Why do women stay with emotionally and verbally abusive boyfriends? Who told these women that physical violence is the only deal breaker? How can they listen to their boyfriends berate, threaten, and insult them and think they are in a “romantic” relationship? I’ve had to call the cops twice this year on a man for screaming threats and punching the wall to intimidate a woman.
Almost worse than how the man acts is a woman’s meek response in attempt to cool him down and inform him he “isn’t being nice.”
It seems like all a man has to do is “sincerely” apologize and say something sweet once to cancel out 10 angry or insulting outbursts.
Why? Why? Why? —Tired of women committing to douches
This article appears in Dec 2-8, 2010.
For the same reason men stay with emotionally and physically abusive women.
Women with low self-esteem tolerate this behaviour. Women who would rather put up with bullshit than be alone tolerate this behaviour. Women who don’t know anything else tolerate this behaviour. Some don’t possess the ability to determine that they are in an unhealthy relationship. Others do and eventually leave.
Oceanchick, you said it way better than I could.
If you put no value on yourself, you’ll draw all kinds of sleazy flies.
Eventually is the key word. It takes a while to develop the strength you need to let go of a relationship you may have been in for years and it eventually deteriorates to this point. Sometimes, making peace seems like the easiest solution. Be a good friend, be supportive and pray that those you know in these situations eventually find their way out. But they need support. And it goes both ways for men as well – I agree, Hugo
Because “I love him”, whatever the fuck that means, and the grandoise “I made him mad” and “He’ll change”. Guess what, none of those statements are true.
you’ve seen some bad human behaviour haven’t you occifer tim?
ITS BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN TO BE WITH AN ASSHOLE!! WHOOO!
Try and find someone who meets YOUR standards instead of someone whose shitty standards you’re always running to meet!! or at least meet in the damn middle!!
but i agree, ppl will leave when they are ready. sometimes it takes a long time to be ready.
Part of the reason why some stay is because of their financial situation. If they have kids especially, they might not be able to afford to provide for them by themselves if they leave. Also it’s common for abused spouses to be isolated from their friends and families by the abuser. Often the abuser will set the abused against their friends and family saying things like “They’re trying to tear us apart”, when in reality their friends and family are just concerned for their well being. The abuser will convince you that they are just misunderstood by you friends and family, and that “Only you know the real me”. It gets to the point where the abuser is the only person in your life and you don’t have the objective opinions of friends or family to help you see sense. They will manipulate you, they’ll be extremely nice and loving when it counts but as soon as they’re sure they’ve got you back under control they’ll continue to abuse you. It’s an endless cycle of apologies and abuses. They will also tell you that they are trying to change and will manipulate you into believing that it’s your job to save them. They will convince you that they are the victim and that you are the only thing keeping them from blowing their brains out. They will explain that the only reason they act abusive is because they care so deeply for you that the very thought of you leaving them makes upset to the point of violence. They will make it clear that if you ever leave them you are responsible for any harm that comes to you or your children. If you ever get out of the emotional mind trap an abuser sets for you, you feel like there is no one to turn to and nowhere to go.
It’s not a fun experience and anyone who somehow finds blame in the abused has no absulutely no idea what they are talking about.
Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. I’m just being lazy 🙂
Much better said than I ever could, snoop – even without the paragraphs.
yes o.p., why do these females do that? a very good question that a lot of shrinks will ask too. this time of year is worse than any other, with the burden of spending money that one can’t afford to, and then tensions and nerves getting frayed too.
but if it is not only this tme of year, then you have to wonder about the mentality of these ladies. i know of a few, who could not survive on their own, or so they thought. when i taught at dal, i would talk to these people and ask them, where they were in life. some of the answers were, to say the least funny.
most women are afraid to go to work, school, or to better themselves in general. others just have never been alone for any length of time. while others were just too scared to leave their abusive mates.
these are the ones that really need help and understanding. then we have the billy staffords of this world, who try to dominate everyone around them. these are the assholes that neeed the taking down, or in extreme cases like stafford, taken out of the game, altogether.
maybe it’s just me, but my mom and dad taught me to love and be gentle to your mate, because some day, you just might need them there to help you out in life. that is why your partner is never really a spouse, but a HELPMATE.
I was with an abusive guy when I was in my early twenties. I was living somewhere without any family around and I clung to him because he was attractive, complimented me and, when things started getting bad, I didn’t think I could do any better. I had zero self-esteem, and I lost someone very close to me early in our relationship and I think I just needed someone.
It took me a couple of years to finally ‘wake up’. And that’s exactly what it felt like; a cloud, a fog, lifted from my brain and I asked myself what the hell I was doing in that situation.
Once I left, it was a long road. I had to build the trust back with my family and friends, as I’d isolated myself from everyone. But I learned about myself over the following few years and I came to understand what I would and wouldn’t put up with. I also gained a lot more self confidence and esteem.
And I finally found a man who loves me for who I am and loves that I have my own life. I feel incredibly loved and, more importantly, feel that I deserve that love. Sure we have problems, but they’re trivial things.
Sometimes it may not seem like it, but there IS life at the end of the tunnel. I’m living proof.
my mother stayed with an abusive man for 37 years aka my father until he died she didn’t or couldn’t see herself on her own and her parents were down the road. men who abuse are cowards! I witnessed physical, mental, sexual and verbal abuse to her and me it was verbal and mental. i am lucky i got a great guy in my life! fuck u abusers and fuck u “dad”
Daddy issues.
The OP presents a good question. Whatever the reason, they only have one person to blame for the situation -> themselves.
and what about the Abuser? seeing how the victim is to blame for the situation then why is it that they have laws to protect the victim? or should I say so called laws! I think its retarded to blame the victim, yes they should take care of themselves but not blame them entirely don’t judge the situation until you have been in their shoes or have grown up with it.
Fuck You sebastion
This is just a question; why didn’t the phrase “self esteem” exist prior to the 80’s?
Well said Snoop….as always….
Snoop and OC pretty much nailed it.
It’s a self-esteem thing.. the women lose self-esteem because they are being verbally abused… Abuse doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual thing and women gradually lose their self-esteem. It’s sad.
Not necessarily Naveed, manipulative and abusive people are very good at picking up on whether or not someone is going to allow them to manipulate and abuse them. They will go for women who already have emotional problems and low self worth. Yes, they do chip away at their and confidence self worth and whatnot, but many women would never let themselves be abused in the first place. It’s preying on the already downtrodden.
Self Esteem is bullshit. I understand it’s usage in common language for simplicities sake. But if you seek a more detailed understanding of human behavior and self awareness you’ll soon find it’s a blanket term that has been so watered down it eventually loses it’s precise meaning the deeper you go. When it comes to complicated shit like psychology and human behavior precise is the only way to go.
I think it was actually coined as a phrase in the late eighteen hundreds but it underwent a big resurgence in research in the sixties and had a little bit of a revival in the eighties too. The biggest boom in research came about soon after the post-war boom and the emergence of the teenager in the fifties. I’m just speculating but I think they are related. But that’s a whole other thing.
Tangent averted. Besides the term “self-esteem” being devoid of meaning and utility, it’s also part of an incredibly stupid and ultimately harmful literature that encourages inflating childrens’ egos for no reason. I can’t speak for other people but I was born in the eighties and was one of those unfortunate children who grew up being told that I was special and smart and wonderful.
I’m not talking about a doting mother, I’m talking about classroom exercises about how everyone is special and perfect just the way they are from the moment they are born, which is a nice thought but not reality. It steps over teaching the treatment of others as equals and with respect, and wanders into teaching self delusion. This was supposed to boost our self-esteem and make us happy and able to stand up to bullies and shit, but it didn’t.
What it did manage to do is wipe out any sense of ‘effort-reward’ we had. There was no need to earn things because the payoff of being great and amazing and special had already been attained, or so we thought. This in conjunction with a variety of other things happening at the time (dumbing down schoolwork to match the intellectual capabilities of the slowest kids in class so as not to decrease their self-esteem, decreasing teachers’ authority etc.) made for an interesting childhood and adolescence.
After which, we were expected to go to college right away because that’s what our generation was told we had to do in order to get a good job. So we took out enormous loans of money that we didn’t do shit all to earn. We ended up stumbling onto university campuses completely unprepared with egos and self-expectations impossibly high because no one bothered to tell us through grade-school that we were stupid dumbasses and if we didn’t want to be one anymore we’d have to suffer and work our asses off.
Yup, that’s my generation, completely unprepared for life after high-school… but at least we all had high “self-esteem”.
…tangent aversion failure
Fascinating stuff snoop.
Glad you think so. I generally write on here for the opinions and just to keep writing in general during a time of my life when I’m not in a position that requires me to write coherent sentences anymore. The ironic part is that the previous sentence is not very coherent. So it’s always a nice surprise when someone else thinks the stupid shit I write is fascinating 🙂
It must be my low self-esteem.
@ hugo phurst … it goes on way more often than people seem to think. The power of wanting to be able to spend time with your kids & the usual way courts grant custody to mothers… makes it tough on fathers who would rather take the abuse, then lose contact everyday with their children.
But what do you expcet from an existance in hell , always a good time ?
Your shite is never stupid, snoop. I am thinking I might be your age group too, but I grew up in a different environment than what you describe. But I agree that many young ones grow up without the kind of feedback from the environment that reflects the reality.