to the women of Nova Scotia I leave behind

it pains me to go. as a parting gift, what your conversations will look like in my absence-

Ohh my God..
Baby you done took this shit to another motherfucking level
a neighbourhood brother like me aint supposed to be gettin no pussy like this
Damn. Damn! Who taught you how to get sexy for a brother?
You never used to talk dirty, but now you got damn disgusting,
My, my God, where’d you learn that?
Look at you motherfucking butt ass naked with these motherfucking Jimmy Choos on
Who taught you how to put some motherfucking Jimmy Choos on?
Yo, you took your game up a whole ‘nother level, this is some Cirque ‘de Soleil pussy now!
You done went all porno on it, ok. And I, I, I, I love it..
And I thank you, I thank you, my dick thanks you!
How did you learn, how.. how did your pussy game come up?
I was fucking parts of your pussy I aint never fuck before
I was in there like oo I never been here before. I’ve never even seen this part of pussy town before.
It’s like you got this shit re-upholstered or something. What the fuck happened?
Who, who the fuck got your pussy all re-upholstered?
You know what, I got to thank him
And when I see him Imma thank him.
Imma his shake his hand, Imma buy him drinks.. Imma shoot his enemies!
That’s how good I feel about this guy
Where you learn to treat a man like this?
Cause he taught you well. he taught you well.

ladies; till we meet again

men: you’re welcome

—OVWA

This article appears in Feb 6-12, 2014.