Bestie, I don’t want to hear it anymore. You went on about being tired of dating douchebags and being single. Everyone in our group is coupled and you’re solo at 38, and that bugs you. Ever wonder why you’re single?
You are too picky! You just stopped seeing this really sweet 35-year-old man because he didn’t make enough money and had no goals! You have a business degree and work in a management position at a certain large financial institution while he works as a janitor. When you found out that he’s always broke at the end of the month, you asked him if he had plans to go back to school and find something better. When he told you no, you told him it wouldn’t work out. Yes, you make more money than him. But what’s wrong with you, the woman, being the breadwinner?! It’s 2017, for fuck’s sakes, time to evolve!
My sister and I have known him for many years and I can tell you, he is the most sweetest, caring, sensitive guy you would ever want to meet. And so what if he’s not, and likely never will be, making as much? He’s a nice guy! Better than being with some asshole! Also, it’s not like he doesn’t have a job at all!
So he might not be able to afford what you can, he might not be as financially/economically successful as you are, but he can offer this: love, emotional support, his kind nature, his company and his arms wrapped around you on the couch after you’ve had a tough day at work.
That’s really what you should look for in a partner, not a high income! Some of those career-guys you’ve dated were the biggest jerks and made your life Hell! Money isn’t everything and I reckon you’re going to be single well into your 40s if you don’t eventually learn that life lesson. –Personality > Money any day in my books!
This article appears in Jan 19-25, 2017.
Men see women as sex objects
Women see men as wallets
The universe is in equilibrium…
There is nothing wrong with your friend knowing what she wants. If her goals in life include a lifestyle that requires a certain amount of disposable income (travel, dining out, going to concerts, etc.), it is ridiculous to expect her to foot that bill for her partner every time because he can never afford to join her on his income. He might be the nicest guy in the world, but being financially incompatible can be a major source of conflict in a relationship. Money isn’t everything, but everything costs money. It certainly shouldn’t be the primary decision making factor in selecting a partner, but it’s naive and unfair to suggest that it has no place. Stop judging your friend for trying to find the right combination that works for her and just support her. She’s supposed to be able to come to you, good or bad, and have a safe space to be herself and, yes, complain about being single, even if the reason for it is that she gets in her own way. In this case, I side with your friend.
SaintCecilia: In many (most?) relationships it is unlikely that both partners happen to make the same income.
If the man makes more, is it ok for him to “foot the bill”?
How about each person contributing what they can to the household, the travel, the entertainment.
Any relationship based on “keeping score” is going to be a special kind of hell.
It is your turn to be on top tonight…?
Hi city mouse,
Of course, there are going to be a difference in wages, it’s fairly common, but when one person makes significantly more than the other to the point that the other has no money at the end of the month as this post suggests, this can cause big problems. I think the difference here is the size of the gap between what both individuals make. Personally, I believe those problems exist regardless of the gender of the breadwinner. In fact, I fail to see what gender has to do with it. I suspect your question is rooted in the stereotype that women expect men to function as a bank machine, despite there being larger and larger numbers of self-sufficient and financially independent women in the world. I certainly, wouldn’t expect my partner to pay my way through life. I also don’t think it has anything to do with keeping score.
I had an ex-boyfriend that lost his job and instead of finding a new one, decided to launch his own business. This took a considerable amount of time and all of his savings (plus going in debt). He didn’t have any disposable income. We adjusted as best we could, sometimes I would take him out for supper or buy the ingredients to make a really nice meal at home, but I wasn’t prepared nor did he expect me to pay for him to join me on vacations out of the country or to concerts in another province. If I wanted to sign up for a lifetime of financially supporting another human, I’d have a child.
Saint Cecelia nails it in my books.
I’m with your bestie on this one. I’m also a university graduate who also works in a well paying management position and I wouldn’t date some 35 year old dude who’s broke at the end of the month (and has no plans to get out of this fucking financial rut/trap for some reason) either. Know why? Because I have a future in mind; I want a house in the next few years and I want to continue with my annual trips down south. My future doesn’t plan to include paying his part of the down payment on the house and forking over double the cost of our trip to a southern climate because since hes broke at the end of every month there’s no way he has an extra $1000-1200 + to travel. It’s not about taking his money, it’s about him NOT taking my money! Sorry but being nice doesn’t pay the bills.
Some of us know our worth and know high we can have our asking price….and some prospective mates don’t meet the cut.
She’s the soul mate of the guy in the bitch below this one
He could be the nicest janitor in the world but he might also be an intellectual simpleton (and, obviously, a piss poor money manager) to this ‘fussy’ friend. Better she be fussy, buy herself a Turbodick 5000 at Venus Envy & laugh at all the stupid bovines willing to settle for a man, any man. And let’s see just how long those couples you know last over the next decade – you fit the perfect ‘misery-loves-company’ profile – you’re attached and so should everyone else. Mind your own business & stop trying to play matchmaker to someone who has superior tastes to your own.
The title of this bitch: ‘This is why you are single’ is fucking offensive, like being single was a goddamn disease or virus that people should avoid at all costs. I am sick and tired of stupid people, mostly women, who think marriage is the fucking ultimate prize in one’s life. If I was this friend of yours, I’d drop you like a steaming hot turd.
Right the fuck on, TT Fobo, on both of your comments.
This bitch hits close to home for me as I’ve been in a similar situation as the OP’s bestie in the past. Last year, I dated this nice guy who worked as a gas station attendant for a few months. I’m usually weary of dating men who work low-paying dead end jobs and will usually dismiss them immediately because I think of the possibility that I might have to support them. However, this was a guy my cousin knew and he really was a geniunely nice guy, so I had an open mind and gave him a chance. Then one day, he contacts me from his friend’s phone, telling he no longer has his own phone as he could no longer afford it. On top of that, he’s living with this friend because he was struggling to pay his rent! I asked him if he’s been laid off. Nope, this has apparently happened to him several times (moving in with someone and giving up a cell phone because of lack of funds)! When I asked him if he thought about going back to school, he told me school is too hard! He was 38…
Let’s just say, I told him buh-bye!
And I kid you fucking not, I got railed hard for dumping this guy by my cousin. All because he is nice. OK, he IS nice, but fuck that shit. Just because he’s nice, doesn’t mean I can’t still do a lot better. As an educated, intelligent, hard working 36 year old woman who makes pretty good coin, it’s not superficial of me to want to date a guy with as much of a promising future as I have – it’s smart, especially in this economy.
I gave up dating and was very bitter for a while last year until I met this awesome guy last September and we’ve been together since. He’s an electrician, making good money and looking to go into business for himself, he makes me laugh, he’s attractive, and….wait for it…he’s ALSO nice!
Bite me, OP.
Newsflash! Most guys are nice. Being nice is a basic requirement of all people actually. It is literally the most basic expectation we have of ourselves and all the people in our life. This bitch is describing it as if it’s some extra magnificent quality that should automatically get her mediocre guy pal through the door. I’m with the friend on this too.
While nobody wants a deadbeat on either side, StCec and Mizzie handily prove my original thesis: that women measure men by the size of their wallets.
The reverse is not so true…
I think it’s funny when people think that income is a deal breaker. What kind of loser thinks that way? Oh, right, the kind I avoid and make fun of. I made double what my wife made when I met her, thank fuck I wasn’t an asshole, cuz I woulda missed out big time. I sure am glad I have the confidence in myself to let my feelings make the important decisions in my life, not my calculator.
I agree with Newbiewon, “nice” is a basic requirement not a prize. There are important facts missing here, however. How was the sex? There are other things woman look for, not just the wallet. Seems to me this guy was lacking in more areas than just his wallet that simply being “nice” could not make up for, if you know what I mean 😉
This is a tough one. Yeah, we’re not supposed to be materialistic and judge people’s worth by their job…but realistically, how many upwardly mobile university graduates want to marry a janitor? As a man with a professional career, I want to marry a woman with a career too; I’m probably not going to be interested in a corner store clerk. It’s not just about the money, but about the life you want to lead.
Exactly my point, Jammie!
A lot of people don’t seem to get it and label myself and the like as superficial, money grubbing bitches….hence all the dislikes on any of my posts (on this bitch and past ones) about this subject….
It’s not even all about the money – someone who works in a lower paying job might not have as much in common with someone who has built a satisfying career.
I’m not rich by any means, but I have a satisfying career that I’m dedicated to. I spent many years in school and I just seem to connect with people who have ‘careers’ and not just jobs and with people who have been through the same things as me while I was in school. We just click better.
Also, being able to support one’s self on their own is attractive. I have always been able to support myself as a single woman, and I just don’t want a partner that would rely on me for the basic necessities of life.
Plus, maybe being a nice guy doesn’t make up for short falls in other areas. I dated a really nice guy once, but I found myself resenting it because he was immature and I couldn’t have an actual intellectual conversation with him. So as nice as he was, I found myself taking out my frustrations on him, which really wasn’t fair to either of us, so I broke it off because he deserves a lot better than someone who is going to project their frustrations of an incompatible partner on them, and I really hope he was able to find someone who was able to give him what he deserves from a loving partner.
There are billions of people in this world without access to basic things like food, water, and healthcare. No one gives a fuck about your vacations down south. Get over yourself, christ. Re-read this post the next time you feel like griping about a wage gap or telling someone else to check their privilege.
Thank god I found a job that I am passionate about that pays enough and a woman who isn’t a complete narcissist. Sorry to those men and women who are stuck with these other bitchers/commenters. Guess you should just hope you never fall on hard times or you’ll find out just how much you’re really worth to them.
Exactly PP. I’m sure there are some brilliant poet-janitors out there – or mathematical prodigy janitors. But by and large, a bank exec with an MBA is probably not going to have much in common intellectually with a lifelong dishwasher.
I see all the resentful and uneducated poors are here to downvote the more sensible comments on this issue.
^^^
Honest to fuck… i think we’re really getting under some people’s skin…lol
I downvote douchebags. I’m neither uneducated nor am I poor but people like you slimey buggers do get under my skin sometimes. You’re personal dating preferences are one thing but going on about yourself like you’re the bees knees and sooo much better than other people who make less money than you is entirely different and pretty gross.
Let me be clear, I am in no way envious of you or the riches you claim to have. I just think you’re lame people.
the amount of first (and only) dates I’ve been on with women ‘between’ jobs or whatever the excuse is…..
I won’t date a woman without a job….. and that’s where I draw the line… I don’t give a fig what her work is as long as she has one. I will also cut the date short and won’t consider a second date if she speaks in any direction of my own finances.
money grubbers are easy to spot, btw. money, even in the most casual of conversations, excites them…… and when you see that, ask for the cheque. Pay it and consider it a dodged-a-bullet fee and move on.
Nobody is claiming to be the bees knees or saying they are better. They are talking about personal and lifestyle compatibility. Some drastic intellectual / financial / religious / political or philosophical / sexual / whatever mismatches last; most don’t. It’s pretty simple.
To be clear, my crack about resentful and uneducated poors was in fact a wisecrack. It’s more likely middle and upper middle class young idealists who think love conquers all that are so terribly offended by the notion that socioeconomic differences can be hard to overcome in a relationship.
I get what you’re saying Jammie, I did not pick up on the fact that you were joking. I have insomnia and am somewhat crankier than usual so I guess I missed it, my apologies. My comments were directed mostly at sentiments such as this:
“As an educated, intelligent, hard working 36 year old woman who makes pretty good coin, it’s not superficial of me to want to date a guy with as much of a promising future as I have”
Pat yourself on the back much? Like yeah, you can date whomever you want to date for whatever reason you want to date them. Money, physical attributes, religious compatibility etc… but it’s been my experience that truly successful people don’t usually feel the need to look down upon or convince others of their success and/or (supposedly) superior level of education. There’s a difference between being self assured and just being suuuper smug.
There are many people who have lots of fair-weather friends and have partners who barely tolerate them. So, if you are lucky enough to have a handful of people who really care about you then consider yourself to be living a very fortunate life. Cultivate and appreciate those relationships.
With regards to this bitch, if you are single and meet someone whose company you enjoy and who seems to truly care about you then income disparity should be the last thing to worry about. It’s very difficult to meet a good life partner. Don’t make it harder by imposing unnecessary criteria.
I’m a professional female with an above average income and I met a janitor. We’ve been together for 5+ years. Nothing against the professional men but the ones I met were jerks and entitled because of their salary.