As a former retail worker (which everyone who has ever shopped should be required to experience) and a frequent shopper I thought I’d offer unsolicited and probably unwanted advice to all of you shopping shitheads out there.
All of these examples are from actual events so don’t think I’m exaggerating for effect. I just felt like getting things off my chest for the Hellidays shopping frenzy.
1. Don’t rip a package to shreds to see if it’s exactly what you want then throw the item on the floor and grab a neatly packaged one to purchase. This is especially true when there are examples of said item already open right next to you.
2. Don’t come into a store mid December and throw a tantrum because an item you wanted isn’t in stock. You snooze, you lose. Find something else and start your shopping earlier next year.
3. Don’t urinate, deficate or deposit used menstrual items in the dressing rooms. Do I need to say more here?
4. If you have a bunch of items you want to buy but not right that second. Don’t shove them under racks, behind walls or inside other clothes and especially don’t complain because the items you “hid” were put back in their proper place when you came back for them.
5. Don’t hate the store because they don’t have exactly what you want. You may think a 4 foot tall Santa wearing a Souwester and a kilt should be an easy to find item but if you can’t find it don’t huff and puff and talk about how much the store sucks.
6. If someone sees you obviously looking for an item and offers help, either take it or don’t but pacing up and down the same aisle 10 times bitching that you can’t find something after refusing help just makes you look like a moron.
7. When in line at the register, don’t bitch about how long the wait is in then get to the front and ask 50 questions and run back and forth trading items and laying clothes out into little outfits to see how they match. Do you see the irony here?
8. If your kids are screaming at the top of their lungs for 10 to 20 minutes at a time take them out of the fucking store. Also, don’t get pissed because you’re getting dirty looks from everyone – you’ve earned them.
9. If you know nothing about who you are shopping for don’t expect the employees to. If you need a gift for your cousin’s daughter but you don’t know how old she is, what size she wears, what colour she likes or what hobbies she has then go find that shit out before you act disgusted that the employee showed you 10 different things that were “all wrong”
10. If you shop this time of year you have no right to ever bitch about line ups, parking spaces or an untidy store. I have a news flash for you. You will have a hard time finding a parking spot, you will have to wait in line and even with all the extra help at Christmas they cannot instantly tidy a table of t-shirts that you completely destroyed in 4 seconds.
11. If you take up a lot of room because you have a huge stroller, a shopping cart or you’re just really large don’t look disgusted and roll your eyes and sigh loudly when someone says “excuse me” to get past you. It shouldn’t be that difficult to move a few inches to the left and if it is stay home.
12. Employees are humans. Don’t expect them to create miracles, bitch about them loudly when they tell you something isn’t in stock, tell them it’s none of their fucking business when they ask for a postal code or phone number for their stats (how about “Sorry, I prefer not to give that out”), call them stupid when they don’t understand that when you ask for “one of those things that you put things in” is a Christmas stocking or blame them when your credit card declines.
I realize this is lengthy but I could go on and on. I’m just thankful that I’m not a retail worker and that my shopping was done 2 months ago.
Happy Shopping! —Online shopper not a mall hopper
This article appears in Nov 18-24, 2010.
Haha a friend of mine made a great list like this once. Included in it was
“8. The staff at grocery stores can only assist you if the product which you seek exists.”
You for got the Golden Rule.
Cancel bought gift giving altogether.
Do away with it entirely.
1 Your life becomes one of no stress.
2 You don’t have to pay out even more to ‘wrap’ presents
3 You give gifts you make, or bake.
4 You invite those you would give a gift to, to your home for a get together.
5 throw a party
6 Use the money you save to go on a vacation (somewhere warm)
7 Buy all the food for your famillies get together & prepare it yourself so your Mom doesn’t have to do it for once
8 Help the needy…not the greedy
9 Pamper yourself, your worth it, even if you don’t think you are.
10 Make sure you have present tags & a pen in your pocket…anyone gives you a gift, replace the tag & write their name on it & return it to them ~:)
11 take the time to bake with your small children, make candy with them
12 TRY AND REMEMBER THE REASON FOR THE SEASON…it’s not about how much money you spend.
Its about quality TIME you spend, money comes & goes, but a lost loved one is irreplacable.
So create those special memories now, someday it may be all you have left !
No gift can ever replace that.
You missed “Have your cash, debit, or credit card ready”. Nothing worse than someone digging for their payment and having problems finding it or getting coins out.
Especially when they’ve been waiting in a long line. This happened at the bank machine. We waited FOREVER for this one woman to finish and the next idiot (she looked stunned as fuck) took 5 minutes just to find her debit card when she could’ve had it ready. THen it took her another 5 minutes to grab her crap when she finished because she had to pack her card and money back up and then pick up her shit and look at her bank slip. FFS.
Also: I agree with this bitch, especially as someone who’s lived through the Holiday season as a grocery cashier *shudder.* never. again.
Rule Number 13. If you accidentally leave the hand carved, wooden, shaped like a willy bottle opener in another store – ovary up, swallow your pride, gird your loins, screw your courage to the sticking point and go ask for it back. Like, really.
One rule I can add from my experience at the NSLC: don’t arrive one minute before closing and tell staff, “Oh you can wait for me.” Maybe we can, maybe we cannot. With that attitude chances are we simply will not 🙂
Brilliant.
Every store should post this on every window.
Number 3 really disturbs me. This actually happens?
I can’t believe the ” don’t urinate ” in the change room. Really… some fucking pig would actually do that?
I would also add if you see 3 cashes open with a line up at each don’t go to the 4th cash and wait impatiently for someone to ring you in…get in the fucking line!
“One rule I can add from my experience at the NSLC: don’t arrive one minute before closing and tell staff, “Oh you can wait for me.” Maybe we can, maybe we cannot. With that attitude chances are we simply will not :)”
I hate the 9:55 wine shoppers that want advice! I have no sympathy for people whatsoever when the front door is locked at 10 sharp. You get there at 10:01 you can find your way to Bishop’s Cellar and learn a lesson in time management.
@notsoNTH and @STEPHEN…I have personally found 3 soiled diapers and 1 pair of jeans stained with menstrual blood in a fitting room so I can believe it happens.
TMI d_g, TMI
cute pup
Just more proof that Hellifax and its Hellians suck big time. So glad I no longer live there. Enjoy each other.
Sure is Donk, I was going to post it awhile ago, but Rosie beat me to it with Monty.
Jesus Christ, devil_girl, that’s awful. It makes me sad that there are people that gross out there.
People that do that shit should be stuck on a barge and shipped out to sea.
People are such gross fuckers. Working in customer service has certainly made me more humble and learn not to treat cashiers/fast food workers like trash. This is the kind of shit they have to deal with all the time.
That’s beyond awful devil_girl….
you forgot the most important one here o.p., don’t go til after new years. and you save yourself a whole lot of headaches. bah fucking hum-bedbug.
#5 kills me. People ACTUALLY come looking for 4 foot tall Santas wearing Souwesters and a kilts?
Man. You store employees see first-hand the hell in hellidays. You’ve inspired me, OB. When I go do my shopping I’ll make sure I profusely thank, and maybe even hug, each employee that helps me. Inevitably someone is going to comment and tell OB to find a new job, and the same goes for all stressed, overworked and underpaid store workers, but they’re the ones helping OUR sorry asses, so let’s bypass the douchebaggery and appreciate the ridiculously frustrating jobs they have.
/rant
===4 foot tall Santas wearing Souwesters and a kilt===
I’m getting tired of people shitting all over my belief system.
What used to slay me is how people would bitch at me about why the store wouldn’t open up any more cash registers and how inept they were because they didn’t predict it would be busy on a sunday. GEE, didya ever think that MAYBE we’re short staffed because NO ONE WANTS TO WORK IN RETAIL/GROCERY ESPECIALLY ON A SUNDAY? Stores don’t purposely understaff to piss you off. They do it because they don’t HAVE enough staff to be full staffed.
And you’d be surprised how many people just don’t show up for their shifts and don’t get fired. It’s that desperate in some stores.
The only beef I have with retail atm is all the line jumping I keep seeing. The other day I was in a store, waiting in line and this random was milling around, butted in front of me and the cashier took him first because “he’s been in the store a while”…yeah, and too lazy to stand in line like the rest of us. I told them to shove their product up their ass and left. And no, just because you’re a “senior” doesn’t mean you can butt either. Back of the line, granny.
You can never have enough pup avatars Hugo!
And can I add to the OP’s statement that everyone should also have to work in a restaurant or bar at some point in their lives…
aah it’s all good fun, watching what folks will do. mornin rosie/riley/monty
PK, do you find it ironic that people who do Christmas shopping are doing shopping on Sundays?
Heathro, I don’t think OP is a store clerk. I think I saw “I don’t work in retail” somewhere in the post.
BR, I agree. Everyone should have at least a year of front line customer service experience, not necessarily limited to restaurant or bar. Those who fail at front line customer service should never be allowed to be promoted to manager position and above! /evilgrin
He/she’s a former retail employee, so my heart still goes out to him/her and other workers getting shit on by the public at large.
if this bitch works in retail,i pity the store who hired her!
remember that the customers are in control of retail,not the stores!!!!But in typical halifax arrogance,we,the customers are herded,probed,questioned and if we do not follow their rules,we suffer the wrath from their main offices…shake your collective heads and demand BETTER RETAIL EMPLOYEES,not ones that are condescending,rude,and totally ignore you….stores shape up,open all your teller stations,especially around christmas and make shopping a fun experience,not a social experiment in torture
I agree, Heathro — they do get shit on quite a lot, which I really don’t understand why. I just don’t see why people feel the need to take their frustrations out on others — usually because they fuck up or can’t get their own way (should be great when the current little rug rats become shoppers since they’ve never heard the word no EVER and have a deep seated belief that the world revolves around them) and can’t man/ovary up to the fact that they’re responsible for their own misery.
And I’m convinced people haven’t grasped the concept that the nicer YOU are, the more people will want to do for you. It’s human nature. I’m more inclined to go that extra mile for someone who treats me well than someone who treats me like shit in my job, I know that for sure. Don’t get me wrong, I do my job properly for everyone, but I’ll be more willing to do something extra, perhaps outside my scope of responsibilities if someone’s nice to me.
halifaxmentor: you’re an idiot.
And obv you can’t read, because if you HAD read my comment you’d know that stores are generally understaffed and don’t have the staff to open another cash. Douchehat.
Typical entitled customer.
Or, just shop online. It’s cheaper and no stress.
I loved this bitch…it was disturbing at times. I worked in retail for 4 years through college, so I understand half of this bitch (I worked at a business type depot…so not the whole changing rooms stuff). I have 85% of my shopping done, just 4 people left and stocking stuffers, and then the odds and ends. I can’t wait to bake with my little guy and send out tins of goodies to the neighbours and co-workers. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”.
My pet peeve is when people bitch about retail employees by saying they chose to work in the “service industry” so they have to put up with asshole customers and their unreasonable demands.
I have news for those morons…you either work in the service industry or you are unemployed. Every job services someone.
@More … I meant to tell you earlier I liked your list of Golden Rules. My boyfriend and I take a vacation, just the two of us every 2nd year over Christmas instead of gift giving.
We don’t accept gifts from the family and we don’t give them any. If they do break the rules and give us a gift they are politely thanked and told how much “local charity” is going to love this!
On the years we stay home he has 7 family things to go to between Dec 23rd and 26th and I have 4. We do not have Christmas dinner together unless we go away and we don’t get to spend any time alone, just the two of us.
We suggested trading the holidays between the families but that caused such a fight over which place we would go to the first year we didn’t bother.
This year I will be relaxing on the beach in sunny St Lucia for the holidays!
We still get the guilt trip for leaving…his mom asked me this year what we plan to do if his grandfather dies while we’re away (his grandfather hasn’t had a sick day in the 15 years I’ve known him btw). I said that we’ll toast to him on the beach and that he’ll either still be dead when we get back or he’ll be a zombie and we’ll deal with it either way —
Grampy laughed his ass off and told me to aim for the head.
Looooooooove this bitch!
I believe i posted this…IMO…the best christmas carol there is or will ever be !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqfZUX5svCg…
That’s great d_g. My boyfriend and are going to Ottawa for a few days after Christmas this year for a hockey game and romantic retreat for me. We decided that would be better than trying to figure out what to get for gifts. Last year we started the trend with a trip to Montreal for a hockey game… so this year we decided to cut out gifts (except stockings for Christmas morning). I like it. But then there’s the rest of the family to deal with. His mom is particularly ferocious about us being around for all the events, but I think it’s important to be with my family too and spend some time together, so this year we may just lay down the law and pick and that’s it. We’ll see how that goes.
I love Christmas so much – I haven’t done a lick of shopping and probably won’t until mid-Dec, just because of $ constraints, but I shop at the market and small places downtown and in my hometown, so I’m not worried about the scenes OB lists. Thank god.
@More….OMG I have never heard that before. Love it! It’s going on my new Holiday CD along with “Christmas in the Drunk Tank” and “Mistress for Christmas” 🙂
I’m generally pretty apathetic about Christmas, to be honest. I’ve done a bit of shopping, though I don’t really have much to buy anyways. I usually just buy one thing for each member of my immediate family (mom, dad, 2 brothers), but this year I want to get something for my aunt & uncle too (probably collectively) because they helped me out a lot during a rough spot this year.
I have three people to buy crap for. My parents and my cousin (and her fiance, but they get a combined gift). I have my parents planned out (gifts put on hold today, just have to pick them up tonight) and I’m getting my cousin a gift card for her new condo, though their gift is for Hanukkah, so it’s gotta be sent this week. So…I’m pretty much done.
Suckers.
devil_girl I am pleased to meet someone with as twisted a sense of humor as my own.
My mother hates that song (my dad secretely loves it)
IT is my favorite christmas tune, other fav’s are Foamy’s Christmas rant http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJZjR7xyyWE
As well as the usual Grandma got run over by a reindeer, chipmunks roasting on an open fire etc ~:)
*mouse ears* Newt!