You are still single at 31 because no guy you meet is ever good enough for you. Yes, it’s wonderful to have standards, and being attractive, smart, funny, kind, educated, and career driven, you of all people should have them. But you always find some deal breaker: He’s not my type (as in too fat, ugly, etc), he’s broke, he’s weird, he’s too nice, he’s an asshole, he’s creepy….yet you complain about being single!
Hmm, ever heard of giving these guys a chance? They could be wonderful men but the second you see one flaw, you dismiss them. I doubt they’re all really as flawed as you say they are because none of the other women we know seem to have this issue, they all found great guys to spend their lives with. They are also attractive, kind, well grounded, and successful women.
And you continue to complain about there not being good men around. You are driving us all bananas! I’m telling you, YOU are the reason why you’re single, you’re passing up opportunity after opportunity to meet some wonderful male singles because you’re too judgmental and particular to give them the time of day! —Frustrated BFF who knows No one’s perfect
This article appears in Dec 26, 2013 – Jan 1, 2014.
the coast should provide a template for this bitch so all fervent posters can simply use he/she his/hers youse/yers whatever and post once weekly. all the picky women/men can read themselves into it
Hmmm….did it ever occur to you that she may actually be having a hard time finding a guy worth her time? All of those reasons (yes, even the “too nice” one) are totally legit reasons for not wanting to date someone. You doubt the men are as flawed as she says they are? Maybe they’re not as “wonderful” as you say they are. And maybe the other women you speak of are the type who need a man to complete them and just settled!
Tell her to just keep looking and keep a positive outlook. NOTHING is more unattractive than a negative attitude, imo. Also complaining about being single is a huge turn off to most guys. She sounds like she’s making herself crazy, and this time of year it’s easy to do, hard not to get lonely when you’re single for the holidays.
She’s waiting for Mr. Right to show up to be Mr. Wrong for her baby(s).
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WHAT IS A GOOD MAN?
“And you continue to complain about there not being good men around.” (Frustrated BFF who knows No one’s perfect)
The theoretical question, of course, is ultimately philosophical. It depends upon how “good” is defined. So how is good, in the relevant sense, defined? The further question is whether or not “good” in the relevant sense can be defined at all.
The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines good as “Having the right qualities, satisfactory, adequate” but this simply drives the question back to how “right qualities,” “satisfactory,” or “adequate” are themselves to be defined and so raises the question whether “good” can be defined in any meaningful sense at all. I would argue that, beyond certain uncontentious minimal qualities, “good” in the relevant sense cannot be defined at all. It is a subjective, idiosyncratic assessment which resists formal definition. So where do we go from here?
One place we can go is to question the validity of the entire bitch itself. “Frustrated BFF” claims to know that no one’s perfect but this claim, while commonplace, is based on an empty concept. “Perfect” is simply an extension of “good” and, in the same way, resists any formal coherent formulation. Who is the “perfect man?” What would he look like? Who knows?.
So what is philosophy’s answer to the question, “What is a good man?” Philosophy’s answer is that there is no answer. Does this render philosophy useless? Of course not. Philosophy enables us to understand that the question itself is incoherent. The consequence is that the single, accomplished thirty-one year old will either find a good man or she won’t. My advice, however, would be to start at the physical/sexual level and, if possible, build from there. If she can’t build from there then at least she will have had a good roll in the hay.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
X all that apply
Fat
Ugly ?
Broke X
Weird X
Nice X
Asshole X
Creepy ?
Fact of the proverbial matter is OP (sounding like bat shit crayons here)…your friend has been hurt in the past (or is simply a bitch)…she finds flaws in people because she is afraid they will reject her first or that her friends won’t like them or that she will like them too much and look silly, etc. Tell your friend to get out of her head OP, stop caring so much about what other people think and care more about what she actually wants. And under no circumstance should she have an online dating profile.
I don’t know… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you want and being rational about it.
I spent my twenties going after and being with guys who were all wrong for me for a variety of reasons. At this point in my life, I’ve realized that it just saves a whole lot of heartache, time and frustration to be strong at the onset and say ‘no,’ rather than give someone a chance you know you aren’t going to be happy with, especially when you know they don’t want the same things in life as you. After all, you can’t change someone (and forcing men into being with me, or doing what I want them to do just because I want them to do it isn’t my style and, in my opinion, is dripping with low self worth — I want someone to be with me because they want to!). So while I OMG have feelings for that guy who doesn’t want children, I know that a) he ain’t gonna change his mind and b) I won’t be happy with said person in the long run. So, while it’s hard right now, I’m saying no and sticking to it.
(There’s nothing worse than seeing someone in a relationship with someone who’s nagging them to do things they don’t want — from getting married, to having children or simply to move in with them, when they really don’t want to. Nagging and pressuring is just going to build resentment.)
Now that’s not to say I judge completely on initial meetings. I have met many men who I wasn’t initially attracted to (actually, the majority I’ve been attracted to) end up being the objects of my affections once I got to know them. For me, attraction isn’t skin deep and I definitely don’t believe in ‘love at first sight.’
In the end, I have my family, my cats, a bunch of good friends and my business/hobbies, some money in the bank, and that’s enough for me. If someone comes along, great. If not — my life isn’t going to crumble.
Of course as a single person in her 30s, surrounded by couples, I get lonely, but I’ve realized the best relationship I’ve ever had is the one I have right now: the relationship I have with myself.
While I’m not convinced this is the mindset your friend is in, OB, I will say that some of us who are “31” and “single” are pretty ok with that.
I originally was going to write that there are some people, men and women out there that are so insecure with themselves that they see failure and expect failure before they give anyone a chance, no matter how nice, good looking, have money, etc. this person may possess. I knew a female friend a while back in the 90’s and she was just like that, she had condemned herself as a self defeatist in my view and almost had anxiety attacks at the thought of meeting a new person. It could also stem from having had bad relationships prior that had a cause and effect ripple to her feelings and expectations.
Leave her the fuck alone. She is an adult capable of making her own decision. Maybe she waiting or maybe she doesn’t want to get married. What fucking business is it of yours?
I think OB has every right not to want to listen to her friend bitch about being single. That shit’s annoying.
eh… as someone who was terrified of commitment for a long time, it sounds like textbook commitment phobia. Not saying she doesn’t want a monogamous relationship, not all commitment fear is about that. In her case (as in mine) maybe she is afraid of getting stuck in a situation (or feeling stuck in a situation – nobody is ever really STUCK..) where she’s unhappy, unfulfilled or even abused. You can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone if those feelings just aren’t there.
We also have a hard row to hoe, those of us born in the last few generations, because our parents raised us to be self-centered. To believe that we are special and that the world should, and likely will, fall into our laps because of our abundance of talent, genius and beauty. This causes two things to happen. We expect perfection because we were raised to see ourselves as perfect. We hate ourselves, and do terrible things to our bodies and minds, if we perceive a single flaw in ourselves.
So we’re these disillusioned bundles of walking self-esteem issues and inflated ego. It’s not our fault.. not really. But it IS our responsibility to recognize it and do something about it.
scissors, i guess that the best reasoning i have heard for your generation, and for all generations.
there are so few parents who do a good job with raising new human beings
most times it’s an after thought, a by product, a mish mash of carrying on with family bad behaviour or with swinging wildly to the opposite.
generations raised to think they are entitled, generations raised to think they are little shits, generations raised in war, abuse, poverty, famine, generations raised with a belt and wooden spoon. and pockets of lunacy within all generations.
but the bottom line is recognize what is not your ‘fault’ but also, that just because it is not your ‘fault’ you don’t lie down and wallow in it. you use it as a tool, like a shovel, to help dig yourself out of the pit. you will understand better what some mysterious motivations are at work on you.
if your mom tied you down and practised diy accupuncture on you as a kid because she was nuts, yeah you are going to be a little fucked up. but that is NOT an excuse for lying in an alley with a needle in your arm.
we own our own lives.
I know someone like this OB.
& its not just to do with a partner …everything is always too big or too small or to tall or too short …too crispy , not crispy enough to warm to cold …it goes on & on & on ….
Which is why i spend as little time around them as I can, but while not family, they & their family have been have been around us for a long long time.
Luckily , we’re not BFF . You might want to pull back a bit , if your best friend is starting to drive you a bit around the bend, a rest is often a good thing.
This is a reject Seinfeld script, isn’t it? I got a gentle whiff of 1990s sitcom dust.
taint, i just cannot thank you enough for my dyson. soooooooooooo much easier than crawling around on hands and knees with a roll of scotch tape.
want a sandwich?
No problem, GDM. It’s always nice to see a woman who knows her place and appreciates quality items bought for you by a man. I would wager a guess that the Dyson was invented buy a man too, likely frustrated by coming home to a pigstye and a boatload of lame excuses.
As for the sandwich, I’ll have a turkey bacon club add avocado and, spinach instead of lettuce.
Molly I totally agree. I am a huge proponent of what you’re saying and this was after years of being very entitled and realizing “Uh, shit. This isn’t going to work for me”
So yeah. Totally on the same page.
However, you never get past everything at the same time. And I do think being passed out with a needle in your guttersnipe arm is a far cry from wanting a perfect partner. Both destructive, for sure. But not to quite the same magnitude 🙂 Usually anyway..
I was always sorta under the impression all girls were programmed to chase a certain type of guy that does not exist!
He got sick of having to bend all the way over to pick up his bowling ball…
swordfish. We are not pumped out in a factory with the exact same microprocessor. We’re people.
Just like you.
I know. Weird right?
Sorry RWS not meant to be offensive…. I do have a hard time trying to see things from the ladies perspective, However I do try it from time to time….lol