Why didn’t you just read the new Coast?

To the numbskull who stole my book off the ferry last Thursday:

First of all, I wasn’t finished and had no intentions of giving it to you once I was, especially since I don’t know you beyond your name, Mr. Poopy Pants. You couldn’t have even read the title you snatched it so quickly! The Alphabet vs. The Goddess—is that really what your slippery fingers were looking for? Have you gotten to the part about moronic jerks ruining the world for the rest of us? Notably, moments before I put it down something struck me to briefly revel in the surrounding friendly vibe of typical ferry folk… tsk be to you.

I will acknowledge the semi-inconspicuos-ity of my secret hiding spot but, as difficult as it may be for you to comprehend, the secret was in people refraining from being opportunistic assholes, not in how invisible it made things. Even though you took from me I will give you some advice: If it’s your voracity for reading that needs to be fed, there exists this extraordinary institution called the LIBRARY where they very kindly loan out books to most everybody whether or not they deserve it, so you might be in luck.

If it was the worthless, wanton urge to steal ‘just because’ that overtook you, then next time frig off some place like Walmart where they won’t notice. Finally, if it was for the thrill of carelessly disrupting the lives of others; find some other purpose you pathetic fool. —Hopeful for Personal Property Thief Reform

This article appears in Mar 4-10, 2010.