HRP, do your job

General Ivan E. Lee at 4:29PM:

Ivan writes that the quote “an iron fist in a velvet glove” is taken from the novel “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” by Joh LeCarre. Ivan goes on to claim that the phrase refers to “a distinctly louche relationship between two major characters that is appropriate to the current context.”

The first thing I have to say is that, Ivan, you should stop reading novels. Put them away. Take your reality straight.

The second thing I have to say is that while I appreciate your reflections – I am going to award you one star – the reference is not drawn from Le Carre but rather from from Napoleon who enshrined it as his “diplomatic” approach to those who might quibble with his plans. It was picked up by the historian Thomas Caryle from whom Le Carre probably got it. Caryle wrote, “Soft of speeech and manner, yet with an inflexible vigour of command.. the iron hand in the velvet glove.” God, I wish I had said that.

Ivan, stop reading fiction. Put it down now, you simpleton.

Cheerio!

To: General Ivan E. Lee at 8:10PM

Sorry, General, I don’t do Underclass trivia. You must try to raise the level of your game. I want you to know, however, that I fully support any efforts you might attempt to make in that direction. You have my unconditional backing. In addition, always remember that more stars wait to be awarded for honest effort.

To: Hugo Phurst at 8:59PM

Hugo, I find it utterly refreshing that a member of Halifax’s Underclass can bare his soul in this manner. While your failings are numerous, you must not despair. Professional help is only a telephone call away. There’s a lot of clutter in the old attic but, with proper care, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

However, I do find the reference to mispelling your name mystifying. Can you clarify?

Cheerio!

To: General Ivan E. Lee at 10:36AM

“Cummi Bears?” General, I was going to ask, but on second thought, I reconsidered. Are you engaging in some sort of bestial fantasy? Remember, as with Hugo, help is only a telephone call away.

I must say that the only “sad and arid” part of my existence is reading your mindless stuff. You appalling buffoon.

To: Hugo Phurst at 11:20AM:

Hugo, you are getting progressively more incoherent with each post. Go to the telephone now. You might run into the General on the way, spouting off about “cumi bears,” but ignore his mindless patter. You cretin.

Cheerio!

Thank you all out there in the Underclass once again for your kind thoughts.

: The “Appalling Buffoon” (aka Ivan something-or-other – will he never go away?) writes at 9:24AM that, in his “Will and Testicle” (I loved that, you buffoon!) that he is ready to bequeath his collection of Montrealman comics to the lucky beneficiary. My only comment here is that my thought could never be captured in cartoon form and if in principle it were possible, you would still not be able to grasp it.
You appalling buffoon.

:The appropriately named “Donkey” writes at 9:53AM:

“What’s your deal dude? Why all the hostility?”

Doesn’t Donkey have a way with words? Well, Donkey, my “deal,” as I have said before, is listening the mind(s) of the underclass in Halifax made manifest in their words in the hope that one or two (at most) will avail themselves of my erudition to write a term paper or even a thesis. You see, Donkey, the words people use is a reflection of their minds, or lack thereof. It’s analagous to seeing the face as the mirror of the soul. Look at it as a sort of academic exercise but one which might bear positive fruit. Of course, Donkey, I’m not motivated by hostility, quite the opposite. In addition to its academic spinoff, I see my efforts as bringing the blessings of at least some minimal degree of self-awareness to the subnormals of the Halifax Underclass so that they might begin the slow ascent to the baseline of rationality. To take the present case, listening to your words, Donkey, I can see you have a long way to go. But don’t give up. I award stars for effort, not just for success.

: The Appalling Buffoon is back again (I forgot to write the time down but it doesn’t matter) suggesting I take a picture of “Pendejo” which I might use as a sexual stimulant under the covers at night. Two points: (1) Who is “Pendejo?” Not some character in a trashy novel, I hope. (2) I find you have a very unhealthy monomania with aberrant sexual practices, buffoon. While enrolled in the local Twelve Step program for recovering alcoholics you might consider signing up for the deviant sexual addiction cure. They say it’s, quite literally, shocking. You appalling bufoon.

: Eddie Yates is back again as well with the usual sordid Irish tale about his friend Marty. It seems Marty “couldn’t spell underclass if it was tatooed on the back of his hand.” Yes, Eddie, you’ve hit on another Underclass Marker, that of the subliterates which one finds at its lower reaches. Have another Guinness, Eddie.

: Finally, there’s The Cretin (aka Hugo Phurst) at 2:20PM who calls me “Smeg.” Is that an endearing dimunitive of “Sméagol” which you used in your previous post of 4:34PM yesterday? You also note that you’re “glad you have a sense of humour.” I am glad too, Cretin, that you used the second “u.”
in “humour.” There might be hope for you yet, you cretin.

Cheerio!

A slight error: In my reply to Martym at 3:55PM I made refernce to Ivan as a “buffon.” Actually, this is the French version. In English, it is called a “buffoon” but the meaning is similar. Make the appropriate changes in your notebooks.

Cheerio!

Thank you all once again for your “thoughtful” comments and kind wishes.

Balls at 3:25PM is confused about my claim that the cost of deleting “The New FML” was “enormous.” Breathtakingly, he grounds his view on the basis that, since I post “quite often,” it follows that “in the overall scheme of things it was hardly a loss.” Balls then goes on to wonder whether my emotions are rendering me incapable of distinguishing “a small cost as compared to an enormous cost.”

I’m begining to wonder about Balls. If anyone, I thought he would have realized that the value of my contributions does not rest on their frequency but rather on their quality. We’re talking about my listening to, and explicating the significance of, the minds of the Underclass as exemplified in their (written) words, Balls. Could anything be more important? No, Balls, my emotions will never blunt the precision of my own analytical powers. It’s time to re-think the coherence of your categories, Balls.

The Simpleton (aka Martym) returns at 9:30PM with the profound question as to whether the term is “a good thing.” Yes, Simpleton, “simpleton” is a good thing in that it accurately portrays the vapidity of you real-world mind. You simpleton.

The Appalling Buffoon (oh, no!) is back at 10:47PM complaining about “Niles Crane” and whether “he is feeling the heat because he’s ignoring spellcheck and his reading comprehension is slipping.” The answers, in serial order, are no, no, and no. Actually, I’m feeling quite cool, there was one spelling error (the second “e” in “reference” – good going you buffoon!) and there is no evidence given of comprehension slippage. Of course, one never does expect a coherent argument from the Appalling Buffoon. In fact, I think the Appalling Buffoon is the one beginning to feel the heat. He’s getting desperate. Time to seek out professional help. One question only: Does “Niles Crane” haved any real-world reference, is it a name you came across in your trashy fiction, or is the name simply the product of your fevered but uninspired imagination? You appalling buffoon!

Eddie Yates returns at 12:45AM to protest my spelling of his name. He thinks it should be “Yeats” but I refuse to place Eddie’s patronymic next to that of the Irish bard. So, Eddie, it’s “Yates” from now on, the same as that of the English wine bar. Have another Guinness, Eddie, you imbecile.

The Donkey returna at 3:38AM: The late hour must be one of the contributing factors to the mindlesssness of his posts. At 3:45PM yesterday, as you might recall, he gave birth to the momentus, “Mmm, okay montrealman.” Now, after sleeping on it and reving up his cells, he gives birth to the revelatory, “OK MM, we get it..” My God, Donkey, you’ve got to do something, but your intellectual resources are clearly not promising. But don’t give up.

Cheerio!

Hello once again to all my friends in the Underclass, and thank you all for your kind comments. So it’s back to the mailbag.

Oceanchick at 11:45AM raises an interesting point but, in typical Underclass fashion, seems to think that its mere assertion substantiates its truth. “Such beliefs,” she maintains in reference to those who believe they are better than everyone else, “are indicators of the exact opposite.” (Oceanlady doesn’t appears to grasp that she is simply caling me unintelligent by inference, and so subject to her own criticism, but let it pass.) So far so good. Now, where’s the evidence? Ah, of course, there is none. Oceanlady simply supposes that her assertion is sufficient to establish its truth which, to my way of thinking, is pretty self-important as well. Further, HOW does Oceanlady know that I think I am better and everyone else? She doesn’t know me or I her. Is “name calling” proof? Then the same must apply to the rest of the commenters on this thread, including, of course, Oceanlady herself. A final point: As you know, I am engaged in listening to the minds of the Underclass who make these comments. This is in the interests of evidence-based research for those hoping to improve their intellectual lot, possibly producing a term paper or even a thesis on the Underclass in Halifax. My conclusions, often contained in a simple name, are the fruits of that research. Profit from it, Oceanlady, rather than engaging in self-contradictory innuendo.

Freddd at 12:26 PM confirms my point. “Yes, Oceanlady,” he crows, “isn’t he a stupid loser?”
Um, Oceanlady, are you listening? Isn’t that precisely the sort of thing you were talking about?

: Balls at 12:32 is still spinning his wheels over his perception that I am unable to distinguish a “small from and enormous cost.” As a matter of fact, Balls, I didn’t know that my piece on “The New FML” was available on my history. I simply assumed it had been deleted since it didn’t appear on the regular site. I now hope that you and all the others will benefit from my probing analysis of the philosophical error of “nominalism” and, in its contemporary guise, that of “postmodernism.” Of course, the commenter was in complete ignorance of the philosophical implications of her comment. Welcome to my history to all in the Underclass. Try to profit from its riches.

Freddd is back at 1:50PM with his usual inane remarks. His comment at 112;26PM says all that needs to be said. And no, I don’t know (or care) who “Sebastian” is. (Are you listening Oceanlady?)

The Cretin (aka Hugo Phrost) makes his appearance at 1:57PM offering (are you still listening Oceanlady?) his pedestrian pop psychology, a venomous attack on my physical attributes (still there Oceanlady?) and, incredibly, the assertion that intelligence is to be equated with a knowledge of “socio/pop cultural references.” When I called his “The Cretin” I sure had it right!

The Simpleton (aka Martym) is back at 2:10PM. You’re on to something, you simpleton.

The Imbecile (aka Eddie Yates) is back at 2:58PM threatening violence. (Listening Oceanlady?)

Fredd returns at 3:04PM claiming, aw, forget Freddd.

A doddle as always.

Cheerio!

Hello once again to all my friends in the Underclass. I suppose it’s now time to come clean.

It was all a big put-on from the start. Realizing that the defining marker of the Underclass in Halifax, as elsewhere, was their rabid anti-intellectualism, I decided to come on as a superior, all-knowing intellectual. (As a matter of fact I do have a Ph.D. in philosophy, but don’t go crazy.) I framed my approach as an attempt to assist those who were capable of writing a term paper or even a Master’s thesis on the Underclass in Halifax. I always enjoyed the responses, particularly those of the “Appalling Buffoon.” That man’s got a mind! Anyway, I hope I haven’t offended. I’ve enjoyed every minute. Maybe some time the Appalling Buffoon, the Cretin, the Simpleton, the Imbecile and who knows, even Balls himself – we can all get together one night for a beer. I’m buying!
Love to all!

Cheerio!

Cheerio!

Clearing up a few loose ends…

: Oceanchick at 8:06PM writes, “Ph.Ds in philosophy aren’t worth diddly squat without Social Skills 101.”

Two comments: (1) It was never my intention to go after anyone but the “Redneck Strutters,” those blowhards on this site who, unsuprisingly, lack precisely those “social skills” which you appear to esteem so highly. In other words, when dealing with the Strutters, one can forget about the “social skills.” It’s a “When in Rome” kind of thing. (2) Those “social skills,” which you clearly possess in abundance, are worth “diddly squat” when they are used to conceal some further, unannounced goal or function. Remind you of anyone you know, Oceanchick?

: Donkey at 8:22PM gets up on his high horse and informs me that, “I’d go, drink a few rounds of your beer, laugh politely at your jokes, excuse myself to the loo and never come back.” You forgot something, Donkey. You weren’t invited.

: Balls at 9:12PM quotes me back to myself: “Intelligence resides in the ability to make distinctions.” I was initially puzzled why he would do this and then the coin dropped (I think). He thought that this also was a pose on my part, part of my “persona.” No so Balls. One should distinguish between the form (in the present case the cover I adopted, that of the know-it-all teacher) and the substance of my posts (here the actual content of my quotation). While the first was part of my “persona,” I certainly believe the latter, while perhaps not exhaustively, comes close to an accurate definition of intelligence. How’s that, Balls, an example illustrating the substance-form distinction by way of illustrating the substance-form distinction. Pedagogy of a high order, if you ask me.

: Coastie at 9:35PM shows remarkable understanding in his reference to the “right-wing assholes” on this site. These were precisely those I was targeting, Coastie, but practicing my “social skills,” I referred to them as the “Redneck Strutters.” It would have been nice to have heard from you before.

: The Cretin (aka Hugo Phrost) comes on at different times with mixed messages. He rejects my assertion that I have a Ph.D. He just knows I’m lying because, well, he just knows. It turns out that the Cretin is a prooof-reader and has spotted grammtical and spelling mistakes in my posts. As is usually the case with the blowhards however, he provides no examples. Oddly, he posted a link asking for my e-mail address. Hmm, is this a trap? Should I watch my back?

Finally, the Simpleton (aka Martym) comes on at 9:35PM stating, “At least nobody lost an eye.” I would argue, on the contrary Simpleton, that everyong gained a great deal. The commenters, one hopes, learned that simply asserting a claim provides no grounds for its truth. I, on the other hand, learned I possess enormous pedagogical skills, to say nothing of literary abilities of an incomparable order.

Well, tea time. Must run.

Cheerio!