It’s been six weeks and I thought it would get easier. We’re not right for each other. I think we both know that. So why do so many things remind me of you? Every song on the radio, every room in my house. It was up and down….so down and so up. I can’t see “forever after” with you but we tried so hard. I want you to know that I’m hurting, too. I do care for you and wish you the very best. Sigh. Maybe one day we can do that coffee, but not yet. —Somebody That You Used To Know
This article appears in Aug 9-15, 2012.
OP
Are you sure you tried hard enough? If your still pining for the other person,be honest with yourself and if she’s willing, and if there was no abuse between you both give it another go.
I feel sad for you, I’ve been there.Something worth having is worth fighting for. Besides opposites attract.
You can’t see “forever after” with the person, so you were “slumming”,you wanted to fuck someone beneath you .You wanted someone that swallowed not someone to take home to momma,believe me those women swallow too.
^^^^????
maybe they had fundamentally different ideologies. it was kind of a nice posting, lucid, no foulness, no blame slinging like so many. how on earth did you dredge up *that* as a plausible reason for their breakup. geeze.
I am the “she” in the relationship. He is beautiful, sweet, and kind. We didn’t mesh mentally (but physically, wow). Eventually I felt as though I was running two lives due to his complacency. As I already have children, I was looking for an equal, maybe even someone I could lean on occasionally. Opposites…yes. We were that. I needed to know that we were walking side by side, not one leading and the other following.
Perhaps I was afraid, as my friends accused me of being. But in looking down the road, I only saw a life that I planned, I brought to fruition and one for which I was responsible. That would lead to resentment (it had already started) and a loss of respect on my part. Better to part before harsh words were said and bad feelings were all that remained.
Still…I miss him in so many ways. It’s a first for me. I’m good at walking away and not looking back. Perhaps time will help me gain perspective?
not wasting each other’s time…
what a novel idea.
sucks when it happens but is better for everyone in the long run.
Next time, maybe try looking for a Man and not a boy in a man’s body.
fire guy, relationships are complex. it’s not just a matter of ‘wow, we both like ketchup on chips – we soul mates!’ hey! visualize a great big clockworks, with those big wheels with cogs on the edges, and each wheel has a myriad of differently shaped cogs, as people have characteristics. as two wheels meet each other their cogs may fit into the other perfectly for the first 45 degrees of rotation, but as each wheel turns, more cogs are presented, and those may not mesh as the first ones did. this is the discovery process. if the next 45 degrees of rotation increases in difference, the wheels cannot continue to mesh without great grinding of the gears. if the next 45 degrees of rotation however does present compatible cogs again, the bit of ‘differences’ may be slight enough to keep the wheels of that relationship on track. and the thing about these clockworks and gears and wheels, is that those sections of ‘difference’ will keep coming round and round, you just have to ride out the bumps, knowing the rest of the circle is a good fit.
I stand corrected.
I allow my fucked up past cloud my better judgement at times.
Great analogy, GDM. We were off kilter almost from the beginning but I just turned up the music and ignored the squeal of the grinding gears. Without the oil of compatibility on all levels, we started to grate on each other.
I was angry that he wasn’t what I needed him to be. That’s not fair to him. He’s someone else’s perfect fit and I know he’ll find it. Most likely he’ll find it before I find mine. That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Like a lot of post-divorce men, Fire, I think he was unsure of who he was now and who he wanted to be. Perhaps that made him boyish, you’re right. I need a capital M man to mesh with my capital W woman. See how well they fit together? haha.
There’s a lot of women out there that wouldn’t care about compatibility but in finding that insta-daddy for her children.
I wish you both all the luck in the world.
i agree wholeheartedly with boru above. and karm, if it takes you longer to find the one, it’s because you have a bigger bucket to fill. more scope to you, more depth. you know? it’s better in the long run.
Thanks very much, ladies. My incredible kids have a great dad who I can now call a good friend. As for my bucket…well I think the right fit is a taller me with a penis lol. Narcissism anyone?
Until I find someone who makes my mouth dry and gets my humour, makes me laugh until I need Depends and has an opinion on the universe, I have great friends and I believe the publishing houses are still pouring out books every day.
Life is good. And will be even better one day. One day.
Sigh. Coffee, But not yet?
Dick.
Get it together or she may be married when you finally do!
karm, it will happen, you offer more than most, so you are going to need more than most. and you understand that an ‘incorrect’ fit (not a bad fit, just incorrect – words are powerful for those who understand) is simply that. there are extraordinary men out there for extraordinary women. many extraordinary people i know didn’t find their match til the age of 40. or older. i have seen people scoff at internet sites for contact, but i think it’s one of the marvels of technology. it increases the pool. and used wisely, it’s ideal for those who want an intellectual/emotional match. my daughter, at 40, found hers. my son, at 35, found his, and even my first ex-husband, at 50, found a perfect match. all online. best wishes, and hagen daaz for the rough times!
You one smart dog Miss Molly.
hey TF, gotta be some payback for getting old, eh?
i wake up every morning wishing to be the person my Molly-dog believes me to be. she is a GOOD DOG.
I believe you’re a person I’d like to share a bottle of wine with, Miss Molly lol.
No_fool…you be one. Chew up your bitterness and digest it…shit it out and let the world amaze you.
You reap what you sow, so put your bullshit in your garden and watch the flowers flourish. If you look for shit…shit you will find. Try putting out some positivity. You might be astonished at what the world brings you.
It’s so hard to stay positive when you’ve been held down for too many years.After awhile you forget or you realize you never knew what a great relationship looks like.
Realizing you have fault’s and doing something to fix them take along time.
happiness doesn’t ‘appear’ or come to you like a parcel from the mail. you have to make it. you have to go looking for it, and not! not! not! in a relationship. a relationship is not the magic bullet. if you fixate on the magically appearing mr/ms wonderful to ‘make’ you suddenly happy, it won’t. (or may appear to do that, but it cannot maintain the illusion, because that isn’t happiness, that’s endorphins, which you can also get by running like a sunuvabitch) and happiness doesn’t come in a huge chunk either, if it does, suspect endorphins again. happiness is feeling a cool breeze when you are sweaty, happiness is seeing a dragonfly sparkle in the sun (and not remembering what your uncle gus said about them hahha) happiness is freshly washed sheets on your bed and you just out of the shower. happiness is seeing the rainbow in the puddle and not instantly thinking ‘oil spill’. happiness is watching a baby laugh deliriously at tree shadows. the trick is, you have to see these before you get the happiness feeling. see them. get outside of yourself, stop focussing on internal crapola, and just sit. watch. tell the chattering monkeys in your head you’ll deal with them later on, just take 5 minutes now to BE IN THE MOMENT. be aware. get in the habit of finding happiness. because it is a habit, and one that has to be nurtured, esp if you’ve been kicked around a bit. one goes ‘internal’ and stops noticing anything at all if all there was, was pain. it takes effort, and persistence. but man, it’s worth it. small small things you can find anywhere, anytime to give yourself that hit of happiness. and long term? you lose that frown, and that sag to the shoulders. you lose the beaten look that attracts only those who want to continue the beatings, because it’s like having a big V for victim on your forehead, and those people are emotional predators. when you are getting constant happiness hits to your self, your chin comes up, your shoulders go back, a smile plays across your eyes and mouth and you walk like a person of WORTH. this is not something that can take place over a day or two, but it can happen. whatever happened to put that V on your forehead is over. gone. you are alive, eh? and why LET that person/persons/events/ keep beating you long long after they are gone?
and i am not a pollyanna, you wouldn’t believe the vast number of people i want to kill if i could get away with it
emotionally.
nuff said.
GDM
Very well said.
I was walking in the driving rain one day last fall and realized I was enjoying my walk.Even though I was soaked to the bone and cold,I had a smile across my face.
holy shit… now that Oprah’s show is over with, she’s got time on her hands to post on theCoast…