I have a friend who often has relationship problems. Being her friend, i hear about it all, and it’s always the same story: Her boyfriend is too clingy/needy, and anytime she tries to do anything on her own, or with a friend, he goes apeshit and starts a really bad fight. She isn’t even allowed talking on the phone under his watch.) So i’m asked for my opinions and advice a lot, and each time i try and give those in all honesty and sincerity, she gets quite defensive, and comes right to his rescue. Of course i think he’s an immature crybaby. I don’t use those exact words, but i certainly do not hold back when asked about what i think. It’s a little frustrating because i’d rather not be asked for my thoughts only to have my them disregarded. I’d love to tell her what i really think of him and thier unhealthy relationship, but i’m starting to wonder why i even bother. How i ever got involved in the shittiness of thier relationship is beyond me, i’m just glad i don’t have to put up with that possesive bullshit like she does.
This article appears in Mar 27 – Apr 2, 2008.
Your friend seems to have low self-esteem, but not just because she is with a guy that treats her like shit; From what I am reading, it seems like when she turns to you for advice, she is also looking to you for validation; She sees this guy (falsely) as an extension of herself. That is how much she “loves” him, and when you give your honest opinion of him, you are not just putting him down, In her eyes, you are insulting her and her ability to make life choices.It sucks, I know, because I have been in your position many times. Her priorities are fucked up because, in a way, she values being with a dirtbag over your friendship. Hell, she even values being with him over her own well being.Also, I put “loves” in quotation marks, because while I am sure she would classify what they have as “love”, a rational person realizes that there is no love without respect.
Your friend’s boyfriend isn’t simply an ‘immature crybaby’ he’s being abusive and she should leave him immediately. That might be difficult to convey… but leave some literature as to what a healthy relationship entails and perhaps she’ll figure it out. If not, pack her bags for her!
This situation is far too common. A friend, by a sick twist of fate, met a guy who basically moved in with her the next day. By day 3 she was coming for advice nearly in tears. By the end of it I was no longer being nice and simply telling her to dump him, making her irate. Talking to people like that makes me feel like one of those dopey flies in the winter trying to escape through a window pane. She flipped and told me I was ‘the worst friend ever’. Perhaps I’m selfish, but friendships are similar to relationships and that was enough. We stopped talking and a week or two after she started e-mailing saying how she dumped him ‘for real this time’ and that she wanted to be friends again. Her problem is likely due to low self-esteem, but where’s the line between being a good friend and a kind ear and simply being as big a sucker as your friend? It worries me this isn’t just a ‘youth’ problem. You would think once you’re past 25 years old you would be wise enough to see these things, especially if you’ve been in serious relationships that unfolded in the exact same way the present one is. Has anyone else noticed these are usually the people who dump their friends as soon as they find their next soulmate? I don’t want to be your friend when you’re single, you’re therapist when you’re not.
Yes unfortunately this is very common. Some people of both sexes keep on choosing controlling, abusive partners. It says as much about them as about the people they choose – they need help. If they find the right support and learn to respect themselves they won’t need to do this to themselves anymore. But it’s hard to help them because they don’t want or accept help – maybe they think they don’t deserve it.