Mr. Pretty-Eyed Officer

I’ve only spoken to you once. It was when I handed you that envelope. You were such a gentleman (albeit, fake, because I know that you and your ‘crew’ can’t stand my ass). But I had never seen you before. I was expecting somebody else to roll down that window. Can I just say, daayuuuummm, officer. You are one fine specimen. In the back of my head, as I was passing that envelope to you, I was thinking, ”How the hell did I never notice this man before?”. Oh well, it’s all done and over with now. You’ll never read this, which is why I’m writing it. You sure had purdy eyes, though. Some missus is a lucky woman to be looking into them every night. —sucka4amaninuniform

This article appears in Mar 6-12, 2014.