I have a friend who is married to a control freak. She is expected to look like she stepped out of a magazine every moment of the day, to diet constantly and is never able to let her hair down for one second. He has told her that if she gains weight or doesn’t wear the dresses and high heels he chooses, he will leave her for someone more accommodating. I can’t believe this wonderful, vibrant person has turned into a human doormat in less than two years. One night when she and hubby were visiting me, she scoffed down some homemade bread in the kitchen where her husband couldn’t see her. It was sad to watch. I’ve tried talking to her about his control over her but to no avail. She loves him. As a friend, this makes me absolutely batshit.
This article appears in Aug 14-20, 2008.
Wow..it’s hard to believe that some people actually put up with shit like that. I have a friend who is in a relationship with a very controlling guy. They’re both young..early 20’s. In the 6 months they’ve been dating, she’s lost her 2 closest friends, and has only socialized with other people outside of the relationship a handfull of times..and not without causing a terrible fight by doing so. She’s constantly coming to me, asking my advice about what to do when he gets angry, and i’ve told her to either take a stand and do what she wants, (he’ll have no choice but to deal), or get rid of him..and i’d be doing the latter. I love her like a sister, but after this long, and our repeated conversations about him getting angry over stupid shit, i’ve decided not to bother anymore. At this point, it’s just as much her fault as it is his, and i’d have to say the same for your friend. Although i don’t know her situation like you do, only your friend can put an end to her marriage before it gets even worse.
It’s awful to see that happen. I can no longer be friends with people like that. If someone came to me for help, then of course I would…but it’s kind of soul destroying to be involved in such a toxic situation. Sounds exactly like that movie “Sleeping With the Enemy”- don’t be surprised if you find out that your friend is being smacked around, too.
That sounds like, no,is I control freak. Im a guy and I would, could never be in a relationship like that. I like my women to be feisty, have their own opinion, dress, act, eat, do whatever the hell they like.My advice to this poor soul is to get out of that relationship as fast as you can and run like hell in the other direction. It’s only going to get worse. I know the type, and they are assholes to the core. Good luck with that you poor kid.
I think this is a horrible situation, but at the same time I don’t understand how she lets this happen. I have a really tough time feeling sorry for some one who can’t take control of their own life and do what’s best for them. It’s time for her to grow up. Actually it’s time for him to grow up as well.
I had one of my oldest friends in a very similar circumstances. Unfortunately, she’s 58 years old and has invested her whole life catering to the prick she’s married to. Obviously, she has some very serious self-esteem issues. But instead of going for therapy, she continues to make excuses for this bastard and dresses and acts the way he wants her to. The few times she rebelled, he threatened to leave her and she automatically caved. I had to give up and walk away from this friendship – it was much too painful to watch and I had done all I could. Maybe we can hang around again if a 500 lb, anvil falls out of the sky and pounds that balding sack of shit into the ground.
TTFN, that’s exactly what i’m afraid is going to happen to my friend. Her boyfriend doesn’t like her wearing clothes that he doesn’t approve of:She was excited about buying a really expensive new blazer and matching pants the other day, and now she’s considering taking it back because he ‘doesn’t like the color grey’. The other day, he tore a strip off of her in front of his entire family because she was reading a book. I think this guy has been spoiled far too much by his mommy, and like a puppet, she caters to his every whim. It makes me sick.
The first time some dick ‘disapproved’ of what I wore would be the day I made a fucking necklace out of his testicles. That any person can control your life enough to make you constantly walk on eggshells is abuse as far as I’m concerned. One time I did say something nasty to my friend’s spouse when he was berating her over wearing flat shoes and he ‘banned’ her from seeing me for almost a year. How sad is that? I’ve tried to rescue various other women over the years in similar situations but rarely succeeded. What can you do when a woman is too afraid to be on her own and is financially beholded to such scum?
those who seek to control the lives of others do so because they’ve lost control over their own, and it becomes easier (rewarding even) for the ‘control freak’ to dominate & control someone else’s life.also, those who ‘need’ to be subjugated are relieved from the mundane burden of taking charge of their own life, ie, some (many) people feel a strong need to be dominated and told how to live (how to dress, what to eat, you name it). it’s a symbiotic relationship, albeit a pathological onethey enable each other, and arguably, both are mentally ill
Is this my thread? *ahem*”much violence against women originates in emotional territory that they already command… women are in total, despotic control of their marriages”Thus says Camille Paglia. She also theorizes that women stay in violent and/or controlling situations because they equate it with hot sex.I’d LOVE to hear Ann Coulter’s perspective….sick bitches….
I think what happens sometimes is women wait, in their infinite patience, for the great guy they got together with to ‘change back’ after he starts acting abusive. The truth is, the guy he is now IS the real guy – the nice guy in the beginning was just an act. Those fuckers never show who they are on the way in, or their shit would never fly. I agree that he probably won’t change. As a friend, all you can do is support her and wait for her to *get* it, which is tough, and very hard to watch. You could ask her why he found her so attractive the way she was, but now tries to make her into something she’s not. You could say you notice she seems very unhappy and not at all her wonderful, vibrant self. You could say he’s too controlling, he’s too hard on her, but until she recognizes what it’s doing to her and, obviously, her other relationships, all you can do is be patient and wait for her to ‘change back’ to the vibrant, outgoing person she is… or used to be. So sad.
This sort of treatment is a form of mental abuse, in my opinion.It takes a certain lack of respect for someone to be walking all over you like that. I’m certain there are men who abuse physically also, and I wouldn’t doubt for a moment that some of these men not only are abusing one woman in their life, but likely have a history of abuse in this manner. I don’t know if upbringing can actually be a cause, as I was brought up in this sort of environment, and I’m the exact opposite. I make a point of USUALLY having a consensus with my partner. We both make decisions, but I don’t need to encourage her to have her own opinion and things she likes.Sadly men who abuse mentally in this manner often abuse physically also. I think many men who abuse in this manner may also be bi-polar, as they can be VERY loving and “doting” one minute and turn into total assholes in minutes.Good luck to anyone who encounters someone like this. They are often very “sociable” with others, and away from the relationship they seem totally “normal”.. whatever that is… LOL In other words,when he’s alone he/she (I’ve known a woman like this also) they can be very charming and no-one would know what nasty “motivations” are on their minds..A humble opinion..
These types of relationships takes low self-esteem from both sides in order to happen. The man will have low self-esteem and will use his controlling ways as a tool to feel more manly because he’s so scared that his woman may actually want to talk to someone besides him. They’re so afraid of losing the woman, that they can only feel secure if they’re dominating and orchestrating every moment of her life.These types of guys look for women who have a low opinion of themselves, because they’re easier to control. They find an insecurity and feed into it to keep her from leaving. An emotionally strong woman wouldn’t put up with these types of men. My advice to your friend is to get out while she can. These things only ever get worse, never better. Something is holding her to him and she’s scared to leave him. She’ll say that she loves him, but it’s probably just a fear of some kind. Either of being alone, or she’s convinced she can’t get anybody else. If you could find out what her insecurity is, you may be able to convince her that it’s an unfounded fear, and she’ll leave the loser. Hopefully, she won’t wind up an abuse statistic.