My wanting you, I think for once in my life I am being totally selfish. You are charming and very good-looking and sure you have your faults, some I’m aware of. You tell me to find a nice guy who loves me for me, does he exist? I don’t know, I really don’t think so…I’ve been through more pain than you know. That makes me “damaged goods,” what man, good or bad would take home a damaged cow when he can get perfectly great milk for free? Which is what I’m offering you. I know you’ve been hurt before by different women, I am not different women. Are you afraid you might actually have feelings for me?
I know you turn me on when I think of you. When I’m with you I have feelings I haven’t felt in a very long time. I have an itch that needs to be scratched but no one to scratch it. I’m hoping you’re available to help me. —Your Nemesis
This article appears in Aug 23-29, 2012.
Walk the hell away from it. If someone tells you he isnt nice you damn well listen to him. Or 2 years down the road you will say “i thought you were nice.. .waaaaaaaaaah”.
WALk. AWAY.
It sounds like you have some self healing to do, OP. “Damaged goods” is not a good title to sport. You should really take time to heal, reflect about your past, and how it has made you the strong person you are today. Then think about what you want. A guy who tells you to find a nice guy who loves you, is implying that it’s not him.
You attract the type of energy that you put out to the world. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are damaged goods. You are someone with a difficult past. This colors your view of the world. You survived. You deserve a good life. It’s all about having the right attitudes and perceptions. Take care, and love YOU first, and MOST. I hope you find happiness.
Or maybe try the friends with benefits thing until you or he figure it all out or find someone else?
or move far apart…
Ya know, I’m all for FWB scenarios–Zed, you so made me smile today–thanks, I really needed that:D…but it sounds like, while that is what she is offering, she does have feelings for him…it also sounds like he realizes that and is perhaps being a truly cool cat–not leading her on, letting her know, even, that she deserves better than what she seeks….lopsided feelings complicate the FWB thing way too much…OL, I hope you get to know yourself and your personal worth better–remember (although I forget who said this, it is true), ‘No one can make you feel inadequate without your consent.’ It seems to me that your potential FWB is actually a F-R-I-E-N-D, and an honest one, who will not allow you to consent to a potentially very self-debasing path…I’d lay off the come-ons and enjoy the fact that you have a friend that respects you enough to, well, be respectful.
You think he is pushing you away because he wants you? No, he just gave you a waiver to sign so that any damage inflicted upon you is your fault not his. If you persist, he will hurt you. He won’t care because he believes you’re a complete idiot with absolutely no self-respect. If he is what you say, he probably has no shortage of ladies making you nary a blip on his screen.
He told you to find a nice guy implying he isn’t that. What does that tell you? You’re already “damaged goods” that’s what you think of yourself. You probably got that way through a series of bad decisions and questionable judgment regarding men. Do yourself a favour, let your head do the talking and kick your heart to the curb.
Perhaps they aren’t friends,maybe she knows this guy through a mutual friend or…?
Hey Boru1014, maybe they aren’t friends, but he is still (seemingly) letting her know that what she says she wants and what she needs (and puts forth without words) are two different things. I agree with Kontee McZhidbolz–“‘Damaged Goods’ is not a good title to sport” and “You attract the type of energy that you put out to the world.” OL seems to be confused by an honest ‘thanks, but no thanks’, which has probably more of a familial-historical foundation (we do tend to repeat the patterns ingrained in us at a younger age)…for some reason ‘thanks, but no thanks’ seems to mean ‘try harder, there are special feelings hidden’ to OL. Seems like a classic case of a past that is, at least, peppered with relationships (romantic and non-romantic) with a love-hate base. OL you ARE way more than you give yourself credit for–start to explore the ‘I AM’ in the positive sense…there is so much more out there….maybe you don’t have any idea how to recognize truer feelings. Well, start with recognizing and respecting the honesty that is given to you. Practice this and practice returning the respect (e.g., take ‘no thanks’ as ‘no thanks’). These things will help you to recognize the good stuff, the real stuff; and hopefully help you bring strength, emotional intelligence, and awesome coolness to the table…….that being said, troodon, do you really think the guy involved is that mean or immature? It seems to me that these days most guys can get ‘free milk’ around every corner, on/in every street, creek, or pumpkin patch (nice little position to be in), and they often forget the credo “With great power comes great responsibility”…so when guys actually take the time to communicate honestly (both responsible and tres cool), I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt…according to OL this guy actually took the time to try to let her down gently and honestly, and I think that deserves some props, or maybe I am giving him too much leeway–either way, you did make some good and very salient points…lotsa food for thought for OL…..
damaged goods could mean so many things….
STI…
divorced…
has kids which makes it way harder to find someone…
maybe he’s a religious freak and demands a virgin…
who the hell knows.
That was a thoughtful post Shesang. Unlike myself, you maintain a very optimistic stance regarding this “love”.
I’ve been in the unfortunate situation, too many times, of picking up the pieces following a meltdown in the relationship between a charming, manipulative man and the gullible, smitten woman who ignored the warning signs that this guy is a sociopath.
He’s charming and good-looking, a given for these guys but then “sure you have your faults, some I’m aware of.” That to me means she’s seen the some of the downside already and has heard some more from others. Two warning signs ignored because she’s smitten with him. He then tells her to find a nice guy who “loves me for me”.Meaning he won’t. Another warning sign.
She goes on to say that there isn’t a nice guy out there for her and she’s “damaged goods”. Does that sound like she’s saying she’s not worthy of a good man? It does to me. She’s been damaged by men that she believed in, taking a piece of her each time.
It’s just time to step away from old habits and actually think about what she’s doing. Life’s too short to waste on these losers.
I think that when someone sees you as “damaged goods” for whatever reason, you should view them as striking the big “A” on your personal Asshole Gauge (something we all have, for one reason or another)…people who aren’t mature enough to see the person past/through the damage are really not worth the time, or at least have not achieved the level of emotional maturity that is really required in order to have a successful relationship of any kind…..I thought in the post it was pretty clear that OL sees herself as “damaged goods”, and that the guy didn’t do the obvious–simply take advantage of her, instead he opted to communicate….that seems pretty kind and actually intelligent, but perhaps it is a little freakish, compared to most guys’ behaviour these days (that is, in my experience).
Troodon, your posts are very thoughtful as well:) I have been hurt a lot too–love is so confusing, and real feelings of that kind often seem so rare, self-admittedly, I do tend to give guys way too much rope, but when they hang themselves with me, they really hang themselves…I do think it is easier to take baby-steps towards a better outlook in these situations though. Sometimes just telling yourself to move forward is not enough and you can end up making even worse decisions if you don’t give yourself just a little room to validate your feelings, however misplaced–by ‘validate’ I mean ‘allow yourself to feel without letting yourself follow through with potentially self-debasing actions’…..man, it is difficult to navigate the social scene these days!! I do feel for you OL–I really hope you are ok. Thanks also Troodon, for the responses–good take on this Love.
This woman seems confused by his ‘I want you but I don’t want you’ flipflop.She may feel comfortable enough to open up her life and/or body to only this man.It doesn’t sound as though she expects anything but what she’s asking of him,which is sex. he could be the only man she’s met in a long time that she felt a connection to.
Sure she’s had a rough life but why assume OB is a total EQ retard?Perhaps she’s cognizant of at least some of this man’s faults but is willing to overlook them?.. She could be aware of the 5W’s of the results of what she’s been through during her life….You can’t get your Prince Charming without kissing a few frog’s.
Perhaps the man is kind of lonely but doesn’t know what/who he wants in his life….Sounds as though they’re both a little confused.
SheSang
“the guy didn’t do the obvious–simply take advantage of her”
OP never said the man she needs ever had an opportunity to “take advantage of her”…Maybe he wanted to take advantage of her and she turned him down for whatever reason,then regreted her decision.Like OP said they both have their faults.
Boru, maybe you’re right, but I thought the post read more as if they had met and she was turned down–perhaps only due to an obvious need or desire for something more than just sex on her part. She says she is just offering sex, but asserts that his rejection (a negative response) indicates a potentially deeper attraction (a positive response), and that doesn’t make sense….I could be being too specific, but that was the read I got and what I was responding to….I would agree with you that it is clear that they both have their faults, like everyone else…perhaps the clearist thing about this post is its lack of clarity. Still, I think we have all given OL a lot of good points to think about.