Dear guy I live with,
Listen, it’s great that you’re now in a relationship. You’re happier, it’s a good relationship, things are happening for you. Fantastic. I have no objections to that.
What I DO have an objection to is hearing you two screwing in the middle of the night, and having the whole thing sound like a damn porno being filmed in our apartment. I’m no prude (believe you me), but you kept me up with your guttural groaning and moaning that seemed interminable, and it just wasn’t necessary.
We live in close quarters, and there was no escape from the aural assault. I had the door shut and pillows shoved into my ears, but it barely dulled your animal calls. I hid out in the living room, hoping the distance would let me escape from the cacophony emanating from your bedroom (directly across from mine, might I remind you), but somehow it actually amplified the sound.
I had to sit in the dark and wait (an hour!) until you finished and shut up, but by then it was 3am. I had to get up early, and there was just no way I was going to easily fall back asleep after suffering through that nightmare. The worst part is, it’s not something I can come up to you about in the morning because I KNOW you. You’ll think that somehow I’m appealing to your bloated ego. I’m not, dude. It’s fucking obnoxious and completely unnecessary for me to hear every damn thrust and accompanying grunt when you have sex in the middle of the night, when the house is at its quietest. (Somehow, when you guys have sex during “waking hours” when the house is able to mask your wild yells with TV and traffic sounds, you two manage to fuck quietly. What is with that?)
The point is, I don’t care that you’re getting some. I just don’t need to hear it, especially not when I work so early in the morning. Next time you two start fucking and sounding like a bad Max Hardcore flick, I’ll make an effort to muster up enough acting skills to make it seem like I’m enjoying the concert by pitching in my own vocal appreciation. We’ll see who feels the most awkward in the morning over coffee and breakfast.
If you don’t get the hint, well, maybe come July you’ll need to find yourself a new roommate who is actually into hardcore voyeurism to renew the lease with.
—A quiet kinkster who doesn’t always need a ball gag to keep quiet.
This article appears in Feb 5-11, 2009.
Childish melodramatics.
Most people don’t have to refer to themselves as kinky. And have you ever heard of ear plugs? or an mp3 player?
I feel your pain. I used to live with a guy who slept with whores and was super loud at night to the point of the noises reaching the second floor from the ground floor. I hid in the basement whenever it happened. I doubt the sex those girls were experiencing was decent enough to warrant animal cries of such grandeur. I slept with the guy and it SUCKED.
Stupid Phat: earplugs are fine, but some of us wouldn’t be able to hear our alarm clocks with ear plugs in.
Sounds like the two don’t realise they’re keeping you up, dude. If they’re quiet during waking hours and loud when they assume you’re sleeping they probably think you can’t hear.
It’s like living with a snorer. ANNOYING as fuck. Next time they fuck so loudly bang on the wall, or simply suck it the fuck up and request that they’re a little quieter at night (just mention it in general terms not in regards to their sexcapades) because you’ve been having a hard time sleeping and you need to get up early. If they don’t (i.e.: decide to be assholes about it) bang on their door until they get the point.
But from the fact that they’re conscious about not being heard during waking hours, I’m sure they’ll be a bit quieter at night if they know you can hear.
I concur with pretty kitty..earplugs just are not acceptable options for some, as they block out EVERYTHING, including alarm clocks!
I doubt it they are exposing you to their play by play of ecstasy on purpose, they probably REALLY don’t know you’re awake..some people ARE sound sleepers and would sleep through anything. I would some let it slip that you can hear them…or indeed comment on the porn going on next door and I’m sure they will quiet donw in no time!
Next time they do it, put a porn movie on really loud, so loud that they notice. this might not work but it would be funny.
put the clock closer to your bed. or head. duh.
I have the radio on between stations at night, so it’s just static. I find it drowns out most irregular noises that might crop up, without being so loud it drowns out my alarm. This method probably isn’t for everyone, though.
I know you don’t want to bring it up to him, but maybe if you bring it up in a way that doesn’t mention sex but rather focuses on the noise aspect, he won’t think you’re stroking his ego. If he knows it was audible maybe he’d be quieter (hopefully…in a perfect world).
Let’s fact it folks: this is a common problem of having room mates. I say fight fire with fire. Did that with my last room mate, shut him up pretty quickly.
I had the same problem a few years ago. No matter how many times I flat out said “keep it down” to the both of them, they kept it up. It was almost like it was some kind of turn on to them knowing that it kept me awake at night. So I turned the tables on them. Not by banging my gf and having her scream and moan. Oh no, I got them much better. I waited until the morning after one of their particularly loud sessions to get them back. When they walked into the kitchen I looked at them both and said “Had a good time last night did we?”. Of course they smirked and laughed. So I said “So did I” and made a jerking off motion. Needless to say she was horrified and I didn’t hear them going at it again for the rest of the 5 months we lived together.
Mole Rat…. bring it up….. stroking….
was that intentional?
Nope, zzz. It was kind of like one of those farts that slip out before you even notice you have to fart.
Ahh Mole Rat…you have a hilarious way with words. Damn near shot hot coffee out of my nose damn you. 🙂