My son grew up and left home. Nobody warned me he’d take my entire identity and all of my happiness with him… and he’s so far away. What am I if not Mom? Nobody warned me about this. I hate my life now. Why don’t we hear about this from other women before we think procreation is a good thing? It’s horrible! I don’t even want to feel better about it. I raised a great kid who’s independent. I’m considered a success by my peers. I feel I’ve died inside. WTF?
—wasAmom
This article appears in Mar 19-25, 2009.
you are a good mother who has raised a child that is able to survive in the world and not suck off of his parents teet like so many are these days. kids staying home till 35 years of age? i think that is more of a WTF question than yours OP.
your sense of loss, i believe, is common, however you havent really lost anything, youve just provided the world with one individual who may be able to add to it rather than subtract, like so many others. you should feel proud and comforted by this, not empty.
As I look at my three month old son bouncing in his chair with me this morning I know (and have realized) that someday he will leave me too; and there will probably be that same ache in my heart. You will always be mom to your son, it’s that your relationship is changing now that he’s become an adult.
Just because he doesn’t need you in the same way does not mean that he does not need you in his life. If you continue to enrich your life and use the lessons you learned in raising your son to expand yourself, your relationship will likely grow deeper over the years despite the distance.
I am reflecting on the relationship between my late-30s husband and his mother as I type. My MiL would gladly take her baby back into the nest; she, too, misses the days of him needing her entirely, but that can no longer be. Instead she participates in our lives – watching her son be a father to his own son – and has learned to get on with her life and be happy and grow. It was a hard transition for her, but she is a better, stronger woman/mom for allowing these changes to happen.
Your son hasn’t taken your identity, you’ve simply forgot some of its other facets. Dig down, you’re still there. You’ll always be mom, you just won’t be defined by mom alone. Good luck.
This is one of the twisted sides of being a parent. If you do your job right, then you will raise a kid who is independent and wants to leave you when they become an adult. You’ve gone wrong if they continue to cling and rely on you for things that they should be doing themselves. So, be grateful you did well, that’s an acccomplishment.
As for losing your identity, that’s really sad. It’s important to do things for yourself when you’re a parent so that “being a mom” isn’t your whole existence, for this very reason, you don’t want to end up lost when the child leaves. Give it a chance, though, you’re bound to find yourself again.
If mine are anything to go by…they leave build their own life, have a baby & THEIR BACK , looking for some help, support, to share the new baby …it’s great actually.
I hear this sort of thing all the time and I empathize but can’t quite relate… When mine are all grown and gone, I’m going to sleep in half the day and stay up all night whenever I feel like it, or maybe I’ll sell the house and go live in a van, or I could go to Somewhere tropical and live there w/o responsibilities and cares… If you need to be needed so badly, volunteer at a daycare in the North End, or babysit for a neighbor, or get involved in a local cause, but if you look around some, you will find your purpose. Enjoy your freedom, it really sounds like you’ve earned it.
As somebody who grew up and left home, I can honestly tell you that you will always be a mom. I still love my mom, even though I moved out and don’t even live in the same province as her.
Why do women find it difficult to find value in doing things that benefit themselves and only themselves? (getting an education and bread-winning may be the grand exception) It seems if we’re not going out of our way for somebody, having someone depending on us or doing for another (including sprucing ourselves up) we feel like we’re being selfish. Maybe the next generation of women will never feel such guilt and be comfortable doing selfish things? The only really selfish women I know are drug addicts, whores, alcoholics or working hard to become one. Why is selfishness such a bad thing? I don’t get it.
This is called the “Empty Nest” syndrome… go see a psychologist. They’ll get to the root of it, without meds.
My wife misses the kids, so do I.
Not as much as her but I understand how she feels. Prior to marriage I would arrive home after a overseas assignment and my mother would greet me with ‘How long are you home for ?’ Every time the same question before I was even in the door, even though the answer always was ‘ Until I am sent off again’ I should have just said ‘Ask no questions,get no lies’
buy a dog.
or find a boy toy.
Unless he stole all your forms of income, why is this bad? Don’t all children grow up and leave home? Get used to it, after so many years of being led on a leash as soon as kids get a glimpse of independence they’re going to jump on it like a cat on a mouse. Leaving home – no matter for how long is healthy, understandable and normal. I can almost guarantee however, sooner or later he’ll be back. Be happy knowing you helped raise a child and survived, you should be very proud of yourself. If your child is happy in the long run, know you did well.
I have a 17 year old and a 15 year old. I love them dearly, but my primary goal in life has been to raise two independent, capable, inventive kids who will be competent at living in the big wide world. I will really, really enjoy my own independence and privacy when they move out and start their own homes. My life is more than the role of mother.
If you’re not ready to be without your child and you have the energy, what about becoming a foster parent? My aunt and uncle did it after their last son moved out- she was in her mid 40’s and becaue she always regretted not having another, she figured it was a great idea and went for it- noe the boy is like their third child. It sounds like you did a great job with yours…maybe you could help create another quality person?
I think it’s interesting Dino Jr. here thinks happiness and fulfillment is wrapped up in an income or a career… spoken like a true student! Trust me, Dino. On your death bed you won’t be wishing you had worked more hours or bought more things or even saved more money… all that will matter is who you loved and who loved you.
This is time for you. Don’t worry about your son – you did a wonderful job and he’ll always be there for you no matter what the distance.
Think about things you can look forward to – travel, spending time with friends, joining a group, volunteering or taking up a new hobby. When my kids left home, I took up walking and nature photography that went from a hobby to a passion. Keep yourself busy so you’ll have lots to tell your son when he calls. He’ll feel a lot less guilty if you’re not sitting around pining for him.
It’s great you put so much into raising your kid but jeez! You are more than just a mother (not that being a mother is trivial, but there’s more to a person than parenthood). Find hobbies, get a pet. Do whatever it was you did before you had kids. Build up more of your life now that you can. I’d hate to think my parents sat at home being sad instead of enjoying their retirement/leisure time.
I feel for you, but not a dam thing you can do about it, I have 3 sons 25, 21, 19, all moved out west, and I miss them like hell, this is all a part of growing up,, I hate every miniute of it, My middle is having a son in June,, Last thing i wanted was a grand babie i couldnt see when ever i wanted to, I to am hoping for the day they move home , if ever, home as in nova scotia, not my house, lol , Never thought i would see the day they would all be so far away,,
or find a boy toy.
Posted by Donairious BIG on March 21, 2009 at 1:36 PM
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First reference to incest, didn’t take him long to start that one (diagnostic). Seems a favorite theme of NGF and The Coast. They seem to like Father-Son sexual relationships described the best.