be as bad in Canada as it is in the States, but seriously folks. Christmas is fucking Christmas. We all…
Is it just me
or does anyone elses head want to explode if you pick up Feces or Faces magazine. Good god almighty can this city get anymore douche-tastic. Exclusive party pics from the Palace…..thank god now my day is complete. deadspinner
Movie critic
Mark Palermo is an idiot. He wouldn’t know a good movie if it hit him in the face. Seriously, when I can read one of his reviews without laughing, I basically use it as an indication that I’ll have the opposite opinion on any movie he writes about. c’mon he didn’t like “Into the Wild”…
Stupid effin’ cattle on transit buses
Here’s my rant- If the bus is getting full why the fuck does the driver have to tell you idiots ALL of the time to move to the back? Why do you idiots insist on bunching up near the front? Also, why won’t ANYONE make an effort to open a window when the bus is…
#1? #80? #42?
don’t say, “i’ve never been on a bus” with such content. you sound like ignorant, spoiled, narrow-minded jackasses. open your eyes and a book, grow some fucking common sense and brains. welcome to reality boys and girls. HO HO HO
Snow Removal Discrimination?
Ok this is a bitch about the fact that in Dartmouth we have our sidewalks cleared for us by the city (note: Dartmouth also has lower property taxes) but everyone across the harbor who pay a lot more in property taxes have to clear their walks. What is up with that? Here’s another little tidbit…
Slumlord
A gigantic megacorp is buying up all these cheap properties and not repairing their messes. I moved in to my unit and three times the tub from upstairs flooded our basment unit not too mention the fact we had spiders as big as your thumb etc. I was told by MegaCorp that i could move…
Screaming Wolf
To the morons (male and female) outside my downtown apartment window most weekend evenings on your way back from the bars, STOP SCREAMING. We have a crime problem in this city and we also have a problem with people looking the other way. I am sick of running to look out my window every time…
Sushi Nasty
You are one asshole manager. I ordered sashimi appetizer, it was frozen solid. I know its supposed to be cold. I know how both sushi and sashimi are stored, prepared and served you idiot. You coming to my table to berate me/try to humiliate me publicly when I said I wasnt going to pay for…
Unopened Presents
I was fortunate enough to spend a couple of days between Christmas and New Years in Toronto and sucked up all the End of Year lists I could find, especially in the competing weeklies, Eye and Now Magazines. Today Julien Schnabel’s The Diving Bell & The Butterfly opened in Halifax, one of the films that…
You’re people not a roadblock
This is to all the assholes out there that feel it’s their personal duty to stand in groups in the middle of sidewalks, hallways, and entrances chatting it up with friends. You’re fucking people, not roadblocks, haul your ass to the side so that people that would like to use these places for… you know…
Ellen Page on Letterman
Funny, gracious and historically accurate, Ellen Page works it on Letterman last night. Dave has a history of loving certain ladies–Julia Roberts, Ellen Barkin, Amy Sedaris, Drew Barrymore, to name a few–and if the interview and the length of the parting handshake was any indication, expect to see Ellen back on the show. Watch here.…
going shopping?
I work in the mall, I work in a clothing store, I’m going to ask you if you need any help. I can’t read your minds. I know it’s Christmas and you’re stressed out. Don’t act like such assholes when I ask you if you need any help. It’s my job, I HAVE to ask…
Get on a plane
I’m really sick of seeing hundreds of online groups, such as “Let’s bring Ikea to Halifax, Let’s bring Val Halen to Halifax, Let’s bring Chucky Cheese to Dartmouth Crossing!” Stop defining this city based upon what it lacks and start enjoying the many qualities it possesses. Did you know that our music and bar scenes…
Order of Canada
Collectively, this year’s Order of Canada recipients, (including Walter Gretzky and Paul Schaffer) might not make up a stellar talk-show band, but they are in excellent company, especially with the inclusion of now-departed AGNS director/chief curator, Jeffrey Spalding (his predecessor Bernard Riordon was named to the Order in 2002). A nice legacy for Spalding to…
January arts
January. Blah. It’s hard to see past the dried pine needles and chocolate foil wrappers trapped in the floorboards. But if the following is any indication, 2008’s arts department looks promising. Peel away from the Fresh Prince reruns and take the 52 bus to MSVU Gallery to see For Example (January 25-March 23), where Stephen…
Thanks fucker
This is to the asshole(s) who broke into my mothers car. FUCK YOU. It was a brisk Wednesday January the 2nd and you mondo shitbags decided to try and steal my mothers purple Crystler by the waterfront ferry terminal in dartmouth. If you were actually mentally fit to stealing it, all you could do is…
We could have all this genius, but nooooooooooo…
Hypothesis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQrcNujVTPA&eurl=” target=”_blank”>Celine Dion is fucking amazing. Thanks Tara Thorne for this gem.
New Year’s Eve party
New Year’s Eve partyTuesday, January 1, 12:31am, at Windsor St.Aaron Fraser
The Olympic Symphonium
If one of your New Year’s resolutions is to relax and drink more pints in 2008, this Saturday, January 5 show at Ginger’s Tavern is your bull’s eye (show at 10pm). Don Brownrigg and The Olympic Symphonium are on the bill, and their aim is to please. The Olympic Symphonium (Nick Cobham, Kyle Cunjak, Graeme…
Contrived, heavy meadows, The Remains of Brian Borcherdt
Friday, January 4 at The Marquee Club, Contrived are set to tear the lid off this mother with the help of The Remains of Brian Borcherdt and heavy meadows (10pm, $8 at the door). Contrived has kept a low profile lately—likely due to other musical commitments—but a new album is expected soon, which undoubtedly has…
the next guy….
…that i come across blocking traffic on akerley for a fucking coffee when i am on my way to work is going to get his fucking face broken. Stop at the one closest to your house moron, or fucking get out and go in…do all you fucking assholes have to go through drive through??? The…
Shut up LIMP
Q I’m 19, female, bisexual, have been with the same guy for a year and things are great. I came home for Christmas and he went to his parents’ house, and I’ll see him in a few weeks. For Christmas, my mom got me some typical “mom” gifts—socks and underwear—but the panties had Disney princesses…
Remembering Helen Hill
It is difficult to express the loss of Helen Hill. It’s like Tinkerbell at her very best, murdered. Her middle name was Wingard. Helen Wingard Hill. In death most everyone gets talked up, becomes bigger and better, becomes kinder, smarter, gentler, funnier. There is no need to talk up Helen Hill. It may not even…
Clocking on
I’m convinced. If I just had the right alarm clock, it would be a whole lot easier to wake up in the morning. You see my reasoning here, of course: wake up more easily, have a better day, be a better me. BAM! Get the right clock and all my problems are solved. Enter Clocky.…
Home cooking
Looking for modern Canadian cuisine? Look no further than Nova Scotia.
Juno
The bourgeois appeal of the American “indie film” (e.g. Little Miss Sunshine) didn’t bode well for the insular prospect of Juno. But it’s a sharper movie than its trailer indicates—capable of real sincerity, especially when it doesn’t push for it. Sixteen-year-old Juno (Ellen Page) responds to her father’s putdown that he never thought she’d be…
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
A second-tier Tim Burton movie is still pretty close to the A-game. Giving Stephen Sondheim’s 1979 horror stage musical a big-screen treatment, Burton lands his grimmest material yet. The sheer fatalism in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street verges on shallowness, but Burton gives Sondheim’s tragedy a sly makeover, using an Expressionistic look…
Broken English
Broken EnglishDirected by: Directed by Zoe R. Cassavetes MagnoliaWhen I told my boyfriend I was reviewing a film called Broken English, he used his savvy know-how about lame movie titles to predict that the film would be about miscommunication. And so it is—both metaphorically (single Nora has difficulty speaking the language of love) and literally…
Heavy metal
People talk about making the New Year a time for resolutions. Some people actually make good on the talk. You can count Dorothée Rosen among those who follow through. The Halifax jeweller returns after a lengthy hiatus from making and exhibiting work with a show at the Mary E. Black Gallery, called Selective Intuition. (Her…
Ground control
With success comes stress, and the ordinarily blissed-out crew at Anew Airship is getting their first taste of both. Jeremy Francis, the band’s singer-songwriter, has just flown in from Los Angeles, where he spent three weeks recording demos with Peter Prilesnik, a producer who’s worked with acts like Sarah Harmer, Big Sugar and Great Big…
DJ Tittsworth w/Double A, T-Woo, Ghettosocks, Cosmo and Lucky Comix
Since its debut last October, Fast Times, the monthly DJ/art showcase at The Marquee Club, has quickly established itself as the premiere dance party in Halifax. For those of us with two left feet, dancing downtown is usually a cover band at The Lower Deck. Or if you’re a little more coordinated, top 40 at…
What Halifax is
A friend flying from Toronto to Halifax on Boxing Day told me about an article in that day’s Star. “Everyone was reading it on the plane,” she said. No surprise. The piece—headlined “Will Halifax get its groove back in 2008?”—put its finger on local angst about what it called “a year of missing out on…
CD reviews
Colour me pretty with The Hives, Brooke Miller, Nordic Nomadic, Bran Van 3000 and Wu-Tang Clan & searchable archives
Book reviews
Good crop/bad crop by Devlin Kuyek & searchable archives.
No-brainer
There was a big one in December: I Am Legend, starring the world’s biggest movie star Will Smith, which broke box-office records. There were a couple last summer: 28 Weeks Later (the sequel to Danny Boyle’s shockingly good 28 Days Later), and Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror segment of Grindhouse. We even had one homegrown: Fido,…
Live music photos
New Years Eve party by Aaron Fraser & searchable photo archives
DVD reviews
Interview, directed by Steve Buscemi & searchable archives.
Halifixes ’08
Grand Parade skatingThe bitter cold has Haligonians using their imaginations again. What better way to celebrate the season than to lace up and enjoy a leisurely skate outdoors? On Grand Parade perhaps? Believe it or not, our winter fantasies are attainable. Andy Fillmore, urban design project manager for the city, says the short-term possibility for…
Alternative astrology
Be the chief bullshit detector of 2008, Leo, says Rob Brezsny.
Better drinking
Let’s admit it: Halifax has a drinking problem. No, I’m not jumping on the anti-booze bandwagon. Far from it. I like drinking, I like bars and, in fact, if you look around these few pages, you’ll see that The Coast, my employer, has no qualms about advertising bars. The problem isn’t drinking or drinking establishements.…
