Now I know why they call it “Deadmonton”

I could write a Love for Halifax, but since that’s already been done ad nauseum because it’s such a great city, I figured I might as well write a Bitch about the complete opposite of Halifax, a crappy shit-hole of a town known as Edmonton. So-called greener pastures took me to this ugly, depressing dump of a city four months ago, lured by the promise of good work and good money. Now I see why they need to pay people so much to come here, and realize I should have listened to everyone’s advice when they told me not to come.

First of all, the city is DEAD after 6pm. Everyone clears out of downtown into their cars (since everyone drives) and gets the hell out of there, leaving it to all the homeless, drunks and junkies. The only people who use the LRT are bums and gangsta-wannabe teens.

Secondly, why the hell are there so many crackheads, hookers and homeless people here? I thought Alberta was supposed to be the wealthiest and best province in Canada, yet Edmonton is full of them. Many parts of the city, especially just north of downtown, are too dangerous to even go to day or night. Nothing in Halifax compares to the sad state you see some parts of this place in.

The so-called normal people are either too stuck up to even give you the time of day or too depressed to even notice you. People here are rude, unfriendly and unhappy, plus they dress horribly. Mullets and jean jackets are still “in” here. I guess money really can’t buy you happiness or fashion sense.

The city is ugly. FUGLY! There are more parking lots downtown than actual buildings, yet the city keeps sprawling out. What the fuck? And north-east Edmonton is one of the most rundown, depressing neighbourhoods I have ever seen.

People drive like idiots, always running red lights and never letting pedestrians cross the street.

All the bars and clubs suck. There’s nowhere to go to find good, local live music with friendly people like you can almost anywhere in Halifax. I checked out a place just off Whyte Ave a few nights ago which is supposed to be good, but it was full of more skanks and jocks than the Dome and Palace combined!

Shit here is expensive! The cost of living is sky high. Food is the most expensive, but gas to drive your big pick-up truck or SUV (or, oftentimes, crappy rusted out Chevy Cavalier) is cheaper. Too bad I can’t eat gas!

Fuck Edmonton and fuck Alberta. Don’t make the same mistake I did, my fellow Maritimers, because no matter how good the money may seem it’s just not worth it. This is simply an ugly and over-rated province full of ignorant, closed-minded white trash. I don’t even care about the money anymore, I just can’t wait until I can get the fuck out of here and back to good times in Halifax! —Missing you, Hali!

This article appears in Apr 29 – May 5, 2010.