I’d just like to send a big shout out to the guy in my neighbourhood who feels it’s necessary to use his wood chipper at 9am in the morning on Good Friday. Is it not possible to wait until noon on the first day of a four day weekend to get out the industrial farm equipment and treat your neighbours to obnoxiously loud noise as they’re trying to sleep in, mellow out and enjoy their breakfast? Thanks again for the deep respect and consideration. —Let’s Meet for Coffee at the Wood Chipper

This article appears in Apr 21-27, 2011.

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39 Comments

  1. Reply

  2. Sorry OP. That nosy hippy came back telling everybody what to do sooooo- we crucifed him again. And just to make sure we ran him through the chipper. Enjoy your chocolate eggs.

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  3. OMFG…. heaven forbid dude started doing work outside at 9am…. Sorry we don’t all stay up til all hours of the morning and wish to sleep in until noon. Some of us have what is called ambition….. If everyone was expected to wait until you decided to lift your sorry ass from up off the mattress nothing would get done.

    Next time, take the necessary measures to ensure that people who wish to be productive on a day off don’t wake you up from the beauty sleep you so obviously need. Arse……

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  4. And if he did it later, some other bitch would complain “it’s keeping my baby awake”. Why should people work around your schedule? It may have been the only time he could do the work. From now on tell your neighbours to check with you before they do anything noisy.

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  5. I was thinking the same thing, 9 am isn’t really all that early. Shit if I got to sleep in until 9am any morning I would be stoked. Unfortunately I have little human alarm clocks that get me up at the crack of dawn.

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  9. I dunno, 9am *is* early to many of us. I would never think of operating a woodchopper or saw or anything else overly loud, on a holiday at 9am.

    Many of us are exhausted and the holidays are really the only time we have to catch up on some much needed sleep. I don’t think wanting to sleep past 9am is an example of someone lacking ambition. And if you’ve got kids waking you up earlier than that, well, you decided to have kids, and it’s not rocket science that they likely will wake you up early.

    I, for one, slept well past 9am on Friday. I have been absolutely fucking exhausted from going non stop over the past month and because I’ve had a hard time with my sugars over the preceding week so I could barely function last week. I didn’t set my alarm and just let myself get all the sleep I needed. I get my ass up at 5:30am every day and usually have to get up early on weekends to get shit done, so really, sleeping in on a holiday isn’t too much to ask for. Sure, I would totally sleep through this noise, but a lot of people can’t, and a lot of working people are as tired as I was on Friday.

    And yes, I realize some people do work in holidays, especially this past friday, but that’s not a reason to be assholes to those who don’t have to work.

    It’s just simple fucking respect. Waiting another hour or two wouldn’t’ve hurt buddy with the wood chipper. All he managed to do was alienate his neighbours, and not shitting where you eat is probably a good idea, overall.

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  10. .. I think it’s a little bit of:

    *wood chipper noise vrooom vrooom*
    Donk wakes up!
    Donk yells OH FUCK MAN!
    Donk stops for a second, looks at watch, goes meh
    Lays head back down for another 20 mins
    gets lazy ass up to eat some bacon

    The end.

    No frustration here, we roll easy.

    Chill.

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  11. My stupid downstairs neighbour was practicing on his electric guitar at 6am on Sunday last weekend >:O I wish he’d only start playing the same 4 chord songs at 9am…

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  12. HA. I lived with a guy in Ottawa who, himself was a decent fellow, but his mooching friend (who later got deported, heh) was a jerkface and this one week when I had the flu, the mooch decided to invite a bunch of hoes over to party, which included pumping up the bass on their stupid sound system in the room of which I shared a wall. Two things I can’t sleep through (or fall asleep to): snoring and bass sounds.

    I asked the guy to turn the tunes down and the mooch shooed me out of the room and was all “yahyah”… four hours later I decided enough was fucking enough, so I went into the den between the two rooms, turned the tv on alllllllllllllll the way and when they came out all “WTF, man, why you still up and why’s the tv so loud?” I yelled at them “I WAS TRYING TO SLEEP WHICH I COULDN’T DO OVER YOUR MUSIC THAT I ALREADY ASKED YOU TO TURN DOWN AND I HAVE THE FLU AND I NEED TO GET SOME SLEEP BUT I FIGURED IF I COULDN’T SLEEP I MIGHT AS WELL WATCH TV WHICH I HAD TO TURN ALL THE WAY UP TO HEAR OVER YOUR SHITTY MUSIC!”

    They got the idea, kicked the hoes out and apologized profusely for the rest of the weekend every time they saw me. 🙂

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  13. ====
    I, for one, slept well past 9am on Friday.====

    Things tough at the kiddie pRon factory?
    Whst!?

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  15. don’tcha just love these type “a” assholes. throw them in the fucking chipper, and then ask how they like the noise.

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  16. I’m guess the small child you fawn over’s name is Alissa. The “egg tree” is nice!

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  17. “Many of us are exhausted and the holidays are really the only time we have to catch up on some much needed sleep.”

    Haha PK… yeah, because “Jesus was crucified” for all those out there that work hard and want to catch up on rest every couple of months.

    Just think, if this guy and his wood chipper were both around some ~2000 years ago we wouldn’t even be having such a discussion… 😉

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  18. no, cause he’d be rich and a very desirable person if he had a wood chipper in 11 ad.
    he’d be the only one!

    OP…. “9am in the morning” … as opposed to 9am in the evening?
    I literally laugh out loud when people make that stupid mistake….

    and I’d gladly be awake listening to a woodchipper if I were home at 9am yesterday on an actual 4 day weekend.

    I should have had steak on Friday… just to spite jebus.

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  19. Some of us don’t believe in Jesus, horatio, you fool. But it’s not like these people can INSIST on coming into work. I know that I’m not allowed to be at work when there’s no one else in the building and there sure as shit wouldn’t be anyone in my building in on Friday. So even if I didn’t believe in Jesus (I’m not saying do or don’t) there’s no way I could’ve gone to work.

    And I mean, I’m pretty sure my Jewish cousin isn’t going to spend Good Friday worshipping Jesus.

    And I guess it sucks to be you, zed. Maybe try working somewhere where you actually get the holidays off?

    In the meantime, you two stfu with your “wah 9am isn’t early! I wish I was home to listen to a wood chipper at 9am! wah those who sleep past 9am lack ambition! wah Jesus was crucified on Good Friday so even though you may be a Jew or not believe in Jesus (my added emphasis) it’s awful to catch up on some rest that day!” talk.

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  20. lol – Too bad you don’t believe in Jesus (even though there is plenty of historical and anthropological evidence), I do, and Jesus is my buds 🙂
    I’ll say, “Jesus Christ, where’s my car keys?” – He’ll say “Right there.” – I’ll say “Thank you Lord”:)

    The attitude of “how dare somebody does work and disturbs my sanctimonious self-entitled peace and quiet” – pisses me off, other people have work to do, rather that cater to your spoiled rotten ass.

    For those of you out there who don’t believe in God, but believe that everything happens for a reason, or believe in fate, or that “is was written in the stars”, or kismet; care to explain?

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  21. Haha… saying one doesn’t believe in Jesus is like saying one doesn’t believe in Julius Caesar. There is plenty of historical and, one might argue, physical evidence to support the existence of such a man.

    Did he possess deistic qualities- now that’s another argument altogether. I’d sooner celebrate Caesar Day…. although I am sure the red, clamato-ey vomiting following the celebrations would be unpleasant.

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  22. Oh fuck you and your semantics. You know what I meant.

    I’m really not liking this new kinda-douchey jonno all that much, ya know. Please go back to not being a jerk kthx.

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  23. My word… you hostility is causing small holes in my zen-induced bubble. Good thing I have a zen-induced secondary bubble.

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  25. =====do you know how to play euchre wheeliepaul?
    =====

    No euchre, Painsis. Cards, right?

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  26. The noise by-law for holidays only applies until 9am I think. Sucks but shit happens, deal with it. Wait until construction season starts again and we’re tearing up your roads on all the non-stat holidays during the summer at 9am with a 30 ton Komat’su excavator and a half a dozen dump trucks, concrete saws roaring (and still not breaking any laws!)

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  27. you would be right, donk. and yes the tree was a neatidea, why should christmas, be the only one to have a decorated tree.

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  29. that wasn’t kerflunk’s… that was jonnoman’s…
    kerflunks was that stupid dog face morph

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  30. yeah wheeliepaul cards, hugo knows how to play. i suppose for you wacky young thrill seekers, it’s an old fart’s game^^

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  31. For those of you out there who don’t believe in God, but believe that everything happens for a reason, or believe in fate, or that “is was written in the stars”, or kismet; care to explain?
    ***
    i don’t believe in those things either hugo^^and you forgot the bad k word…i less than three your avatar tho

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  36. Literally cold.
    She has poor circulation.
    HiYooooooo!
    (high five)
    Don’t leave me hangin’, bro!

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  38. At least he takes care of his property and has pride for it’s appearance, and is physically active 🙂

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