…narrate what you believe your dog is thinking as a joke in a high pitched baby voice, while referring to yourself, the owner, as “Mommy”. You’re annoying the shit out of everyone within earshot, including the dog.
…buy people gifts that are actually for your dog. For the past three years you have given everyone gifts that are just dog accessories that follow a theme of something the recipient is actually interested in. Habs fan? Dog Habs jersey and matching booties. Video game enthusiast? Dog Yoshi costume. Musician? Dog collar with musical note tag and musical instrument chew toy that sounds like a rodent being raped by a duck when squeezed.
…chew food for your dog, because the food is too tough for it to chew otherwise. You can’t put it in a blender? Or just not feed it hard foods? Or just give it wet dog food and not people food? Once I saw you chew up a carrot and let the dog eat the mush out of your mouth when you thought no one was around.
…do yoga, with your dog. As if yoga wasn’t enough lame-ass bullshit for you, Doga? Seriously? You bought a Doga DVD? As much as I hate that yappy little dog it looks like it’s in pain when you semi dangle it from its hind legs and force it into downward dog-dog position, besides that, I’m pretty sure it thinks you’re trying to have sex with it during some of the weirder poses.
…continue to buy the same breed and name your dogs the same name and then get angry when I don’t notice you have a different dog when the previous one dies.
…shower with your dog and then blow dry your hair and the dog at the same time. It’s creepy, and excessive, and it clogs the drain. I can’t think of anything grosser to pull out of the drain than wet dog hair and your mother’s pubes.
…yell at the dog to shut up fruitlessly louder than the actual yapping of the dog. You are not helping the situation.
…buy lip-balm based solely on what flavors the dog likes to lick off of your lips more during “kisses”. Gross! After using each tester in the store you get the dog to lick it off your lips while conversing with the dog about which flavor it likes better and thus which you should buy.
…let the dog shit and piss indoors in the winter so that it doesn’t get cold. Why not just litter train it when you seem to have trained it to use the entire bathroom floor as a litter box already?
…buy loads of creepy useless stuff for your dog. I thought the battery powered dog back massager was a little weird, until you ordered the sex toy. A fuck doll for the dog? Do you have any idea how unnecessary and creepy a dog blow up doll is? If you must have it, can’t you keep it in the closet and not the living room? Or at least put it away when my kids come over? My toddler thinks it’s a rocking horse and I’d rather not her play with something your dog repeatedly ejaculates on on.
Mom, I love you and everything, but you have always been the most annoying dog owner in the world. —Ruf
This article appears in Jun 3-9, 2010.
ummm… is this real? it sounds too good to be real.
this makes me feel alot better about my upbringing.
I feel for you pal. You better start planning for the future. Your freaky mom is going to leave everything she has to her dogs.
That is some nasty house.
i love my pets but that is creepy
omfg this is a joke right if not your mother is a whack job and should bein a special place
I call bullshit on this one.
yeah, my mom’s a dog lover and she’s only guilty of a couple of these on the list….
and even that’s taking it far (though they’re the lesser ‘creepy’ ones…)
mommy needs some therapy.
You sound jealous of your moms dog. Be grateful she let you grow up and let you chew your own food. lol funny
What a fucking weirdo family if this is true. How about this OP, if life really is THAT FUCKING CRAZY and whacked living under the same roof as your Mum….GET THE FUCK OUT!! Let her descend into her little bit of insanity alone..then when she bites the big one, she can make the ultimate sacrifice to her mutts, she can be a source of food for the little bastards as she lies on the floor rotting.
Priceless! Especially the dog sex doll part.
Maybe she needs to find a pug’s head in her bed.
don’t worry ruf, when she croaks or gets locked away, you can get rid of the little mother fucking mutt. don’t get me wrong here, i love animals, just not the people who have some of them. and yes, the shit does rub off on the animal.if she is acting nutty, the animal will start to show some of it too. it is learned behaviour. and as to the shit and piss deal, well why don’t you just squat and let it go too. and if she freaks out, point out that the mutt can do, so can you. or get with me, if female, and i’ll go crap on her floor. either way, you win.
This must just be a creative writing project… too nasty and disturbing to be true.
It could be but there’s nothing really creative about it.
Raise one pug head to two and add the clickity-click feet of three Jack Russells under the sheets. Your mom is a psychotic dog ho – if you don’t stop her now, she’ll be blowing the little bastard up like a mylar balloon.
Umm… I don’t know where to begin… Has your mother every been to a psychiatrist? This is the most disturbing thing I’ve read in some time… You do realize your mom is probably either fucking this dog, or having the dog lick PB off her right??? I would sever all contact with this nut job and never speak of this again…
ahhh… it took a whopping 15 comments in just over 3 hours before we got to the ‘licking pb’ area…. I figured it’d come along eventually.
seriously though… always knock before entering a room.
Only in Nova Scotia…well maybe not.
i really hope nl is right, it’s just tooo fecked up…but then truth is stranger than fiction. like the fake lake they want to build near the gardiner expresssway, for cuntflap head and his cronies
OP, your mom is FUCKED UP. Seriously, get the woman some professional psychological help.
This is the funniest stuff I’ve heard in ages. EXCEPT for the doggie-germed lip gloss samples.
Suddenly I feel a whole lot better about being a cat lady, because there’s no way in Hell that I’d ever be as bad as OP’s mom.
i love cats as well. everyone is welcome in my jungle^^^
LOL!!!!!!
DOG YOSHI COSTUME?? I want one 🙁 I don’t even have a dog, but I still need this. Maybe it will fit my sister’s cats…
excuse me ttfn, sometimes i am evian…do you really have those critters?
I’m thinking this was written by kay’s son.
painy, never let it be said that i don’t like kittys too. most guys really love pussies.
Hahaha! The dog sex toy exists:
http://www.geekologie.com/2007/04/dog-sex-…
Then again, it sounds like the OP’s mom may be the dog’s sex toy.
OH THANK GOD….I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS A MOTHER THAT WORSHIPS HER DOG. i’m using the word “dog” loosely, it’s a Pomeranian. she doesn’t let it use the bathroom indoors though. she does have carpet on the front stairs. the dog had a place mat AT THE TABLE. she does take it in the shower. and she has these stupid little marrow filled carcass of something bovine scraps around the house. and he chews them into little spiky land mines that skewer through my foot. these are about 7 bucks a pop. 7 buck, nothing major. but theres like 20 of them around the house. and she asks me for money for groceries. my nephews aren’t allowed in the livingroom because of the new sofas. but there is a satin throw blanket on it for the dog.
this animal worship has got to stop. letting the pets sleep in the bed with you is not out of the ordinary. taking your bed off the frame and sleeping on a mattress on the floor because the retarded dog is too short to get up on the bed on his own, and too stupid to use the little stair case…i swear to god, stair case…you bought is a little much.
small dog syndrome is very common in poms…it thinks it is the leader of the humans. very hard to retrain, your mother sounds like she needs some training
“…continue to buy the same breed and name your dogs the same name and then get angry when I don’t notice you have a different dog when the previous one dies.”
As long as that name isn’t Dad, it’s all good.
oooh that was a gem ms kim…nice to see your words again
Tooo funny. Gonna copy and paste that to my ipod for when I’m feeling down.
Thanks