Why is it taboo to come right out and say you are lonely? I’m a nice girl who has clawed my way out of a deep, dark pit of adversity without a shred of self-pity. I raise a sweet little boy on my own, supporting us both with a professional career that I love and have worked my way up the ladder very quickly. I’m genuinely funny and thoughtful, and consider myself to be pretty intelligent, even though I’m not an intellectual. I have a lot of confidence and I know that men find me attractive in the girl-next-door kind of way. I maintain a good balance of being a good, responsible parent, but still manage to cut loose and be fun in social situations. After having my son, I made it a priority to fix all of the things in my life that were broken and I made amends with the world for the things I did wrong in a “former life”, before I became a person that I’m truly happy with. I didn’t want to go into a relationship without having anything to offer, because I didn’t want someone to feel dragged down by my baggage, or my choice to bring up a child alone. I wanted to find my groove as a parent before bringing someone else into our lives. But now I feel strong, I feel independent, and I feel like I have a lot to offer the right person without having to settle for the first guy to show interest. But I can’t seem to stumble into a genuine healthy relationship. I’ve dated recently, but have been slightly off put by a pattern of borderline sociopathic men who will literally go to any emotionally exploitive lengths to keep having good sex. We live in a nightlife-heavy city busting at the seams with cute, pert young university girls who are perfectly happy to satisfy the urge for NSA sex, yet the few men I’ve dated all seem to be more interested in the humiliation ritual of baiting a girl with romance, then being cruel when said girls have the audacity to believe that those words and gestures were genuine. Maybe I’m naïve, but I have never been a cruel person, and I never seem to see it coming from others.
So I guess the purpose behind writing this is to ask for the male opinion: why is it that so many girls i know who are tragic, messy, codependent, psychologically unbalanced, boring, one-dimensional, lacking in ambition, spoiled, or superficial are all with sweet men who would die to protect them, but I can’t seem to encounter a man who can appreciate that I don’t need a man, but I want one. Am I kidding myself by wondering if men are just intimidated by my independence? Because I am starting to dread the alternative, that maybe I smell bad or emit a “slut vibe” or am just plain weird. Why is it that I feel pathetic for wanting a guy who adores me, is proud to be with me and isn’t afraid to show it? —mamasan
This article appears in Sep 11-17, 2014.
Love this bitch or bitchy love. You’re not alone, honey, I think a lot of us women feel that way. I know you’re looking for a male perspective, so where are all the responses? You callin’ it like it is, lady. They’re cruel because they’re ruled by their dicks (mostly) and they’re animals (biologically). The male culture celebrates men just running around spreading their seed ugh. Meanwhile women worry if we are giving off a ‘slut-vibe’. I think what you need to ask yourself is … these one-dimensional needy bores who always have wonderful boyfriends – just how wonderful are these men actually? I’ll bet these girlfriends of yours are actually putting up with a LOT whether they admit it to you or not. My friends who love posting pretty happy engagement photos of their cutey patootie boyfriends are dealin’ with some shit. One has a cuckold on her hands who wants her to cheat on him because he enjoys the thought of being after other men (and obviously objectifying and putting his woman at risk). The other friend just packed up a relationship with a handsome dimple-faced drunkard and now has 2 kids to deal with. Or another constantly taking her man out for expensive dinners of oysters and wine, bending over backwards to please him sexually while he cheats on her every chance he can get. Count your blessings honey. Continue to pursue peace through independence!
I simply don’t date anymore because… well, you nailed it… the majority of ‘women’ i’ve dated are, as you say, “tragic, messy, codependent, psychologically unbalanced, boring, one-dimensional, lacking in ambition, spoiled, or superficial”.
Granted, most ‘dates’ don’t progress past the first meeting due to the above, i will continue to keep my eye open for a woman who has most of her shit together.
The world, as yet, is one which we all make it to be. Though, in the haystack of broken people there are still those who, like you, can shine some brilliance from within. Keep well knowing those of us free from the fear of nothing will always end up end up. 😉
“Am I kidding myself by wondering if men are just intimidated by my independence? “
Yes.
But that doesn’t mean you smell bad, emit a ‘slut vibe’ or are just plain weird. Though it doesn’t NOT mean that. It’s more likely that you are:
a. Too picky/find peoples flaws too quickly
b. More afraid of commitment than you think you are.
c. Come off as a bit of a snob, demanding and/or controlling. Note: that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are these things but a person with such high level of self-confidence, who seems to know so precisely what they are looking for, who has already pre-determined what their partner should be, can accidentally send out the wrong signals. Especially if there is a small part of them that is terrified of rejection and commitment.
It’s also possible that a lot of men don’t want to date someone with a kid. I know that sucks and isn’t fair but it does add another level to the relationship and any man/woman with any sense, who is considering dating someone with a child, should recognize that. I’ve done it before and when our relationship ended I was really bummed because I couldn’t hang out with the kid anymore and we’d become pretty solid buds. I would be very cautious dating someone with a kid again in the future because of that.
My only advice to you OB:
If you want a guy who adores you – be ready to adore that guy.
If you want a guy who is proud to be with you – be ready to take pride in your relationship with him as well.
If you want a guy who isn’t afraid to show his affection towards you – be ready to show affection.
It sounds simple enough but a lot of people (and perhaps people inherently) are selfish and afraid when it comes to the game of hearts. It is hard to find someone you can be brave with because as soon as you take that step and show your feelings there is no going backward and you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Take your time and learn to trust, respect and be all the things you want your partner to be and you will be fine.
It is partially because the guy you require once was available to all women but most women don’t want what you are looking for they want a man that is not dependent on them but they want them around all the time, they don’t want a man that’s broke but claim they don’t want a man for money, they want a man that isn’t jealous but then do things to make him so and then wonder why he acts as if he doesn’t care. Bottom line is most men are so confused by women that they don’t know how to be men anymore. (of course this is general and not specific to yourself) everyone needs to stop trying to classify everyone and just enjoy each others company. Congrats to you on doing the right thing and being a great mom first.
and by the way you sound like a wonderful women maybe I will be lucky enough to run into you sometime to say hi.
You sound like a fellow friend of Bill’s. If so congrats on making in through… I’m single friend of Bill’s as well and am mostly sane and mostly nice. I’ve come to accept that all I can do is be open to a relationship, but I don’t actually have any control over whether or not I actually find myself a partner (unless I want to exert some self will and settle).
I really just can’t account for men. They tend to go around trashing women’s psyches so much I am starting to believe that many of them really are the tragic culmination of rape culture and a low self-esteem.
Truly strong women and hard to find and I think they are the best, but to be completely honest I would have to love someone to date them if they have a kid, and really I can’t get to know them on that level without years as friends.
Are you referring to my post, Zuke? I don’t think I’ve trashed ob’s psyche at all, nor do I think that her difficulty in finding a partner is the result of rape culture or the low self-esteem of others. Truly strong, stable and independent people are certainly very hard to find on both sides of the fence. But why do you automatically assume that OB is as flawless as she claims to be in her essay? It sounds more to me, when reading it, that she is trying to convince herself that she’s doing everything right and others must be intimdated by her. I think it’s more likely that the explaination is a little less one-sided than that. Nobody wants to be with someone who seems to be looking down on them – man or woman – or who is searching for something so specific that the only way they will ever be happy with a partner is if they fit into a very set mold. The result is that the other person feels they are not good enough and need to change themselves. The only way a relationship can work is through accepting, respecting, understanding and even loving the parts of a person that are “flawed” as well as the parts that are easy to appreciate. And just because i know i’m going to have to clarify this – I do mean that this applies to EVERYONE interested in finding love. Women as well as men.