You need a muzzle

Dear obnoxious neighbor chick:

are you deaf? are you hearing impaired in some way? I wonder as I have absolutly no clue why the rest of the very small building should be subjected to your intense volume at all hours unless you are other-wise abled in some way. Seriously- I can feel the bass from your Simon and Garfunkle cd throuhg my floor. how loud do you have to blair folk music for me to be able to feel it in my soles???? yes, I realize you are a ‘singer songwriter’ but do so many cats have to die at such a high volume for you to practice your off key butchering of joni mitchel?

I realize a little neighbor noise is the price you pay for living in a building. but at 7 am on a sunday, 12:47 am on a thursday, and all hours in between at such a volume I cannot watch tv or enjoy a book or my own music without your perpetual soundtrack in my own apartment, I draw the line. I’ve asked you nicely. I’ve pounded on the floor (to which you pound back, or my favorite, when you kick in with your noise at 2:35 am on a tuesday- the day you got the drum kit I believe- and you screamed out the window “F off! and turned it up louder), and I, and everone else in the building, has complained to the landlord to no avail. maybe, because of your most recent antic (getting high and forgetting you had a pan of onions on the stove, resulting in thick black smoke wafting into the hall and setting off the smoke alarm in the builiding, neccessitating an evacuation and firefighter call at 3 am on a tuesday. at which point you laugh, don’t apologize for waking eveyrone up,a nd in fact yell at the girl who called 911 unaware this was just your stupidity and not a real emergency), you’ll finally get kicked out. you and your little dog too- which you let out of the building to roam the neighborhood, unattended. say it with me now- this is NOT the country, this is a busy city street, and that poor dog is going to get hurt if you keep doing that! and your pile of shoes in the hallway- who keeps every shoe they own on the very narrow landing outside their actual apartment anyway? maybe then I won’t ahve to listen to your noise, your ‘music’, your ‘singing’, smell your stinky food, have your crazy hippy friends propping open, and leaving it unattended and open, our ‘secure’ front door, and best of all not have to hear your enthusiastically loud lesbian sex at all hours (newflash- THAT’S the time you blare really loud music so the rest of us don’t have to hear you moan and groan. once more and the chorus of ‘oh yes oh yes spank me harder’ will begin from upstairs).

This article appears in Jun 19-25, 2008.