How would you like it if I came over and sniffed your bum? How about if I shit in your yard? If I drool all over you, wouldn’t it be “cute”. Or maybe you would enjoy me lunging at you and tearing your shorts with my teeth? What? You say that if I did any of those things you would call the cops. Well, why the fuck do you think that it is perfectly fine for your dogs to do that to me or my kids? I don’t blame the dogs, they are just dogs. The owners on the other hand… —Tired of All Your (Dog)shit

This article appears in Apr 21-27, 2011.

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40 Comments

  1. Okay Seb, I asked if you had a nice long weekend; I didn’t ask for details. Geeesh – TMFuckinI!

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  3. Cats tend not to sniff human ass…. and they generally don’t drool all over you… and most don’t give two fucks if you pat them or not (unless you’re their person). And at least they bury their shit.

    … just sayin’ 😉

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  4. There used to be a headstone on a front lawn down towards Musquodoboit that said;

    Here he lies all cold and hard
    The last damned dog who shit in my backyard.

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  5. ” How would you like it if I came over and sniffed your bum? How about if I shit in your yard? If I drool all over you, wouldn’t it be “cute”. Or maybe you would enjoy me lunging at you and tearing your shorts with my teeth? “

    Sounds pretty kinky to me.

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  7. That, tee, and you don’t have to take the buggers out for a walk so they can take a dump in sub zero weather, in the middle of a blizzard at 7 in the morning. heh

    Molly’s actually kinda pissy at me right now for going back to work. She’s been cuddling up to my parents, particularly my dad. Yesterday she sat on the table while he was taking his medication and kept chirping at him while he was talking to him. He’s the only male in the world she likes. She snubbed me again this morning after I fed the little bitch and hung out with my mom while she got ready for work. I think it’s also because I napped with Oscar yesterday evening and she hates Oscar (she calls him ‘the big turd’) so she was jealous. 🙁

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  8. Haha, that too!

    I know how you feel, Milo’s been super moody the last few weeks because he hates change.. Did you get both Molly and Oscar at the same time?

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  10. Yup! They’re from the same litter, even! Molly liked oscar until shortly after she was spayed. She hates men in general, except for my dad and my best friend’s fiance who she flirts with shamelessly. LOL.

    Oscar just want to play and have a bud. Molly doesn’t want to play and has beat him and hissed at him so many times he’s all “FUCK YOU, BITCH!” now and they get into some pretty big fights complete with lesions on their faces and chins. 🙁

    Molly’s just a fickle, diva-like bitch. And I love it! Oscar’s just a big (huge, not fat, lean but huge and solid) dumb lug who’s everyone’s friend! 🙂

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  11. Agreed, OP, people should rein in their dogs. Not everyone thinks Muffy is cute and wants to share.
    Some people, like my mom, are just afraid of dogs, and can only get friends with bigger dogs on their own terms.
    Meh.
    Valid bitch.

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  12. o.p., if you were a female doing that to me, i would actually help you, by taking shorts off. but no, dogs do not have the right to do that. and if said dog left marks on your body, then it is legally assault. the owner, if known to you, is libel for any damages to you or your clothing. if you know them, make them pay up, or call cops and report dog attack. is this the only time this animal has done this to you, or others? if it isn’t, then there are grounds for a lawsuit and to have dog removed from the public, for safety reasons.

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  13. Hahah! They sure sound like two characters! I was thinking of getting a second cat but I want them to get along and be buddies lol

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  14. What type of cat do you have? Mine are ragamuffins, though only half and molly looks like a ragamuffin and oscar has the body structure of a male ragamuffin (females are usually A LOT smaller than the male ragamuffins), but is a short haired gray tabby. He’s a gorgeous frigging boy. They both have the personality traits — ragamuffins are like puppies, apparently, and I can see that. Also, when you pick them up they go limp (oscar almost looks like he’s reaching up with his paws), which is where they got their breed name from. 🙂

    They’re very good with new animals too. They don’t mind dogs and get along with new kitties (when dad’s cat Felix came to live with them oscar LOVED it), which is why they can’t, under any circumstances, go outside because they don’t have the survival skills to defend themselves — they’d think some racoon wanted to be their friend (well oscar would) and would get the shit beat out of them.

    They don’t meow either — they both chirp and whine with the softest little voices. Oscar, even though he’s HUGE, sings in this soft little voice instead of meowing. I <3 them sooo much! Best roomies ever!

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  15. Aww, Milo’s a regular housecat, black short haired, he’s moody, only likes to be petted on his terms, he whines mostly rather than meows and that’s usually for his food.

    I managed to teach him a few tricks and what not. He’s quite intelligent, a little too much sometimes. If we forget to put away a bag of treats, he will find it, bite through it and eat them. Same with cat nip and kibbles haha.

    He absolutely loves to play, he still acts like a kitten even though he’s three. We want a cat about the same age that he’d get along with and they could play together while we’re at work.

    You’re right, they sure are good company 🙂

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  19. Just to be specific – Anglo is not the troll. Don’t open links from noobs for the next little while citizens. And those of us oldsters who are overly fond of posting links; like myself, Hugo, Zedman and Paingirl – the Queen of Meme – should probably lay off it for a bit. Better safe than sorry >: (

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  20. Ooo ok i’ll stop posting links for a while, and i am troll like in appearance but no i am not a troll i prefer to annoy you guys with bad puns and bad humour.

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  22. Sorry Anglo, I didn’t mean you. I meant the real troll, it was under something like princess pea and unfortunately the post was innocent sounding so yeah, I would refrain from opening links from anyone that is a “stranger” to the board.

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  25. Tro lo lo lo lo lo lo lo ha ha ha ha ha

    “i prefer to annoy you guys with bad puns and bad humour.” Das true tee. He’s got his own blend, but that’s what make it special *insert silly Sesame Street song about accepting differences here*

    In other news cats are not superior, dogs are more intelligent. Y’all just like the cats cause they’re aloof and treat you bad … just like some men. Hmm that somewhat explains the cat ladies.

    I kid

    or do I

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  26. Awwww I <3 Milo and I haven't even met him! I love moody cats. THey're the best all "pfft I rule the roost around here, bitchez!"

    Molly’s SORT of like that — but she always wants to cuddle (and I’m her “person” — ragamuffins get very attached to one person and she thinks I”m her real mommy) and is always trying to climb up on my chest. She’s a princess and knows she’s gorgeous. Maybe it’s just a female cat thing? She’s smart for a cat, but eh for a female cat. Oscar isn’t stupid, he’s just dumb, but he picks up on things other cats do. Felix was a criminal mastermind and taught Oscar some very bad things. He still beats me when i walk by him sitting on the kitchen ledge. Little bugger.

    Three isn’t a bad age to get another kitty. If you adopt an adult cat you can often have an idea what their personality’ll be like. The vet I go to in Clayton park has kitties for adoption and they’ll have a little write up on their personality and whether or not they’d be good with another cat. Three is still quite young! Hay, ragamuffins take five full years to mature!

    Maybe if you know someone with a cat you could get them to bring the cat over and see how Milo reacts? That may give you an idea. Plus there are websites that’ll tell you how you can socialize two cats to each other! 🙂

    Get another kitty! Two kitties are better than one! LOL

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  27. OP, there’s only one way to get rid of those homeless crackheads……just don’t get caught.

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  28. Haha, I most likely going to happen, the only thing is finding a cat with a personality that goes with Milo’s. He has been around other animals (one cat and one dog), neither went over well. All three animals were used to being the only pet they were trying to intimidate each other to see who would reign lol.

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  29. Hmm. Try putting tuna juice on them and locking them into the bathroom. I’ve heard that after a while they’ll warm up to each other.

    … or eat each other, in which case… :|

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  34. No one cares about any of your cats and their various eccentricities!!! They’re just cats, dammit!!!! AAARRRGH!!!!!

    lolz

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  35. …but what about the dogs, i say, what about the dogs miss snoop or should i say ‘chickie’…teehee

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  36. You can call me ‘chickie’ paingirl 🙂

    Dogs and cats are both awesome, it’s the people who own them and talk about them constantly that I can’t stand.

    “Tibbles is so intuitive! He can open the pantry door with his paw!”

    Yeah well, Tibbles also licks his own asshole…

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  38. I know! It’s one thing to love your child, and another to think that your child is the single most amazing child of all the children to have ever existed. Dear lord, when I was a kid, I’d have to crap cancer curing rainbows to get the kind of adoration some parents slather their children with.

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