This bitch is to the old couple that lives two houses down from me: I do not appreciate being called “meatball”, “beach ball” or any other name when I walk to catch my bus in the morning. It really ruins my day. I understand that I have weight issues, but that is no reason to try and ruin my day. I’ve heard you shout foul names at other passersby, too. You must get up at, like, 5 am, and go out there, just waiting for people to go by. What are you, like 70? 75? Shouldn’t you know better? And, just so you know, it was my family reported you to the cops last Halloween. Putting the odd worm or slug in the candy bags was not funny. My brother brought home your lovely little prank. I called the cops. Please be nicer to me!
—Want to Move
This article appears in Aug 20-26, 2009.
I wish I knew where you lived so I would know to NEVER MOVE THERE! If it makes you feel any better OP, they’ll be dead soon 🙂
Just remind them that they will be dead soon.
And tell them that its hags like them that make society hate dumb, old people.
Maybe tell them go commit suicide. I would.
dammit Katie….sorry about that….I type too slow.
Wow, what jerks, but at least they’re jerky to everyone and not just you. I think you should saran wrap the outside of their front door one night, then get the neighbours together to watch as they either (if their door opens out) cant open the door, or (if the door opens in) open the door and walk into an invisible force field. See what they come up to call you guys when you’re all laughing at them for a change.
I was just thinking about Clerks when Jay put a speech-balloon on the door, knocked on it and ran away before Randall came over. When Randall opened the glass door and leaned out to confront Jay, he was in-line with the speech balloon that read, “I love cock,” or “I eat cock.”
You could do that too, OP. Don’t forget to take a picture.
OP, People Are Stupid has the right idea.
Think about it. Halloween is coming up fast. You can spend the next 8 weeks, as you walk pass them each day, creating your master plan on how send these people the ultimate message: don’t mess with the big guy. The more they call you derogatory names, the bigger you can smile, because you know that it won’t be long before they get your response.
I am not saying that you should be cruel or give them a heart attack or some such thing. I just saying, they drew the line in the sand, you need cross it.
I am sure there are a lot of people here who could come up with many clever, imaginative ideas for you to consider. Just share the sweetness of your revenge afterward.
I think a potato in the muffler of their Buick should do the trick.
Westcoast, that doesn’t work. Myth Busted.
I just like saying: “Oh yeah, mutha ucker? Maybe I’ll pop a potato in your muffler!?” And then I put my hands in my back pockets all casual so they feel like I’m done – at which point I drop a Zidane style head-butt on their mug.
Well, if I was as cool as my fantasy revenge scenario would suggest – that would be what I would do….
I guess you could also use the “Jerk Store” retort invented by George Costanza….
Get two blank keys, super glue them, put one in each side door, break off the end 🙂
can’t sleep… = (
Here is a mild idea (that won’t result in a vandalism charge):
You could get some styrofoam sheets; cut out some headstones; carve their names into it; and then carve: died Oct. 31, 2009. Then you write their epitaphs (this is where you really cast judgment on them). You can muddy them up and let them dry to make them look more authentic. Then gather two garbage bags of leaves to use to make mounds in front of the stones. Make sure the graves are put on their lawn the night before Halloween so they can spend the whole day and evening nervously sitting by the window looking out to see if it is an overt threat or a promise of more to come.
At the very least, it should still their hand on putting surprises into the kids treat bags.
They sound like very bitter, angry people who are unhappy with themselves and their lives. Pranking them or vandalizing their property will only reinforce their shitty world view and make them feel justified in their assholery. I would just smile, wave, and greet them with a cheerful good morning everyday. I’m sure this will burn them up far worse than toilet papering their trees, egging their house or writing asshole on their lawn with round-up. They are looking for a reaction and if you fail to give them what they want they’ll eventually give up.
You could send them lots of food and presents. It worked in Gran Turino.
You know, my first instinct was to take the high road, like Jai and PAS (you surprised me PAS), but then I thought, what if they start to like OP? What if they think he is their friend? Then they will be sitting in HIS lawn chairs shouting at the people who walk by. They will start digging HIS lawn up to borrow some worms. They’ll try to hook him up with their granddaughter, Bertha. Then, OP will have them at his house every Christmas watching them throw iceballs at carolers…
Nope. I can’t, in good conscience, advise OP to befriend them. I would advise him to ignore that sour, insensitive, ignorant old couple first.