People, we need not fear the terrorists. We need not fear H1N1. It isn't Israel, or the United States. We need to fear a group of scientists who work for an organization called CERN.

For years, these nut jobs have been building something called the Large Hadron Collider, which is a device created to find a extremely rare particle called the Higgs-Boson. Apparently this particle is the foundation of the Big Bang. So, finding this particle would prove the Big Bang theory, and in doing so could be considered the most significant scientific find since gravity. The problem is this: the project has been stalled and plagued with problems from the beginning. In fact, the project has just recently started back up after an errant baguette (damn French) hit a cooling tower. Now the scary part. A theory has arisen that the particle is so abhorrent to nature that the particle itself has gone BACK IN TIME to stop itself from being discovered. You read that right. It went back in time. This time it was just a bird manipulated into dropping it's bread. Next time, it'll be a black hole to annihilate the humanity.

I propose that we stop CERN and it's search. Lest we incite the wrath of the Higgs-Boson! All hail the Higgs-Boson!