I just literally went through 95 resumes. I converted them to different formats because the applicants apparently can’t read when our website CLEARLY states “Please send your resume and coverletter in RICH TEXT FORMAT”.
I heard from people who are “extemly detailed-oriented”, a guy who apparently can’t decide whether he’s a tech or a chef, because he “marinated computer equipment”, a woman who has zero experience in our industry, but wants a job with our company because she wants a discount on our products, and one applicant who said, in the first line of their coverletter “I am applying for jobs that pay better, but will take a job with you until I get an interview somewhere else.
As much as I would LOVE to call every one of these people, and not only say Hey, you know, youre not what were looking for right now, but Hey you might have an easier time getting a job if you follow instructions for applying, grammar and spellcheck your resume, and maybe gear your application to the job you want, I cant. I just spent 4 hours trying to get the damned things to print HELL, I havent even started READING them yet! These are just the glaring things that stood out on a skim as I took them off my printer!
So next time you bitches bitch about not getting called back for jobs, and what assholes we employers are, take a freaking look at your Goddamned resume and see if maybe its something YOU did, you freaking whiny JACKASSES!
—Calgon, take me away!
This article appears in Feb 5-11, 2009.
The twats who do the hiring have a complex and they also have trouble with their own grammar it seems.
I wonder how they got the job? Because, once you get a job in Halifax, it’s okay to be a jackass to the others who are struggling to find full time work, even when they work for the same company 😉
“marinated computer equipment”… ?!??!….
“will take a job with you until I get an interview somewhere else”… nice.
sounds like your shredder is going to need sharpening after this round. You know there are poor, underfunded kindergarteners dying to paper-mache balloons… consider yourself an education advocate and take a quick trip. These people sound like they have as much chance of getting the job as Penny Boudreau does at a sperm bank.
Where should I email my resume? Mine doesn’t have any spelling mistakes or anything… I swear it.
How is wanting people not to waste your time “being a jackass”?
I feel your pain – we’re trying to hire over here to, but some of the winners we get applying should really go back to school.
And FYI, not everyone who wades through resumes are assholes – I wade through them for MY boss so she doesn’t have to “waste her time” on people who don’t fit the profile of what we’re looking for.
And I, for one, actually DO occasionally call people and let them know there are spelling errors to save them some embarassment and/or help them in their job search.
But then again, after I finish my term here, I will have my own business, and I probably won’t have time to do that anymore…
I know everyone who wades through resumes aren’t assholes. My point is that maybe, these people applying have trouble writing a resume and cover letter. Sure, it can be annoying, but when you don’t get phone calls, you assume you weren’t successful but continue on your job search anyway. That’s why many complain – no one is getting called, so they keep applying, and keep not getting called, then get frustrated, and then bitch on here.
I was talking to a woman a while ago when I worked with youth as a volunteer. She was a hiring manager for a company in Halifax. I asked her what she looked for. She said a good resume, with a university degree and such like. When I asked her why a degree was so important, she said that it shows integrity. I asked if a person without a degree has integrity, she stumbled and stuttered ‘yes’. She said then said that it was company policy to not hire anyone without a degree and that’s how she got rid of so many resumes so fast. Yet, that information is not in the ‘required skills’ section of any of that company’s job.
Anyway, at least places like banks send you an automated email to tell you that you weren’t successful. A little decency goes a long way. Hence why I now have a good job paying $20+ an hour. Places I applied to were decent, and even answered my questions when I asked why I wasn’t successful.
You know, OP, not all of us who are having or have had a hard time finding a job are having a hard time because their/our resumes suck. My resume and cover letters are both perfect: no grammar or spelling mistakes. One of my degrees is in writing/editing and my editing process is relentless. The problem *is* there are like two whole jobs in all of HRM in my field and about a bazillion of us out there looking and they just keep graduating more every fucking year. Sure I did co op, but who’s going to hire a new grad with minimal experience for even an entry level position (based on duties — most jobs around here in my field requiring 2-4 years experience would be classified as basic entry level elsewhere) when they can get someone who’s got 3-5 years experience and still pay them the same shitty salary? And what employers want out of employees in my field around here is ridiculous given a) the pay and b) the job itself. I had an interview a couple weeks ago for an entry level job in my field and the job duties were pathetic. They wanted my soul and my first born child and me to basically run their office for a lousy 30 grand with no solid advancement opportunities. No thanks.
So, before you paint us all with the same brush, realize that yes, you likely WILL have awesome applications in with the shitty ones and yes you likely WILL have to turn them down. So then it becomes a case of “so and so didn’t get the job because I had a lot of other great applicants” rather than “so and so didn’t get the job because their resume sucked”…and I think there are A LOT more in the former category unemployed and bumming around these parts.
I always try to avoid the hiring process (from an employer standpoint) like the plague. It is depressing to see all these applications from people who can’t even change the name of the company on their form cover letter.
Here are some tips:
Research: When I call you and ask you what you know about my company, don’t tell me what I sell – I know that. Impress me by researching my industry, finding a challenge faced and tell me how you can address it. Hell, put that in your cover letter. If it’s logical and though out then you’ll get an interview from me.
Read: Read the instructions for applying. If I ask for specific information, give it to me.
Use Common Sense: Chances are there is another 200-300 people besides you applying. If you don’t use a form cover letter (they stick out really bad), chances are that much better that you will make the first cut.
I don’t wnat to sound Holier than Thou, but seriously, some of the resumes I have seen are the pits. There are free services to help with your resume. Use them.
So because some useless twats don’t take the time to spell check their resumes, you refuse to contact everyone? And note I say contact, not call – would it be so hard to send out a mass e-mail to those people who apply for jobs they are qualified for, spend the time preparing a CL/resume properly, and submit it appropriately?
I’m the one who wrote the bitch yesterday about this, and I’d hardly consider myself whiny. I’d just like some closure on a few of the jobs I’ve applied for.
Ever stop and think that your Resumes are too complicated? When I was doing retail management I always found it pointless for people to have cover letters and a 5 page resume listing all of their education, accomplishments as far back as Primary school (gold star in spelling two weeks in a row, silver star for being a “special” student), volunteer work, and then after all of that, finally the work history. I was bored after the cover letter detailing what you did for the accounting company and how you relate that one month of work experience to the merchandising job I’m supposed to hire you for. Then when I bring you in for the merchandising job interview, you rehash the cover letter. Waste of time for me, and more importantly you. Wanna make your resume attractive? Less bullshit, more meat. What were your roles and responsibilities for your last two jobs? Are they, and how are they relevant? When I looked at resumes (online and offline) I wanted efficiency, nothing else. I don’t need to know that you’re a staunch vegetarian and that makes you more energetic than someone who isn’t.
You’re assuming mrman that employers offering jobs care. They don’t. They’ll never admit it, but most just want the person with the best qualifications who are not completely dumb, but not too smart (and won’t ask questions) who they can get for the lowest pay.
I have a few friends who used to go into interviews being their true intelligent selves. No offers. One decided on a whim to dumb themselves down for one job application and later the interview. They got an offer. Employers don’t want people who are too smart because they often feel like that could be a threat to their position in the organization. And being the type who asks questions is just WRONG as far as employers are concerned. They loathe that shit.
It’s not rocket science to figure out. Employers have the leg up in this whole business of getting a job and can pretty much do whatever the fuck they want.
Dr Fever’s right. A cover letter should be no more than a page in 12 font (three-four paragraphs MAX) and a resume should be 2 pages MAX. And once you graduate from post secondary education, you don’t have to put down your education history before your post secondary program (i.e. no one cares what high school you went to once you get a BA, for instance) and unless it’s very relevant to the position you’re applying for you can cut out your work history from your HS days (some people will even start cutting out their earlier work experience once they’ve acquired quite a lot of experience and will only go back 5-10 years).
I have two resumes, a chronological work history resume and a functional resume highlighting three or four skills relevant to the job as headers and info on how I have developed this skill. I’ve had good feedback on my resume from employers, I just didn’t possess as much experience as some of the other hundreds of applicants.
mrman: Would you like to sit in MY chair and do the other 300 daily duties I have on top of sifting through resumes, and try to find correct contact information and draft up a “we’re so sorry” email that has to go through 4 levels of corporate before it’s “allowed” to be sent out?
When I *do* email someone with advice, and I end up with a freaking pen pal asking for more information 4x a day.
And why, exactly, is the onus on the employer to contact YOU? Why can’t YOU show some initiative and contact the employer to see where they’re at? I’ve actually dug someone’s resume out of the slush pile, and interviewed them because they took the initiative to show some INTEREST in the position instead of just throwing resumes everywhere to see who’d bite.
The biggest problem most people I have interviewed throughout my career is that they don’t even act like they give a crap about the company or the job they’re applying for. I understand that desperate times call for desperate measures, but if I ask you if you have any questions, ask why *I* like to work here, or what is the first project you’d get to work on, or something RELEVANT to your potential contribution or interest in the job.
Oh yeah, and THANK people for considering your resume or coverletter – maybe even IN your coverletter. It’s not your right to get interviewed.
Since there are so many employers writing on this post, I have only one question about references. I normally state on my resume that I make my references available at an interview. Is this a good or a bad thing?
I just don’t like the idea of handing out my reference’s phone numbers unless I’m at an interview.
Yeah, if I was getting paid for it, I’d love to sit in your chair. And I appreciate your thoughts. You’ve given more feedback than I’ve received in almost two months.
Viego– Always keep your references as your ace in the hole so to speak. Think of this way: would you provide confidential information to a complete stranger? Obviously not… Besides, most employers will only confirm employment nowadays, not provide actual work-related references. If it’s really necessary, provide them when requested.
Thanks Dr. Fever, much appreciated. :o)
What about the employers who request references with your initial application? I’m always wary about those…
If they are asking about references upfront, think of it in the same light. Do you want to work for an employer that requests personal information upfront like that? Then it really comes down to are you comfortable about putting your references in that position? Is them even asking for references valid (don’t be afraid to say that references aren’t required for the job, if they don’t like you in the interview, they wont hire you regardless of your references)? Don’t be afraid to call them on it, sometimes employers will see that as a good thing (I know I did, it showed that you knew how to stand your ground).
It’s sad there’s a spike in ‘jobless’ bitches as of late….
used to be people just hated their job but these days we treasure every agonizing moment.
Honestly – I couldn’t make this stuff up…
My most recent foray into the world of resumes.
I couldn’t make this up. This guy’s first line of his resume:
“Objective: To find a job as in Business to Business firm, Business development, Accounting, Advertising, Banking, Finance, Advisor, Marketing, Manager, Executive Management, Supervisor, Staff, Retail/Wholesale, Distribution, Warehousing, Security, Leadership, Telemarketing, Customer Service, Call Support representative, Retail, Manufacturing, Social Work, Team Management, Campaign coordination, Teaching and development, Sales, Store employee, Information Technology and other areas.”
Tailor your resume, people, PLEASE!
im just sitting here pondering the ol supply vs demand conundrum. with an everincreasing mass of unemployed nova scotians (and everywhere elseians) coupled with dramatically reduced employment options, employers can nitpick and worry about missplaced commas. pretty easy to pick off the cream of a gigantic crop.
picking over resumes from 300+ applicants can be tedious im sure. however, can you imagine how stressful it is to currently be job seeking in this economic climate. do u know how hard it is to make choices between heat, food, clothes, bills and gasoline? that my friends in the hiring departments, is real stress.
so as you sit in your little office/cubicle remember that yes..there are some duds in that pile of 300 resumes. there are also many desperate people trying to hold on to an apartment/house, keep up on vehicle and bill payments, or just feed themselves or thier families.
JOHN;
Employment options are not as dramatically reduced as people think – it’s the “GOOD” jobs we don’t have enough of. Nobody ever said you couldn’t look for a better job while you’re cleaning toilets. But don’t be too proud to clean a toilet, or you might end up with nothing.
I’m not talking about “nitpicking misplaced commas” here. I’m talking about the people who can’t even be bothered to change the name of the company they name in their coverletter. How interested are they in a job, REALLY? If you’re not willing to take three minutes to tailor your coverletter, or use spellcheck, or tailor your resume, even, how much effort are you going to put into your job? I’m not necessarily talking about jobs cleaning toilets. I’m talking about jobs where attention to detail is paramount.
And yes, John, as a matter of fact, I *do* know what it’s like to look for a job in this (and previously worse) economic climate(s). I’ve been on contracts for longer than most of you have probably been in the workforce. I know it’s tough out there – I won’t have a job in a month when my contract is up, which is why I have taken the year to get a business off the ground and make it profitable. I’m reinforcing “preparation” here, in case you’re missing the theme…
Personally I’ve always managed to find *something* – my ratio of resumes handed out to interviews granted in the last 20 years is approximately 2:1. My ratio of interviews to jobs landed is 1:1, so I think I can say with *some* certainty that I know a little bit about what I’m talking about as far as this stuff is concerned.
But hey, far be it for me to try to HELP people in the “bitch” section of a paper who clearly would rather sit and whine about stuff instead of actually taking any advice that might help them have a little less to bitch about…
ill address the toilet scrubbing comment first Gidget. someone who made 50,000 plus per year and is now unemployed has bills commensurate to that wage. so regardless of his/her pride level…cleaning crappers doesnt pay those bills. so i believe my stating that job oppourtunities are “drastically reduced” is apt. unless you want to work at a job that brings in far less than what you are paying out.
as far as worse economic times youve previously encountered…many have not. once this recession is over i think most of us will be accustomed to harder times. “worst economic downturn since the great depression”, “canada records first trade deficit in 32 years”, 80 billion added to canadas debt in next two years….it goes on.
so since this place has turned into an ann landers column full of helpful hints ill add this. all the advice in the world does not change the fact that with a glut of job seekers its an employers market.
and ps…i do agree that neglecting to change something as glaring as the company name smacks of laziness…or frazzled nerves caused by a hectic job search. which will ultimatley be decided by HR.
I spend much of my time filling positions in my company and am happy to give my two cents. Not including your References, but mentioning they are available, is completely acceptable. I only call them if someone makes a successful interview, anyways and I agree that you should be hesitant to just give out their name and contact number when you don’t know who is going to be calling. I always ask my potential employee to let their references know I will be calling them shortly.
On another note, make sure you only give reliable references. Only lady I WANT to offer a position to, is being held up because I need to speak to two references but one of them has still not called me back after nine days and two messages left! Unbelievable!! I have to call and get another name from her now but she could have started last week, already. GEEZSH!
If you can’t get a job out of 95 resumes, it means you SUCK.
I sent out 10 resumes, had 3 interviews, 2 offers, and am now employed in my field of research right here in Halifax.
Anyone who says there are no jobs isn’t trying. Recession my ass.