Laundry for dummies

You’ve crossed into the river Styx of textiles, a hall of tumultuous water-wheels where your clothing goes to be drowned and resurrected. You even have a pocket full of gold and silver coins to pay the ferryman. This whirling, whirring room is a kaleidoscope of cracks: cracked linoleum seat covers, cracked tile flooring and crackling florescent lights. It smells like bleach, soft linen and musty towels.

Stuff to know:

Dryer lint traps must be emptied every time you do a load to a) to avoid fire, and b) because if the trap is full your clothes will stay wet (points not necessarily in order of importance. Wet clothes stink).

Check the concentration of your detergent. Overdosing on highly concentrated detergent will result in a bubble bath for the laundromat’s checkerboard floor (maybe not a bad thing), or at very least skin irritation from soapy clothing.

The dryer will make that taco stain stay in your favourite ironic t-shirt for all of posterity. Don’t heat until the stain is beat. For stain removal advice…call your mom.

Stuff you need:

Dryer sheets or fabric softener Not because they make your clothes soft and meadow fresh, but because they keep other people’s linty residue from sticking to your Sunday best.

Extra change You can’t trust all dryers to finish in a single cycle. Especially if you over-stuffed it in the first place. There’s no skimping when you’re drying a February wardrobe of denim, flannel and wool.

Your homework This is the opportune time to catch up on those Medieval lit readings. Or you could spend your time on equally important things, like beating your personal best at Candy Crush.

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This article appears in Aug 21-27, 2014.