Dear Old Age:
Why do you have to rob my grandmother of her mind? She is a God Fearing Woman, a good and hardworking woman. She has always said, “When it’s my time I’ll let the Good Lord take me”.
So, old age, why are you torturing her and her entire family with her dementia? She KNOWS she is losing her mind… that’s got to be worse than anything. We don’t want to lose her, but it seems we already have… —I miss her but she’s not even gone
This article appears in Sep 23-29, 2010.
My mum has dementia so I understand why you’re so angry – it is terrible to watch someone you love become a vitual shadow of themselves. However, the best course for your gran is to look into a good nursing care facilities – to try to keep her in her home will wear out the rest of the family – believe me, I know. In the worst stages of dementia, my mum was seeing all kinds of weird shit and paranoia was the name of the game. Since my mum has been in care, she’s actually improved on some levels. It was the hardest decision we ever had to make but it had to be made. My sister, who is a nurse, claims that the merciful thing about dementia is that the person suffering from it will feel sad one moment, happy the next so no mood lingers for very long. Mum is in the Shannex group of nursing homes and doing far better than we ever expected. All in exchange for her pension cheques which isn’t a bad deal when you think about it.
This happened to both my paternal Grandmother and my Father-in-law. And as TTFN said, the strain on taking care of him at home, ensuring that he didn’t wander away or “try to escape” (as he saw it) took a horrible toll on his wife and adult son. The difficult but correct decision to put him in a care facility was hard on his family. Visiting him and hearing him ask “When can I come home” was harder still.
There is no sense of closure, no platitudes, no logic, temporal or divine that can rationalize or mitigate the atrocity perpetrated on two of the most loving, hard working and decent people it has ever been my privilege to know. It still hurts.
Sorry abut your Gran OP, it’s hard I know. By the tone of you bitch, I do have to say. God didn’t do it & your Grandmother should not be in fear of God.
It’s an unfortunate effect of aging in some bloodlines, mine included.
Just give her your unconditional love and support, and yes, an extended care facility is probaly best.
What you can do to help is, stimulate her mind. Do puzzles, play games with her, chat with her (not talk to), go for walks, the more the brain is used the better.
Be strong (for her) & all the best to you and your family.
I empathize with you OP… most memories of my maternal grandfather (Grampie) are of a jolly, yet stern man who always brought about utmost excitement when he visited. Being raised in either Hali or CB and having him live on PEI meant that was not always so often. He was especially there for me (although being a punk university student I only recognized it years later) when I went to UPEI. He would show up religiously to my dorm every Sat morning (regardless of MY state) to take me out for breakfast.
Today, he can not even string two comprehensible words together. I only wish now that I could go back and be around for him just as he was for me. I agree with Hugo- I think keeping the mind busy and active is the best course of treatment. There will be rough days and it may seem like a chore at times… but grandparents are mainly responsible for the way we turn out, having raised our parents who in turn reflect those teachings on us. I would be there as much as possible could I go back… allowing Grampie to know that he was constantly surrounded and supported by loved ones. Old age is a bitch…… and unfortunately the mind is so delicate. I truly hope to continue to find joy in spending time with each other and that your grandmother finds the strength to get through everything and even challenge her condition and put up an honorable fight…..
btw Hugo- “god-fearing” does not mean that someone actually fears god, but rather holds ultimate respect for god. They are fully immersed in the idea that god is an almighty being and live their lives trying to heed god’s teachings as much as possible. This also means that when they do slip up and sin they know that they’ll be forgiven by god and have full awareness of the grace that god displays in doing so.
I work in a long term care facility, and we also have an Adult Day Program for those living with the dementia in the community. Individuals can drop their loved one off for the day, and they take part in stimulating activities that help them maintain as many skills as possible. They have sing-alongs, bake cookies and muffins and play games. For those who have the beginning stages of dementia and have fewer behavioural issues, this program can be a blessing. It gives families a break for the day, and they have the peace of mind that their loved one is being taken care of by qualified professionals (who love their job, I might add).
My Grampie had Alzheimers, and I literally used to babysit him as a teenager. He would tell me the same stories over and over, as if I’d never heard them before. He was a strong man, had been in the war, and had worked as a teacher and a Forrester. He loved to read, and loved watching Steve Murphy, although I have no idea if he remembered any of it after. He loved strawberry milkshakes, and the smell of them reminds me of him to this day. Although you’re going to see a lot of changes, keep in mind there are usually some things that never change, and having dementia doesn’t necessarily mean someone is unhappy. Also, remember touch can be so important and soothing – holding your grandmother’s hand for instance may help calm her and make her feel secure.
this post made me weep. it is a fact of life for a lot of families. there are some interesting articles in the globe this past week…take my body but not my mind. sad rawk
and after going thru this, you still believe there is a god? how sick some people are. if there was any such critter as a god, would he/she/it allow innocent people to suffer illness, no. would he/she/it allow the scum of the earth to get away with all the shit they are doing daily,no. would this god, allow all the bad and evil and rotten things going on daily to keep going on, no. so there is your answer o.p., better to believe in a flying purple speghetti monster with one horn and one eye. i sure as hell do.
I can sympathize with you, OP. My grandmother had Alzheimer’s. She took turns living with us and my aunt and uncle for a while. Eventually she got to the point where we had to put her in a long-term care facility. Unfortunately, the place where she was living was very far away from where we were so I didn’t get to see her all that often. It was painful to see her deteriorate like that. She died about 3.5 years ago now (they seem to think she had a stroke). I’m very sorry you have to go through this, OP and I hope your grandmother gets better.
Guys, let’s try not to turn this thread into a discussion about religion. I think it’s extremely disrespectful of the OP’s situation.
I agree brendon….. even though this has been submitted to the bitches…. much love is being sent out to you and your family OP….
I’m with Piangirl in the weeping. My thoughts and prayers are with you OP and everyone else having to live through this transformation of someone you love.
As I get older, this is one of my fears–that I will deteriorate to the point that I become a burden to my family. Although, the deterioration itself is of concern to me, what my family will have to go through concerns me more. They are under specific instructions to put me in a home when it comes to that point–no matter what I say once dementia has set in. Same goes for such things as paralysis caused by stroke–put me in care and no heroics if I take a bad turn.
I think it is the loss of dignity that causes the most fear. If my children can accept that it is what it is, who or what I was cannot be taken away from me. I think the most important thing is simply knowing that regardless of where I am (or who I am), I do have people looking out for me.
My paternal Grandmother lived for nearly 15 years after Alzheimers had taken her mind. She had 3 of her children and all her grandchildren living in the area and visiting her constantly. She had her good days and her bad ones. The saddest thing about it was that her early life was marked by such horrific abuse that her children could rationalize the loss of memory as a blessing of sorts. It was hardest, I think, for my Dad. He was the oldest and his military career kept him from seeing her as often as he wanted to. And like most children, he always thought he didn’t do enough. There is a bench named after her in Assiniboine Park, where she used to take her kids and later her grandchildren.
Sorry OP, and Bitchers for rambling. As was said earlier, lots of love going out on this one. We aren’t alone.
ramble on colonel, we all share the load. my pa went through guilty hell for a long time
is that right brendon. try telling that to my dead mother, who by the way, never hurt a fucking fly in her short 49 year life. if you want something to really believe in, then believe in this. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE,PERIOD. and there is no one or thing to stop it. we just move on, but sometimes the hurt keeps coming back, and people say stupid shit like it was god’s will. you want to be a fool to believe this, fine. but anyone that has seen a loved one, go slowly from a bright alert person, to a mass of skin,bones, and sickness, well then, there you go.it has been 42 years since that last day, and 41 of them have been spent wondering,WHY.
hey suckulous how is the wee bairn these days. it seems you have the angry mr. potato face on these days^^
My Dad’s Ma is a few years in to a Alzheimer’s diagnosis, thankfully she had 13 children and a boatload of grandkids so no one is responsible for her care on their own, but even with the army of caregivers and a great long-term car facility dealing with her illness is so very hard.
I have a hard time seeing her, but I still do because even though she doesn’t often remember exactly who we are she knows we’re family and it makes her feel safer having us around. The saddest part for me is not getting to know all I could about her before the disease took hold. She’s an amazing woman and the only solid link to out Bathurst family, and now with the the loss of her memory much of our history is slipping away with it…
Recently my Mom’s Ma has also started showing signs of slipping.
Losing people before they’re actually gone is the worst. So yes, OP, much love to you…
I agree with Life Sucks & I would like to point out…if GOD gets the credit for the Good in life.
GOD has to also get the blame for the bad in life.
THere is no way it can be a one way street !
IF god’s all powerful all everything… then god is good & bad -period- there is no shade of gray.
Which is why we pastafarians know that ,god (aka The Flying Spagetti Monster) created the Multiverse, but God does not watch over us & give undivided attention to the human race… that’s just a bunch of bullshit fostered on the simple minded by religious groups…not all religious groups , but as I’ve said many times Religion has NOTHING to do with God.
All most religions are concerned with are, exerting control over others (aka power) the accumulation of wealth (aka greed) which are usually put forward to people as some type of epiphany, where god has manifested itself to the ‘prophet’ of “insert religion of your choice here”
Religions have always been a 100% creation by humans.
God has never actually shown himself!
No, the all powerful ,all knowing, Creator of everything (which means god’s responsible for evil as well as good) has only spoken to us through the voice boxes of the truely demente….I mean faithful…yeah, faithful.
So OP having to deal with dying family members.
Family who have lost their memories…or as in my case right now, a member who still has a great memory of past events, but can’t remember what they did yeserday or last week…I can feel for you.
Watching a family member slowly lose their fraculties is hard.
But since God’s not resonsible for either good or bad. its genetic’s that’s at fault.
How can you really put any blame there ???
Good luck
a lot of us bitchers share those views on religion mr. more, but let’s leave it out of this discussion pretty please^^
Hey More/LS….. seriously can’t you just respect the OP and leave the comments to this bitch in context. It is good that you can at least agree with yourself on your own comments….. if you have an issue with god, perhaps it’s time you submit a bitch about the ol’ ghost in the sky.
I must to say, it is so refreshing to hear the elders being spoken of with so much love, respect and appreciation–especially from the grandchildren. Don’t apologize for paying homage to people who mattered to you. As an amateur genealogist, I am delighted to read your testimonials.
Kim… it is truly my honor to be able to speak about my grandfather period. I think each and every person mentioned/referred to on this thread was/is a true inspiration and a great person in their own ways.
What Jonno said. Rawking through the tears. >: )
Paingirl…the OP brought up the god issue. with “God fearing” & “the good lord takes me” part of their comment.
So that’s why I touched on it.
When thinking about my own experiences of loved ones dying slowly of old age infirmities, cancer etc. I am glad I have had the time to spend with them ,helping to make them as comfortable as possible & just being there. I remember holding my grandmothers hand in the Hospital as she was dying of cancer, (on my mothers side) & her saying to me, “I’m not going to get out of here am I More… this is where I’m going to die !” I told her that at least she had us with her & she wasn’t dying alone, like what happens to so many people… It seemed to comfort her when we were there, & even when she lost her sight, just before the end she always knew it was me, When I visited, as soon as she held my hand…she knew it was me.
We kept a 24 hour vigil up in the last days of her life so she would always be with one or more of us.
You know its way past time to visit manicurist when someone knows who you are by how tough & battered your hands are !
i know the op did mr. more i just tried to look beyond that. you know you and ivan are my go to guys when it comes to flying manicotti monsters…and ranting re: the pope. the subject matter is too close to home for me so i thought i’d give it a pass this time around^^
My maternal Grandmother died of a stroke 6 months after attending my wedding. She was a Baptist and she took my merciless teasing about New Brunswick Baptists being one very short, lateral step from the Snakehandlers of Appalachia with her characteristic good humour. She took my sophomoric baloney and paid me back with fresh baked bread and the most succulent wild strawberry jam this side of the Elysian Fields. I delivered the eulogy at her funeral and standing in the pulpit I realized that it did not matter what I thought about religion. It didn’t matter what was on the roof of the building. It was filled with people who shared my love for this amazing, beautiful lady and whose lives had been touched by her in more ways than I could imagine. It was one of the saddest days of my life and also, one of the proudest.
Every comment to the original post has been from somebody whose life has been touched by pain and loss. How we deal with it is far less important than recognizing it and responding with empathy. My thoughts. Have a great Friday folks
Cheers, Colonel. *raises glass*
this one of the saddest threads ever but cathartic as well…memories rawk
not a way to spend friday… all sad…
we’ve all got a story on this I’m sure.
I remember my grandfather in law sitting, after I had just graduated before I found work, sit down every day for a month straight in the living room and tell me the same story about his working in an old factory in Ontario and this vat of acid spilling all over him….
an old, hard boxer type, he was.
It was when we found him crashing the camry into stuff and keep right on driving….
being nice and doing the dishes for us, only to have us realize weeks later he wasn’t using soap, just rinsing in warm water and putting away….
degrading to the point where we were faint memories….
sad.
that datiffi sure has a nice pair of bazoombas *cough* just trying to bring some levity…sorry
Sorry to hear about your grandmother, oh and the assholes who so graciously made this a religious debate, classy.
classy is not a bitchy trait, but we police our own when we have to gf
assy is a little closer to the mark…
though some choose sassy, brassy or over the top harassy
My grandma is a NB Baptist as well, colonel, I love her dearly and it saddens me when every time I see her she’s weaker and weaker… you know that being nearly 90 is a fortunate thing, to have seen her family grow up, grow old and enjoy her grandchildren and great grandchildren, but to me she’ll always be the fiery matriarch who waited for her husband through the war and had all us grandkids over for sleepovers, baking fresh biscuits and feeding us full of sugar after church on Sundays before sending us home. And I think in many ways she’s ready, having dealt with my grandpa’s dementia until it took him 4 years ago, such a brave and powerful lady…
I was being sarcastic…
you were? oh sorry i don’t do sarcasm very well. ask anyone
I believe you
My grandmother died when she was 49 too, LS. 🙁
I can sympathize, OP, and this is probably the most valid bitch I’ve ever read. My other grandmother currently has Alzheimer’s. She’s still coherent enough to be cognizant of the fact that she forgets things and tries to work around it. For instance, most of the time she forgets my name and forgets how many kids my dad has or what my mom’s name is so she’ll ask him “so how are the wife and kids?” And she forgets that my dad calls her multiple times a week and will complain to my aunt (whom she lives with) about my dad never calling. It’s so heartbreaking to see her go through that.
And she’s now getting to the point where she wakes up in the middle of the night, gets herself dressed and ready to go out and tells my aunt that they have to go back to NS (they’re in ontario) to bury my uncle who died a few years back. And when my uncle died she had to be told a few times, which was excruciating for all involved.
My aunt feels guilty, but it’s getting to a point where she just can’t look after her on her own so they’ve put her on the list for care. I think that’s the best thing because my aunt is exhausted and I’ve worked at a long term care facility and I’ve seen how much people can improve, and the social aspect will do wonders for my grandmother. Currently she goes to a day group once a week with other people with Alzheimer’s and absolutely loves it.
We are dreading the day though, where my grandmother doesn’t recognize any of us, and i feel especially awful about it for my dad and aunts and uncles. I can’t imagine my own mom not recognizing me, and my greatest fear is that she’ll get Alzheimer’s (her grandmother died from Alzheimer’s as well).
Sadly, my grandmother told me about a 36 year old man who goes to her group who has early onset Alzheimer’s, which is just awful. 36 years old!
Hi All…your comments have given me so much comfort, truly. In the post, Nan is the religious one. There is no mention of the OP’s religious convictions. The OP blames old age.
We used to call my mother Attila the Bun because of the strawberry blonde birds nest (Lady Clariol, I do believe) that graced her head like a hairy Dairy Queen cone. To see her now detoothed, defanged and without that trade mark bun makes me sadder than anything. She’s now just a little bowl of jello with silver hair who can’t see, can’t hear along with the dementia. But every once in a while she’ll perk up and when you yell in her ear: How ya doing, ma? she replies, just sitting around, picking my bird or some other gem. I’m not trying to make light but sometimes people with dementia have the odd lucid moment. Mercifully, it doesn’t last long enough for them to be upset about their condition. While this has been a sad thread I hope it’s given the OP some comfort to know he/she isn’t alone.
“hairy dairy queen cone” thanks ttfn you are very funny and wise^^
The lucid moments are amazing. It’s worth all the heart ache of the “bad” visits where she is out of her mind just in case she has a lucid moment that I can add to my memories. My dad and his sisters are exhausted from taking care of her around the clock. I am sending links and phone numbers trying to hook them up with homecare nursing, but there are wait lists. I wish I could take a leave from work to help them take care of her.
You are all amazing, with your own amazing and sad stories. It seems demensia has touched us all in some way. It goes to show the strength of the human spirit, to take care of our own who once took care of us. Sending my love to everyone whose memories came flooding back when they read that post. I didn’t realize it would evoke so much emotion.
some of us operate on our emotions *me* and it’s good to share. most of us are right some nice when we want to be
Ya know, painy, life really does begin at forty. I’m 16 years past that and, despite the curveballs life has thrown at me, have managed to laugh through much of it ’cause it sure as hell beats crying. If you’re in your 20s or 30s, you’ve got one hell of a lot to look forward to. Don’t let anyone tell you any different, especially the vain and vacous people who would rather suck a botox needle than admit they are getting older. You can’t fight the tide so you might as well go with the current with a smile on your face. The insight you get from experience is truly sweet. I love my old broad status.
guys, i get more than pissed off, when i think back, and now, i’m going thru this again, with a guy i’ve know for over 40 years. he is lucid one minute, but a nillion miles away the next. his long term is steel spring sharp, but the short term is pretty fucked. i really feel for the o.p., but as i said, religion of any sort is just hokum.
My grandmother has had dementia for many years. When my father passed away, the family decided not to tell her. She wasn’t even aware of when he was here visiting once a year. She would suffer the grief of losing her youngest over and over again. She rarely asks where he is, and when she does, we just tell her that he’s still in Ontario. She’ll ask me who I am and I just tell her I’m her granddaughter. She always says “Oh ok” with a smile.
At times she is so happy, reliving her younger days, talking about a suitor she has up the road that is going to take her on a buggy ride, and oh, how he is so handsome.
It is sad to see her at times, but I am always confident that we made the right choice in not telling her about my fathers death.
She also makes me laugh because she is still the silly Nanny that I remember so well too at times.
My grandmother also has dementia, as she is now in her mid-90s. She has good days, and bad days. On the bad days, she is very confused. It’s sad to see her like this. Dementia sucks ass.