to a certain lesbionic bookshop with a dildo wall......when I come in to buy aforementioned dildo, I do NOT want to talk to you! just because I'm in your store doesn't mean I am a hippy bisexual lesbian who wants to eat granola off my tattooed girlfriends nipple ring...I just want a dildo.

and whilst picking out this wand-o-pleasure, I don't need to discuss with you it's merits or how good it is or how you really enjoyed it when your girlfriend shoved it up your ass it made you squirt like niagra falls. listen: I'm buying this one AGAIN because I wore out my first one- clearly I know how good it is. if I were having trouble deciding what I wanted to put inside me, then maybe I'd ask you.

and finally, after I've paid and am about to return to the land-of-showering, please don't slip pamphlets for hippy gatherings or how-to-peg-your-boyfriend learning sessions into my bag. I don't want them and you just made more litter; bravo hippy, bravo.

go fuck yourself with something hard and sandpappery