Dick spray painter

Firstly, I want to clarify that this observatory report contains no sarcasm despite what some morally delusional readers may conspire to think. Recently, on a crisp winter morning, I left my domicile ready for the wretched nightmare of Soviet hell that unfolds upon me relentlessly, regardless of the season, only to have the entire world flip inside itself and turn into something strangely worth while. I didn’t laugh, although I may have smiled as I continued down Edward St. towards University Avenue. I saw more of the triumph and glory, good conquering not good, suddenly I understood the significance of my recent Astrological transformation. Giant purple dicks were painted all around the law library and campus in general. Such a classic move; no signature, no known motive, no failed attempt at a statement or lame pretensions of artistry. Just big stupid dicks all over the building where everybody had to see and recognize them. To me it felt like a victory for all the victims of paradise, lost in the land of cocksuckers. So, I’d like to impersonally thank you—whoever you are, wherever you are—because you made my day and anyone who knows me hates me, so they know how hard that can be. This whole city continues to shit directly in my eye at every turn, and now all I have to do is look out my window on some dark day and see that dick painted on the law library to know that there is some justice in this world, just never enough. —Concerned Citizen

This article appears in Feb 10-16, 2011.