To the apparently half retarded guy on the 1 the other day…I might be hot, but that doesn’t give you the right to stare at me the entire bus ride! I don’t know who you are, either, so why you waved at me every time I looked over to see if you were still staring is beyond me!
Get an mp3 player, or stare out the window, or you might find yourself immersed in a world of trouble next time…
This article appears in Apr 10-16, 2008.
Kay, I’m sorry, but you’re talking balderdash. You can’t make sweeping generalizations like this and reasonably expect people to agree with you. If you can correctly guess anyone’s intentions, about anything, in 15 minutes, you’re either psychic, or you live according to a grossly simplistic worldview.
Oh by the way KAY, I am a 6’4 black dude and weekly some silly white person stereotypes me and asks me if i play basketball. Cant a black man just walk the streets and not get asked that question? Every time i go to a nightclub, someone asks me to dance. Cant a black man just go to the club to drink? Every time I walk towards the mall entrance someone holds the door for me. Cant i open my own doors?My point, things like this are going to happen. The guy was just looking. This is something ANYONE with eyes can do. She might have felt awkward, but so what? The guy wasnt cranking his head, he wasnt peeping over anyone, he wasnt touching her. HE WAS JUST WAVING. Take your equal rights shit and shove it. This was some prissy pants making a stink because the guy wasnt some hot guy. I take bets that she would have written in the PSSST section “hey cute guy staring at me on the bus. I wanted to say hi but…..”
I’ve been a woman for more than 15 mins., Kay, and I’ve been wrong on more than one occasion about a man’s intentions. Actually twice I thought a guy was just looking for a romp, and it turned out they wanted marriage and a house…..you can’t group all men together, as easy as it would be.
The point is, we all know when we’ve “engaged” in non-verbal communication and both parties are responsible for the tone. If he’s offering and she’s refusing to “engage” that’s it! It’s done! The man will have to be more clever in his attempt because she’s blown him off. Guys, I’m not saying don’t acknowledge an attractive female, just don’t be rude about it. Be respectful.
pretty high expectations for someone that she is calling half mentally challenged. Will you chastize the mentally challenged for walking a bit slower in a moving crowd too?
Kay, and by frequently looking at him, was OP refusing to engage in non-verbal communication, or was she participating in the non-verbal dialogue? Refusing to engage would be to ignore the guy, not look at him, pay no attention to him. OP uses the phrase “every time I looked over,” so she certainly wasn’t ignoring him. In other words, is it possible that the guy thought he was merely flirting, and that she was flirting back?
I wanted to comment on the “retard” thing earlier but… If the guy was a little light upstairs that should’ve been obvious to the OP and some latitude given to the man. In this case a more defensive posture on her part would’ve been appropriate (get up and move) since her non-verbal replies of ‘not interested’ weren’t being acknowledged… and that’s what made him a retard, admit it!
Wow, Kay, now we’re labelling the guy as a “retard” simply because OP used that phrase? How can you reasonably expect someone to interpret a look from another person as a “non-verbal reply of ‘not interested'”? Again, could you at least acknowledge the possibility that the guy genuinely believed the OP was returning his interest?
*passes Mortimer a chill pill**passes Kay a shovel*Have fun kids.
Thanks for the chill pill, poop. It was yummy. Point taken. Sweeping generalizations based on minimal evidence always get me riled up.
Ah Jeez I can’t believe I’m doing this but…(meekly) I agree with the OP. Yeah, she sounds like a rude, self absorbed twit, but I’ve been in that position and it’s nasty. (For the record I don’t dress like a skank, either.) I wouldn’t group all men into one category, or say men in one city are more aggressive than in another, but when you’re sitting in a restaurant, or doing something you’re committed to for at least 5-10 minutes, having some lecherous perv stare at you without looking away is creepy and leaves you feeling really unsettled. It does happen.
qwerty why not speak up? Ive been in this situation before where at a bar and someone decided that i wanted them to dance with me. I am happily married and when an unknown man decides that he wants to dance without my ok… i simply tell them no thanks.. ifi see someone staring i ask ” hello! can i help you?” if they say their interesed i say no thanks..why sit there unconfortable at some person staring at you when in this country a womans word is worth something..a polite ” no thanks,” or “im not interested” or “im in a great relationship, im flattered, but no thanks”its always worked for me (hasent happened much, but when it did it helped)remember grade two? use your words!
Amazing, you’re all quick to attack the girl, but none of you at all, in all your years of living, specially the women, experienced it. Maybe she was trying to avoid confrontation, hence she didn’t say anything. You have no idea how the staring guy might react if she says something. No she shouldn’t have to buy a car, ride a bike or walk, she should be free to take the bus to whatever destination she pleases without feeling uncomfortable. She didn’t imply she was hot either, she was just saying that ok, let’s say i’m hot, that still doesn’t give you the right to stare and make me feel creepy and uncomfortable. You’ll are just so quick to attack the new posters! Ease up
get a car, wear a mask, bike, walk……… problem solved
Touch full of yourself, no?Maybe you had a booger and he was just trying to do you a favour. Sheesh.
Get over yourself, sweetheart.
if you didnt like it that much you should of said “can i help you?”
I bet he was waving at the person beside you, and (since you’re so hot and all), you thought it just HAD to be you.Newsflash: your shit stinks.Find a new problem.
Maybe, since you say you kept looking at him, he thought *you* were checking *him* out?
Homie, you go get fucked by yourmom, okay?Women who don’t want to be gawked at or treated like sex objects should… WHAT? Cover it up? Avoid the bus? Stay home? Cover their faces???? Wake up! This is CANADA! Women have EQUAL rights here. There are many countries where women are oppressed by society and I invite you, yourmom and The Homie, to go live there with your sisters and your mothers.Even if the writer was a smelly, dirty whore guys in this town would still gawk and in the rudest and most aggressive fashion! You don’t even have to be full-of-yourself-beautiful to know the Haligonian pig wants to fuck you (and doesn’t give a flying fuck if you’re obviously not interested). I’m new to this region and am completely shocked each time I’m out with my husband and men think they should come on to me while I’m hand in hand with my chosen lover. What’s wrong with you people?
Holy crap, Kay, it sounds like you have a bunch of unresolved issues that have nothing to do with the OP. Nice of you to write off all Halifax men in one fell swoop.
I’ve lived in many cities. By far the men are most aggressive here.
Wow Kay, take a pill. There could have been a lot of reasons the guy was looking at her. Maybe he thought he actually did know her. Or like poop said, maybe he was waving to the person beside her. Instead she just assumed that it must have been because she was so hot. And you want to talk about aggressive men here? Try living in a city in the middle east. They assume just because you’re a Western women you will freely open your legs.
Ok, so lets listen to Kay. Lets say she dresses super hot for her man. How in the fuck are we supposed to know that is for JUST her man? We dont. If you dress and think you are super attractive like the OP thinks, perhaps making yourself less appealing.And KAY … i hate to break this to you, the only way the OP would have known, is because she was gawking back and paying just as much attention to him.
You have to be a woman for about 15 minutes to correctly guess a man’s intentions. I’m not over-reacting and neither is the writer.So glad to NOT live in the Middle East and very happy to be Canadian where equal rights and common respect are a reasonable expectation. Forums like these prove there’s LOTS of room for improvement.
Maybe she was wearing her hooters shirt!
I’ve experienced it. I think pretty much all women have, in some way. It seems ignoring is the best way to go, not look back at him to check if he’s still ogling. It sounded from her post, like the OP thinks she’s hot shit. Obviously the “I might be hot” part of her post would give that away.
my first comment was more an effort to let her know that her ego needs to be in check. For the record, it takes 2 to know that someone is staring. You cant just guess this, or make repeated eye contact. I have given you SPECIFIC examples of things that bother me or make me uncomfortable. I just have to learn to deal with it.Pretty much like when i go to some of these small towns in Canada for work and I am the only black person in the ENTIRE town. I know people are staring. I know there is going to be some chicks that have always wanted to be with black men and look at me as a sexual object simply due to skin color. I have to accept this. Its part of being who we are. It takes a stronger person to not make an issue of something so trvial as being looked at. As i pointed out, they were sitting ACCROSS from each other. The person never said a thing, made a lewd sexual gesture, or touched her. I would let up on a new poster, but i am new myself.
I’m curious to know why Coyotex thinks the OP is a new poster?
K, so, I think I know the guy that the OP is talking about, and if it is the same guy I am thinking of, he really is mentally handicapped. He does it to me all the time. All you need to do is smile nicely and say hi and possibly even wave back. If it is bothering you, there are many more seats on the bus, you can move to another one. Why is it that immediately you assume the worst about a person? Ever heard of plain ol’ being friendly? It’s not like he was trying to wave his hand right down your pants so calm the fuck down.
The fact that the OP was sitting across from the person on the bus means that the guy who was staring probably had no where else to look without purposely staring in a different direction. I know that I’ve been on the bus many times in awkward situations where you are just sitting looking out the window across from you, but then a person sits there, and what do you do? You feel creepy just looking ahead, at them, so you have to find where to look where there isn’t a person, which can be hard in a bus full of people.If the “looker” was even remotely mentally challenged, he wouldn’t have the thought that he wasn’t allowed to sit and look in the same direction without being awkward.At the same time it would be hard for the OP to sit facing this guy who is staring at her, and not occasionally look at him, because they were facing each other. So her eyes may have wandered back in his direction, which doesn’t mean she was staring back at hime either.
I think it would be helpful if the OP chimed in and clarified a few details.Naturally if the guy was non-verbally harrassing her, staring in an uncomfortable manner, she has a point. On the other hand, if he genuinely believed she was responding to his glances (she admits she looked at him several times), she doesn’t have a point. Were they sitting opposite each other, as People Are Stupid believes (although the OP doesn’t say they were)? This is an interesting thread. Depending on how you read the OP, and your own personal prejudices, either the guy was being a jerk, or OP is being a jerk, or it’s all a misunderstanding.
I ride the bus almost every day, and I will be on one in 30 mins. So I definitely know the feeling. Only I generally end up trying to avoid the gaze of the teenaged girls who are ready to jump at you for looking at them.
Anyone find it odd that it’s the teenage girls that seem to be worst for that kind of stuff? There seems to be a lot of “attitude” with the females of that generation. I’m used to guys being the ones with the “what the hell are you looking at?” attitude.
Miles, unfortunately, yes. It’s disgusting behaviour, but it usually doesn’t last too long after they either mature a little, or get it smacked out of them by someone who won’t stand for that childishness. About a month ago i was on the bus with a couple of little loud mouth twats like that. The two of them were going on and on, (pretty much yelling) about how they wanted to beat this person and that person, and how noone ‘fucks with’ them, until a bigger girl got on and they both shut right up. It was magnificent.
No, you’re right, Miles. It’s weird. When it happens to me I can’t figure out whether they deliberately treat every inadvertant glance as an invasion of their personal space, or whether they’re just in a lousy mood. Fact is, when I’m on a bus I can’t help making eye contact with strangers. Sometimes those strangers are of the opposite sex, and sometimes they’re attractive. Doesn’t mean I’m staring at them, or hitting on them. On the other hand, is there really anything wrong with looking — not staring or ogling, just looking briefly — at someone of the opposite sex who is attractive? Isn’t that the natural human reaction, in the circumstance? And is anyone really going to deny that some teenaged girls, especially in the spring and summer, dress as provocatively as they can? Yet they are the ones who, if you happen to glance in their direction (which is the natural human response), are most likely to react as though you’ve just spat on their shoes. There is a difference between ogling/leering/staring and a simple, casual look. Too many people confuse one with the other, and take offence where none is intended or warranted.
I wish I was attractive, so people would look at me and I could tell them to piss off. Honestly, what a bunch of hypocrites are people like the OP: I’m hot, look at me, but don’t look at me.
“People are strange.”
I don’t know about you people, but this does happen to me too; and when it does, I can almost feel that I am being stared at…Sure, the ‘I might be hot’ part of the bitch seems a little much, but I tend to feel uncomfortable when someone of any sex stares at me for a long time…My eyes too cross the path of the starer’s, but I find that if you notice them still staring after the second time, I just make it clear that I am uncomfortable and it tends to make it stop…have you considered trying that?
Joe:Look: good. Stare: bad.Dressing like a skank: asking for negative attention. Being healthy, having naturally symmetrical features, being clean and presentable, and just doing what you need to do to get by as best you can: not asking for it.
About 95% of all people can’t keep eye contact for more then 5 seconds, without feeling awkward.Are you sure he was staring at you, and not the bodacious brunette beside/behind you? Maybe you were just caught in the crossfire of their magical moment.
Good thing I don’t deck the little deaf guy on Barrington when he mouths to me “I luvvvvv you’. I gave the guy a toonie about a year ago and he’s been my ardent admirer ever since. Then again, maybe he gives me the finger after I walk by.
Qwerty: Agreed.However where is the dividing line between a look and a stare? How many seconds constitute a look, and how many a stare? (I don’t buy Fox Force’s 5-second assertion. Where’s the proof to back it up?) Isn’t it true that what one person calls a stare, another might call a look? And vice versa? And let’s not forget that many people (myself included) tend to “zone out” when on a bus, or in other similar situations: we may appear to be staring at someone or something, but in reality we’re not actually looking at anything at all. Simply having one’s eyes pointed in the same direction for a certain length of time doesn’t mean the person is staring.
“Simply having one’s eyes pointed in the same direction for a certain length of time doesn’t mean the person is staring” But looking constantly and waving would. I don’t know what the exact cut off is when a look becomes a stare either….but i’m pretty sure the duration of a bus ride constitutes stare.
Joe: It was just something I had read somewhere once. Don’t count on it being accurate. I agree with you, too: On the zoning out thing. I can honestly say I do that ALL the time. and I sometimes end up ‘staring’ at random people, even though I’m not.
Hey, Fox. Thanks for the clarification on the 5-second thing.
There are inherent, obvious differences between glacing, looking, staring, and zoning out. I don’t think I need to list them. Staring is creepy, uncomfortable and unsettling. Everything else is A-OK.
Qwerty, I promise I’m not being argumentative just to be a jerk, but I’m not sure I agree with you on the inherent differences. Sure, any doofus should be able to distinguish between a glance and a stare, they’re at opposite ends of the spectrum. But between a stare and zoning out? Or even between a long look and a stare? I’m not sure the distinction is so obvious.Speaking of spectra, it’s kind of like the difference betwen dark purple and black: you say it’s one, I say it’s the other, and we’re both right, because we each use different criteria. (Where is the line between dark purple and black? Can we agree on a definition that is precise enough to allow us to agree which it is?) Also, there’s the intent factor: if someone’s eyes are pointed in your direction for an uncomfortably long period of time, but there’s no malice, no intent to make you uncomfortable, does that qualify as a stare, or as some as-yet-unlabelled sort of look? (The “accidental stare,” maybe?) I’m just wondering.
Joe, I guess all I can say is you know whan some creepy perv is ogling you. It’s obvious. I could get into the semantics of it, but I’d prefer not to. Some things you can just kind of feel.
I’m relatively sure I know exactly who you’re talking about.I take the 1 rather frequently and see this man too. For the longest time I would ignore his smiling, his staring, and his waving. But one day I stopped ignoring him, smiled, said ‘hi’ and all he did was smile back and say ‘bye’ to me when he got off the bus.He did not take off my pants. I am not carrying his child. He did not make lewd remarks (nor was his staring ever ‘lewd’). And the staring ended after I acknowledged him. And you know what? His smile was so lovely it really brightened my day.And for the record, he waves to everyone on the bus. Even my 58 year old dad!So my dear….
Funny I get accused of staring when I zone out listening to my mp3 player on the bus. You’d think the ear-buds would make it obvious…
This morning, my bus was one of the ones with the long row of inward-facing seats on either side. They filled up pretty quickly, and at any given time half the people on one side looked like they were staring at half the people on the other side.There were two people who you’d swear were staring at each other, but I’d bet neither of them was even aware of the other’s presence. I didn’t see anybody ogling or leering, but it’s awfully hard to tell which kind of look is which.
I was in the elevator at the hospital once, during the summer, and so I had a low cut shirt on. This old guy and his son were on the elevator with me, and the dad was very obiously staring down my shirt the entire time. Then just as the doors opened he very loudly said “I was just looking down her shirt!” to his son, who was mortified and scolded at him, but I just laughed and walked away. At least he was honest, and he wasn’t doing it in an aggressive way, which I think is the most important distinction. I look at girls boobs when they’re huge and sticking out, but I’m not doing it and then making inappropriate eyes at the girls after, or saying lewd things, I’m just looking. And generally when girls wear skimpy clothing, they want to be looked at, they just don’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable by the looking.
By the sounds of this gal (OP), she reminds me of someone I used to know that thought everyone was starring at her everywhere she went because she was soooo hot! Chances are the OP isn’t as hot as she thinks she is, and people really aren’t always starring at her!
A friend of mine is like that. She says that every time she stops for gas and tries to pay at the pump, the debit console is always out of order. Her ‘theory’ is that the guy working inside just wants a chance to talk to her, so they temporarily disable the debit machines so she’ll have to go inside to pay. It’s pretty funny.
Haha thanks for the approval of my name, Matt :DPulp fiction rocks.But, the OP might be right on the whole staring thing…It happens quite frequently to me when I ride the 1 across the bridge…there’s normally this one guy, tanned skin, squinty eyes, dark hair, always on the bus, and when he sees me he just sits there and smiles, and when i look over at him, he gets this huge grin and looks away…then proceeds to do the same once i look away… It’s an obvious stare, but I’m sure he’s only doing it to be nice…maybe?