Every day it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I can’t eat and day after day I spend more time either crying, or trying not to cry than not. I’m on the maximum dose of two of the most powerful anti depressants on the market, but I still feel like shit day in and day out. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of saddness. The days blend together like a lull of grey and most of the time I’m just going through the motions of living without actually doing so. A psych referral has gone in, but who knows when that will come through? What do I do in the meantime?

I want the hurt and the crying and the heartbreak to go away and I want to be happy again and enjoy all that life has to offer. I have a great family, wonderful friends and a job I actually like, yet I still can’t make myself be happy or anything other than monumentally sad. I feel like I’m all alone; like I’m in a room filled with people, screaming at the top of my lungs and no one notices. The thing I want most is for it to be a year ago, when I was happy. When this monster was tucked safely away in the deep hollows of my bedroom closet. When I was free.

Fuck you clinical depression. —Sad Girl

This article appears in Mar 24-30, 2011.

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66 Comments

  1. I can’t tell you that it gets better OP. I won’t tell you to snap out of it or work through it. I can suggest that you seek the joy in the small things where you find them. The people who care for you may think that they can help fix you. They can’t, but they can give you a soft place to land. Let them. Courage OP, my heart aches for you.

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  2. Hey Kid, when I was at my darkest, two things saved me, my friends and my dog, they made me care, and get out the door.

    As I suggested to someone else in another thread, see if you can borrow a friends dog or cat, unconditional love is manna for the hurting soul.

    The Coburg coffee house is having a games night tonight, better that than what you were going to do. http://coburgcoffee.com/

    Feel bettr soon.

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  3. I too would suggest a kitty :). Whenever you feel like crap and they come running over to you with their bellies jiggling, pupils dilated and tails whipping around, nothing beats it! And then how they look so at peace and cute while sleeping and how they lick their paws and rub it against their face to clean the food off after they pig out ;D!! And how just petting them makes their day …. I’ll stop.

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  4. i concur with what ivan says. you are not alone, many of us struggle daily. the drugs don’t sound like they are working…be as proactive as you can, yell for help if need be

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  6. I would suggest you borrow the fur wrapped love at first. Then, when you feel the responsibility part can be handled, you can think about getting your own full time companion. Caring for an animal can be overwhelming when you are already overwhelmed, but if you can take the love then send it back, it eliminates any stress. The best part about a part-time love is that you miss it when its gone–it leaves a hole–so you have the joy of reunion when you invite it back = )
    Animals keep it simple and their joys are uncomplicated–and sometimes this is just what we need.

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  7. I will admit, the kitties do help scare away the depression monster.

    I’ve made some pretty bad decisions over the past 6-ish months and I’m living with the consequences now, and coming home after a particularly hard day… well it’s great to be greeted at the door and sung a little “welcome home, mommy” song by Oscar and his trademark leg rub and Molly’s chirping all “you’re HOME! YAY! LET’S CUDDLE! NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN” feels pretty darn good. Cats makes you feel wanted at your loneliest times (even if it IS only because they know you feed them :P).

    And… sometimes it can take a while for the drugs to kick in.

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  9. that’s where the problem is, fucking drugs for everything under the sun. reminds me of the movie,”thx1138″. where they had to basically take drugs every fucking day, for every fucking little thing.
    if they are not life sustaining drugs, get the fuck rid of them, for your own good and sanity. those fucking downers are no good. i have seen far too many good people, get really fucked up on them, and just become fucking zombies.

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  10. Oh for fuck’s sake!

    “White Knights of The Coast assemble!”

    You folks get trolled so hard at this shit that it is laughable.

    “When this monster was tucked safely away in the deep hollows of my bedroom closet. When I was free”

    Creative writing 101 for the win!

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  13. It doesn’t matter if it’s bogus, ML. The advice is sound for anyone who IS depressed and the sediment from the community is heartening.
    I’d pin a image of white knights here but if you google it, you get the KKK = p

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  14. Now it’s your turn to get outta my head Painey. Mind you, it’s spacious and pet friendly so stay as long as you want. RAWK!

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  17. Try Exercising, nothing like a good jog to get the juices flowing. You would be surprised at how good the “runners high ” actually feels. I agree with LS, doctors these days are to quick to prescribe drugs for everything and anything. Good luck.

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  18. Docs don’t tend to prescribe the max dosage of a medication, especially anti depressants at the onset or unless it’s completely necessary. The thing with mental illness is that for some, it’s the actualy chemicals in one’s brain that are fucked and they NEED mood altering meds to function properly. It pisses me off to no end when people slam anti depressants. ARE they prescribed too often? Sure, but that doesn’t mean SOME people don’t need them. Some people have tried therapy and have spent years with psychiatrists trying to work out what kind of therapy they need and the medication is just part of that. Some people can’t not be on meds no matter how much cognitive therapy they get.

    And if OP isn’t a fake, Sebastard and Matt Luthors likely just made them feel like a whole pile of shit. So on behalf of the OP, thanks for that, guys.

    Depression and other mental illnesses is no laughing matter. For some who are prone to this and other illnesses like GAD, clinical depression, OCD and especially Cognitive dissonance, any little thing can set them off and put them in a downward spiral. It may seem illogical to others, and it might even seem illogical to the person suffering from the illness themselves, but there’s nothing they can do about it. With mental illness, you can’t help how you feel.

    Sorry if I sound bitchy here, guys, but this is just something close to my heart strings for a number of reasons.

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  20. That was one sexy motherfucker! ^_^

    … and so was the guy who just came into my office. He could pull me out of a depressive episode ANY day of the week. meOW. LOL

    sorry guys, I got a case of the Fridays!

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  23. OP sounds like a melodramatic teenager who just broke up with their first bf/gf ever. My guess it’s sebastian pining over some dude who refuses to look at him.

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  24. NGF: you don’t have to have a specific reason to be clinically depressed. You could win the lottery and you’d still feel the exact same way OP feels. It’s something you can’t help.

    Huge difference between being clinical and “sad” because you broke up with someone.

    Fuck, this is why people with mental illness are so ashamed of themselves — it’s people like you, fatso!

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  25. I didn’t do anything wrong so spare me the prosecution, pal. This is the bitch board and not your personal Care-A-Lot.

    The flip side is that people can get depression treated. I did it. I know many others who have. Quit treating random folks as your personal buddy, Oscar.

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  27. Thanks, kim 🙂 It might be my greatest fault, but a) i wear my heart of my sleeve b) I make an actual effort (well not really an effort — it comes natural to me) to be a nice, warm person and c) I care about others. And I make no apologies for any of that.

    OP SAID they were getting treated and attempting to get further treatment. If someone in such pain wants to come on a BITCH board and let out their frustrations, then so be it. It’s pretty low to pick on someone going through a major depressive episode. Even for you, Tubzo.

    PS: I’d rather be an Oscar than a Cleo. At least Oscar isn’t a c-unit.

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  32. Hey Sad Girl. I would like you to know that it takes hard work and time to become healthy. When things seem tough, it’s important to find someone you can talk to and open up to. Medication and therapy do make a difference, but true recovery requires a change in behaviour and attitude. It took me a long time to learn that and start recovering. I’d hate for you to learn the hard way. If you’d like someone to talk to, e-mail me at jdouce14@gmail.com.

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  34. I’m sure Cleo would rather be a c-unit than an Oscar or a so-called “pretty kitty.” And I wasn’t picking on anyone. It’s just you looking to stir up some shit because there’s no cake mix in your apartment. Quit being a hater, hater!

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  38. Allumeur is right. It takes a lot of hard work. And you have to really want it and fight yourself everyday to get out of bed and to go to work and to try and function. A pill can’t just make you happy. You have to make yourself happy. I think every poster here as suffered or currently suffers from depression and we all have our own way to get throught each day. Its like being an alcoholic, you can be sober for years but you’re still an alcoholic taking it one day at a time.

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  39. I have to say, the positive comments are great and people on here really will reach out to someone in need.

    A pet is a good idea, but it doesn’t seem like you are lacking the feeling of being loved since you mentioned you have wonderful friends and a great family. I would suggest doing some charity work.. but not the kind where it’s passing out soup at shelters (not that there is anything wrong with that). My sister just came back from living in Africa for a few months where she took care of children at an orphanage, taught them English, built water wells etc. It brought her a lot of joy and I can see how happy she was to feel like she was making a change. If that is possible for you, maybe you should try something like that? Leave your comfort zone and travel over seas. Medication works for chemical imbalances, but not all depression is caused by things that can be resolved through meds. Some of us deep down need more meaning and to feel alive again, which is possibly what you may need? I know it feels like nothing is appealing to you, and you just want to lay there curled into your blankets but stay strong, it will eventually get better.

    It may not seem that way now but in your future you, will look back and be stronger for it, and help others who struggle as well. *hugs*

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  40. I agree with Pretty Kitty.. Many people do need prescriptions to feel better. Op, just trust your instincts if that is the route you’re going to take and make sure you have a doctor who cares about more than pushing meds.

    I was depressed for many years and although I’m better, I’m still prone to anxiety attacks .. I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness.

    It DOES get better.

    The more aware you are of your feelings the more good it does.. so keep on trying.

    You are NOT alone.

    xo,

    Best wishes

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  41. It’s quite heartwarming to see all the great responses to OP. Maybe I AM treating this thread like Care-a-lot, but this is a bitch that is very close to my heart. I’ve have GAD/OCD and Clinical depression since childhood, but was only diagnosed in 2003 after an awful awful full on mental breakdown. The only reason I’m sharing this is because a) mental illness isn’t something to be ashamed of and b) hopefully it can help others (such as the OP). I’ve been on medication for the better part of the past 8 years, along with a lot of therapy. Together with a psychiatrist/psychologist/GP, we’ve decided the best thing for me is to be on medication. Quite simply I need it. Back in 2008, I ended up in the ER with a severe panic attack. It had caused my blood sugar to rise to almost 30 and lasted over three hours. After an emergency referral to Mental Health Services, the treatment plan included ceasing the medication I was taking. I spent the next year in therapy twice a week learning techniques to help with an anxiety attack. However, no matter how many techniques I implored, I was often unable to stave off an attack and I was “scared” all the time over nothing. I remember one time being on the bus going over the old bridge. One second I was fine, the next I was frightened out of my mind for absolutely no reason. So, in consultation with my psychologist, psychiatrist and my GP, I once again went on medication — this time, though, we really worked at finding a combination of meds that worked best for me, and after 6 months or so I found such a combination, that, so far has worked well. However, it’s still a struggle every single day. Most days are good days, but I still have bad days here and there. The past 46 days, though, have been pretty hellish. I’m starting to come out of the depressive episode and I’m only having periods of intense sadness during the days instead of entire days spent being sad and trying to stave off crying, and like you, OP, I really don’t have anything to be “sad” about — great friends, family, career opportunities, etc…. But, I’m starting to get excited about things again, and trying my hardest to look forward to things, so I know things are going to be ok 🙂

    I hope this helps, OP. You really aren’t alone, and I promise you, you will feel better eventually. Just hang in there until then 🙂

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  43. “One second I was fine, the next I was frightened out of my mind for absolutely no reason.”

    I have had this feeling before, but it was due to night fears–waking up in the middle of the night absolutely terrified and not knowing why. I only did it 3 times in one year when I was a young adult, but I cannot imagine feeling that way suddenly in the middle of the day or outside the safety of my home.
    I mean, it was like fear had me gripped by the throat and I couldn’t shake it off no matter how I reasoned that there was no reason to feel that way. It wasn’t until I managed to fall back asleep and woke back up that I could lose the feeling.
    The last time I got it, it occurred to me that I most likely had a dream that caused terror and that I probably woke in the midst of it. Finding a probable explanation and accepting that I couldn’t do anything about it, I never did it again. Now, I don’t know if that is why I never had another episode, but I always assumed this to be the case.
    Or, it could have been the fact that after one year of marriage, I left the husband who had come so close to driving me insane = p

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  44. yikes gaslight comes to mind ms kim. those sound like night terrors, i had them as a kid and still do but not as much. sometimes when i first wake up, i only feel terror because there’s nothing there for that nanosecond. with the night heebie jeebie dreams i’ve taught myself to make a noise and either the bear wakes me up or the sound does

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  45. Many nights, as a kid, I felt terror. But, with no nonsense parents who didn’t tolerate ‘foolishness’, I managed to get through it–no night light permitted. They did feel pretty bad, though, when I screamed for help one night–there was a bat in my room–and all the help they offered was to yell from their room for me to stop being so foolish. Listening to them scream as the bat flew around their heads the next day was devilishly amusing = p.

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  48. You’re describing an asshole booth, More–only there’s no sunsets and music. Yeah, it’s a known-to-work therapy for people like sadgirl. She pushes the asshole in the booth, pushes a button, and voila! instant cheer = p

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  52. Kim you brought me to tears. My little guy went through a week of night terrors. It was rough. But everynight I went into his room and held him until he stopped crying.
    It broke my heart. I can’t believe your parents!

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  53. the boy had night terrors for a few weeks after he started daycare. he never really woke up mamab, just screamed bloody murder. he told me that when they went back through the doors after playtime he was getting squished from all the bodies. once he told me that the terrors went away

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  54. I had night terrors as an infant. I’d wake up in the middle of the night so mad and scared my mom didn’t know what to do with me. I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t need to be changed. She said one night I threw up twice I was crying so hard. 🙁

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  55. There was a long running story at King’s that a maid had committed suicide in the Angel’s Roost and that an exorcism had been held as a response to certain unexplained “Phenomena”. During the 2 years that I lived up there in 2 different rooms I had 2 really vivid nightmares, both of which had me imagining that there was someone else in the room. The second one had me bolting out of bed with the door unchained and unlocked and me halfway through it before I woke up and realized what was happening. Freakin’ weird.

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  57. FREAKY. I tend to have some really messed up dreams — the kind that stay with you all day, but lately, I haven’t had much in the way of dreams at all. At least not ones I can remember. Like OP, my days are just kind of blending together too, and I guess I’m spending too much time dreaming during the day to have anything left to dream about at night 😛 That and I’ve been sleeping a different kind of sleep lately — sleeping’s all I seem to do anymore (especially on weekends). I’ve been going to bed when I get home after work for a “nap” at like 6:30 and sleeping through until the next morning. Saturday I woke upa t 7:30 after falling asleep at 6:30 the previous night and then went back to sleep at 10:30am for about 5-ish hours. Then at 10 I was exhausted and could hardly wait for my company leave and once my head hit the pillow I was o-u-t. So, maybe that has something to do with it? Who knows.

    I want my crazy dreams back, damnit! lol

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  58. sometimes i try to shut my eyes in my dreams, ’cause it’s too horrifying. that works about half the time

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  59. The dreams I hate are the ones where I can’t move or move really slowly. And they’re usually the ones where I wake up and I’m still in the dream.

    And every once and a while I’ll have a dream about one of my exes and it’ll disturb the frack out of me. But tis life.

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  61. “imagining that there was someone else in the room” – Ivan, it was the sleep watcher, oh noses.

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  62. HAHAHA.

    On a semi-related note, my grandmother used to have out of body experiences at night when she slept. FREAKY.

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  64. LMFAO Hugo – back then having anyone in my room at night was defintely a Paranormal Event worthy of investigation by Mulder & Scully. >: (

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