I am fed up with people judging and stereotyping me because of my appearance. I am educated, well travelled, intelligent, funny and kind. I am hard working, confident and constantly try to better myself. At my age (mid-twenties) I have done more than most people who are in their 40s (personally and professionally). I have managed people, travelled the world, been in charge of multi-million dollar projects, etc. But ever since I’ve come back to Halifax, it’s like I’m a social pariah. I am a bigger girl, and it’s mostly due to genes and a hormone disorder. I’m not lazy, I exercise 3-4 times a week and I don’t sit home eating chips and cookies all day, I am actually a semi-vegetarian and eat very healthy most meals. Despite all this, I’m stuck working in a shitty, dead end job for minimal pay and have a non-existent love life. I haven’t had this kind of blatant disrespect and dismissal ever, and it makes me just want to leave this city, but my family is here and I want to be close to them as my parents age. I know haters are going to hate regardless, but people – have enough balls to look past someones appearance because what’s underneath might just be the best thing going. —Big, Bold and Beautiful So Deal With It!
This article appears in Jan 19-25, 2012.
stop caring what other people think and stop justifying yourself. that’s a great start
You’ve gotta learn not to give a fuck about what others think.
Nothing I can really add to what my estimable colleagues have said. The words of George Carlin do come to mind.
“Think of the most average person you know. Now reflect on the fact that fully half of the populace is stupider than that” The opinions of others pale in comparison to where a strong mind can lead you. Good luck.
Well.. lot’s of thin people work dead end jobs too. And have shitty love lives believe it or not! If you want people to look past your appearance I hope you’re willing to do the same. The victim attitude is very noticeable, not saying you have it but if you do, that might be what’s holding you back.
I sympathize.
That’s the thing: you could stop caring what others think and cut the victim attitude, but that doesn’t make you somehow more desirable. Men who don’t like fat chicks (which is like the majority when you’re in you twenties) aren’t going to suddenly going to want to know someone because they stopped caring what others think. Personality, intelligance and all that crap means nothing when it comes to love when you’re not physically what someone wants. Them’s the breaks.
All I can say, OB, is that it kind of gets better in your 30s. Kinda.
Also: I didn’t write this bitch. I’m cool with men and life and my job and all that shit.
triple b, if you are who i think you are, you are just this side of awesome. and i love you the way you are. if you are not the pretty thing i think you are, i would still do you in a second.
Just pretend you a female Uncle Phil, sister!
Op, stop using other people’s values and opinion as the ‘ruler stick’ to measure your success. You know what matters, don’t forget that.
Good post.
Two points though:
1) Do other people actually tell you you’re overweight, or are you assuming that they judge you? I ask because I’m not overweight, so I admit I don’t know if people are actually so rude as to bring it up.. If so, they’re not worth your thought.
2) There’s no such thing as a semi-vegetarian.
You’re either an Omnivore.
Lose the giving a shit what people think.
Be. Beautiful.
You. Are. Beautiful.
Maybe date older guys who aren’t as shallow too(though shallowness comes at all ages, guys in their 20s really are pretty shallow).
Good luck, OB.
Wpaul
Multi-million dollar projects, and now your working in a dead end job with minimal pay? I think you chose a bad career move. Quit and find a better job. As for being fat, it’s simple math: take in less calories and keep exercising (unlike that bitch the other day about those women who barely move at the gym). Halifax already had way too many fat people.
“Op, stop using other people’s values and opinion as the ‘ruler stick’ to measure your success. You know what matters, don’t forget that.”
From OB’s bitch, I get a sense that she already does think she’s awesome (well on the surface, there MAY be some underlying prejudice towards herself — bitchinlocal has a great point about self assumptions). Thing *is* sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you like yourself — if the people out there aren’t willing to buy into your awesomeness (i.e.: judging you based on appearances), than that’s really no great solution to the problem OB’s bitching about (lack of love). It doesn’t hurt and is awesome to have self acceptance and love yourself and all that stuff, but for OB’s problem? Eh, not so much of a solution imho.
“Do other people actually tell you you’re overweight, or are you assuming that they judge you?”
EXCELLENT point. Thing *is* it’s really really hard to change your mindset in this if there’s something about yourself that you hate, so you figure everyone else would hate as well. In a great number of cases it’s all in your head and people really don’t give two shits about it, but it’s just HARD to change your thought process when it comes to faults. This isn’t just for those who are obese/overweight/etc… there are tons of thin and skinny people out there who think everyone thinks *insert whatever body flaw here* is SUCH a turn off and everyone in the world thinks so too. It’s more so about our own prejudices than anything — that and people out there with perceived body flaws get to see themselves naked every day. There can be a big difference between what one looks like naked and what they look like clothed 😛
Finally, wheelie has an omg excellent point: guys in their 20s tend to be quite shallow. I’m sorry to all the 20 year old guys out there for making a generalization… no wait I’m NOT because it’s true. HOW many males friends or acquaintances have I had in my early 20s that have gone on and on about how they’d never date a fatty or someone who didn’t “take care of themselves” (because as we all know, fat people are all slobs *eyeroll*) and had girlfriends they ended up hating because they had the personality of a brick (not to say all thin girls have shitty personalities, but sometimes this is the case — it can be the case with fat chicks too) — they chose their significant other on the basis of looks only and ended up miserable in the end. So as more time passed, they started to learn that “OH HAY! Maybe I should be looking for someone with a personality that meshes well with mine!” and started to broaden their horizons. Because it’s funny — all those guys who said they’d never date someone who was fat? At least half of them are now dating or engaged to or married to someone who isn’t a perfect weight (some are even fat!).
So yes, men do tend to get less shallow as they age (overall). I actually read a study on this from a psych journal once. Men in their 20s and 30s tend to look for different things because they have different priorities. That and it takes FOREVER for men to grow the fuck up (if they ever do).
I’m sorry for my male-bashing-esque post here — I really don’t hate men (I <3 men!), but some things DO have to be said. And that's also not to say women can't be douches and pull the same shit too. I've seen just as much douchebaggery in women that I've seen in men.
not caring what other people think, comes with age. i was about thirty-five when i had this epiphany, vewy refweshing
OB, all the others are right on the money, its impossible to please everybody. So its best to simply please yourself. I personally am turned off by thin anorexic women. Stop judging yourself by the values of other people…who more often or not are shallow & haven’t got a clue anyway. (pain girls right on…Petty K’s thoughts have some real good points as well)
Pretty is the outside & like a flower it fades.
Beauty is on the inside & as long as you remain true to yourself, nothing else is really important.
Anyone ever notice its the females with the dyed hair, fake nails, a face that’s enhancements have come out of several bottles of different makeup, false eyelashes & whitened teeth who can’t find a real man anywhere ?
OB, I agree with the others in that you need to find the place where you don’t feel the need to justify your appearance … the most important thing is to always be yourself. Unless you have major personality flaws that someone would suggest you see a psychologist to rectify … don’t change who you are for someone else … it may make them happy but you won’t be.
As for finding employment … your education and experience should speak for itself. But, there are still some employers who, no matter how qualified you are, won’t hire someone they feel is too young for the position. I’ve known people who don’t want colleagues or clients to know their age because of the prejudiced assumptions that go along with it resulting in less respect in the workplace.
Good luck.
The right job will come to you just keep looking, don’t get down. Some employers will hire on looks and smarts but some will get past what they feel is how people should look and go with knowledge.
I’ve got a little extra with my package as well! ; )
Cheesy retorts aside, I take it you’re attributing your lack of opportunity with some presumed prejudice towards your body size. I don’t know, I’m not in your shoes but if you have the talent you speak of, any employer should recognize that and make use of it. It’s to their best interest. Have you been in the same job all this time? If so, move on. It’s a dead end, you said that yourself. I wish you luck. I’m sure there must be a place where you can thrive.
Hey PK-
Thanks for the agreement and props!
Last summer, while online dating, I had three 30-year old girls pursue me, agressively, because I was plain talking, smartish, a nice guy etc.
I was irresistable- until I told them I had an injury. Then I wasn’t worth dating.
My couple of points(and I’m not being absolute with them, like ALL guys/girls, but these are my observations):
1- everyone says “There are no nice guys/girls left, woe is me”, but there is always a line that cannot be crossed, nice guy/gal or not. Many of the lines are arbitrary and have no effect on someone’s suitability as a mate, and some are judgement calls.
2- be cool with yourself, an people will see past your “imperfections”. Better The Love of Your Life than discounting someone because they are 20lbs overweight.
Observations, take em or leave em.
Wpaul
Fuck that, Wheelie — you’re worth dating. You’re a hunk and a half. You’re a goddamned catch, FFS. Those girls were just hoes.
Agreed, Kitty – Wheelie, no one can smell as lovely as you and NOT be a catch – personally, I think you’re fucking adorable – if I were 20 years younger, I’d let you make motor boat noises between the twins.
Hey im a 20 year old male and i like to think im not shallow. Im dating the woman that i love because i love spending time with her. I dont care about looks in the slightest, although i guess i kind of agree with you pretty. I have friends who wouldn’t date somone (both male and female) that would be perfect for them, because of how they looked.
“Noises”?
I’d take them out for a cruise to the Azores!
SS Tits McGee.
Brbrbrbrbrblrbrblrbrbl
Wpaul
BAHAHAHAHA I loves you guys.
Thanks for all the supportive and tough love comments!! (yes this is Triple B) I was just having a really down day and had to vent. I normally don’t think of myself as a “victim” – I’m just really frustrated and impatient in the employment/love areas of my life right now…and I did make a horrible career move it seems in moving back here, but like I said I wanted to be close to my parents. Oh well, I know it’ll all work out eventually! 🙂 Thanks for listening to my bitch and offering your advice, I really appreciate it!
glad to be of service miss, we are available 24/7 http://www.offthemark.com/cartoons/1997-09…
Eeh.. is not being willing to date someone you’re not attracted to, for whatever reason really shallow? I don’t think it is. Plenty of overweight people are in great relationships. And I’m not just talking about the ones who weren’t overweight when they got into the relationship.
I don’t think it’s shallow, Thomas. What I do think is shallow is picking someone who sucks on the inside but picking them anyway because they might have big tits or a hot ass or flat abs or whatever. At some point you have to look past that in order to actually be HAPPY. I wasn’t attracted to my ‘first’ in the slighest at first. Then he grew one because of who he was and ended up being the first of only two guys I’ve ever loved. *shrug*
*grew on me.
stupid iphone posting.
I think you’re wrong Tommy.
Not dating someone whom you get along perfectly with… because they look like two-face…
is shallow. (I’m thinkin’ Tommy Lee two-face… not eckhart…)
Depending on the person, we all weigh different characteristics differently though.
now if he had $3 million sitting the in bank… a lot of women (and likely sebastien) would still be throwing themselves at him… knowing that even though they aren’t attracted, they’d have it pretty easy…
it’s all too situational…
And PK’s sweeping comments can be applied just as well to twenty-something bitches just as much. enough of the man hating routine by y’all…
I didn’t necessarily say looks, but if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to them. I think as we age we start to value certain things more and become attracted to different things, I don’t that makes us any deeper or less shallow, we just have different needs and wants as we age.
Not dating someone whom you get along perfectly with… “because they look like two-face…
is shallow”
I wholeheartedly disagree. Getting along is one thing. What, you’re supposed to date everyone you get along with? Not sure how that would work. You’re not doing anyone any favors by dating someone that you’re not into. They’re going to notice that you don’t really turn them on and either be smart and dump you, or as is the case more often than not, put themselves through a whole lot of trouble and pain trying to turn you on when the truth is they just don’t do it for you. Doesn’t mean they’re no good, they’re just no good for you. Self esteem problems develop from these situations. I think you’d be doing yourself and your partner a huge disservice settling for someone (yes I used that word) that you don’t really find attractive. Again, for whatever reason. There’s probably someone else out there who does find them attractive and would make them feel better.
That being said, yeah, I won’t disagree that young people are generally superficial or shallow and value looks, what else is new.
I agree with what PK said. Dating somebody strictly for looks is shallow and stupid but having standards when it comes to beauty is nothing to be ashamed of. I want a girl who’s sexually appealing as well as interesting and compatible with me on a personal level. I won’t date someone who I find unattractive, am I shallow?
I know, I know, but it just seems to me that it’s more socially acceptable to be a fat guy than a fat girl.
And i don’t hate men by any means, zed. In a lot of circumstances I prefer guys over gals (platonically speaking, that is). I just remember hearing that shit way more from my guy friend than my gal friends.
Also: who knows, maybe if I had’ve met you back in my early 20s at acadia, i would’ve hit on ya. *shrug* Too bad you didn’t hang out at the library more 😉
@LIFE SUCKS – haha well thank you, but I don’t think we know each other…this is my first time submitting a “bitch” – Triple B
You know what’s a bummer, though Thomas? When someone just won’t say “yeah, I know we get a long and we seem to click, buuuuuut… in order to fuck you I’d have to put a paper bag over my head (think about that one) so I don’t think I can be with you because I don’t really want to be on the verge of vomiting when I think about touching you.”
Which happens A LOT. People don’t tend to want to be straight and just say ‘I’m not attracted to you” because it’ll hurt their feelings. There’s no way around that one. I think it’s much worse for people to be told they’re unattractive than be told their personality just isn’t right, and there aren’t many of us out there (including myself) who are willing to cause that kind of hurt.
Sadly, though, in the end it’s likely doing more harm than good, not being straight up. All this “it’s not you, it’s me” or “I don’t want a relationship right now” bullshit or all these other excuses that put the blame for the rejection away from the person being rejected is just that — bullshit. In almost every case, you’re rejecting someone because of some factor that just doesn’t do it for you — be it looks, OR personality.
It’s simple.
Yeah, that does suck PK, but it’s better than reluctantly dating someone and “trying to see past” their bad looks/personality/whatever just to so as not to be considered shallow. I think THAT’S fucking shallow, and cruel, and a waste of that person’s time, not to mention the significant probability that they’ll develop issues over it.
I might agree that it’s more socially acceptable to be a fat man than a fat woman, I don’t know though.. Being a fat guy is no day at the beach either. It’s not as if more women swoon for Jason Alexander than Brad Pitt or some other chiseled dude. I see these billboards for “Natural Beauty” and shit for Dove, and they have women of all shapes and sizes, so as to emphasize that beaty comes in many forms. Axe, Nivea for Men, Gillette, all still have hairless chiseled six pack and pecs having men in their advertising. You’ll never see a fat hairy guy, or even an average, love handle having, not really hairy but not hairless guy, in one of those commercials. Ever.
I’ll give you this, I see more hot girls with overweight guys than the other way around. Usually that overweight guy has money though. Fat guys with great personalities and not a lot of money tend to get friend-zoned a lot, from what I’ve seen, unless they go for someone who is also not supermodel-esque.
But as I’ve said I see plenty of people who might be considered fat or unattractive that are in loving, happy, relationships. If you want someone to look past certain things and like you for who you are, you’ve got to practice what you preach.
I hung out there all the time.
I used to get hammered in there last year, actually.
not my proudest moment… and kinda geeky too….
but it was a great QUIET place to have some drinks and skuffle off to a desk in the corner so no-one would bug me for a few hours.
and I would attribute the hot girl with fat dude correlating to the fact that on average men make more dough than women…
“he may be ugly but he’s not ALWAYS around… and when he’s not, I can live any way I want” sorta complex. the more he works, the richer he gets and less he’s around… so they both benefit.
he’s happy having the trophy and she’s happy living it up without worrying about the day to day.
For the reverse… see ‘demi n ashton’ … and the results that follow.
I know he’s still rich but.. apparently too young to settle down, keep it in pants, and continue merrily on the ‘family’ lifestyle.
*MY last year….
not JUST last year…
big diff.
“Yeah, that does suck PK, but it’s better than reluctantly dating someone and “trying to see past” their bad looks/personality/whatever just to so as not to be considered shallow. I think THAT’S fucking shallow, and cruel, and a waste of that person’s time, not to mention the significant probability that they’ll develop issues over it.”
I did that once. However, I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to be seen as superficial, I really thought that I could possibly look past all that. It’s happened to me before that I’ve been able to — I’m the type that gets turned on by personality the more I meet someone. My first impressions of someone usually aren’t indicative of my impressions after I get to know them. I thought my best friend (not donarious, the other one) was kind of snotty when we first met and now we’re amazing friends. Anyway, I couldn’t get past the looks with this guy because he didn’t have a personality that did it for me. As superficial as this might sound, he simply wasn’t smart enough for me. I don’t judge intelligence on amount of schooling EVER because this guy had a degree with a double major and was dumb as a doorknob. Anyway, I started to resent him and it just wasn’t good for either of us.
“I hung out there all the time.
I used to get hammered in there last year, actually.
not my proudest moment… and kinda geeky too….
but it was a great QUIET place to have some drinks and skuffle off to a desk in the corner so no-one would bug me for a few hours.”
What floor? I worked at the circ desk and used to socialize on the first floor (because, really). When I wanted to study I’d go up to the third floor by the part where it overlooked the second floor or the second floor where the huge tables were. However, I was completely oblivious when I was up there because I was in study mode, and unless you hung out around the first floor or frequented the circ desk, I would’ve had no sweet fucking clue who you were.
And it’s ok, we’ve all had a few drinks and/or’ve been drunk in the vaughan at one point or another. At least you didn’t decide the floor by the vending machines was a great place to have a “nap.”
“However, I was completely oblivious when I was up there because I was in study mode, and unless you hung out around the first floor or frequented the circ desk, I would’ve had no sweet fucking clue who you were. “
that’s why I went… everyone was like that and no-one bugged me at all.
It was 3rd floor away from that open area… I think… tough to remember for obvious reasons at this point…