Dear tanning salon, home of all the desperate money hungry spoiled bitchy house wives..
I dont like you. You’re pretty pathetic actually.. you say “my heart wasn’t in the job” well I’m GLAD!!!!! I’m sorry I don’t wake up and live to clean tanning beds and wash and fold your little white towels. To place candies oh so perfectly in the middle of a pillow. To sell bronzing lotions to leathery orange cougars. To ensure all the tanorexic anorexic lame excuses for women each get their daily dose of cancer. To make superficial small talk with cake faces on their way to the gym.
I’m happy I’m gone, I dont even know why I entertained you for a second. You don’t deserve me. I’m sorry for even giving an inch of me to you. I’m done, and I’m happy, and I am proud to say I dont even wanna LOOK like my heart is in any of that. ‘Cause you know what, it’s not anymore. You had a good girl, good to the bone, and you picked her up and spat her out for 1 reason only, I’m real, and in a fake world, i guess that just doesn’t cut it sometimes…
So long sucka! Hope the beds burn your store down. —the big “LESSSSBIAN”
This article appears in Nov 18-24, 2010.
Orange cougars! ROAR!
Orange cougars – easy, stomach.
omfg your boss told you: “your hearts no in it” bahaha that’s rich that is 🙂
Maybe you weren’t polite to the orange cougars. Sometime people want really chipper type employees. How did you get the job in the first place? And can you really be fired cause your hearts not in it?
Mmmm…”leathery”. Would that be cougar jerky?
Is this the tanning salon within walking distance of the harbour? The one owned by an absolute bitch? Also the one where the same lone towel is used all day long to clean all the disgusting sweaty tanning beds? (Ugh, wretch!)
Just wait until a) the orange cougars look like relief maps of the Sinai Desert printed on poorly tanned rhino hide and have to inject their simpering faces with deadly neuro-toxins so you can tell they’re condescending to you or b) the government decides that , like cigarettes, tanning salons are something that the child-like public need to protected against, just short of outright abolition.
OMG, you’re pissed off because you wouldn’t do your job? So why the fuck did you take it in the first place if it was beneath you. With your fucking attitude, good luck getting and keeping a job. I doubt you even know how many people you’ve pissed off with your holier than thou attitude.
To those in thankless jobs, cleaners, maids, guards, fast food people, a big thank you for making mine and others lives more enjoyable and easier.
Unfortunately I see a lot more people in their 20s and younger that are the orange ones. Apparently there may be new laws saying you must be 19+ to tan which I think is an alright thing, but I don’t think it will sink into people’s thick heads that tanning is actually bad for you. Getting a “base tan” before going down South is BS! Any tan is putting you at a significantly higher risk for cancer. But, like smoking, people will do it anyway (not trying to get all anti-smoking, just comparing). Young ladies out there who use tanning beds; you ever see those women in their 30s and 40s with really bad skin that makes them look older than they are? Like that dry looking redness that never goes away? That’s from years of just tanning in the sun when they were younger before tanning beds were so popular, I can only imagine how terrible you will look in your 40s as tanning beds are much stronger than the sun on your skin. Although I will enjoy seeing all the “popular” orange whores at my high school that would make fun of how pale I was when they’re 40 :D. Call me crazy but I think the prettiest gals are the ones with nice, pale, smooth skin and dark hair 🙂 not those bleach-blonde orange clones.
I really don’t get the crazy tanned look either. I’m with melectric – I think pale skin with dark hair is a pretty combo.
I can’t believe how many people live in tanning salons, or lay out and cook in the summer. Their skin is going to look like an old boot by the time they’re 40.
leathery orange cougars – I think they’re called sabertooths
“I’m sorry for even giving an inch of me to you”
o.O
I keep picturing OP cutting off their pinkie and giving it to the boss…
how big are you sweet thang? just fucking with you hon. yeah, you re right though about bitchy wives and tanning beds. i have known a few of these type of fickle bitches, and wish now that i didn’t.
I don’t know how I feel about tanning beds, but exposure SUNLIGHT is definitely not a bad idea. People are way too scared of big, bad ultra-violet light.
Getting sunlight increases damage to and even the chances of cancer of the skin, yes.
Getting sunlight (and therefore Vitamin D) also DECREASES the chances of EVERY OTHER KIND of cancer. Oh, and skin cancer is more treatable than most of the others.
Go ahead, stay indoors or slather on that sunscreen. Nevermind the fact that we spent most of the last 2 000 000 years under the beating sun 12 hours a day!
Fun fact: This advice goes double for those with dark skin.
nothing wrong with a tan… ALOT wrong with where these women take it. and bro tim.. if you have a problem with the bitch dont read it! its a bitch column.. what do you expect?? freedom of speech is how this country rolls last time i checked
…and no rickets! which are making a comeback in the uk
Something else to add to “The Big Book Of British Smiles” *Narf* Mornin’ Painey – Howze the bellhouse today?
not bad, off to the shop in a bit. i can’t shirk my duties^^
you are all f-d up….but have an awesome sense of humour…except for Bro Tim….who seems to be taking it all a bit too seriously…
Tim, Lighten up, you’ll feel better about life methinks..
I will give you props for… “To those in thankless jobs, cleaners, maids, guards, fast food people, a big thank you for making mine and others lives more enjoyable and easier.”
I can’t echo this sentiment loud enuf!
Have a great day peeps!
JL
bk you’re right so STFU, I’m exercising MY right to free speech. Gotta love assholes who use freedom of speech to try to shut others up. I say let people say whatever the fuck they like. It’s the best way to find out who the idiots are. I’d rather someone openly say they are Neo nazis, racists, etc, then them hiding it so we know who they are.
hahaha its cute youre so angry over one persons opinion tim
ps LOVE YOU JL!!!!!! <3 (its b) 🙂
Why would you choose to work there in the first place, then? Surely you must have had some idea of the type of folk that go there: tacky, orange slags.
Way to go!
I sear some places just don’t know how to treat their workers.
And I believe in this case the tanning salon made a biiiiiiiigggg mistake.
“leathery orange cougars – I think they’re called sabertooths”
The real life Victor Creed Ladies of HRM!
“I think the prettiest gals are the ones with nice, pale, smooth skin and dark hair 🙂 not those bleach-blonde orange clones.”
hahaha melectric, the most hilarious thing is, this is what she looked like when I knew her. She was, and is far from being real. Yet, I still and always will love her.