On average, you'll have The Sex with me once a month. That's 12 times a year. If every time was a great time, well, it'd be plenty.

But the quality -

In the two and a half years we've been dating, you've gone down on me twice. Fair enough - maybe it's not your thing - and, you know what, I can live without it. But the concept of foreplay, any and all, seems beneath you, because when you do get around to giving me my monthly poking, your approach is, without fail, as follows:

1. Insert penis into vagina
2. Thrust
3. Ejaculate
4. Withdraw penis from vagina.

I bored myself just writing that.

I love you, but your minimalist approach to 'love-making' just isn't working for me. Sometimes you barely even touch me during the act; you just lie on your back and stretch your arms out. Comfortable, dear?

(On that note: I'm tired of being on top. When did cowgirl become the only position? We used to have at least three in our repertoire. Let's spice it up with some missionary!)

You say you love me, you're still attracted to me, blah blah blah.

So what is it? Work? Stress? Depression? Someone Else? A Kink? Low Libido? Too much porn? Too little? Talk to me! Tell me what it is! I've been asking you for a year now, and you keep telling me that there is no problem. Well, damn it, there is.

Because, right now, my best guess is that you're just a lazy fucking lover. I'm actually nostalgic for the days of yore, when my sex life wasn't on the list of things that depress me.

Monogamy shouldn't be this dry. —Girlparts getting dusty