There is a fundamental problem with human relationships. It seems that when we love something, we want to own it in some way. Love your partner? Don’t let them love anyone else. Love your kid? Don’t let them make mistakes. Love your pet? Cloister it inside all day so no harm will come to it.
I think our hearts are in the right place. But a zen master once said “This kind of love makes you want to own. And the desire to own will make you capable of murder”
What ever happened to the idea that we love without attachment? That you can love someone and be willing to let them go? That you can love your kids and trust that they’ll do the right thing without you winding them in yards of bubble wrap?
I choose to be single. I also choose to be celibate. These are difficult but the other option is emotional slavery with moments of guilt-ridden freedom and that is unacceptable.
Ideas of STDs and careless caregiving aside (because we DO need to be cautious – the world of men is a dangerous place after all) why must we continue to feel it NECESSARY to box each other in? Why do we feel jealous and betrayed when our lover loves someone else? What’s up with that? It’s nature! It’s like feeling betrayed because summer gives way to fall.
Don’t get me wrong… I feel the same way which is why I have chosen to avoid this part of life until I can understand why I respond like this.
Why do we do this to each other? Why can’t we all just get along? Why do we assume that if someone we love loves someone else that we have lost them? Drop this attitude and you won’t lose anyone. —Bonobo
This article appears in Jan 5-11, 2012.
Re: “Human ownership”
You really don’t know fuck about human nature, do you, OP? So, instead, you choose to put yourself in a celibate box and remove yourself from any future attachments – sounds like you’re bubblewrapped yourself.
And the only other option is ’emotional slavery with moments of guilt-ridden freedom’??? – what utter bull plop, OP – I’ve been in a 28 year relationship and never felt ‘enslaved’ or ‘guilty’. You are doing yourself a great disservice with such generalizations.
I’m with Tits McGee.
You’ve chosen one kind of slavery (self-imposed islolation) over another (your shitty relationships, which you project as everyone else having too).
If you are unable to have normal relationships, fine, but don’t you (and Jim Kramer) presume everyone else is fucked up like you.
Many of us are happy, and use setbacks as learning experiences.
Wpaul
Humans and Wolves are the only animals that typically try to find a mate for life. It is in our nature. Not to say that we aren’t attracted to others. But our nature makes us want to find life partners. A lot of it is to do with Security.
I think you need to grow up a bit, all men are not scary, just as all women are not.
I am glad you have chosen to step back and think about it. Periods of reflection are great.
Two nipples up, you sweet smelling bugger!
only humans and wolves huh?
http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/p…
debunked.
I think, personally, that this person is wise not to complicate their life by engaging in activities they don’t quite fully understand….
give it time… you may just find someone who’s just as up for swinging as you are.
I get what you’re saying op but … “It’s nature!” … how many times has that line been used. It’s not “natural” to strap a man down in a rocket and send him to the moon .. but we did it. I guess we should learn from that … and never do it again … after all it’s not natural right.
FREE LOVE FOR ALL
A more concise way to have written this bitch would have been “I’m 30 and I live with my mommy and I’m damn proud of it”
good for you o.p., too many times, has love of something been twisted by jealousy. it happens to the best of us, even i, yes i said i. it was long ago and far away, in this galaxy. but she was a queen to me, instead of a princess. it got to the point of being up all day and night, waiting for her to make a call to someone, not sure whom. but the call never got made, and i even monitored the incoming ones too.
that was pretty fucking drastic and yes, desperate. but i wa fairly young and stupid. now, i am old and stupid. but let the ladies have their freedom to do as they please. as long as they don’t fuck anyone else, i won’t. but that is a chapter of the suckster saga, that i hope to bury forever. guys, girls, give enough room to move around, or the next move, will be out of your lives. i learneed that far too late.
OB, don’t forget about the Muslims, etc and their honor killings. They claim they do it out of love.
Anyone else get the irony of “Bonobo”, the most sexual of the monkeys, the only animal other than humans to have sex only for pleasure, the only animal other than humans to have face to face coitus? Nice one OB!
It’s also been documented that dolphins will have sex for pleasure, not necessarily face-to-face mind you. lol
And useless bar trivia fact: Sex in Bonobo society is used as a greeting, a means of conflict resolution, and a host of other social gestures. They do not form permanent relationships with individual partners. Aside from humans, they are the only known animal to engage in french kissing and oral sex and even same sex interactions.
Thank you google.
Emotional slavery? A bit dramatic, don’t you think? It’s not ownership, it’s commitment. You sound like another dude that can’t commit. Then hey! Enjoy your celibacy, genius! I’m so tired of hearing the excuse men use: It’s in our biological MAKEup to want to hunt and spread our seed, yadda yadda… while women are nesters and nurturers of the children. We have finally found out scientific reasoning behind this Nesting phase we like to call monogamy- Oxytosin – the false love hormone. This chemical is secreted from women’s brains after orgasm. So if you do us right, we will fall for you…want to nest (cuddle) and commit (own your ass). Men don’t really have much of this love chemical, so that’s why they are emotionless tools, war-mongers and basically a sub-par gender.
I’ve got some oxy-contin no_fool 😉 but that’s about it
Me thinks Bonobo the sex monkey is celibate by chance, not choice.
nu-uh, D-man. Additionally, swans, wolves and greylag geese mate face to face. A fact that some believe correlates to their monogamy.
sub-par gender, wha?
you’re a fucking cow….
how’s that for showing some emotion?
bitch.
A lot of people are assuming OP is a female.
I am hearing a male.. Men are always bitching about jealousy and how much it sucks.
I think ol’ OP’s ramping up to the suggestion of a group marriage commune where people do nothing but fuck and plant asparagus.
Dude op i’m totally down.
Someone has been taking too much Valium!
I kind of agree with the OP to an extent.. I’m not one for being tied to someone forever or trying to find someone to be with forever. The thought of forever depresses me. I enjoy people who can be like Starbucks’ holiday drinks.. fucking awesome, but for a limited time only. Mini Eggs just aren’t as thrilling when you can get them whenever you want.
Celibate bonobo=oxymoron. Not to be mistaken with oxytosin or oxycontin.
bononbos definitely don’t need drugs http://www.trionfopublishing.com/images/bo…
I’ll keep my greetings to handshakes and hugs not cootchie pops and rubs … thank you very much Bonobo Society.
Ah ha
Can I eat potatoes for the rest of my life?
Yes, if it dressed up sang me a song, and changed the tune occasionally, I could. I think one doesn’t put enough stock in humanity. Forever seems like a long time yes, but … I’d love my children … forever. Or would I?
Hmmm curious thought (not sarcasm). Perhaps we’re meant to mate, stay together and eventually end apart. I mean menopause certainly hints at this. Of course we died much younger in the past so commitment didn’t seem so daunting. But in such a consumerist (hey, I’m right there with my dolla dolla bills yall ready to buy anything) fast pace, easily replaceable society it makes sense personal lives would echo this. I think this is why the person I eventually “choose” to “settle down” with better shit and piss rainbows daily, because I certainly intend to. One has to make life interesting for oneself first.
Humans are too selfish as a species to ever make stuff like this work. It’s one thing to just have sex with someone and to never see them again but it’s wholly another to undermine the integrity of a relationship with lies and deception. In plural marriages there is usually (and I say this … completely realizing this may not be the truth) a person who is … hmm … holds power. The relationship is unbalanced on a genetic level. So, ok I’ll have multiple partners and so shall you. Ok so we’re now and multiple partners both ways. What security does this give me (and you) on the genetic level? None really. BUT then … dum da da dummmmm! here comes the birth control pill, and now I can choose to give you genetic security … so does this mean we can love multiple people, each of us, and still be with each other? On paper it does. But then … what about your other loves to whom you cannot promise genetic security … do they take mates? … ok so we all have mates. Then children are born in an interwoven society. Ok seems doable, but think on a grand scale … say 7 billion people … that becomes … um … difficult. So we’d fraction off into little sections and have our own groupings … oh good God … theoretically this could work. However, viability in a complex upper level species (biologically) is not just mating randomly to produce more fit offspring, we’ve been shown to actually make a decision on fitness … and yes ladies that birth control pill is totally fucking with our decisions. So if your fella says it’s natural to want to “spread his seed” far and wide … give him a realllll cut side eye and say “you’re not an agiosperm dahling”
We should just stop having children lol. Ease up on the carrying capacity.
As far as ownership … I don’t own you. I can only act for myself, you are your own autonomous being and you may do as you wish. The only thing I’d ask for is a fair dynamic. The things you choose to do, I hope you’d allow me to do the same. This would be reciprocated.
well said donkalicious and with all this tater talk, i’m think i might some some latkes. ya know for second hump day
thinking, i no good
I agree, it would be nice. Too bad we’re human.
You know, with emotions and all of that crap.
Hey OP I think many enlightened people are seeing that monogamy may not be the future and we’re barely hanging on to it in the present. This has been a topic of discussion with many philologist and anthropologists lately. Truth be known there is probably very little true happy monogamy in the world. I believe many relationships turn into traps that only exist for security (financial, emotional etc.) I believe there can be truly happy relationships but the divorce rate has proven that it isn’t for everyone forever and the rate only shows the people that actually did something about their unhappiness. People grow and change and if you are not with someone open minded for the changes it will either be a lonely relationship or a secretive other life one will carry on with. Things just aren’t what they use to be, one can look at that as a good thing or a bad thing. Good luck with your journey of finding your enlightenment OP, hope you find it.
“so does this mean we can love multiple people, each of us, and still be with each other? On paper it does.”
If you can love multiple children, and multiple friends, and multiple parents/grandparents/relatives and have unique and wonderful relationships with each of them, why couldn’t you love and have unique, wonderful (committed, even!) relationships with multiple partners? *shrugs*
Answer: you can. It’s not for everyone, but for some of us it works really well. Monogamy is fine if it makes you happy, but if it doesn’t, OP, why don’t you give something else a try? 🙂