Listen here, Mr. FWB. Lately I’ve been performing the unmentionable act on you without you returning the favour! You used to do it, but you’ve stopped. Why??? I am clean, hairless, and STI-free. So WTF is your problem! You can’t even bother to trim yourself up and sometimes you smell like goat cheese in that area, yet you expect me to give you a suck every time we hook up! The other night, I went down on you, then 15 minutes later you push my head near your crotch, wanting me to do it again! Uhh hello! How about I grab YOUR head and put it near MY crotch, so YOU can go down on MEEEEE!!! I’ve had it up to here with you. You need to realize it’s not all about you. Your penis is not going in my mouth until my pussy is in yours again… Got it?! —YOUR Turn to Do it to ME!
This article appears in Apr 12-18, 2012.
Man, that’s gotta suck.
*shrug* he has a girlfriend and doesn’t want her finding out. That shit clings..
better tell the goat boy to start stretching, then he can do it himself
You should just follow through with your plan. Then, Problem Solved! Grab his ears, direct the poor lost boy to the buffet, and wrap your legs tightly around his head…
Oh, and remember to let him up for air every couple of minutes.
Repeat until he gets the point.
rookie mistake…
always let the guy put in the work first… just to be sure.
it sucks being all relaxed and then having to hold your breath.
Do unto others what they have you do unto them ……..
Now, about that goat cheese smell ……. and ya did the deed anyway? WTF?
do you have an oral fixation op? chew some gum and buy a vibrator
this goes both ways its not always the guys that wont reciprocate
If some Billy Blowjob pushed my head towards his crotch 15 goddamn minutes after the first suckie-wuckie, he’d get a fucking chomp he wouldn’t forget.
hahaha, *billygoat blowjob*
Where’s the Suckster, he will be all over this.
umm… why would you even go near if he smells…
The least he could do is wash off the smegma first. Did he give you some wine to go with that (fromunda) cheese?
Step one: shove boy on bed/ground.
Step two: sit on his face.
There you go.
ah, life sucks to the rescue o.p., come and pay me a visit, or better yet, i can go there. hair, no problem, no hair, again no problem. i aim to please. you know the addy. go for it, what you got to lose?
OB, three simple words:
1) come
2) to
3) Biscuit.
BUT WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?
Passing by the question as the the proper etiquette to be observed when engaging in fellatio or cunnilingus, the prior question is why do people do it at all? Given one’s normal genital equipment which one would think satisfactory both for sensory and reproductive purposes, why do people put themselves in these odd positions? My theory is this:
(a) Cunnilingus – this is obviously an uncontrollable desire on the part of the male to return to the womb. It indicates a deep estrangement with the world outside and a concurrent need to re-enter that warm, wet, world from which he was so cruelly snatched.
(b) Fellatio – the female, as the old saying goes, is the more deadly of the species. Think of the female spider who actually consumes the male after copulation. My thinking is that in the act of fellatio the female is symbolically consuming the male. In the mind of the female the two orifices of ingress – the vagina and the mouth – are of equal symbolic (if not reproductive) worth. Like the male spider, the human male stupidly looks forward to an activity which, at least symbolically, spells his demise.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
All together now:
“Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me
I’ll sit on your face and tell you I love you too
I love to hear you oralize
When I’m between your thighs
You blow me awayyyyy
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I’ll sit on your face and then I’ll love you tru-ly
Life could be fine if we both sixty nine
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places
And playyyyyyyy
‘Till we’re blown a-wayyyyyyyyy!”
Orrrrrr, it could simply be because, and I’m simply taking a stab in the dark here mind you, (pardon the pun) but, ya know, maybe it just FEELS GOOD?
But yeah. No, you’re probably right.
Find a new hook up!
Wow MM, I was hoping that just this once, a mouth full of pussy could be just that, a mouth full of pussy. Apparently that’s not the case, you have to label everything in some weird psychosexual analytical way. I bet you’re a real hoot in the sack, and the after conversations must be a real treat for your “other”, where you analyze their performance and choice of pleasure. I bet “he” (judging by how tightly wound you are, I’m assuming you’re a closet homosexual) has to ballgag you so you won’t spoil the moment.
——-
Uhh hello! How about I grab YOUR head and put it near MY crotch, so YOU can go down on MEEEEE!!!
——-
Uhh hello! How about you grab HIS head and put it near YOUR crotch, so HE can go down on YOUUUU!!!
Seriously.
He sounds like a bad and ungiving lover. Go find some nice wheelie boy who will show you how the cow ate the cabbage.
Wp
hey sweetie, plus you don’t smell like cabbage or a goat^^
DO PHILOSOPHY AND ORAL SEX GO TOGETHER?
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (April 17, 10:25AM)
“You have to label everything in some weird psychosexual way. I bet you’re a real hoot in the sack…”
Well Stephen, “weird” is a rather prejorative term that many would question. They might even use the same term themselves having the misfortune to witness your gradual suffocation between the enormous thighs of your current lover. But you implicitly raise an interesting question: Do philosophy and oral sex go together?
Oral sex, perhaps even more than the regular variety, presupposes a complete “loss of self” in the moment while philosophical reflection, at a minimum, requires an intense focal awareness on the flow of one’s reflection. In other words then, are the two – philosophical reflection and oral sex – fundamentally incompatible activities?
You might want to discuss this with your lover after she has sat on your face Stephen or, alternatively, after she has dined in spider fashion on your willing body.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
AMEN sister
Dump the doufuss. Unless you wanna nother blue cheeze blowjob
Zed hit the nail on the head (snicker). The guy has to go first. As enticing as your cheesecake may be, one might pass if they have already had a big helping of coconut cream pie.
you know what pisses me off the most? people coming here, such as the o.p., all whiney and wanting a good time, then not following up on an invitation to such. well now ladies, if you don’t get what you need at home, then you know where to find it.
if you don’t want an outside tryst, then why the fuck would you come here, are your heart, then not even bother to check out the deals that are put to you.
yeah, i know, i’m an old skin hound, but hey, i do deliver on what i say, and no one has complained, EVER. but live your dull little non exciting lives in sex, and if you want difference, then you know where to find it. i will not bother to respond to any more of these bitches, no matter how enticing they may be. you know my addy.
Is that all you’ve got, MM? Insinuating that my wife is fat? What’s next, a “you had sex with my mom” joke? How mundane and unoriginal.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (April 19, 8:36AM)
“What’s next, a ‘you had sex with my mom joke?'”
Good morning Stephen. Well, I wasn’t insinuating that your wife was fat – actually I referred to your cunnilingus partner as your “lover” – but it’s just a mental picture of those males who regularly engage with gusto in that sort of activity – a look of panic sweeping over their faces as they begin to realize that they are about to be suffocated under the weight of their lover’s (wife’s) enormous thighs. Always good for a laugh, Stephen.
To be honest, Stephen, I have never heard a “you had sex with my mother joke” – it’s not the sort of humour in which I ordinarily engage as you can readily imagine – but nevertheless I would appreciate it if you would pass one along. Of course, the quality of your humour will be graded.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
well you know he’s not original…
all he does is spout off about ‘some psychosocial guy who said this’ or ‘according to dead douche, this is the meaning of that’…
“Because everything you assholes say, you fucking take from books. Guess what? I don’t steal anything from books.”
RSVP
: Angry EggzZz (April 19, 9:16AM)
“Because everything you assholes say, you fucking take from books. Guess what? I don’t steal anything from books.”
Well, it looks like the half-wit is back up, this time with another typically stupid rant. Just a couple brief points since the half-wit’s attention span is very limited.
(1) If everything I say is taken from books, can you name ONE? No, I didn’t think so, you half-wit.
(2) I was going to ask you where, if you don’t “steal” anything from books, you get your ideas from but then it occurred to me that you don’t have any ideas. Do you know why? Because you’re a half-wit and being a half-wit is what it MEANS not to have any ideas.
(3) I do wish you’d stop calling McNasty and Xeno “assholes.” That’s a violation of common courtesy, you half-wit. I don’t violate common courtesy in calling you a “half-wit” because that’s what you are, a half-wit.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
“They might even use the same term themselves having the misfortune to witness your gradual suffocation between the enormous thighs of your current lover.”
Perhaps I misunderstood your pedestrian attempt at humor, but that “insinuates” a fat lover, IMO. Bravo for the attempt at retraction though, better luck next time.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (April 19, 12:59PM)
There was no “retraction” there Stephen since, as it happens, I never retract anything I’ve written. So your “opinion” was just, um, wrong.
But two points: (1) Are you prejudiced against fat females, Stephen? Do you want to publicly announce your revulsion here and now? I can think of a few commenters who might want to take issue with you. (2) I’m still waiting for my “you had sex with my mom” joke. Or do you view incest in the same light as fat females, Stephen? Better get on the ball or the fur is going to fly.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Pretty lame attempt at redirection if I do say so myself, MM. I have no prejudice towards “fat females”, as you so affectionately refer to our curvy ladies of LTWWB. How about you try and not put words in someones mouth to support your childish arguments, it just makes you look like a desperate half wit.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (April 19, 5:07PM)
Stephen, you know as well as I do that there’s no room to put anything else in your mouth. There’s no space left over!
Now, let’s hear that joke!
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Ummmm…yeah…. Stick to being a knob, humor isn’t your strong suit.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (April 20, 8:19AM)
“Stick to being a knob, humor isn’t your strong suit.”
Good morning, Stephen. An interesting observation which contains two as yet unsupported presuppositions: (1) You know of what humour (I prefer the English spelling) consists and, (2) You know the manner in which I have failed to satisfy the criteria required for its minimal expression. Let’s start with (1).
The Concise Oxford Dictionary defines humour as, “n. State of mind, mood, inclination; facetiousness, comicality, jocose imagination, less intellectual & more sympathetic than wit.”
Well, there we are Stephen. You’ve got a lot on your plate. Time to start digging in.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
*YAWN* You bore me, MM. You take life waaaayyy to seriously to capture my full attention.
PS; try to use one dictionary consistently, your constant substituting one for another makes it look like you’re shopping around for the definition that suits your purpose best.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (4/20, 6:03PM)
“You bore me, MM. You take life waaayyy to (sic) seriously to capture my full attention.”
Good morning Stephen. An interesting sentence. One wonders what WOULD capture your full attention. Some mindless buffoonery? Or is it rather a question of just what your “full attention” might consist? As you probably don’t know, boredom is invariably the mark of the stupid man.
You might try using the dictionary yourself, Stephen, if only to discover the difference between “to” and “too”.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
*yawn* simple clerical error. I’ll be certain to send out my rough drafts to the proofreaders before my subsequent posts. Quiver a little empty?
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (4/11, 1:45PM)
Unfortunately the proofreaders can’t help you too much with your stupidity, Stephen.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
That’s your final word, MM? Very disappointing, a little pedestrian for someone who has such a diverse educational background, and professes to be under the “intellectual” moniker.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (4/21, 6:54PM)
Good morning Stephen. Well, no it’s never my “final word” since, even in intellectually impoverished cases such as yours, there may be the faint glimmering of possibility. No matter how unpromising the material with which one has to work, one must always hold out hope.
To that end, Stephen, would you be able to specify just how you found my last post “very disappointing” as well as “a little pedestrian”? Aren’t these correlative concepts, Stephen? Aren’t they directly linked? In other words, would it make any sense to say “a little disappointing” but “very pedestrian”? I don’t think so Stephen, but I await your instruction on this point.
And “the ‘intellectual’ moniker”? Any chance of unpacking that one?
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!