I’m the second person in a DINK marriage. We can’t have kids. He is infertile…completely. It’s not a choice that we can’t have kids. It’s a choice that we aren’t going to have kids. It’s not something we planned. When we were dating, we would talk for hours about our future kids. These fictional kids had names, hobbies, played sports and had dreams. My dream kids called me Mom. They ran to me when hurt or needed a hug. They said “Goodnight Mommy, I love you” after I read them a story or sang them a song at bedtime. I think I would have made a wonderful parent. My husband would have been a terrific father. But, after finding out we can’t just cook a kid for 9 months, we opted to not have kids.
Why?
Because my husband would always be the one person in the relationship that is not genetically related to the kid. Do I want to do that to my husband? No. Because adoption is invasive, intrusive and isn’t as easy as everyone thinks it is. You want to adopt an infant…either wait 7-10 years or hand over tens of thousand of dollars…and we will be made to feel like we are doing something wrong or hiding something from all the questions we are asked. (I don’t disagree with this process…simply commenting on it from my perspective.)
Why am I writing this? Because I want to. And, I want to write a few things that you shouldn’t say to DINKS.
-You’re not having kids? I guess you’ll save a lot of money.
-Why don’t you just adopt? (this one stings)
-You wouldn’t understand unless you had kids.
-You can always have Fur-babies. (they’re animals, not kids!)
-Wow, you couldn’t get pregnant? I got pregnant the same month I went off the pill.
-Your husband is infertile? Why don’t you just sleep with someone else to get pregnant? (where do I start with this one?)
These were all said to me. And, I realize that someone will have a different experience than me, but really, this is my experience and it hurts. —Sad right now
This article appears in Oct 17-23, 2013.
You stated it is a choice to not have kids ….. ummmm, no it isn’t. If your husband could fire off a live one then you would welcome the seedling and cook it until ripe. But he can’t so you live with it but apparently it is always on your mind. When this relationship dissolves (and it will) you will meet someone and have their babies …. true story!
You can hear your resentment for your husband at the start. Then your own insecurities. Just because your husband wouldn’t be blood related to your possible child doesn’t mean he would be left out, unless that’s your way of thinking. Love, nurture, support, trust, honesty, there’s lots of things a child needs but blood relative isn’t always one of them. I think you’re making the right decision about not trying other methods because children don’t come in picture perfect boxes like the one you’ve always wanted.
There’s only one response required in this situation.
“Nunya got-dang bidness!”
And it should be directed at those posing the questions; not anonymous readers of a website.
You’re welcome.
People are assholes.
THE PROCREATIVE IMPERATIVE
“And, I realize that someone will have a different experience than me, but really, this is my experience, and it hurts.” Sad right now
Well, if it hurts enough right now you must make a decision which may, or may not, hurt even more. But what is the underlying issue here? What’s really going on? What’s really going on here is what I have called “the procreative imperative” in action, the claim which maintains – or more strongly asserts – that having children is the purpose of life, that it is “what it’s all about.” But is this true? I would argue not.
The issue, of course, as with so much else, is ultimately philosophical in nature. It reduces to the question of human fulfillment. So, how are human fulfilled? Having children, particularly for the female whose body is designed for the purpose, may well have greater importance in her scheme of things. Not only is her body purpose-designed but psychologically she is the nurturer, the care-giver and, for most females then, motherhood appears to be “what it’s all about.” But is the same true for males? I would argue not.
Why does the male want to have children? Economically it is no longer necessary to have additional hands bringing in the harvest. Indeed, having children is now an economic liability. There is, of course, the uxorious male, similar to the one in the bitch who coos over the newborn. But are most males naturally uxorious? I would argue not. So the only remaining reason a male might want to have children is egocentric, the desire to reproduce himself in all his glory. But does this sound like a legitimate reason? I would argue not.
For the male, then, it is not so much having children which constitutes his fulfillment but rather creative activity. Of course many – perhaps most – are not creative and find themselves at loose ends. Frequently, as a result of lusting after the female body, they find themselves, helter-skelter, as fathers. On the other hand there are those who pursue matters of a more elevated nature – philosophy comes immediately to mind – which provide the real fulfillment for the creative male.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Your marriage doesn’t stand a chance if you don’t get your head around this shit. You must either accept your circumstances or move on and have a sprog with someone else with no guarantees.
As you get older, you will only become more bitter about this issue and your poor hubbers will be taking the brunt of that. No matter what you may say, I’ll bet you’re looking at him right now and thinking: ‘It’s all YOUR fault’. I feel badly for the guy.
Kids are not a recipe for happiness. Some of the happiest people I know are childless. As for adopted kids, I’ve only seen heartache and pain for the loving people who took on these little toxic cocktails, thanks to their negligent, drug-infested, drunken birth parents.
I don’t give a shit if a couple or a single has kids or not. Why? Because it’s none of my fucking business.
Sheesh, you should’ve had him checked before getting hitched, then if his swimmers couldn’t swim you could’ve decided on the options listed.
“You want to adopt an infant…either wait 7-10 years or hand over tens of thousand of dollars”
Because the ones you squat out are such a bargain.
Get a good divorce lawyer that can capitalize your anger on your behalf.
Either that or stop lying to yourself.
Lots of people don’t want kids. But you.. op haha.. you’re all over the place. You were so into the idea you had the next 20 years of their lives planned.
Now you don’t WANT to? No no.. not that you CAN’T, you suddenly magically don’t WANT to?
Did it occur to you that your constant talk about your dream kids has lead others in your life to believe you really did want them and now that you can’t have them, they’re trying to give you alternatives to make your happiness a reality for you again? In other words, trying to be decent friends?
Talk a lot and people will answer. I’m just saying op.
“Get a good divorce lawyer that can capitalize your anger on your behalf.”
Jesus fuck!! OB’s husband can be ever thankful he wasn’t involved with your greedy ass!!!! Because he can’t produce sperm, he should pay through the ass? What a stupid fucking bitch thing to say!!!!
Yep, OP, has one big old bucketful of raging hostility there.
Like yourself, SHITD, my sympathies are with the husband. And just wait until this babe hits menopause, then the real fur will fly – she’ll really be throwing her childless state at him like a rotting chicken carcass.
OP would do her spouse a tremendous favour by walking away from this marriage and taking her broody bullshit with her. Then she can entice some sperm donor to share her dreams rainbow unicorns, Care Bears and babies.
The grass is not always greener.
Dump him and find a man wit balls dat work and get dem chilliens.
You left one out OP! “You’re doing an already over-populated world a favour.” Consider your situation eco-friendly. You need to take a positive spin on this OP or your marriage is doomed. Is it just me or does anyone else feel not the slightest bit sorry for this poster?
Wow…I didn’t think my moment would produce so many opinions; however, I appreciate all opinions, negative and positive.
Koda I don’t believe marriage is a five second decision. Marriage is for life. If you don’t believe this, I feel sad for your choices. I married my husband because I loved him. I still do. Because he can’t produce children doesn’t mean that it changes, he’s still the same person. I believe that the way you feel for the person you chose to spend your life with is very important. Pity if you don’t feel the same. I have a full life and feel very fortunate.
Real chick, children don’t come in perfect boxes. Neither do husbands or wives. Life changes and to be stronger we learn to deal with it. Love, nurture, support, trust and honesty pertain to the living and the unborn.
Ivan sonovabithch, I love your take on it. You sound strong. I wish to be able to channel some of that.
Cranky, true.
Montrealman, I would like to debate/talk/share opinions with you.
T.t.fonebone…kids are indeed not a recipe for happiness. There is a book titled something,like ” I can hardly take care of myself….” Most parents I know aren’t happy and children add to the complexity of that equation
No_fool, I pitty the fool. If you are that shallow, I am sorry for the people in your life.
Reg lecrisp, interesting spin regarding Eco, blah blah blah. I drive a hybrid, buy organic, pay for carbon credits and have planted over 12,000 trees in my lifetime. . I’m sure some people feel no sadness towards,my situation; however, receiving condolences wasn’t my intent. I had a sad moment and decided to post.
Not strong, just an internet wiseass who shouldn’t even be expressing an opinion on parenting since in 20 years of marriage, SOBova and I have managed to raise 2 highly disfunctional cats. >; )
Best wishes for you and your S.O. Having someone in your life to cherish makes the what-might-have-been moments a lot easier to bear.
“And, I want to write a few things that you shouldn’t say to DINKS.” – You mean, a few things people shouldn’t say to you?
Not everyone has such thin skin, OB. The Captain is in your situation (a DINK, that is), and none of these things are inappropriate to say. You just answer the questions honestly, or say that you honestly don’t want to answer the questions. Simple. No need to get your panties in a twist.
Listen, y’all, infertility frigging HURTS. It sucks, and it hurts. We have two progeny, several years apart in age because after one baby my body magically decided I could have as much sex as I wanted with my husband but I was just not going to get pregnant. Finally after several years of unprotected shenanigans, we got pregnant with Thing 2.
OB, I feel you, I really do. People can be so insensitive with their “when are you having another baby” and “you CAN’T have just one” crap. I really do wish you well and highly recommend couples therapy. It kept us together when things got tough.
Oh my… what a silly world The Captain lives in – where people can become soo insulted from being asked simple questions.
Harper, it was sarcasm ya big dolt. As in “Since you obviously blame him for what will inevitably go wrong…” and then followed it up with “Either that or stop lying to yourself.”
Come come.. I expected more from you than that.
I baked a cake for OP:
http://thrillmere.com/wp-content/uploads/2…
harper must have been having a prime minister moment.
I have never understood the ‘biological imperative’ to procreate. and I wish it would just go away.
Selfish! I suspect it’s because YOU want to have a child and are pissed off because you can’t and therefore are denying yourself – and your partner.
It’s probably insensitive to suggest getting a few close friends & your hubby to jerk off into a cocktail glass & then get your hubby to inseminate you with a turkey baster .
You gotta admit he’d definately be fully involved , even if all his little swimmers are just treading water/fluid
I sympathize with OP 100%. whether you can’t or chose not to have kids is no one’s damn business. Imagine asking someone why they DO have kids. Imagine the looks you’d get. It’s no more appropriate to ask why they don’t.
This girl I used to work with was trying to get pregnant and had the same problem and holy fuck I got sick of hearing about it pretty quick, how he couldn’t impregnate her and how how much money she was going to spend on IVF treatments n blah blah blah. If I were her husband I wouldn’t have appreciated it.
Good Morning! How is everyone this morning???
Shit… sorry! I forgot asking questions gets you guys all upset. It’s really none of The Captains business how any of you are doing… I’ll go mind my own affairs and never inquire about your personal issues again because that’s just rude.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_08VMX2xp_k
Just a thought. (:
Well, I’m not offended, Keptin. All things being equal I’d rather be at home drinking booze-laced Keurig coffee and writing pornographic parodies of 80’s pop tunes because the company I work for is clearly being run by a bunch of rhesus monkeys who escaped from a bath-salts lab. There’s a large set of sheet metal handcuffs on the grounds of the Gulag this morning which is not subtle in the least. True story.
Is the Captain seriously trying to compare “how are you doing” with “so why aren’t you pregnant yet?”
In our culture/society there are certain things that we have deemed impolite to ask others about. Sure, people are too sensitive these days, but this sort of question has been taboo for a long time in our culture, even before our ultra PC era. Some things are personal and well mannered people are supposed to have the tact to know the difference.
Mind your own business, what’s so bad about that?
“…but this sort of question has been taboo for a long time in our culture” – Well, if that was actually true people wouldn’t ask those questions… right?
Those types of questions aren’t ‘taboo’ at all, in fact they’ve been the social standard – along with things like “Nice day today, eh?” – for as long as I can remember. Just because a few people get upset because they’re asked questions they feel uncomfortable being asked (which is silly – it makes more sense to get upset because you’re forced to give an embarrassing / inappropriate answer, not because someone asked you an embarrassing / inappropriate question) doesn’t mean anything is taboo.
If that’s your logic – it’s taboo for people to get upset over trivial matters like this, because it’s been our culture for for a long time now to produce sane, intelligent, and emotionally balanced individuals…
Like I said… “You just answer the questions honestly, or say that you honestly don’t want to answer the question.” – No need to get emotions involved.
If people start badgering you for an answer that’s a different issue – one of inappropriate behavior, not of inappropriate questions.
No, Molly, not right. Just because some people, it seems more and more every day, have no manners and don’t know how to make conversation without asking inappropriate personal questions, doesn’t mean that it isn’t a faux pas. People commit these faux pas and and do “taboo” things every day, doesn’t mean these things aren’t still taboo. People do all kinds of things that are socially frowned upon every day, doesn’t make it any more acceptable.
Just think before you open your mouth. There’s making conversation and there’s being nosy. People ask these questions for no other reason than to flap their gums so they don’t have to suffer a few moments of awkward silence, to “make conversation” as we like to caal it. they should try should ask themselves if it is worth the risk of offending someone they consider a friend before they ask a stupid question for no reason. It’s rude
“People do all kinds of things that are socially frowned upon every day…” – Then why get so out of tune because of a daily occurrence? Wouldn’t it be better to just not get upset over something so trivial? That’s like people who get upset because it’s raining.
And speaking of being rude… Isn’t referring to people as awkward, nosy, or stupid… kinda rude?
“Just because some people… have no manners and don’t know how to make conversation without asking inappropriate personal questions, doesn’t mean that it isn’t a faux pas” – Well, yes it does, actually. You can’t blame someone for something you deem ‘inappropriate’ just because they haven’t been brought up to speed on the social etiquette that’s exercised within your personal social circles (because your social norms are different than those of everyone else). Everyone has their own set of ‘manners’ and thinking that there’s a strict, overlying list of things you do and don’t talk to people about is silly.
How would you even establish what is and isn’t appropriate for conversation? How would everyone agree on this list of things? How would you get everyone educated on what is and isn’t conversation appropriate? You might think being asked about children is the most annoying experience, while many others may become very enthusiastic about being asked – and in fact may look forward to being asked. Many people might think talking about sex in a casual conversation is inappropriate, I certainly don’t and will discuss the topic with anyone – conversely, I never talk gender equality in personal conversations with family because it causes distress between individuals and I might feel it’s taboo in that specific scenario, others may disagree and think it’s the MOST appropriate time for discussion.
Instead of expecting people (strangers) to pander to your delicate social palette, how about building resilience and understanding in order to deal with “nosy”, “awkward” or “stupid” people? – Makes a lot more sense, right?
The Captain doesn’t get upset when someone asks him a question – any question – If it’s a ‘stupid’ question, that’s only an opportunity to educate someone on something that they may (innocently enough) be ignorant to.
tj, did you intend that answer for someone else?
can’t for the life of me think what I said that would have you thinking that I am in agreement with intrusive questions, why would I live the hermit life if not because I loathe most face to face human contact?
anyhoo, a solution I have always liked came from ann or abby landers. when someone asks a question you consider personally intrusive. just respond ‘why would you ask a question like that?’ and work up a good spock-brow.
and I think each person has the right to decide what questions they find personally intrusive. if someone considers ‘how are you doing?’ personally intrusive so what? why the blazes should someone be told to ‘open up’ because someone else feels they have the right to peck away at anything and everything? you asks your questions and you gets replies. may not be to your liking but tough cookies.
of course I lean more to the ‘ask me no questions and i’ll not beat your brains in’ POV, but that doesn’t mean I believe the questioner should not be allowed to ask away. it’s their thing. nosy, snooping, prying, little hyenas.
that has nothing to do with my views on our catastrophic and insanely selfish species reproduction.
Obviously it’s a matter of opinion and the captain is right that everyone is different, but there are some general social rules that people are generally “supposed” to know by the time they reach adulthood. Every culture has these things. I just personally think that if you’re just talking for the sake of talking, making small talk so to speak, don’t reach. Sure you don’t KNOW if something you say is going to upset someone but certain things (politics, religion, sex are the biggest examples) HAVE GREATER POTENTIAL to offend or upset someone.
I’m NOT saying we shouldn’t be able to discuss whatever we want, discussing controversial topics is the only way to progress on said issues IMO, but there’s a time and a place, IMO, to talk about certain things and that place is not the workplace or parties or social gatherings. If I want to have a conversation about something as personal as that with one of my friends, I’m gonna do it in private and respectfully, not just toss it out there like we’re talking about the football game or the weather.
You’ve met me, you know I’m not the type to walk around on eggshells, I’m fairly loud and outspoken and am not afraid to rock the boat and say things that might offend people. I just think some questions shouldn’t be asked in “polite company” so to speak. Some of the questions OP mentioned (“why don’t you just sleep with someone else?” in particular stood out to me) are just beyond rude and invasive, again, in my opinion. My dad is one of these people with no filter and it’s super embarrassing sometimes.
That’s the bigger issue but the baby stuff in particular is a pet peeve of mine, admittedly. I wish people would just butt out of other people’s reproductive affairs, it’s very personal and usually complicated, and again it’s not like people really care anyways, they’re just yacking for the sake of yacking, saying whatever comes into their head. Yeah. Pet peeve.
“i’m fairly loud” u so funny^^
I hate to say it, Captain, but your attitude on this topic is really disappointing.
I don’t believe the lack of progeny is a topic you bring up like last night’s sports scores. I wouldn’t bring it up myself because it is a sensitive topic as OP will attest. Some people have no trouble talking about sexual matters and are not offended by the discussions even about them personally, some not so much.
Captain, it would be great if we could talk about sperm counts the way we do the weather but we’re not there.. yet.
I also liked Crock’s “Raising Arizona” angle. Find a couple with quintuplets and swipe one.
One final point. Easy on the hyenas Molly. The walls have ears.
first of all, taboo… is a weird and horribly operated bar downtown, nothing to be proud of…
ahem, “and I think each person has the right to decide what questions they find personally intrusive.” – accurate but a true tautology.
“If I want to have a conversation about something as personal as that with one of my friends, I’m gonna do it in private and respectfully, not just toss it out there like we’re talking about the football game or the weather.”
-and not the fucking bus… thanx 😕
on a lighter, more confrontational note, anyone else see the amazingness that is ‘Gravity’?
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2162/225947…‘
I should also mention I listened to a realtor pitching highfield park and pinecrest all the fucking way home today… So I followed my mantra
http://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-ca…
At least YOUR bus didn’t smell like rotten ass. ^^
And you didn’t have to listen to the SAME. FUCKING. BABY. Wailing alllll the way. Both ways. (Every. Fucking. Day.)
I’ll take Pinecrest pitching any day over that shizz.
I have been averting my eyes from your recent picture reg. ever since I watched a nature program (Eternal Enemies part 2) on the war between a pride of lions and a pack of hyenas I have hated those creatures. being as coldly vicious as only mothers can be, the hyena matriarch dragged a cub from a paralyzed lioness’ paws and ate him. illogical to keep that hatred, animals eat the young of other animals. I eat eggs. but there ya are.
Okay, well that’s slightly unfortunate, but at least we’re (more or less) agreeing on some points.
If you’re a hermit and don’t like humans… use Molly’s technique and give them the ol’ spock brow – They’ll get the point, I personally use it all the time but without the cutting remark (I think my glare has enough stand alone power that it needs no added words).
“I just personally think that if you’re just talking for the sake of talking, making small talk so to speak, don’t reach.” – Okay, I agree with that, but that’s not inappropriate questioning tho, that just obnoxious behavior and I believe your annoyance comes from that persons behavior, not the content of their questions. (just my opinion)
“I just think some questions shouldn’t be asked in “polite company” so to speak. ” – That’s good. I’m sure you don’t ask people those questions in public, and they probably appreciate that. But there’s people who have very different definitions of what is ‘polite company’ and they’ve got a completely different list of questions that should not be asked – especially if they’re from a radically different culture/religion – Or even if they’re from the same province or city (I know we’d probably come up with near incomparable lists of inappropriate questions). – This being the case, the more understandable approach would be to gain more resilience against what you deem inappropriate.
I’m going to stand by my points, tho… It’s not the content of the questions that people are asking that is the issue here. It’s people behavior when approaching/questioning/interrogating other people, and how people are responding to questions and how they’re responding to being questioned.
Don’t want to answer a questions? Then don’t – Just don’t expect to not be questioned.
“I hate to say it, Captain, but your attitude on this topic is really disappointing.” – That’s fine – I find people who become distraught because of innocent questioning “really disappointing”
Hyenas are no laughing matter on the African plains but you have to give them their due. Imagine having to get your supper by snatching it from a pride of lions. In some prides, the sole duty of the lion patriarch is to kill hyenas. No, not a lot of love lost between the two species.
Back to the topic at hand. I do agree with the Captain and one has the right to ask whatever they want, “What were you in prison for?” or “How many times do you and the Mrs manage it each month?” but expect some flack unless there’s some kind of introductory conversation to ease in to the pertinent question. Some questions seem innocent but can put the recipient on the defensive.