I’ve never ever expected a free ride from you. I’ve done it all myself, put myself through school, got married (with not one cent from you), bought and saved for my own house with once again, no help from you… all by the age of 27 which I think is pretty good. While I am happy that I was able to establish such a strong sense of responsibility and independence at a young age, I’m floored, to this day, with how you can still make me feel like I owe you something. You just keep taking from me, and emotionally abusing me, even though all I wanted was to have a relationship with you.
I can remember when I was in university, you called me and asked to borrow $100. I had it yes, because I was working two jobs and paying and saving for everything. Shortly after that, I can remember you got a settlement from an accident you had and not once did you ask me, as a parent, if there was anything you could do for me, or if there was anything I needed, instead you went on vacation.
One summer I moved home from university, because I got a great job that paid good money, and needed to save for the following school year, and you made me pay rent and food, and also I had to pay for any drives to go anywhere.
Lately, you’ve blamed me for the problems that you’re having in your own personal life. You and my father also decided to help my husband and I when we had a lot of things to pay for last summer by giving us some coupons that you had for free tires that you said you wouldn’t be able to use, then months go by and all of a sudden you’re requesting $800 from me. I didn’t ask for anything from you, or for any help but I should have known the outcome according to your past behaviour.
When I was younger, you hit, me, slapped me, belittled me and have left me feeling self conscious in some ways. I find myself lying to people about how my life was growing up, because I’m ashamed. I love you, but I hate you all at the same time. —O.C.
This article appears in Mar 8-14, 2012.
Do you really think this is the place to post something so personal? Prehaps you should seek professional help for your issues instead of ranting online.
I’d take a break from them OP.. Don’t take their calls for awhile. Maybe someday you can have a functional and fair relationship with them but that time is clearly not right now.
That’s the LTWWB is for, Amy.
*sigh* OB….. I have no real helpful advice because I know how desperately you want to have a relationship with your parents….. the whole “I love you, but I hate you” is such a conundrum, and for lots of people out there, it really rings true.
Honestly, taking a break from them is your best bet. Any therapist would likely tell you that and if you have the ability to do so, DO IT!
Focus on your own little family (your husband, and kids if you have them). That’ll help put you in a good spot!
PK’s right, you gotta take a break. Your parents aren’t going anywhere, you can pick up the relationship where you left off a few months (or even a year) from now. I’d personally let them know why they’re being shut out, but that’s really up to you. You might feel better quitting cold turkey.
BIGGER issues here than money ….. yet, this bitch revolves around money ….. face the facts, it ain’t about the money, honey!
Greetings, OB. I was also in a similar situation with my parents and it took years of therapy and pain before I realized that some people are toxic and should be kept at a distance. I know this may seem harsh when we are talking about parents but poison is poison and something should be done. Be proud of yourself for all YOU did to better yourself. That was not easy, as I know and you should be proud of that. Also, when you have your own children you can strive to love them more and treat them better than you were treated. For my own situation, I didn’t disown my parents completely but I did keep them at a distance and I let them know when it comes to financial help, we are all struggling and I am unable to pick up their load. You just have to bite the bullet and tell them straight up how you feel and what you are willing and not willing to do going forward. Good Luck.
That’s tough, OB. I have no direct experience with this kind of thing (thankfully), but I agree with the other bitches. It’ll probably be hard, but distancing yourself from any sort of toxic relationship is good for you in the long run.
Good luck, I hope it gets better for you.
If these people were not related to you would you have anything to do with them ever again? No. You wouldn’t. Well, just because a person is ‘family’ doesn’t mean they get to treat you like shit and you keep coming back for more over and over again, expecting them to suddenly pull their head out of their ass and treat you with respect.
It will NEVER happen. So, knowing this you are left with two choices: accept it, establish boundaries and never let them cross them or severe all ties with them. You could find the cure for cancer, sold the Greek debt problem and feed the world and it would still not be good enough. It may be difficult telling them goodbye from your life, but its not as if they are adding anything to it.
Just like parents have to harsh with kids sometimes, kids sometimes have to be hard on their parents. Good luck OP
No one gets to pick their family. We do teach people how they are able to treat us and being an a dysfunctional family we are not very good at standing our ground with them. OP keep your family at bay or they will ruin your present life as well as your past. You don’t need to cut them off you just need to keep them so they don’t impact your daily life. People don’t change if that is what you are waiting for. Enjoy the life you have built for yourself.
Take a long peaceful break from them…..there is nothing saying you HAVE to like or talk to your family….also get supports to talk to, there appears to be years of entrenched pent up feelings that are no doubt legit……
congrats to you for all that you did by yourself for yourself! give yourself a standing ovation you deserve it!
we won’t even go there, you poor little baby.
Been there, done that, and then some, OB. Cutting all ties to my crazy parents & siblings, after 31years, was the best move I ever could have made, for my children, & myself.
I must say, now I have a peaceful, productive life, without the controlling crazies breathing down my neck & causing drama. Forgiveness is still beyond my reach, unfortunately.
I also have this ridiculous recurring dream about moving-every freakin’ night, always set in my parents house. Never any boxes or moving truck….always lots of clutter, and the feeling of panic…
So make sure you’re prepared to deal with your emotional baggage. My parents were mean jerks too, but you have to try to see it from their eyes, not that it makes it any better.
They can only give what they have(emotionally/physically), obviously not everything you want or need. They are only people, and being your parents doesn’t mean they are perfect.