I’m usually a fairly tender individual—calm, reposed, loving, trying to take care of fellow humans—but shit goddamn I’ve got some rage lately that I don’t know how to handle. Fuck Harper. Sideways. Fuck him sideways into next Tuesday. Fuck Bill C-51. Fuck assholes using vehicles as extensions of their egos coming so close to running over my toes and then flipping me off. Fuck this all-consuming, money-driven, humanity-less culture full of it’s disgusting creature comforts. Fuck the depraved landlords who prey on students and impoverished citizens. Fuck this world that seems to care more about numbers and data rather than life and love and feeling. Fuck me for having all this pain and rage and repressed disaster. Thank you for listening whether you agree, disagree, care or don’t care. Thank you for being, you beings who try—who try to get by and get along and take it lightly and move on. —I Am Still Just A Rat In A Cage
This article appears in Mar 19-25, 2015.
You forgot censors and repessors.
Bitch Alumni News Spring 2015
Recent “Graduates”
Hing Frogg and his assistant, Mr. Meaty, are putting together a Gentlemen of Bitch calendar. They are inviting all of the lads to submit a glossy 8×10 of themselves in any state of undress. They regret that they will not be able to return any of the photos because the photos will likely all be stuck together by the end of the “review process”.
Molly will be compiling the Ladies of Bitch calendar. Once again, the photos cannot be returned.
Pain Girl has launched a crowd funding initiative to have her self-professed naturally curly hair straightened. It is estimated that the quantity of product required will cost approximately $1.2 million dollars. All contributions, big and small, would be appreciated.
Ivan Sonofabitch (aka Chuck Yeager) is working on two writing projects. The first is an ambitious cookbook tentatively entitled 1000 Great Kale Recipes. So far he has only received one recipe – Kale Smoothie with Acai Berries. If anyone has a great kale recipe he would love to hear about it since he needs 999 more.
His other project is to compile a much slimmer volume tentatively entitled The Worlds Funniest Feminists. So, if you know a feminist who is a real wise cracking, life-of-the party type he would love to hear about her.
Thanks for reading Bitch Alumni News!
OB, A Spliff and some Pink Floyd..
THAT SHINING CITY ON THE HILL
“Fuck this all-consuming, money-driven humanity-less culture full of it’s (sic) disgusting creature comforts.” I am Still Just A Rat In A Cage
Humanity can be roughly divided, well perhaps not equally, into those who celebrate precisely that money-driven humanity-less culture full of its disgusting creature comforts and those who rebel against its empty, dehumanizing materialism. They see humanity not in material but in moral terms. While mistakenly dismissed by the materialists as gloomy “Jeremiahs,” they seek to build a “New Jerusalem,” that shining city on the hill, where humanity will return to and be inspired by its moral mission.
But perhaps my portrait of humanity being divided into materialists and moralists was too-roughly drawn for there is a Jeremiah in each one of us. It’s just that the degree of its intensity varies from one individual to another. But the fact that it has existed throughout history to the present day is cause for hope. In spite current evidence to the contrary, humanity can still claim that, in a general, non-doctrinal sense, it is still fundamentally spiritual.
A pleasure as always,
Cheerio!
Braised Kale Fritatta
http://www.health.com/health/mrecipe0,,50400000125998,00.html
Talk about a bitch omnibus.
that said…. you’re not wrong.
OB, good post. The key to coping with the lunacy is in your final line – “try to get by and get along and take it lightly and move on.” That’s all we can ask of ourselves. That’s why a forum like this is so useful. We can spit out that bad taste in our mouth, have a bit of a chuckle, and move on.
OB, I couldn’t agree more. Sometimes it feels like this planet and everyone on it are doomed and there ain’t a gull dang thing that can be done about it aside from sitting back and watching the spectacle.
Also, Egghead, it takes a level of courage, unknown to most, to find the brass will which is required to rip on commenters who can’t reply. For that awesome display of bravery I tip my fedora in your direction.
^^^ Slàinte mhath.
BTW, my Alumni News bit above was meant as a satirical salute to our former colleagues. All those named struck me as having a great self-deprecating sense of humour and as being able to take a mild ribbing. I hope my bit came across that way.
Now, back to work Egghead or you’re fired!
Ah, sorry for the mix-up Egghead – would have been really douchey to attack people who can’t reply, as I’m sure you would agree. But I misinterpreted, my bad!
^^^ No worries, H0!$T. In fact, another commenter joined in on the little larf this morning and added a satirical quip of his own. It was an Ivan-esque remark taking the mickey out of a certain group of people – but it was quickly deleted so I’m sure you didn’t get to see it.
THAT SHINING CITY ON THE HILL (II)
“In spite of current evidence to the contrary, humanity can still claim that in a general, non-doctrinal sense, it is still fundamentally spiritual.” (Montrealman, 03/26, 8:49AM)
“A Domino Factum Est Istud et Est Mirabile In Occulis Nostris.” Mary Tudor
While it is true that man is fundamentally a moral being, seeking to build a New Jerusalem, that shining city on the hill, that moral urge, particularly when linked to religious doctrine, can be an explosive mixture. In other words, without rational restraint, that shining city can for some be a hell on earth.
So we see the shining city of the Catholic Queen Mary Tudor burning the English Protestant heretics at the stake while proclaiming, “This is the Lord’s Doing and it is Marvellous in our Eyes.” We see the shining city of Maximilian Robespierre, the architect of the Terror during the French Revolution in which thousands were sent to the guillotine before he himself was strapped to a board to suffer the same fate. We see Hitler’s shining city in the form of his Thousand Year Reich before the walls came tumbling down. We see Stalin’s shining city in the slaughter and starvation of innocent millions. More recently, we see the shining city of ISIS which aspires, after the beheadings and devastation, to create a new Islamic caliphate under sharia law in the Middle East and beyond. Indeed, we see a shining city to the south in the words of the American “Battle Hymn of the Republic.”
“O mine eyes have seen the Glory,
And the Coming of the Lord.
He is Trampling out the Vintage,
Where the Grapes of Wrath are Stored.
He has Loosed the Awful Lightening,
Of His Terrible Swift Sword,
His Truth is Marching On.”
So, watch out for those “shining cities.”
A pleasure as always,
Cheerio!
Well Eggy, as you know (or not), I am great friends with Mr Meaty and Hing Frogg…
We all sat back and had a good laugh, wondering how did that sonovabitch know of our calendar plans?!
At any rate, the submissions keep pouring in… thanks to Ivan, we had to increase the size of the calendar so as to fit his whole picture (if ya’ get my drift…).
And as a one-time offer, anyone who likes this comment will receive a copy of the calendar autographed by all the models. I will personally deliver it to your home!
Please, no requesting miracles as coming back to life as many times as I have had to this past few months is exhausting!
“thanks to Ivan, we had to increase the size of the calendar so as to fit his whole picture (if ya’ get my drift…).”
Yes. I heard a rumour that, much like Pinoccio’s nose, a certain part of Ivan’s cis-male anatomy grew every time he took on No Fool in a battle of wits. Seeing how frequently those battles took place, I can understand why a large format calendar would be needed to accommodate a full image.