After changing hands it was reasonable to expect a few changes. First it started with higher prices, then the cream cheese on the bagel got a little thinner, the service got progressively worse. Now you are putting green onions in the chive cream cheese! Give me a break. You are the worst. —I’ve got 99 problems and bagels are #1
This article appears in Sep 11-17, 2014.
I don’t like when things are “lemon [fill in the blank]” but don’t taste lemony enough!
MM… Any enlightenment on my need for lemony-lemon [fill in the blank]s?
I have this mental image now of op donning surgical gloves & poking thru the cream cheese to measure the green bits with a calipers to determine if they are chives or the dreaded, low class green onions.
sigh, I suppose it qualifies as a bitch.
I seem to recall reading somewhere that Montrealman throws a pretty good lemon themed party…….
No, wait.
I wrote that myself.
On the wall of the gents, at a certain now defunct Greek restaurant on SGR.
While drunk.
Still true though, probably.
I seem to recall an olive tossing festival that was to take place at that locale…but it seems to be a faint memory of lost rituals from days gone by.
Green olives are the Great Odin’s dingle balls. PIMENTOS! PIMENTOS! I’M DROWNING IN PIMENTOS!!!!GODHAVEMERCYONUSALL!!!!!!!!!!
A-hem. But I digress.
I still have visible scars from the last pelting. Memories. From the corner of my mind…oh, good Lord, I’ve conjured up the plaid aura of Barbara Streisand.
That is all.
LABIA SNACKS AT THE RIVIERA
RSVPS
: Mr. Meaty (09/19, 4:03PM)
Have you ever tried filling in the cracks with lemony-lemon for a quick labia snack? By the way, see my masterful reply to Bad dog Molly on “Give me a break” (#14). Something tells me you’re not going to go for the labia snack.
: Ivan “The Equalizer” Sonofabitch (6:17PM)
Would that have been The Riviera? I remember The Garden View, The Cameo and The Riviera which, as far as I know, was the only Greek restaurant on SGR. Please confirm.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
That should be “Coldplayin’ with my heart,” not “Give me a break.” Sorry.
Long after your time, MM. As far as I know, I still hold the University of King’s College intramural title for most Gag’n’Spew eggrolls consumed at a single sitting. Twelve. Don’t know what possessed me. I must have seen “Cool Hand Luke” somewhere around that time.
I like olives too; just not with lemon.
RSVPS
: Ivan “The Equalizer” Sonofabitch (10:10AM)
Did you write on the wall of the gents at the Greek restaurant on SGR after consuming twelve eggrolls at the Gag’n’Spew? It sounds like a busy night.
: Mr. Meaty (12:22PM)
Who said anything about olives?
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
I heur dat! Why are these coffee shops so stingy with the cream cheese, you actually gotta say “don’t skrimp on the chream cheese or they will put it on so thin you can’t even see it. Then ya gotta eat this dry ass bagel. Admit it, you don’t even bake that shit fresh, you prolly get them from sobeys 2.99 per bag dempsters or some shit. Don’t fucks with a bitches bagels and spread dat shit like on the philalephia cream cheese commercial. I am very passionate about my cheese, although I’m sposed to be a vegan I cannot kick it. Even though it contains cow mucus and pus. Also these coffee shops with their weak ass “french blend” or whatever yuppy coffee ooh la la bullshit – fuckin double the beans in that coffee machine bitch, your coffee tastes like lake water. Deuces!
p.s. Ivan 12 eggrolls is no big deal. I could double dat figure easy, ya featherweight.
Ask for butter AND cream cheese. Deliciousness!
Butter, cream cheese and labia…
Said bagel should be cut in neat quarter moons and wrapped individually. That’s perfectly obvious.
Why, in my day, you either ate your slices of macaroni and cheese loaf or starved. Punching out the cheese is a ritual to be savoured. Squishy Ben’s white bread and layer of Schwartz’s mustard embraced that loaf like a scuzzy gigolo.
Pimento loaf, alas, was reserved for middle class shoppers. It went amazing well with gin and tonic.
EGG ROLLS AT THE GARDEN VIEW
Yes, I can vouch for that. The deep-fried egg rolls at the Garden View were very substantial, to put it mildly. Covered in a thick oozing brownish-yellow plum sauce, with the exception of Ivan’s heroic dozen, they normally only came in pairs, usually with a serving of stodgy pork-fried rice. The thick dough was folded over greyish contents of indeterminate origin, sealed with pinched ends, and dipped in a vat of boiling fat also of indeterminate origin but which at least coloured their initial revoltingly pale sickly appearance. Yum! Yum!
Fortunately, my tastes have improved immeasurably since that time. For example, see my new avatar.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
In my younger days living near central H^f^x, I frequented a famous donair place at Cunard and Robie and had 9 of their best…I couldn’t stop as they were so yummies and nouvelle at the time. Had I had more money, who knows how many more I would have enjoyed.
99cent Wing steaks at the Derby. 6 of those made a nice alternative to Foreskin Meal at Kings.
9 DONAIRS, Klydester? You sir were either very brave or very foolish, but I salute you.
A “Foreskin Meal”? Have you spoken to Mr. Meaty about this?
He strikes me as having been a SMU guy, for some reason >; )
Foreskin Meal, or Formal Meal, to give it it’s proper appellation, is a weekly ritual at Kings where we all dressed up in our best Margolian’s sports jackets, gabardine slacks and ill-knotted ties, donned academic robes for a 3 hours of tedium and slightly less mediocre food than was served the other 6 days of the week. The president , at the time a gangly ego on legs who later acquired a “beard” and entered federal politics, would caper and skylark at the “head” table amongst such faculty,guests and visiting dignitaries as couldn’t evade the ordeal. Pre-dinner sherry in the President’s lodge, Latin benedictions, High Anglican mumbo jumbo – it could impress a freshman but lost it’s appeal rather quickly.
Gin and tonic goes well with anything. At any rate, bagels are highly overrated. They’re only worth their salt if they’re boiled, not baked (grocery store ones are baked, leading to a bready texture) and they have to be toasted on one side, not both. Even premium ones like the Viateur’s that most of the high end coffee shops sell are dropping quality. Best bagel I ever had was in Montreal’s downtown. Made fresh that day, from a small, blink and they’re out of stock bakery. Brought a dozen home with me on that trip.
i make my own bagels, gotta boil them in malt water
the owner is an ass, but siegels in Vancouver on cornwall. boiled then wood oven. they have that shiny outside. and Winnipeg cream cheese. hey paingirl – I made cream cheese from yogurt!!! it was good!
*cackle*
My Albanian friend – the “Tony Montana of Pristina” used to make his own Balkan style yogurt. Best I ever had.
The ole Apple restaurant on Portland Street (right across from the funeral home that’s still there).
Everybody called the little old chinese lady that owned & ran it Mrs apple. She had her home made plum sauce in mason jars, those big ole home made all meat deep fried egg rolls is what we go for after a night boozing down at the landing … 12 of those were what you warmed up on ,some of the guys could do up to 18 to 20 …22 was the most I ever seen eaten without puking. At least for the rest of the stumble home.
I unfortunately cannot claim the record ~:’p.
We didn’t have a pizza corner or dognair place around the Darkside back then.
Whats up with all the old farts in here reminiscin’ about their glory days. Ivan, I try not to do minced feral cats or donair meat, but I could eat you under the table on da pizza minis – dis cast-iron gut is highly accustomed to preservatives. 4 cheese kind, no peperoni = a dozen easy with room for desert! And FUCK yogurt. Dat’s for pussies!
We’re talking real food here, Nofool, not the stuff you cram in your phiz whilst watching Tyler Perry hour on Peachtree. And even though my competitive eating days are well behind me, you couldn’t eat me out on your best day. Not even after a 2 day fast and hydra-shock colon cleanse. So save up your food stamps and dream on, Boo.
RSVP
: Ivan “The Equalizer” Sonofabitch (10:41AM)
Mr. Meaty “a SMU kind of guy”? You must be joking!
King’s, of course, was High Church Anglican and so aping English university customs such as the Formal Meal was to be expected. I recall taking Old English History while at Dalhousie from one Professor Granter – in was in the classroom just to the left of the entrance – who would have been at home at High Table. Veddy English, sallow, rimless spectacles, begowned and with deep resonant voice, he spoke with lip-smacking relish, for some reason, of one “Eric Bloodaxe,” the sort of fellow one wouldn’t want to meet in the quad at night. Actually, my sister was a King’s grad. Small world.
I assume you were sent down.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Sent down? Do you refer to the sin of Sodom? Such dark doings were mooted, but came not nigh me.
Balkan style yogurt- yogurt that sticks an AK in your face and demands your farm.
Ivan: “You couldn’t eat me out on your best day”
Dude, I don’t do ginger minge man-ginas, sowrry.
LOL @ Dr. Fever.
No-fool – what, no affirmative action? Prejudice ‘gainst gingers? Straight up iggerant, Dawg. *shakes head sadly*
Nothing wrong with gingers.
My wife’s a ginger …. in color, but unfortunately not ‘ginger’ in flavour ~;p
“SENT DOWN”
RSVP
: Ivan “The Equalizer” Sonofabitch (09/21, 4:03PM)
Well no, in view of the High Church Anglican character of King’s College from which you claim to have graduated I thought you would realize that ‘sent down” means being expelled or kicked out which, given your disgraceful account of the Formal Meal, I thought would be the next obvious step. However, on second thought, perhaps being “sent down” in your sense might have been a distinct possibility at King’s. A little hanky-panky under the High Table, provided of course that it was covered with a large table cloth. Perhaps Granter wouldn’t have minded having a go at you.
Speaking of having a go, check out my latest avatar. Damned impressive, if you ask me.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Did someone say foreskin meal?
Ah, I see your meaning, Montrealman. You must understand my confusion, for the place was a veritable Babylon of degenerates – most of whom wore clerical garb. Suffice to say, I avoided them like the Inquisition, chiefly by skipping Foreskin Meal. Belshazzar’s feast had been weighed, and found wanting.
Far from being “sent down” as you put it, rather the opposite occurred. I spent my last 2 years in The Angel’s Roost, some 5 floors above the classroom where the venerable Dr. Grunter introduced you to his “bloody pikestaff” or “chapped longshanks” or whatever High Anglican euphemism he gave it. The circular window of the lavatory overlooked the quad and made a most superb sniper’s position, and despite the fact that my M-16 was only a toy, that is precisely the use to which I put it.
^^^LOLOLOL^^^
WITH DR GRUNTER IN THE LAVATORY WITH THE CIRCULAR WINDOW
After your last two years in The Angel’s Roost did they give you some sort of certificate, perhaps one for (very) good behaviour? In other words, besides playing with your “toy gun” – a suggestive phrase that – in the lavatory with the circular window, what were you doing? Were you alone? Was Dr. Grunter there with you? What was he doing? Write back soon with all the details.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!