But I think you’ve made a big mistake. You had a woman (Im calling her #1) in your life who’s friendly and caring no matter what happened. She opened you up to a life without drugs, gave you support (saw it in her eyes at every NA meeting she came with you), and stuck by you even when you were having bad times. And she made you laugh. She isn’t an addict but because you are, she stood with you. Then she stopped coming around.
Word is that you dumped her. And you are seeing a recovering addict now (#2). I know you think this new one knows your struggle better, but this is a disaster IMO. You’re an addict working the program, do you think saddling yourself with a nice but messed up woman will help you? What do think is going to happen when you have to be on your own?
Last week at a NA meeting I saw #1 in another room with a bunch of people. She was smiling, laughing and looked like she’s someone with her shit together. Then I looked at you and thought “Man, you were lucky. Lots of us only wish we had someone like that.” I don’t know what you are thinking but #2 isn’t the best person to plan a future with, not that she’s bad, but she has her own shit to deal with and in the long run will not be able to take on your shit too.
If you can, see if #1 will talk to you. Cause when it comes down to it, she made you happy even when your life was shit. #2 won’t be able to handle it, sorry to say. Your shit and her shit together will be too much. And do you want to screw up all you have done so far in the program?
I only write this because I can’t say it to your face. Hate what I am sayin, but don’t stay stupid. —Meeting Buddy
This article appears in Oct 18-24, 2012.
hmm, bad decision making.
Doesn’t really sound like he wants to recover.
Ah. Now I get today’s bitch from #2.
two things:
Buddy, your advice will fall on deaf ears. Good try but if the bitch from today is the match to this, then you need to shut up about it and watch it unfold badly.
And if #1 reads this post, run the fuck away!
Oh dear, I think you have caused a shitstorm Buddy and it hasn’t brought out the good in #2 (or someone on her behalf). I have lived a story somewhat like this many years ago during my recovery journey. I tell you as you must be in the fellowship too and may better understand your friend.
Don’t try to help. Let them relapse in peace. Cause they will, I’ve been there and witnessed the tragedy. When you focus on how you think you’ve been done wrong by everyone else and deflect your responsibilty for the situation you find yourself, you will fail in sobriety.
The “poor me” gets old for everyone around you and the only ones left are fellow addicts with co-dependency issues. Thus the relapse. In rare situations do you find yourself with a friend or two who sticks it out. I was lucky, I had a friend who saw me through the worst of my addicition where I was a lying, thieving, cruel person. He got me help, let me push him away over and over and when I reached out during one of the steps when I struggled and felt broken, he shook my hand, enveloped me in a hug and never judged. Trust me, I was a cruel bitch to him many times. I am not proud, but no one ever stood by me like that.
Maybe your buddy will make the choice to reach out, most likely not though. To swallow your pride and ask for help from people whom you have hurt takes courage. He’s not likely to be there yet and maybe not ever. Maybe 1 will not listen, as they typically give up quickly. Mine kept encouraging me with random cards and emails. Occassions and even sobriety anniversaries.
I got to a point where I looked around and knew that while the meetings, my sponsor and the texts were important eventually I had to have a life outside of recovery. And while others in the fellowship were great, they had their own struggles and could not truly give me support. Then I reached out to my friend. He answered.
OP, while you think that you were doing a good thing by posting this message to your buddy, airing the personal lives of others in the coast is a shitty thing to do.
Your description of #2 comes off as very negative and judgemental. No one knows what others are capable of dealing with and you have made some big assumptions about her. I am not surprised that someone on her behalf wrote a bitch, cause this post makes her seem terrible. Not fair on your part.
This reads like you hardly know #1. I bet she wouldn’t appreciate you posting about her life in a public forum either. Would she want you to compare her and another person? Why would she want to be contacted by your buddy? And judging by the bitch posted she is now accused of worse things. You aren’t helping her either.
My advice is to keep your opinions off the web and to yourself. You have no idea what has happened, you have exposed peoples lives without their permission and likely caused even more shit.
I debated for days wondering if I should comment and then I said “if I am going to be a bitch on the bitch, I might as well be the bitch on the love”.
Welcome to my Festivus and the airing of grievances.
Dear Mr/Mrs. Buddy,
1. How dare you post something personal referencing a situation of which you have no part? You don’t know anything about it, you are simply giving your observations and making huge assumptions. To post it on a public forum is idiotic and I think there was very little “love” involved.
2. I cannot believe someone would say such unkind and untrue words about the lady in this post (#2 – which is a ridiculous way to name people). I have been in this woman’s company and she has been nothing but kind, welcoming and generous to myself and others. SHAME ON YOU! You don’t know her whole story, you don’t know what she is capable of “dealing with” and frankly you were extremely cruel in your commentary!
3. This whole post is your opinion about what you think you observed. You see these folks what, 2 or 3 times a week? The three of them could be on a floor hockey team and get together every second Thursday to play and then have sushi and green tea! You don’t know any circumstances, all you have is your imaginings and assumptions.
4. I think that one of the principles of the fellowship is to keep its name out of controversy. You have done the exact opposite. I would expect a member to know better.
Man, here’s my advice to you:
The next time you feel the need to comment on something which you know nothing about and have no part in but still wish to give advice??? Write a note and pass it to them like the immature person you are. Here’s to reliving junior high.
And thank you for the sleepless nights I have had being heartsick about the whole situation.
Bravo No#1Here for stepping up and calling people out on their bad behaviour. Could not have been easy.
I hope others take your words and think wisely next time before running their mouth (or in this case their fingers) and post personal stuff in public.