I get up especially early so I have time to make myself a good lunch every morning. This past month SOMEONE has been stealing small snacks from my lunch. SOMEONE has been taking a little more every week; as if they did it gradually enough, I wouldn’t notice. I have gone completely lunch-less three days in a row because SOMEONE has graduated to taking the entire lunch, bag and all!. I’ve complained, wrote notes, labels… nothing like this works. I have to bring extra non-perishables to stash just in case my lunch goes missing. I’m sick of eating crackers! I need to catch this asshole or at least make them suffer… but how without getting fired or arrested? Food coloring? Ex-lax? Help me!
—hungrey
This article appears in Dec 17-23, 2009.
Buy a big coolie bag. Put ice packs in it to keep cold things cold. Place it under your desk. TAH DAH!
Or, if you’re in a job with no personal space, put it within eyesight all the time. TAH DAH!
Or, alternatively, put a mini spy cam in it, and tape the bastard in the act…
I’d opt for option one or two, though…
Spread crazy glue all over your lunch bag, so whoever touches it will have the bag glued to their hand. Then leave a note which says DO NOT TOUCH MY LUNCH.
A live rattlesnake in the bag might work, but it’ll get you arrested.
Pack a “lunch” with unsavoury items such as a cat food sandwich, soured milk, etc. etc. and let the thief have their way with it. Perhaps it will discourage future raids on your snacks.
people that steal the lunch of others…wtf is your problem..buy your own fucking lunch…ASSHOLES
I like jennier’s idea. That or put laxatives in all your food one day.
I usually write little positive messages on my kids’ paper lunch bags, but I guess writing, “Saliva Warning. Everything licked. (Cause I can eat my own spit without getting sick.)” should deter most people…no matter how hungry they are.
If that doesn’t work, you can find little bags of frozen dog poop in trash cans all over the city.
3 words OP:
fecal coliform bacteria
A cooler bag is probably your best bet, OP.
This is probably one of the move valid bitches I’ve read in a long time, especially considering all the asshated parking ban bitches.
You could always get the little gelding in a later Bitch who hates his brother and jam him in the fridge to guard your lunch?
I would definitely include some rotting food in my lunch. And a note about how that’s all that will be in the lunch bag from now on if they insist on stealing it every time.
On the other hand, if you have a microwave at work, I would suggest buying some individual servings of soup. They don’t need to be refrigerated, and there are some you can heat up in their own little containers so you don’t need to bring one from home.
so,where are you at,a group home,or a hostel.if you have roomies,find something they all hate and make that instead.either that,or make a nice turd sandwich,and leave it there for your friend.or dose the shit with fucking cayanne pepper,you will know then for sure who is taking your shit.
Cat & dog food sandwiches.
Best one ever, large dose of antabuse in anything like pudding or juice . Hopefully they’re a social drinker, they’ll be hurling their guts up & no idea why.
After a day or so you can post that someone has been eating your cat/dog food sandwiches & drinking your antabuse… I really like the exlax idea make some brownie’s or pudding put an entire exlax bar in it (maybe 2) you’ll soon know who the thief is…just keep an eye on the bathroom 😉
Don’t get mad, OP just get even .
ah the “little monsters” pranks…. highly effective though you may have to go hungry a couple days to pull them off and stop the douche.
ice packs are another alternative…
though I’m not sure why most lunchboxes don’t come with locks. Even just those little tiny ones…
haha, I’m now picturing a sobeys bag with a giant padlock on it.
just grind up some cyanide into your sandwich. problem solved.
well my sister was in the same boat as you. she had lunches going missing for about 2 weeks, so her fiance made a *special* sandwich. He made some tuna and added some boogers into it as well, he trimmed his pubes and mixed it all together leaving a little bit of the tuna with just mayo to put on the edges so you couldnt see the hairs sticking out. believe it or not the sandwich was gone lmfao!! try someone of that sort!!
something of that sort *
put razors in it
Well, if you didn’t make your lunches so yummy, I wouldn’t be tempted to steal it. So, I blame you.
This happened in our office too. Turns out it was done out of need and not greed 🙁 Someone who was very hungry and needed the meal but was too ashamed to ask for help. Making ends meet is harder for some than it is for others… Just something to thik about. Does it make it right? No! But it happens.
anyone else reminded of ‘waiting’ ?
ah… the goat……
This is a frequent problem at most places that share a lunchroom/kitchen…
The thing that gets me about a co-worker stealing my (or someone elses) lunch is the fact that we WORK TOGETHER, so the thief probably makes as much, or more money than I do, so WHY steal someone’s food? If you forget to make your lunch, then you can probably go buy a sandwich from somewhere…
It just baffles me how inconsiderate, lazy, stupid, and ignorant some people can be!
Food colouring, put it in something that’s the same colour as the food colouring, and is messy enough to eat that some of it will rub off on their mouth/teeth/hands. Whoever is stained after lunch is the culprit. Hopefully they won’t notice before you do.
You could get in trouble for using laxitives…
Oh this one is easy . Cook in a few boxes or exlax or whatever other kind of ” make you poop ” laxitive – loads of it and then just wait and watch for the cocksucker who runs for the can and explodes in it – all day long . PS spit in the desert and make sure you drag whatever you made across a real dirty bathroom floor .
Oh yea fizz you are right you could get in shit for using laxitives – but whats buddy gonna do ? Go running to the boss and explain – hey I just ripped off buddys lunch – and well anyways I shit my liver out and still need to shove my guts back up my ass – but I wanna press charges ? Just wondering – me personally I would say I enjoy exlax and peanut butter cookies because I haven’t crapped in a week.
i cant believe this actually happens….does anyone know of someone getting fired for this?
how about cream of flesh eatin disease soup and broken glass salad on brioche good and good for you
Peanut Butter and Jism sandwiches.
and this, just in, a used tampon sandwich,and a nice bottle of apple(piss)juice.
paillaird of road kill w/placenta mayo and for dessert baked pomme de rue
Sprinkle some highly hallucinogenic drug in your sandwich. The guy or girl won’t be there anymore to worry about. Problem solved. Unless you’ve already voiced your discontent all over the work place, who would know you put it there.
Just give them something gross, with an address to the nearest food bank if they’re desperate.