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FOR THE LOVE OF BATMAN, I HAVENT CRAPPED IN FUCKING THREE DAYS! AND I GET APPLE SIZED HEMORROIDS WHENEVER I TRY AND SQUEEZE OUT THIS GODDAMN ROCK! I DON’T USUALLY WRITE IN CAPS! OR USE THIS MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS! BUT I FUCKING HATE MY GODDAMN BOWELS!
—real life
This article appears in Apr 9-15, 2009.
23 Comments
1. Drink more water, it will make pooping much easier.
2. Eat more fruits and veggies, you’ll have some bulk (and that’s a good thing a la Martha Stewart).
3. Cut down on your meat consumption, it slows your digestive system down.
Good luck. Not being able to poop is a (pardon the pun) shitty experience.
If you want to void your bowels, make sure you’re not eating anything like rice or cheese… if you dont smoke, I recommend after a meal, especially breakfast, having a cup of coffee and a cigarette may help you. Otherwise, prune juice also works, but the former can turn bowels to butter like magic!
this looks like it’s straight outta the pages of kanye’s blog
Dirty fuck…
For the love of god, head to outpatients! The shit in your intestine is backing up more and more. You do realize that your digestive system has a finite capacity, right? You let that shit wait and they’ll be digging a anal-plug ball of crap out of your ass, not unlike what bears develop when they hibernate. Seriously, this is a simple problem that will get nothing but worse with time.
As the resident bitch board bowel expert, I’ll give you the advice of my dear ol’ mater: take 2-3 tablespoons of mineral oil and that turd will be flying out of your poop shute so fast, your hemorroids won’t even notice.
Holy Shit less Batman, if you get desperate, try some sort of Purgative or like another suggested, outpatients or prune juice, or maybe even some sort of witch doctor even. BTW, TMI, wow way too much information. Good luck with that colon conundrum.
oh fuck i never laughed that hard in a while.
Exlax might help? Comes in chocolate! Happy Easter!
Judging by the caps and exclaimation points I am guessing the problem might be your sphincter tension is off the charts.
Christ man, Ever try relaxing? I don’t use drugs nor to I advoate it but in this case i think a little “herbal thearapy” might be in order. You might not take a crap but at least Dark Side of the Moon will make a whole lot more sense 😉
Try a bran muffin or an apple.
Beans, beans, beans! Eat more fiber, drink more water and some physical activity. If that doesn’t work drink some beer and smoke some smokes.
Three days isn’t *that* bad….I’ve heard of people going weeks without taking a crap. Just get yourself a laxative from the drug store. Philips, exlax, colace whatever. OR get some suppositories or a fleet enema. There are various options available to you, OP.
Mineral oil and castor oil work, but you may have a problem getting it down. I tried castor oil once….and I can’t even talk about it without wretching. no joke.
Anyway, it’s best to nip this in the bu[tt] (lol pun intended) before it gets any worse.
Mineral oil goes down easy – honestly, it’s a century old remedy and it works. My calmed down ass balloons are a testament to that.
Whipping it into some balsamic works too, I did this for my husband and he ate it with some spinach salad. Easier than the mouthful o’ oil.
Yeah, any source of oil will loosen the ol’ bowels, but if there’s an underlying problem, home remedies might exacerbate it.
And Pretty Kitty, you’re right about people who haven’t shit in weeks, it actually happens a lot more than you might assume. However, I’ve talked to friends who work in the medical profession, and their stories about these people, while quite hilarious, are not pleasant. We’re talking rock-hard shit backed up into your stomach here. Nasty stuff.
Laxatives. Coffee. Enemas. Leave your fecal misfortune out of the paper.
As above – coffee and a cigarette. You won’t be able to run to the john fast enough.
three days, while not ideal, is hardly outpatients material in my mind. may indicate issues, but could also just be a function of recent dietary habits. i know several people who go on average twice a week. any of a number of these options presented here will help clear the ol pooper.
Smoothie on All Bran a couple days a week- probably the all bread diet we have been roped into…
a little vasoline rubbed around the anus will help it slide on it if it’s RIGHT THERE.
how in the fuck did I miss this bitch!?!?!?!
damn, you sound like the guy who went to germany and swallowed the condom full of beer… whole. it didn’t burst and so he was passing it through his intestines until he got to the start of the transverse (I think it is…. where the intestine starts to go upward) and it wouldn’t budge.
They had to go in and puncture the thing and… well you can imagine how it looked when the beer was released.
Wet fart doesn’t begin to describe it.
Quite a description there zZz. Who in the fuck would swallow a condom full of beer, why not just drink the beer and do away with the latex. Anyhoo it sure paints a picture.