I saw your mug appear on my computer screen and you seemed nice if a bit old. Your dating profile read you had your shit together and you were looking for a relationship. You asked me out… to the beach, then you drive me out to some desolate location and proceed to waste two hours of my time telling me your depressing life story. Then at the end of it all, you decide to disclose that you actually have a girlfriend! I know you have nothing better to do with your Sunday afternoon, you geriatric wrinkled-up mutt, but I do! You managed to take me on the cheapest date possible, I know you probably enjoy your boring Sunday drives and sad monologues, but it totally bummed me out not to mention wasted my time.
Do you not know what women go through for a date. Here’s a little run down on what I invested in this little charade of yours: New outfit, hundred something bucks; mani/pedi, $50; two hours with my hair in a roller set; two hours of nodding while you drone and I brought drinks for us for the beach. You did nothing. Not even scrub the dry scales off the heels of your nasty old man feet. Then I get, “Oh I’ve actually been seeing someone.” What is WRONG with you, you stupid old fuck?
I can’t believe how you were oblivious that you’d even done anything wrong. The only reason I gritted my teeth and didn’t tell you off, was because I didn’t want to be left stranded. I don’t know what mid-life crisis you fell out of, well actually I do—because you wouldn’t shut up the whole time. You need to get the fuck over yourself and your dated ugly ’90s Mustang convertible and your crow’s feet-riddled smug face… If you actually managed to find someone to fuck your wrinkled ass, you should be so lucky and stop secretly baiting women online. I could care less how rough you’ve had it, asshole. You’re nothing but a washed up CREEP, not even good enough to lick the dirt off my shoe. —You Probably Have Saggy Balls Too
This article appears in Jun 7-13, 2012.
Finally, we get the other side of the story when a lady goes on a date with Suckers!
OB, aren’t you the stupid one. First wasting money on a new outfit and nails on an internet hook-up. Are the clothes you already have and nails really that bad? Second for being stupid getting in a car of someone you don’t know. Third, cheap on his part? Do you have any idea how expensive gas is?
Online dating’ll learn ya quick. Meet these gems at the restaurant next time, girl…. Order up! And if they suggest splitting on the tab, just excuse yourself & go to the bathroom
& never come back!
I hope you at least tell someone who you are meeting before you leave, not that it matters if they use a fake name.
Op, people with saggy balls have feelings too, ya know.
Sherry? Is that you?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.…
Isn’t it amazing that some of these old people still haven’t figured out stuff like “don’t be depressing as fuck when you first meet someone you’re trying to impress.” I find that pretty amazing. Then again it’s online dating.
Was this the guy?
http://theconsummate.files.wordpress.com/2…
You guys certainly know how to go for the low-hanging fruit (no pun intended).
I beg to differ Agent 195. I do believe that your pun was absolutely intended, and with malice aforethought.
You got a new outfit and your hair and nails done to go to the beach. In Nova Scotia, in June. And let a guy from the internet you just met drive you to a desolate location(and Jesus from how prima donna you sound if it was just Point Pleasant or some shit, fuck). You’re dumb, and might be fucking lucky you just ended up broke. Be happy he was just sad and annoying, and you’re not in a hockey bag.
Hahaha you discovered my clever plan, Admiral. 😛
Why on earth would you agree to get in a car and drive to a desolate location with a COMPLETE STRANGER?!?!?!?!?
Holy fuck there is so much wrong with this bitch I don’t even know where to begin – luckily, other commenters have done it for me.
…and whats wrong with saggy balls??? all the better to teabag you with my dear!
OP, you deserve a Golden Twit award – first off, you blow money and time on some old fart, then you don’t meet him at a Tim Snortin’s Doughball Emporium or some other PUBLIC place – holy fuck, you flunked Dating 101.
You need to watch a couple of seasons of “Criminal Minds” OP. He might have seemed nice but you could have ended up in his newly renovated sound-proof dungeon.
sorry you fools, not the suckster. when i take a lady out, it never ends that way. by the way wheeliep, red’s real first name is debbie, and she is an ex of mine, but will be dear in my heart forever.
now then, if you had an inkling as to this dude’s personality, why the fuck did you bother to get your princess dress all frittered anyway. you peole take the fucking cake. if you are that desperate to be on a date site, then what the fuck do you expect? there are no true honest men out there, believe it or not. they all keep a few things back til the meet up, really. yes, i am guilty there too. but no, i will divulge all in due course, the same as i’m sure the other party would, hopefully.
we all have skeletons hidden away, that should stay there, and wait til right time to jump out. females are no different, they have baggage too, sometimes a lot. we just have to wade thru the chafe to find the answers, which shall come to us all, in due time. maybe the dude did have a womaan too, yes, but was he happy with her, and she with him? there are a million things we would like to know, but why blow an otherwise nice trip to beach, to get all bent out of shape. and i bet that was the nudie beach, right o.p., the only place in metro that is at least half exciting. by the way girls, hold up on emails, i can’t get back to all of you. seems a lot more people just read this site than comment on it, maybe not.seeing as i have never met all the ladies here yet, i wouldn’t really know for sure, just have to take your word on it. in closing let me say this. EAT YOUR FUCKING HEARTS OUT, US OLDER GUYS, ARE A MUCH BETTER FUCK.
Testify, Suckster!
It’s true! I like my boys to be quite old, like 25.
Then I’m almost like two 25 year olds, better than twice the fun.
I feel really bad for the OB.
She obviously never had parents or anyone else who cared for her enough to teach her
YOU DON’T GET INTO CARS WITH STRANGERS ! ! ! !
That’s like part of the first rule you teach your kid’s ! Don’t talk to strangers, don’t take candy from etc. etc……
jesus OB, how lucky are you ,to have even survived this long
Tru dat, OB—I hate to pile it on after the drubbing you’ve gotten from the peeps, but keep in mind that Michael Rafferty met plenty of women on plentyoffish and someone posted here that she’d gone on a date with Gordon Nickerson one week before that bizarre crash/kidnapping incident; she met him on an internet dating site!
Put the word out among your acquaintances that you are in the market and see what they might have for you. At least this way, your dates will have been ‘pre-screened.’
Speaking as a proud member of the world’s tiniest minority, Old But Nice Men Who Have Their Shit Together (O.B.N.M.W.H.T.S.T. – we meet monthly in the last functional phone booth in H.R.M.) I can assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with saggy balls. You can’t exactly do the old “Arabian Goggles” when your pouch is tighter than a Scotsman’s sporran, now can you?
Perhaps the “girlfriend story” was his polite way of dealing with the fact that you just didn’t do it for him – manicure, pedicure, rinse & set notwithstanding. Contrary to popular belief we are not all so driven by the need to climax that any old hole will do.
Well said Ivan. Sorry I missed the meeting, I was helping to feed the poor.
I was thinking the same about the “girlfriend story”….must be true if we both thought it 😉
OB – If I’m meeting someone for the first time, and they show up in a new outfit, all manicured up, make-up done to the nines, hairdo, bling….I’m going to think “high maintenance”.
Speaking as an “old man”, I’d rather see the “real you”, not a facsimile.
Wow, and people wonder how that Picton dude was able to fill up his pig farm for so many years without getting caught.
In all fairness, Cranky, most of those girls were prostitutes.
Equally if not more likely, Ivan and Hugo, he sensed that she wasn’t into him and used that to try and save face.
Too true, Tommy.
Anybody see the ep of “Criminal Minds” that was loosely based on the Pickton case. It even took place in Canada. Freakin’ creepy. >: 0
WTF OP Sunday morning drives are the best thing since whipped cream.
i’ve seen them all, commander
I can still make SOBova laugh whenever they have an episode with young women being held captive, just by saying in a girly voice “OMFG, I HATE IVAN’S DUNGEON”
*Disclaimer – I am well aware of the fact that I am going to hell. No need to bring it up again. >: )
see ya on the sixth level^^
oh my god this was hilarious.
If it makes you feel any better, most people you meet online have some sort of problem. At least all the ones i’ve met 😀
Chin up babe. You are clearly intelligent and sound like a cool chick. You dodged a bullet.
—–
by the way wheeliep, red’s real first name is debbie
—–
Yes. A real gentleman.
What’s her last name, “Mr Don’t Kiss and Tell”?
(eyeroll)
Wp
Orgasm, prostitutes are usually more careful than people on “I Met My Soulmate On Pick-A-Slut (M, F, or T)”.
You look a bit like isoceles_kramer ,crayons. Are you? Just curious.
Getting into a car with a stranger isn’t so dangerous, especially if you can defend yourself. It’s really difficult for someone to abduct or kidnap you while driving a car.
Lisababe – Please tell me that you’re being facetious.
know what paul, fuck you with sebastards little dick.
After you’re done with it.
Hi Sherry!
Wp
See everyone Sunday at the Summit!
Even Seb will be there, right PK?
Wp
Gee… I got into cars with strangers all the time recently… That was wrong? But I thought East Coasters were all trustworthy… Why did someone not tell me? :/
It’s interesting how even Zilla and MoMan are invited to the Summit, and one of the Old Guard is welcome to go have his own Summit with Red, Sherry, and the other Mythical Beasts.
Sebastian’s dick was delicious, by the way. Thank you for reccomending it!
Flavour *and* texture!
Wp
Don’t forget smell, Wheelie, never forget smell.
I agree Lisababe and even harder when you’re riding a bicycle.
I hope you’re there Sunday, TTFN. Miss you!
Wp
She’d better be. It’s her “turn”, if you take my meaning. *nudge nudge* Vastie better show up too, or we’ll know that he loves his new motorscooter more than us.
You guy’s having another summit.
I’m having the whole famn damily out for a feed of BBQ meat, ( the pigs going to slow cook right off the bones, guaranteed) home baked slow cooker beans, c onthe c & all the salad type trimmings.
Hopefully the dogs get along as well as the kids do 😉
When you have a large family, you just don’t have time for anonymous internet friends & to make time usually ( I know it does for us) means cutting out family time.
I hope you have powerful toilets and lots of TP, More.
i get both, strange fictional family and stranger real family. plus we’re having a *staff meeting* tonight
Hey, Wheelie, somebody’s got to whiff up your first layer of neck skin – I’ll be there fer sure, buddy.
I’ll exfoliate for you!
See everyone tomorrow.
wp
“Staff meeting” that’s a euphemism for something kinky I’m sure…. wheelie probably won’t shower just to throw us off… Roooo 🙁
nothing kinky, lots of libations and larfs
I wanna be a staff member!
you already are, we just won’t pay you…not with money anyway
Sweet! I’ll take it! 😉
excellent, you know fall under the umbrella/protection of la famille
cough *now*
Does this mean I have to do dishes? :/
nope, no toiling is required. your job is to keep things jocular
THE SUMMIT: OPENING CEREMONIES
After the anthem and the introduction of distinguished guests, Biscuit has kindly volunteered to read selections from my past comments which, collectively, I have imaginatively entitled, “A Pleasure As Always: Cheerio!”
After the readings the assembly will break up into small groups to discusss the philosophical ramifications of the best three selections determined by previous vote. Marks will be awarded on the basis of tight logical structure, depth of philosophical analysis, and a suitably eloquent style.
Good luck and Godspeed.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
http://rlv.zcache.com/who_let_buzz_killing…
Clear of eye, sound of mind. Cloudy of urine.
He lives in the sticks and probably has well water and a septic tank.
http://www.gifsoup.com/view/1271203/duck-h…
Ha haha!!! Hey… Wait a second… :/
It otay Rosie. We don’t automatically associate your name with with ricketts, incest, banjo pickin’ and ruined canoe trips.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km42CG26GZM
Well you probably should… I could tell you some tales of my family that would curl your hair Ivan… And Hubbards is a wee bit on the red necky side. See y’all in a few hours kids!
Depeche Mel….when my kitchen sink drains it sounds like there’s a vacume sucking the water down the drain. my system works that well.
I also shop at Costco…in answer to your TP comment ~;)
My youngest granddaughter is going to help me mow the lawn today, I promised in a moment of weakness. Hopefully she gets bored in a couple of passes, but we’ll see . Gotta go, my honey needs a hand & people are going to start showing up around 1……
It would be an honour to perform such a duty, montrealman!
Awesome summit, fellow bitchers – Ivan’s gift was the pièce de résistance – Hub-Unit, Kid-Unit and I giggled with delight at your terrific creation – many thanks, good buddy. As usual, had a delightful time with the best of company – lovely to see you after so long, Rosie, and to meet the Captain – PK, love the new look – Wheelie, your scent has a velcro effect on my nostrils – a great time was had by all, including the moms, I hope.
it was a rectangular table for the ages, and zee hound had a grand time too…woof
Ma had a WONDERFUL time. I think she’ll be joining us again.
T’was a summit for the ages. Loved it.
And Captain: all I can say is ME-OW.
‘Twas great to see everybody again and to meet some new people as well. I quite admired the Keptin’s choice of shirt.
Epic Summit! Ma is in love with you all… Especially PG, The Bear , Hugo and Wheelie, although she is still asking me what “Teabagging” and “Motorboating” are… :/. The Red October baffles her a little but she did say how nice everyone was. “And you met these people online???” lol!
Epic summit, from the ceremonial “Burning of the Existentialist in a Wicker Man” which opened the festivities to the post-prandial Blood Orgy after coffee and Cohibas.
Bitchez Momz be hella kule and Keptin has landed among friends.
Hey Summit goers I have bet with Ma… how old did you guys think she is?
In all logic, older than you? 😛 Your ma was quite the lovely one. Better hope for your easily-blushed self that she doesn’t google the little things about motorboats and tea bags. 😉
haha, she did didn’t she, that end of the table was quite bawdy. rosie, as to your sweet ma’s age, my nana was 49 for years, until i finally clued in. you’ll have no guessing from me, your ma is a peach
You guys are costing me money!
Uncle Ivan — I thought your head was going to pop off when I mentioned the farmville requests. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
This was one of the great ones, guys.
AND I HOPE VASTIE ISN’T DEAD!
See? This is the only drawback of a rectangular table… I would have paid large sums of money to see Ivan’s head almost pop off!
His head was a red as the kool aid man!
Kinda like mine went then… Well at least I was in good company, even if it was for completely different reasons!
That’s high blood pressure for you, although it must be said that PK’s comic delivery can frequently send me into hysterics. The farmville comment was too perfect. That Kool Aid Man complexion is going to last a couple of days since I joined SOBova and her friend on the balcony of the corner of celticness for a few more libations in the hot sun.
That was a good summit! Glad I could finally put some faces to names. Your mom was a trooper Rosie, great lady! Unfortunately I didn’t get the chance to chat with everyone tho, it was a bit of a party yesterday.
Thanks PK ;), I’m glad I was a hit! And Ivan, great work on the original art! Very cool
Orgasmatron I’m glad you noticed the shirt, I was wondering if anyone else would have picked up on it.
Pleasure to meet you, too, Keptin!
Ivanski, your sculpture was lovingly reglued to completion by yours truly who brought said valuable to work this morning. The guys all had a great howl over it and I’m still giggling like a royal inbred.
Rosie, man, it’s scaring what we have in common – the graphics background and the love of writing – too cool for words! And Painey, darling, I hope the ol’ back’s feeling better. You need 14 greyhounds with hobnailed boots to step dance on the ole spine – massage therapy at its finest!
You guyz iz da best. You too ‘Zilla. One way or another, you WILL be at the next one. >; )
You’re welcome keptin. I’m probably going to start shamelessly hitting on you now, so be prepared for that. *wink*
IVAN. Holy fuckbags don’t ever stop coming to the summits.
AND OMG ZED WILL YOU JUST FREAKING COME TO A DAMN SUMMIT? I never get to see your sexy face anymore and that saddens me a bunch. 🙁
Also: a game of musical chairs should be in order at some point in the meal. I missed the folks at the other end of the table, although Thomas, Mel, Bread Lady and Ivan are ALWAYS a delight.
Haha, that’s not an unfortunate fate PK. Just as long as you don’t make SHIT-Devil Jealous 😛
I’m also an advocate for ‘Zilla making a public appearance. Someday I’ll have to meet the Man (Woman?) who taught me everything I know about Trolling (I’m attempting to ‘butter you up’)
Yesterday was a peach.
New Guys- very nice to expand our SquareTable by two! The moms were awesome. PK your mom and you look like teins, in the best possible way! And Rosie’s mom was a great lady to sit beside. I trued to lessen the F Bombs, but I did talk of motorboats and teabags…
Glad everyone had fun.
Zilla- you’re up next, dude.
Come hang, put some faces to the names, and go back to trolling. You would be very welcome.
Wp
Well, I hope this isn’t too forward….
But….
I’ve gotta ask…
When’s the last time YOU were motorboated, Wheelie?
Teeheehee.
I can’t troll effectively if people know what I look like. I’d have to go legit and stop dicking everyones mother if I wanted to start being part of the LTWWB team.
“Con Sonar Crazy Ivan!”
I’m not adverse to attending should I be alive, awake, and available at the time requested to do so, face intact or otherwise.
sadly I was busy this past weekend and not the fun kind of busy either.
It’s ok, Zed, but with the lack of bus rendez vouses, I’m a little disappointed.
I’m sure you can understand that.
😀
“I vould like to have seen Montana”
Oooh Ivan!
Rosie and I have a top secret mission!
Screee!
pk – Hate to break it to you….it’s not a secret anymore 😉
Does it involve finding where Seb lives and shoving potatoes up his tailpipe…and then sabotaging his SUV? You crazy kids, what would your Moms think about that.
Shit. Way to ruin the secret part of the mission, Ivan.
And hay: my MOM came up with the idea.
And hugo: you shut your whore mouth! 😀
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfe…
Yer average Ruskie doesn’t take a dump without a plan, son
Just my bawls, PK.
Sherry did it, with that big juicy mouth of hers.
Wp
And I think the mission is still secret PK… Hugo is just busting yer chops
“We’re going to kill an old friend, Yevgeni. We’re going to kill Ramius”
You arrogant ass, you’ve killed us
“A whale Sea-MAN Beau-MONT. A whale. A marine mammal that knows a helluva lot more about sonar than you do.”
rosie, you got a mobile^^hay wheelie, you owe me buddy, big time *cackle*
One halflapdance coming right up, Painey!
White collar and black bowtie work for you?
Wp
(you saved my arse, thank you!)
i didn’t get much face time with you, so a friendly chat will suffice
I’ll let you borrow mine….
http://ncfp.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/co…
so you can have some privacy
“Who ordered the stripper?” LMFAO >: ) I can still see the priceless expressions on the faces of the bridal party in the elevator at the Lord Nelson. WheeleiP is quick on the draw.
haha, i loved that show http://rlv.zcache.com/get_smarts_this_is_k…
Shit Ivan, if you guys were later out having a few drinks @ the Celtic I should have dropped by. I basically live a five minutes walk from it.
Wheelie, had a chance to indulge in them vids? 😉
Cripes, I should have asked where you lived in Dartmouth. The more the merrier. >: )
http://www.rozario.com.au/rozario_files/Ge…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwQoF105RO4…
Ivan: I gave the bride something to visualize on her wedding night!
Maes:
Ho
Lee
Shit.
The tower climbing freaked me out completely.
If you hVe a stash of these, hook me up!
Please.
Wp
tower climbing?
had to be this clip…
it’s about as insane as they get…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgO4Gd4RhvM
re: I would do this job in a heartbeat.
I love heights.
Ma gone home… she says goodbye and it was lovely meeting all of you.. especially Wheelie! 😉