Why do people look at me like I have two heads when I tell them I don’t want to ever be married and have children? I’m in my late 20s and perfectly fine with being single, only having flings, at the moment. When I’m in my 30s, I’ll settle down in a long-term relationship with a guy who’s right for me. But I don’t think getting legally bound to that person is necessary, and I NEVER want kids.
I’ve told many friends/relatives/acquaintances this and they all look at me funny and are like: “Reeeallllyyy???? Don’t wanna ever be married to that person??? No kids?? You’ll change your mind…” Um, no! When I was 17, I had decided to NEVER spend thousands of dollars on a wedding and be legally tied to someone and to NEVER pop out a kid… people then also said I’d change my mind… 10 years later I still feel the same way. If I was gonna change my mind, it would have happened already.
And to all of you people who say all the good decent guys out there wanna get married and have kids, and that I’ll die alone unless I’m willing to do one or the other or BOTH: Fuck you! Where do you get that info from? Why is being married and having kids the be all and end all?! Maybe some of us rather work on our careers than put a ring on our finger and shoot out some spawn. Is that so fucking horrible? To tons of people, it is, apparently.
PS. I’m willing to bet that I’d get more “CONGRATS!” comments and what not on a Facebook status if I announced I was preggers or engaged than if I announced that I was starting a brand new (high-status) career with a credible company. — Independent Gal
This article appears in Feb 16-22, 2012.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have a family. But I totally see your side of things and I am quite envious. Enjoy yourself. Jealousy is behind most of those peoples thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. But had I not shot a couple of “goals” past the keeper, I would have a lot more freedom in my life.
You only live once. Do it YOUR way. Don’t do what you think people want you to do. You only have yourself to answer to at the end of the day.
It’s your life OP have at it, the last thing this world needs more kids born to a mother or parents who don’t give a shit about them. There is enough of this already.
It’s not the be all and end all and I agree you can live you life the way you choose. However, I am so over this whole argument, the “Imma live my life my way” chest pounding … who you tellin’ boo? ’cause no one’s really listening but you.
Just do you. Damn.
… and my “message” is the same to the people who go on about having a family etc.
… I will say though build a circle of people around you to support you (children or lovers or extended fam. or whomever) because the fancy job on the top floor of I’ve arrived tower will not always be there.
… this is a site to post frustrations … so at the same time I understand you may be releasing some steam from something you just heard or whatever.
I can understand your frustration with people’s reactions, OP. I’m okay with marriage, but am very much on the fence about children. I’m not sure I want to have children for a variety of reasons (the state of the world, environmental resources, the changes it brings to your relationship – with yourself and your partner – and so on). If I voice the possibility of NOT having children, I get the same “What? Why not!” or “You’ll change your mind!” (sometimes from people without kids of their own!). I don’t react to someone’s pregnancy announcement with “Why would you do that?” so why should they react like that to my thoughts on the subject? People are weird.
..swm(no kidz,never married)..n 50’s=best case…umm gay;worst case=sketchy loser freak… 🙂
JERRY: Why do you invite these women over if they annoy you so much?
ELAINE: They’re my friends, but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.
JERRY: C’mon, you want to have a baby.
ELAINE: Why? Because I can?
JERRY: It’s the life force. I saw a show on the mollusk last night. Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile just for a shot at another mollusk. You think you’re any better?
ELAINE: Yes! I think I am better than the mollusk!
KEVIN: I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying.
ELAINE: Oh, I’m sorry.
KEVIN: No, no, I think I agree with you. I mean, all this talk about having babies.
ELAINE: Yeah, like you must procreate.
KEVIN: Besides, anyone can do it.
ELAINE: Oh, it’s been done to death.
Correction: “sketchy loser freak” who by his own admission makes a lamb osso buco TO DIE FOR! If it was legal, I’d marry you. (and by “legal” , I mean bigamy, not the, uh, other thing – not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Two Seinfeld references in a row…love it. Thanks Colonel-Admiral-Sir.
Independently made Seinfeld references, at that. The pleasure was all mine lovely Lady of the Oceans.
It’s good to know what you want, OP. Women finally seem to be noticing that Lifetime, W, and Oprah have always been peddling crap when it comes to that “you can have it all” business. It’s damn hard to have a big-time career and family. Hard for men, even harder for women.
But remember this: choices have consequences. Your relationship pool is already limited to guys that don’t want marriage or kids. And since I’m guessing you don’t want to be somebody’s stepmommy, that narrows it even further. While it may not be true that women over 40 have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist then getting married, the odds still aren’t that great–even if you substitute marriage with ‘long term shack up.’ So you better realize there is a strong possibility you won’t have a long term romantic partner.
Second, be damn sure you have that big career–cause you’re going to need the cash. Given the pending collapse of the welfare state (partly brought about by our collapsing birth rate), there’s gonna be nuthin’ for you when you’re old and sick. I’m seeing it with my childless great aunt and uncle. They’re not broke, and the system’s is still kicking (sort of), but it’s still unbelievably awful when you’re facing it on your own. If it was me, I’d be planning a one way trip to Switzerland for my 80th birthday.
Third, you need to accept that most people value family more than an individual’s career. Maybe it’s because there is evidence that suggests being married makes women happier than having a good job. http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2006/06/01/g…
That may not be true in your case. Regardless, not many people will care if you become a CEO. Or a judge. Or the world’s best doughnut maker. That’s got to be the thing that’s most important in the world to you.
So my advice? To thine own self be true. Go for it. But walk into it with your eyes open.
I’m glad I found someone who also does not want kids. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you. Sure, there are times when we think it’d be good to have kids, especially when friends are getting their new ones, but the notion goes away as fast as it comes. Rock your life, it is yours, afterall.
Same boat as you OP, though I might like to get married to the right person, someone to grow old with and all. The most annoying reaction to the not wanting kids thing is “oh, but you’re exactly the type of person who SHOULD be having kids!” Yeah, you’d think the whole not wanting a child would exclude me from that description but no, apparently not.
It’s easy to get along with kids and be that person who is “exactly the type of person who SHOULD be having kids!” when you know they’re fucking off in a couple of hours.
I can honestly say that I have never wanted children. I knew, even at a young age, that I was not the mothering type. I’m rather selfish and value my own time. Also, I can’t imagine spending hard earned money or free time on something other than myself, my husband, my dog, my cat, and my fantastic thrice yearly vacations to a warmer climate! I work hard and have great friends and family, who have provided me with plenty of nieces and nephews to amuse myself with (if I so choose) I have become the Aunt that gives the great gifts! Not once so far, in my 43 years, have I regretted the decision. It has, on occasion, crossed my mind that someday I will be old, sick and/or alone. Of course, having kids doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be anyway, but I suppose it would lessen the chances. So I guess if that does occur, it will just be me, and the dog, and the warm Florida sun to enjoy in my last days. Doesn’t sound so bad, does it? The beauty of it, I think, is that I can’t possibly miss what I don’t have. I have had Mothers say to me many times that they don’t understand how I can live without that bond, that connection, that feeling (insert words of love here lol) that must come with having kids. What bond? What connection? See what I mean? I don’t have a fucking clue what the hell they are talking about. Seems like a lot of time and money to spend on an iffy “hope he/she doesn’t turn out to be a major disappointment”. I dunno…just go with what feels right for you, and stop taking things to heart that stupid people say. They are hardly worth the effort to explain yourself to. As long as you are happy, that’s really all that matters, right?
..thanx your colonel-ship for your gracious offer..frankly I’m good being single(i did have a 6 yr common-law once)…I’ve lived/worked all over the country..couldn’ve done that being “responsible” what-ev..and who knows..still got a few..rounds left in me..:)
i’ve been saying i don’t want either kids or marriage since i was 14. it’s still not that long again being i’m only 22. But I have plenty of kids around me. My first neice was bron when i was 9 the last born when i was 19. I love them with all my heart and give them whatever i can. Hell I even raised my little sister for a year as if she was mine. It just doesn’t interest me to have kids. Marriage… I don’t want to feel so tied to someone. You can be with someone forever without it I don’t find it necessary. I’m happy where i’m at and who I’m with. Luckily he has the same views as me.
On the flip side, there’s nothing wrong with those of us who DO want to get married and have children but won’t because we have cooties and no one wants us because we are gross.
There’s nothing wrong with having cooties and being gross.
“As long as you are happy, that’s really all that matters, right?”
Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t that the motto for the age of Aquarius? Somehow, I figured “Not Nice” was a baby boomer (or close enough) even before I saw her age.
people are driven by fear, op, they have no imagination
I wanted to be married, a nice home & have children.
I met someone who said they wanted monogamy & the same things.
Then many years later she changed her mind. But instead of saying so, she started spending less time with & treating her family as if they were a burden.
This took place gradually over time getting harder & harder on the children & myself. Finally anything to do with, or for us, was too difficult.
So OB, if you really feel the way you do. You stick to your opinion & do what you wish & I hope , truely hope, you have the happy & successful life you want.
Because if you try to make yourself into what others expect of you & when you finally bail & do what it is you really want to do, the harm to children & your spouse can take years to overcome, if ever !
you are absolutely right o.p., not everyone wants that shit. and so as i said before to so many others, let’s just fuck our brains out, and not worry about the marriage thing.
and by the way ladies, i’m fixed, so no kiddie worries from this end, just putting that out there, pant, pant.
Good choice. Everyone I know who’s married is miserable. I’m sure they love their kids, but that a headache I too plan to avoid.
… you know … I hope my parents don’t think of me as gum on their shoe forever keeping them from soaring, because some people make kids sound like cement shoes.
Not too fond of kids … but awwwww dey so cute … when I can return them to their owners.
The Suckster has had a Vasectomy for over 30 years, and he STILL takes the phone off the hook on Father’s Day!
Kitty: freeze yo’ eggs
OP: Aesop has 2 sisters. One is really nice, and one is a seven-sided bitch. The nice one always wanted children, and when she was 25, she and her husband had a daughter. This woman did everything the ‘right’ way. She’s a very good mom. And the little girl? a clone of the seven-sided bitch! Really! she is selfish, nasty, cruel (she can’t have gerbils anymore, b/c she pulled their tails off)
When my niece got pregnant (at 19 w/no boyfriend), I was in favor of termination. When I told nice sister in law this, she said “Let me call her” I gave her my nieces number and she left a message I will never forget. She said “I always wanted children, especially a daughter. Now I have a child, and despite doing everything the way a good mother is supposed to, my daughter is such a personal disappointment, I will never have another. I have given up my time, my money and my whole life to raise this child. Yet I look at this child and ask where did this child come from? If I knew then what I know now, I would never have had a child.”
So, don’t worry, OP. Don’t brag about it, or anything, keep your reasons to yourself. If someone asks you where your kids are, say “OMG! I left him on the bus!” (assuming the strike ends soon)
Xeno: I have trouble believing someone who leaves a “you should have an abortion” voicemail is that good a mother.
So don’t believe it. Fuck do I care?
OB: Hell yes!! Thankfully though, my girlfriend and I are of the same opinion on marriage and children. We want nothing to do with either of them! We’re in our early 30s and some of our friends have kids, others don’t. Some are married, some aren’t. The ones that have kids, will always say “You guys will change your minds”. The ones who don’t have kids, but want them will say “If you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids”. It’s amazing how people who choose to have kids hold themselves so much higher than those of us who choose not to. Whenever someone tells me “Oh you’re not having kids? You’ll regret that later in life.” I simply respond “You’ll regret having kids”. 🙂
Yeah, people are surprised when they find out my age–you look so young! they say.
No kids, I say.
I’m kinda with Beancounter here, Xeno. How well do you know Aesop’s sisters?
I know/knew people wo are just as sweet as sugar, oh so nice, and kind and helpful…in public, but behind closed doors it a different story altogether.
Well, you’re not officially grown up or can be considered an adult if you don’t get married, move to the suburbs and have children. HAH. I agree with everything you say OP! I don’t want children. I haven’t since I was 5. It pisses me off when people say “Oh you’ll change your mind!” Actually, for that to happen, my entire personality and life goals would have to completely change. Unless I develop a drug addiction, I don’t see that happening. I don’t want to get married either. I’m not religious or insecure so I don’t see the point to screw my future self over like that. I don’t even like being someone’s girlfriend. Luckily it only took like 5 relationships to figure that out! I just enjoy absolutely everything more when I don’t have another human to worry about. I don’t often get lonely as I can find things to do and I have great friends and a lovely kitteh :D. I actually agree with what Not a Nice Girl says too!
Hmm, if the Coast’s readership (and the like-minded) self-sterilizes, I suppose it’s good news for guys like this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_Santorum
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitt_romney
http://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.com/art…
I count 15 spawn between ’em. You better not be counting on that social safety net!
I know them, K? They’re my freakin’ sisters in law.
The good sister never hit the brat, she always had time out-Just like on Super nanny-had to talk about why she had time out and other choices and end with a hug.
She started teaching her sign language from an early age. When her husband was cheating on her, she left him, went back to school and now is a surgical nurse-yes ALL THIS while she was raising her daughter by herself and by the book. (As every childless person who thinks they know more about raising kids than parents do, I was watching with an eagle eye to see where she blew it -she was flawless-)
The other sister is a different story .This one wore a short black lace dress and acted disgracefully at my wedding reception. Last Xmas, she gave Aesop a ticket to Spamalot and she gave me a ‘wallet magnifier.’
When ‘good sister’ had an FWB, bad sister took him away (something she has done several times in the past). She still hasn’t forgiven me for not allowing her to bring some random guy to my wedding 20 years ago, and still announces that when she gets married, Aesop won’t be able to bring a date…She is a nasty bitch, OK?
She was raised by the same woman who raised Aesop and Good sister, yet she is evil, conniving and spiteful…
And Good sister’s daughter is just like her. Truth.
I don’t expect much from someone who IDs as a beancounter, but Hugo, you should know me better than that…(insert frowny face with boo-boo lips) ☹
OP you are my female equivalent. Fuck the haters. Its your life, live it how you want.
Xeno: frozen eggs aren’t really that viable unless they’re fertilized before being frozen.
And I’m starting to accept the fact that I’m an awful human being who will end up all alone.
True story!
*mumbles* we need a fucking summit fucking soon *mumbles*
“Look at me Look at me! I’m special, too”
= “I’m jealous of the attention my preggo friends are getting on FB”
OB: do your thing (I wish more people, not necessarily your type, would avoid having kids). But don’t be surprised if the sheep are surprised that another sheep is trying to be an ass.
Xeno: So nice Mom doesn’t resent the kid that she had with douchebag Dad? Doesn’t look at her as a reminder of where her life went wrong? Doesn’t see her disability (if that’s why she was being taught sign) as another thing she has to put up with? Maybe the kid even reminds her of the years of crap she got from the 7 faced bitch.
I’d say there’s a lot of personal pain in that voicemail. But it ain’t really about the kid.
“I’m not religious or insecure so I don’t see the point to screw my future self over like that.”
lol, what a generalization.
“”I always wanted children, especially a daughter. Now I have a child, and despite doing everything the way a good mother is supposed to, my daughter is such a personal disappointment, I will never have another. I have given up my time, my money and my whole life to raise this child. Yet I look at this child and ask where did this child come from? If I knew then what I know now, I would never have had a child.””
OK WHO says that kind of nonsense … … no f-ing wonder her kid turned out to be a little shit. Apples DO NOT fall far from the damn tree. Everything is my, I gave up my and my my my and me my and mine … and you think children don’t feel that stuff even if it’s not said. You can’t put up an act indefinitely …
Yeah ok ok .. ok then.
I don’t care how “good” you are. You don’t say stuff like that, no matter what point you’re trying to make or how shitty you perceive your child to be. Talk to your mother expletive therapist and get it sorted. I can’t nope I can’t! Xe-NO … re-evaluate that sister cause she ain’t so sweet inside if what you’ve said is true. I’d draw a line through her name, and close the book on that one.
“I’d say there’s a lot of personal pain in that voicemail. But it ain’t really about the kid.” TRUTH, but truth that shouldn’t be recorded …
Nope.
Fin.
You know what, all I can say is THANK BABY JESUS ON MOUNT OLYMPUS FOR MY PARENTS!
… my mother’s getting diamonds for Mother’s Day from now on.
Man.
JESUS H. ROOSEVELT CHRIST
Focus!
1. What she said on the voicemail was a total surprise to me. She never gave me an inkling that she felt that way, and she has never repeated it.
2. She taught the kid sign because she read that’s what good parents do (terrible 2’s caused by inability to communicate needs—sign language is an attempt to obviate that) Jesus H Christ on a raft, I know that and I have no children (that I know of haha)
Damn OB! I totally am in the same boat as you! Yes I am in a relationship and live with my boyfriend but NEVER EVER do I want to “pop” out a child or ever get married.
Not saying the marriage thing is NEVER going to happen, But i would not be spending thousands of dollars on a wedding that only last a couple hours and results in the feeling of being broke afterwards.
In regards to the children comment I too have been saying for many years that i will never want to have children and my family and friends all say ” that will change”, but the matter is that it hasn’t. I have even considered going in and getting my tubes tied. I don’t mind having to take oral contraceptives for another 10 years of my life.
The “joys” of childbirth do not look appealing to me. Not to mention the pain that comes along with the 9 aching months of being “fat”.
No way in hell is this bitch EVER having a child “pop” out!
Nope.
and Donk, please. She is the only sister in law with whom I get along with.
Did you READ what I wrote about the bad sister? Her mother (and Aesops) is loving and gentle, yet she gave birth to this succubus.
The ‘good sister’ is loving and generous who gave birth to a mini succubus.
I don’t give a blue crap if you approve/believe or not.
Pish Tosh, Kitty!
You sound like you are in your late 20s. The year I was 29 was miserable—the year I was 30 was terrific—
Take away for PK: don’t be thinking you’ve peaked already.
Oh, and sorry about the eggs. Still though…
I did read what you typed and stand by my thoughts.
“I don’t give a blue crap if you approve/believe or not.” Ok. I do not expect you to give a crap. After all my opinion has no bearing on your life or those in it. It is just that, and opinion posted on a board on the internet.
Take that for what it is.
I may not know very much because I haven’t lived many years however I do know that things and behaviours do not just materialize in an other wise sane person.
*sigh*
No, they didn’t materialize from nowhere–they were inherited from some evil reprobate on Aesop’s family tree. My guess is it’s their father’s side.
Xeno “I know that I have no children (that I know if)’
As a female you can be pretty damn sure Xeno…if you were a guy…well let me relate this to the guy’s
Anyone else ever see an ad ,where they are looking for someone, that someone sounding EXACTLY like it could be a friend of yours.
So you (I) contact the person from the ad by e-mail with my number & find out from the phone call….. holy shit !
I know this person from 20 years ago & they want to get ahold of my friend…because his almost 20 year old son is looking for his bio-father.
His unknown to him, 20 year old son ! ! ! !
So if yer a guy & you had some fun with a girl in your younger days…it can come around, it happened to a friend of mine, & I helped them get to meet.
after all what are friends for ~:p
Enlighten me Canned. What exactly is marriage if not for religious reasons or someone feels the need to “prove” something to someone.
Your story adds an interesting twist to the nature vs. nurture debate Xeno. The good sister-in-law does textbook parenting (nurture) to a child who grows up exhibiting the negative traits of her aunt (nature). Score one for heredity.
Good for you OP. You’re in a position to chase a dream career and why shouldn’t you? Don’t listen to the “family” people and get tied down. Then again, I’m a negative population growth kind of guy.
Hit me on Twitter OP 😉 @TommyJules902, people like you are the reason I scoff when people say “you’ll never find a good girl that doesn’t want kids.” There are ALL KINDS of awesome people out there who have decided they don’t want marriage or kids. Mel for example 😉
Why do you care about anyones opinion regarding YOUR life decisions?
As far as marriage for “religious” purposes… I’m getting married this summer and one of the stipulations for the justice of the peace was that there are to be absolutely no religious undertones whatsoever. The only thing I see marriage as is the logical next step of commitment. You meet, date, date exclusively, move in together, get engaged (if it lasts that long), get married. I always thought it was silly to get married, and quite frankly, a waste of money. Apparently, my opinion has changed, because a relationship is about 2 peoples wants and needs, not just mine. Be as stubborn as you want, OB, but when you meet a person that wants this, can you really say no to a big ass party with all your friends, family and cake? It’s only one day, and changes nothing, commitment is commitment, marriage or not.
As far as the kids thing… There are all kinds of parents out there that should have adopted your stance on having kids. It’s a much bigger commitment than wearing a white dress for an afternoon, that’s for sure.
I guess that’s my point SHITD. People just seem to get married to prove something to their significant other. Like if you don’t want to marry someone, you don’t really love them because you don’t want to tie yourselves to them legally. I don’t see marriage as being any sort of commitment. If it were, there wouldn’t be such thing as divorce. That’s great if you want it I guess but you know you don’t need to get married to have a big party :P. I don’t know, I just don’t understand marriage and no one has really given me a good reason as to why it’s valid.
THE REJECTION OF THE MALE, OR: GET A DILDO
The human species reproduces itself through penile-vaginal intercourse. However, in addition to its fundamental purpose, sexual intercourse also provides intense pleasure for the partcipants but that is not the fundamental purpose. Procreation is. Although both the male and the female have their roles to play, those roles are not equal. The female, under ordinary conditions, controls sexual intercourse. She, ultimately, is the one who determines whether ot not conception takes place.
The poster asserts that she does not want children, ever. Fine, that is her choice. But she should understand, sexually speaking, what that means. In effect, it is a rejection of the male and his role in procreation. The male may also not want to have children but it doesn’t matter what he wants. She is the one who decides. He does, however, have a function, that of providing sexual pleasure for the female. But how is this to be done?
(a) Mutual masturbation: In order to avoid slip-ups – accidents do happen and things can go wrong – direct penile-vaginal contact must be avoided. This can be achieved through mutual masturbation, whether manually or orally. One thinks of soixante-neuf, for example. The female can then rest assured that there will no slip-ups and conception will not occur. However, when the penis is present, there can be no guarantees. Perhaps after a romantic dinner and a glass of wine or two, things may get out of hand. Another way is required.
(b) Lesbianism: An even better way is to remove the penis from the picture entirely. This can be done by the female who does not want children engaging in sexual activity with another female. There is no room here for error. As with mutual masturbation, sexual stimulation may be either manual or oral but, in the case of lesbianism, strap-ons may be employed. However, even in a lesbian relationship, personal problems such as female quarrels over one thing or another – certanly not an unknown occurrence – may emerge resulting in the female becoming distracted from her climb up the corporate ladder. A third method seems to be necessary.
(c) Get a dildo: Today the dildo is quite sophisticated. The top-of-the-line models feature different settings which can increase the rate of vibration and the shape of the dildo itself. Top-of-the-line dildos closely resemble the penis. They are flexible, allowing the dildo to arc back and stimuate the G-spot to maximize sexual stimulation such that orgasm will shortly be achieved. The beauty of the dildo is that it not only removes the penis from the scene, it removes all human distractions completely. For the career woman on the move, the dildo is clearly the way to go.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Noone has to give *you* a good reason for marriage, Mel. They see all the reasons for themselves, and so get married.
Your life is a line that takes many turns and detours, and what you think and believe right now often changes as you experience and grow. Many people have said exactly what you’re saying, only to meet the One, and then they “get it”.
It’s like obscenity: I know it when I see(feel) it.
Don’t discount anything. Just know yourself and be open to life’s interesting moments.
Que sera, que sera.
Whatevs will be whatevs, right?
Your friend,
Wp
Thanks, xeno.
I just turned 30. Two weeks ago and it’s not getting off to a very great start personally or professionally. Job is going well, but some other issues have cropped up that make me want to tear my hair out.
Let’s just say my shrink’s got his hands full next time I see him. heh.
In any event, I don’t know why people are so concerned about how others view them. If you don’t want kids, OB, or don’t want to get married, just tell the haters to mind their own business and fuck off. If you give them a reason or try to rationalize your decision to them, it only gives them the idea that it’s any of their business, which it isn’t!
BREEDERS!!
Oh I know nobody has to give me any reasons for why they chose marriage but at the same time they kinda do when they’re looking at me like some freak of nature because I don’t want those things. And they especially must give me reasons if I’m in a relationship with them. That’s mostly who my comments are directed at. And I just don’t appreciate people telling me I’m going to change my mind. How would someone like it if I told them “Oh you’re going to change your mind!” about their marriage or children? They wouldn’t. It’s a really irritating saying, pretty much telling someone their life goals are shit and will end up miserable.
You know, on the flip side of things, I’ve always wanted to get married and have kids while I was growing up.
I always figured I would be married and have a baby by the time I turned 30 (I also thought i wouldn’t be fat when I turned 30 and we all know how THAT turned out). But…. now that I *am* 30, I’m less and less sure if I want all that. I’m not definitively saying I don’t, but… I’m not definitively saying I do.
Maybe it’s because I’ve faced the facts that it just might not be in the cards for me and I”m accepting it. You’re always the last to know when you’re gross and undesirable. 😀
First step is always acceptance.
At least I’ll never have to change a dirty diaper, and at least I can sleep in every saturday and sunday mornings for the rest of my life. *shrug*
Even if you don’t care about anything else, marriage (or domestic partnership status) is important when you have money, property, or nice stuff. In our fair Nova Scotia, you’re entitled to nuthin’ upon the break-up of a common law relationship, no matter how often you ticked ‘common-law’ on the Income Tax form.
Don’t believe me? Check out this helpful booklet from the Status of Women Office: http://women.gov.ns.ca/assets/files/andthe…. As it says on p. 8: “Many common law partners are shocked to find out that they do not have the same rights as married couples concerning dividing property after separation.” And further down: “common law partners have no automatic right to an equal division of property when they separate.”
That’s the law, folks. She worked while he went to school? Tough noogies. He gets to keep all the big bucks he earns from that podiatry degree. He wants some of her pension cause he put his career on hold while they were together? Sorry. I’ve heard yellow brand cat food tastes just like tuna, and the Library is a great place to keep warm in the winter.
Unless you move your shacked-up arse to one of them Sodom and Gomorrah provinces, what’s his is his, and what’s hers is hers. If you’re okay with that, great. If not, I’d be planning a trip to City Hall.
people have more choices today, my parents married in the 50’s, not a lot of wiggle room. the bear and i got married 10 yrs after living together, we were buying a cottage. so now you’re married, some people have a checklist for you, “when are you having kids?” “when are you having another kid?” societal pressure is immense but don’t let it get you down, op. some of the happiest folks i know, don’t have children but it can be a very tough choice and there are no do-overs
26, finally realized the world as I know and perceive it sucks and don’t really give a damn anymore. My father had a heart attack at 32… so tomorrow… 32… definitely before 40…
meh. makes no diff to me.
I wish I were an abortion.
ok, it’d make more sense if half my post wasn’t edited out because of the greater than and less than signs (likely perceived as embedded html and thus tossed as if it were malicious…)
whatever.
I don’t have enough bananas to give the code monkeys enough incentive to correct it.
Zed. The more depressy your posts on here get, the hotter I get for you.
*sigh*
careful… menopause sneaks up on you lady-folk
thankfully the russians really knew their stuff when they perfected depression medication
http://www.quizzing.in/wp-content/uploads/…
There’s not enough vodka in the world that can quell the pain of not being able to have you, zed.
*lesigh*
Depeche Mel, now that we’ve got the religious bit out of the way. The other point you’re making is that people only get married to prove something to one another.
Well, if someone gets married, to whom are they proving something? To one another? Maybe, but not always. There are certain tax and legal rights afforded to people who are married. So these are reasons for getting married, though married people will never tell you that. Conjugal arrangements are non-binding, and marriage invokes certain rights and responsibilities that might not otherwise be enforced.
I guess people who choose to get married are trying to prove something, if not to themselves then to society. They’re trying to prove that their partnership is worthy of certain legal and economic entitlements. In that sense the transition from common law to marriage is much like the transition from an unincorporated to incorporated business.
So if in fact people are getting married because it’s advantageous for them to do so, because it’s in their interest to do so, then perhaps your criticism should focus not on the people who get married, but the incentive structures in place that make marriage so advantageous in the first place.
I should note that I’m married. But if society – insurance companies, the government, my employer – treated common law unions equivalently to married unions, then I probably wouldn’t have gotten married. I didn’t need to prove anything to my partner (we had been in a committed relationship for 5 years or so). If I felt I needed to prove something to her, or that she needed to prove something to me, then I probably wouldn’t have gotten married.
“Conjugal arrangements are non-binding”
Not if it’s a civil union/common-law situation.
THE REJECTION OF THE MALE: GET A DILDO (II)
In my last post (8:21AM) I argued – tongue in cheek – that the female who did not want to have children should reject the male (and, perhaps, the lesbian as well) in favour of the dildo. (Suprisingly, I received three “likes!”) Since humans procreate by penile-vaginal intercourse which is accompanied in the female by intense clitoral pleasure and since she is not interested in procreating, her focus is entirely on her clitoral stimulation. That buzzing sound you hear as you walk along the street is the sound of multiple dildos pleasuring their owners, bringing them all to ecstatic orgasms. But what about the male? What sort of man passively accepts his rejection in favour of a machine? Let’s call him Aesop which, come to think of it, is a remarkably suitable name.
Even if Aesop were permitted, from time to time, to engage in sexual intercourse with the female, what sort of craven psychology would force him to be so completely pussy-whipped in this fashion? Is he that smitten with the female that he is cringingly grateful for only sporadic access to her vagina? When she does permit him access, does she tell him what she expects, perhaps even grade him on his performance? If he does not perform to her standard, or perhaps more properly, to that high standard set by her dildo, does she chastise him? Does she box his ears?
But if the female, being interested only in her clitoral stimulation and permits Aesop, as a favour, only sporadic access to her vagina why, in view of the fact that no children are to be forthcoming, does he bother with her at all? In other words, Aesop can adopt the same attitude and view the female simply in terms of his own penile stimulation. What else is there to hold him? Some may say “love” but human love is a natural outgrowth of the sex urge and the natural outgrowth of the sex urge is to create a family together. But this is precisely what Aesop is denied. But what is he to do?
If Aesop is an eunuch then there is little difficulty since he lacks sexual desire and is probably impotent anyway. But if he is not, when the female is busy being plugged into her dildo – or perhaps more properly the dildo is plugged into her – he has two choices: He can cringingly grovel for as much “vagina time” as possible with the female or, as I recommend, he can begin to associate with other females, those who might, just might, like to have children. Go for it, Aesop!
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
and that is why moman, I never said I was sorry when your fucking dog died. As soon as I show you the tiniest bit of kindness, you respond in such a vulgar, smarmy, self-titilating way, I want shower after reading.
And now that I’ve thrown you a bone by responding positively to your post about your old man, this is how I am thanked.
Why don’t YOU get a dildo and use it to GO FUCK YOURSELF
Actually Xeno, Smeagol’s dog committed suicide, it got tired of playng Altar Boy to Annie’s, Rev. Mercure.
My best friend told me I’m “not normal” because I don’t want to have children ever. I’m open to having a wife when I’m older like in my 30s, but kids suck and I don’t need them around.
i’m not *normal* either, just ask the boy. we didn’t want to name him, at first, he’s twenty now…any suggestions? disclaimer: i borrowed that shtick from mcnutt
even so, pk, you don’t have to pay for a divorce lawyer if you’re common-law. And you’re not always guaranteed the same treatment under the law as a married couple. So, in that sense, marriage is “more” binding.
I love how all you single, no kids people think you have it all figured out. If you don’t want kids, good for you but you don’t have to talk like having children is the worst thing in the world when you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Yes I give up my time, affection, money, energy, freedom, and sometimes sanity for my son and his father but you know what? When you are a good partner and a good parent all those cheesy cliches make sense. I get to live with the two people who love me more than anyone else ever will. I have the pride that I created a HUMAN BEING for crying out loud. I get to look everyday at the perfect combination of myself and the man I love. The only thing that’s left your vagina is the semen from a hundred donors from the sounds of it.
I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think anyone, and I mean anyone really cares if you settle down and procreate. Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch about it and didn’t act like you knew all about a life you’ve never lived and didn’t insult everyone around you who made a different decision than you, you wouldn’t have a problem. I don’t want to marry and I’ve never heard a word about it from anyone. I think this bitch is your desperate attempt to receive approval and acceptance for your selfish, ignorant beliefs and you’ve recieved lots of it but I just had to throw one in for the Moms out there. Us fat (by the way I’m sure I have a better bod than at least half of you non moms, baby weight can be and usually is lost), haggard, selfless, amazing, caring, strong, committed Moms out there.
RSVP
: Xenophilia (Feb. 23, 5:15PM)
Good morning, Xeno. I trust you slept well. I must say, however, that I was suprised by your heated response to my post (4:07PM) which I thought, at least in the case of the references to Aesop, everyone knew was just another instance of my delightfully puckish sense of humour. As you know, Xeno, my posts are complex and layered. (The reason for this is that I am a complex and layered kind of guy.) In the present case there was the “serious” aspect, that of the psychology of the toyboy of the hard-driving corporate dragon-lady as I interpreted the Original Poster to be. I’m sure examples actually exist. To add comic relief, however, I cast Aesop in the role which I assumed, wrongly it seems, that all the readers would grasp. Anyway, I’m sorry if you have been offended. Please don’t forget to give Aesop my best.
I was mystified by your reference to my “old man” for which you expressed your kind regards. I haven’t the faintest idea who he might be. Any chance of letting me know? Or maybe this is just another instance of your delightfully puckish sense of humour.
In respect to your comment about my “fucking dog,” I have posted a photo of my most recent avatar, that of the beloved “Annie.” Something tells me, however, that you are not consumed with interest, but Annie was extra special. All the whippets were (and are) special but Annie was in a class by herself. But I won’t bore you with the details.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Actually, canned — spousal support can still be sued for in the case of the dissolution of a common-law marriage/civil union. And if you have any assets to be divided up, you’ll need a lawyer for that too.
The actual dissolution of the marriage in a divorce is the easy part (both parties just agree to end their marriage and sign on the dotted line) — it’s the other crap that comes with it (division of assets, spousal support, shared debt, etc…) that can just as easily apply to a common law marriage break up.
toeachhisown: while I don’t think I’ll ever have kids, i don’t even claim to know what it’s like to give birth to or have a child of my very own, so I would never knock it. You don’t know what it’s like to love a child of your own until you have one (or adopt one) of your very own. I have friends who you’d think would’ve made the worst parents given their lifestyles, but as soon as they got pregnant (by accident, at that) and had their kids, they literally did a 180 and are some of the best parents I know of.
I just think, though, that OB was just venting a frustration — sometimes it’s tough being a certain age and being questioned on your life choices. I’m 30, single and am probably going to be like that for the remainder of my life, and there’s definitely an attitude from some of those in my peer group who are married and/or have kids that I’m developmentally stumped because I don’t have “big girl responsibilities.” That kind of pisses me off sometimes.
well, lah de dah, teho. you had a baby, wow, that’s never been done before
Baby Hate!
Pretty Kitty: while I can respect that frustration, I really can. Especiallly when it is unrequested advice, comments. But if you’re going to open up the debate in the way this OB was doing you’re leaving yourself open for judgement.
And if people are giving you a hard time about not having “big girl responsibilities” than you’ve been the victim of single envy (yes I admit, we all get it, we all have times when we wish to be free and shoot Jager with abandon) Sometimes when we’re up to our elbows in poop, or haven’t heard any intelligable conversation in weeks we remind ourselves (sometimes out loud and at the expense of innocent bystanders like yourself) that we have a higher calling now, we are responsible and selfless and soooo much more mature than you(please realize I don’t actually believe that). So really both sides are guilty of putting down the other for their own selfish reasons.
It can suck when someone makes you feel worse to make themselves feel better but it happens and when it does just remember how damn good it feels to sleep in till whenever the F you want on a Saturday afternoon.
Like I said, no kids? Rock on if that’s your choice but don’t knock a lifestyle that keeps our species afloat. Don’t disrespect your parents by saying that you would NEVER, EVER live that kind of deprived, wasted life. Just say “I don’t think that’s for me” without all the the assumptions and insults and I don’t think this OB would have much to B about.
AHAHAHAHAHA you kills me, Breadlady!
Paingirl: Yeah I did, had it, raising it, clothing it, feeding it, teaching it. I realize that’s not enough for you to respect me because you have no idea what that entails so here’s some more. I also manage two non-profit organizations full-time and have been doing so since I was pregnant years ago. What have you done?
so what? i did all that too, doesn’t make me a sanctimonious know-it-all
She also has a child and owns a business… and even finds the time to bake a ton of cookies for her friends :D. And she doesn’t expect that doing those things make her a goddess. Although I believe they do, she does them because she genuinely wants to. She is also lacking a chip on her shoulder about those things she does, unlike some. Also, the assumption that people who prefer to be single and child-less are just whores and players is quite ignorant and pretty much proves the points the OP was making. Good day darlin’.
You know who really frosts my cupcakes?
Stay at home mommies who complain about how little respect they get because OMG RAISING KIDS IS A JOB TOO YOU KNOW!
Yeah, well think about all the working mommies out there who don’t have the luxury or staying home after their mat leave is up. They still have to do all the same shit stay at home mommies do, PLUS go to work.
This makes me tired just thinking about it, and makes me appreciate my mom a whole lot more (who had to go back to work after her 3 month mat leave was up — you only got 3 months back in them days).
Go working mommies!
Did you really read what I was saying or are you putting me in a box I don’t belong in? The whole time I was saying I have absolutely NO problem with people who don’t want kids I can understand and appreciate that choice, hell I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids until I found myself pregnant. I was just saying that the OB no matter what life decisions they felt like making came across as a selfish, slutty, bitch. Apparently I came across as sounding like a sanctamonious, prude, bitch in the process. Sorry, my bad. One of the risks of trying to convey a message via online posts. I don’t by any means think that I’m a godess but I do have a lot of respect for parents (not anyone who “pops” out a kid but good parents) and felt like there was absolutely no voice for the other side and felt compelled, for some reason, to voice it. To say that having kids isn’t nearly as bad as people were making it out to be and that it did deserve more respect than this OB and the other commenters were giving and that it was more her attitude than her life choice that was getting her the looks and criticisms.
To be honest … I think you all are reading what you want to read.
“The only thing that’s left your vagina is the semen from a hundred donors from the sounds of it.”
What did you mean with that statement Toeach? That you don’t think single people are sluts? If anything, someone who really doesn’t want kids would be using condoms, thus no semen entering or leaving the vagina. I don’t think what exits someone’s vagina should have anything to do with the type of person they are, whether it’s a baby, semen, or dildo.
I agree Mel, that’s a nasty bitch thing to say about anyone, just because of a difference of opinion. I think it all comes down to your definition, Toeach, of someone who doesn’t want to get married. I don’t think anyone is saying they have an aversion to a long term relationship, it’s more of an aversion to a legal binding contract that defines their relationship/commitment. Having kids is a choice to most sexually responsible adults, and for the record you didn’t “create a human being”, you had a baby. Don’t get all high and mighty, even the lowest common denominator can do that, it’s not a special talent. There are women out there that can’t operate a toothbrush and can barely sign their own welfare cheque that have had children. Your attitude and self importance is exactly what the OB was refering to.
Holy fuck! 89 comments?! I was away from a computer for the last couple of days before coming back here to see what people said to my post. Thank you, to the majority of the commentors, for the support.
I don’t have a problem with people getting married and having kids. I have a problem with people looking at me, and other individuals who do NOT choose this lifestyle, like we’re ‘selfish, slutty bitches’…. *cough* TEHO. Ok, I might not be the most sexually moral person out there because I like to have flings, however, I DO USE CONDOMS, as Mel said, so there is no sperm from the ‘hundreds of donors’ laying around in my vagina. And, as mentioned in my post when I’m in my 30s, I am gonna have a legit LT relationship with a man I truly care about. And like SHITD said, marriage is not necessary because I don’t give a flying fuck about my relationship status being legally documented and being a MRS!
I’m a selfish bitch, am I? Where do you come to that assumption–because I’m not married with kids? Talk to the people who KNOW me (even the ones who think I should have a hubby and kiddies!!): I’m loyal to my closest friends/family, there for them when others weren’t, lent money when they needed it, gave to charities, etc. One time, I saw an old man trip and fall down and he couldn’t get up. I walked across the street and helped him back up to his feet. YEAH, WHAT A SELFISH BITCH I AM.
“For crying out loud, I created a human being!!!”. Stop acting as if you found a cure for AIDS or cancer.
For someone with the handle ‘to each his own’, you sure sound like a judgmental, prudish bitch.
http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivation…
Are you enjoying Ernani today, Colonel?
I am. What’s not to like in an opera with a character named Elvira?
Quite right, Xeenie:
http://www.joblo.com/images_arrownews/Eliv…
I took the desk during the intermission, so I’m waiting for it to start up again.
I saw a BALD EAGLE from the bridge this morning on the walk in. That’s going to be the high point of my day, I suspect.
Oh Xeno, I forgot to mention in my reply (Feb. 24, 9:18AM) to your post of Feb. 23, 5:15PM, try not to slip in the shower.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
my corbies have been chasing off other factions of their brethren. lots of noise and stellar flying, but no bloodshed. considering what a varied menu they get in our neighborhood, i’m not surprised
http://blu.stb.s-msn.com/i/FE/9BCD137ACAA7…
You Go Girl! Don’t Give in! One of my sisters best friends recently caved under the pressure and is now stuck with a jackass and incredibly unhappy. Find relationships and love on your own terms 🙂
Ps- Congrats!! 😀
MONTREALMAN’S “VULGAR, SMARMY AND SELF-TITILATING” RESPONSE TO XENO
“… you respond in such a vulgar, smarmy, self-titilating way, I want to shower after reading.”
and,
“Why don’t YOU get a dildo and use it to GO FUCK YOURSELF”
(Xenohpilia, Feb. 23, 5:15PM)
Good morning again, Xeno. I hope you took my advice about trying not to slip in the shower. They can be quite treacherous unless precautions are taken. Does your shower stall have hand-grips on the sides? Do you wear anti-slip flip-flops in the shower? And watch the water temperature, Xeno. Many people have suffered scalding burns by not paying attention to the position of the taps.
I was reading over your post and noticed what sounds to me like a puzzling self-contradiction. After writing that you found my post “vulgar, smarmy, and self-titilating, you then go on to say that I should “get a dildo and GO FUCK MYSELF” (shouldn’t there be a question mark after “MYSELF,” Xeno?). Xeno, doesn’t this sound a bit vulgar to you? But I was really puzzled about you finding my post being “smarmy” and “self-titilating.” Was I “smarmy” and “self-titilating” at the same time, or was I “self-titilating” AFTER I was “smarmy? Could you give some examples, Xeno, so as to clear things up for me? I always want to improve the quality of my mind, Xeno, so that the quality of my writing will approach your standards, i.e., so it WON’T be “smarmy” and “self-titilating,” to say nothing of not being “vulgar.”
By the way, just to keep you posted, my “fucking dogs” are doing very well at the moment, Xeno. I know you want to know this because I know you care.
And don’t forget to give Aesop my best.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Like my mother always said,” never say never”…
if that tangerine-tinted ho-bag idiot snooki can get pregnant…
how difficult could procreation really be?
This is truly a case where we’re (all of humanity) a pestilent virus and could definitely do with at least one less person in the world.