Yuck

The race to “shock” the older generations is as old as the family unit itself and each wave of young ‘uns always thinks they’re the first to REALLY express their “individuality” through their piercings, tattoos and dress.

Usually though, when one starts to mature, one realizes that “individuality” comes from our deeds and actions not the bone through your nose.
Unfortunately for some, this comes too late, after they have already tried TOO hard to “shock” and/or to assert their distinctiveness, and they’ve covered their bodies with irreversible tattoos, forgetting that, yeah, one day they too will grow up… (grandma, what does FTW mean?)

It was all fun and games for many years when it was just all about tattoos and piercings…but the next generation, “Generation Y” were angry that “it’s all been there, done that…” They saw their older siblings already removing piercings, covering the tattoos…after all, once you’ve covered your whole body what’s left?

Well, the next thing was ‘scarring’…where patterns are burned permanently into the flesh. I have to admit, this one did cause me to take a second take, at first. OK, score one, Generation Y . I got my scars the boring old fashioned way, how average.

Next came those rubbery medical implants. The first one I saw were a set of bony “ribs” on this guy’s forehead. I actually thought it was make up for a Star Trek convention at first; dude looked like a Romulan.
Now, getting implants in your head is one thing if it’s for the Trek, but to get little ‘horns” sewn in because you read Anton LeVey in high school is just silly.

This one didn’t turn my stomach quite as much because I figured, well, at least it’s reversible.

Sadly, it turns out that our bodies, eager to fix the mistakes and foibles of nature, tend to slowly and quietly graft our bones to these things and it turns out that in 30-40 years there’s gonna be some odd looking folk greeting us at the Wal-mart; “Shop long and prosper”…

The next big thing was discovered inadvertently and some furious back-pedalling had to be done when the first “muliple” tounge peircings went gangrenous and resulted in “split tongue”. That’s right, “split tongue”. Suddenly those crazy kids were doing this on purpose, after the first few people looked around sheepishly like a dog taking a crap, and said “yeah, yeah, we MEANT for this to happen!”. OK, the split toungue thing. You got me on this one.

But even that wore off after a while, ho-hum. (although cocky 30 year-olds with split tongues will be the gift that keeps on giving for years to come, methinks…”Ooo wan fwies wid dat?”)

So where does today’s youth turn to find an “original’ way to shock mom and dad, rise above the huddled masses and deviate from the norm? Tattoos are definetly out (unless full-facial)… Piercings? C’mon, your mom’s got both nipples and her clit done, and your dad played bass in an LA band, before getting his MBA. Now what? Those scarifications are just a bit too National Geographic aren’t they? And now you mention it, head implants DO look stupid, and interfere with your hattage.

Hmm.

What does Generation Wii need to do to assert that they are finally the FIRST group of young folks to really “get it”; the first group of teens and twenty-somethings to REALLY REALLY promise to never sell out and trade their ideologies for a second car and that big comfy house on the lake?

Well, I have a solution. Here it is:

Amputation!

That’s right, how cool is THAT, my wee Wii’ers?! Anyone can (and does) have tats and scars and shit (I saw a judge on TV with a lip ring for Christ’s sake!)

But, now, if you want to REALLY stand out from your peers, chop something the fuck off!
Think about it. Your little buds meet you at the Global Warming/G8/G20/Olympics/Hepatitis C demonstration, showing off his forked penis and the Ghandi tat on his nut-sack…and YOU show him the still-bloody stitched-up stump where your tongue used to be! Or wave the newly emptied sleeve in his face…IN YOUR FACE, Kyle…how cool is THAT, Gavin!?

It’s the next big things kids, nothing shows how cool and tuned-in you are than being “of the nine toes…”