Dear Mommy:
I really wish you wouldn’t eat your face off while I am growing inside your zepplin-sized tummy. That Triple Whopper crap nauseates me, has made me grow three spines and makes my heart beat like Ozzy Osborne having a seizure. I don’t even know what agony you suffer trying not to consume deep fried shit no smaller than a house cat and a dozen bags of all-dressed ruffles but I know you’ll be angrier than a bear with his ass in a sling if you try to stop. My first experiences of life in the world will be you in front of the microwave, yelling ‘HURRY!!!!!
Better me than you, I guess. Or you could spare me a Timbit or two. Oh, wait. That would be child abuse.
Love, your innocent unborn son or daughter —Now Fuck Off, Smoke Nazis
This article appears in Jul 1-7, 2010.
A moronic attempt at a comeback to the smoking bitch.
Ya OP, two shitty bitches don’t make a good bitch. Now fuck off.
Diary of an Unborn Morbidly Obese Fetus:
July 7 – today Mommy treated to me a pair of Bacon Double cheeseburgers. Mmmmmm. Bacon Lllaaaargggh!. Thanks Mommy for killing me with kindness.
Great parody, Hater of Smoke Nazis >: )
Actually, I thought it was pretty clever. But what do I know? My parents’ cigarettes BBQed my poor neocortex (TTFN proceeds to run around in ever decreasing circles until she smacks into herself).
I sorta thought this might be your handiwork TT. Either that or somebody is learning to copy your metaphorical flourishes. Either way it gave me giggle.
don’t forget the baby’s high blood pressure and sodium dependency…
YAAAAAAAAY MOM!
If I ever meet this baby I am so kicking it into a dumpster or a pack of dingos.
Seems like it hit a nerve at any rate.
something tells me NGF that you would know it if you met this baby…
hard to miss a three spined infant with a bum ticker.
The preggo-smoking bitch must have hit a bigger nerve to inspire a parody! The sincerest form of flattery, after all, is imitation.
Now I want a Timbit, way to go OP.
Mmm…. Timbits. That Uber Canadian invention, even more important to our identity than telephones or the zipper or insulin or ski-doos or paint roller… ranks right up there with poutine…
oh my, the sameidiot that penned the smoking preggers bitch is back.if she hasan’t said it to you already, i will. mind your own fucking business, and grow the fuck up. you are such an inane little asshole.
lifey sweetie, different bitcher
doesn’t look like it painy, same idiotic wording.
Boy, nobody understands parody these days.
How about, just don’t have kids? There, a lot of problems solved ;D.
Some of us get it TTFN:) The rest suffer from flying-right-the-fuck-over-one’s-head syndrome.
some of us do get parodies….
unfortunately, LS is more interested in a pair-o-d’s
Why it is that when someone bitches about secondhand smoking you can always count on some idiot coming forward and proclaiming that, well, car exhaust or junk food is just as bad?
Can’t someone criticize one thing without you all taking it as a validation of all other misbehaving in this world? If I complain about someone kicking me in the shin, does that mean that I’d be ok with someone punching me in the face? The bitch didn’t say “don’t smoke but if you wanna supersize your big mac meal for the 4th time this week, go right ahead!”
The 2 wrongs trying to make a right arguement always strikes me as ridiculous too, jennier. I am always amazed how quick people are to show their lack of insight by jumping on that bandwagon.
zZz: hahahahahahahaha…you nailed our beloved Lifey!
I still think TTFN is our anonymous auteur and satirist. If not, the next likely suspects would probably be Bro Tim or The Black Rose since they had the most fun ripping on the treacly self-righteousness of the original. >; )
…of course, we haven’t heard from the mack daddy of our West Coast Gangsta Crew so Martym might be a suspect as well. And he’s in Toronto, celebrating his Dad’s birthday and surveying the remains of Kristallnacht so…
It definitely has the beautiful ring of TTFN’s acerbic wit dinging between the lines…
I could have wrote:
Mommy, You’re A Booger Eater
Dear Mommy:
I really wish you wouldn’t eat your crusty ol’ boogers while I am growing inside your tummy. Your nasal gold nauseates me, has made me throw up on your left kidney more than once. I don’t even know what agony you suffer trying to restraint yourself but if you could tie your right hand to your leg, I could get back to doing fun things like using your bladder for a punching bag. My first experiences of life in the world will be of you and your twitchy finger burrowing through your nostril crusties while your tongue drops down to the floor like a yoga mat and your foot thumps merrily.
Better me than you, I guess. I could build a statue of the Great Gonzo out of your nose clay if I could keep myself from hurling. Either way, this is child abuse, you dumb cow.
Love, your innocent unborn son or daughter
Now, could you swallow a crayon so I can write on the walls in here?
Wait till the big pharmacology companies get ahold of this one. I sense a new syndrome to explain the aberrant behavior of succeeding generations of children and a whole new line of precription meds to deal with Pre-Partum Mucus Aspiration Disorder or in french- le Syndrome de Naisance Ons Terrible.
Bahawhawhawhaw – beautiful, Ivan.
I have a great bunch of Muses in this community, and you, my dear have been knocking them right out of the park today >: )
Thanks, Ivan. Your posts are so fucking clever and funny – you’re the first post responder I look for over my morning cup of java – what knocks me out is that your brand of humour is so akin to my older brother, you both share an awesome rhythm and timing – a tip of the tit to you, my friend. You’ve inspired me on many occasions.
is she a fat chick who got pregnant and ballooned to the size of a Zeppelin?
I wish I could have written a parody, but i have such a nasty headache, I can barely string words together.
Mine would have started: Mommy, Why Do I Have to Be Born to Such a Craptacular Moron? 101 Reason Why I Wanted To Be the Load You Swallowed. But that’s a bit wordy (and I am referencing the OB, not the parody).
Silly sebastard! Everyone knows fat chicks can’t get pregnant — no one will fuck them!
DUH!
*eyeroll*
🙁
my ex will