Dear Roommate, we’ve been living together for 8 months now. For the last 8 months I have bought the toilet paper EVERY time we ran out. This is annoying enough on its own, but the greater issue is that we somehow seem to go through 1 roll a day between the two of us! I know I’m not the issue… Are you rolling around in it or something? Tired of being the only one to purchase the toilet paper, when I bought the new package I kept it in my room. 9 days later… there is still NO toilet paper in the bathroom and you ask me to buy more every time you see me. How have you been wiping your ass all week?! Gross. —Toilet Paper Purchaser

This article appears in Apr 7-13, 2011.

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21 Comments

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  3. you should have titled this bitch as “learn to purchase the TP you need to wipe your own ass”
    …toilet isn’t cheap either, i would just say something to your roommate! don’t roommates usually split the expenses?

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  4. I had a roommate like this once… when there was no TP she used a facecloth… I moved out as soon as I found the first one in the bottom of the laundry basket searching for the smell. GAG!

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  5. is this about a femal o.p.? if it is, the suckster will gladly lend a hand, heh, heh. but seriously, t.p., holy fuck, why are you ragging on this shitty issue for(groan). there are worse things than a stinky asshole, there are real asshole out there causing and creating shit, everywhere, everyday,( fuck it just keeps getting worse).
    but really now, is this something that should be aired here, where your roomie, might never see it? come on now, use that brain thing in your skull. tell them straight fucking up, to buy paper, or you will find another roomie.

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  6. Hand to God, when I used to run out of TP in my broke college days sometimes I actually used The Coast to wipe me arse…no slight to this fine paper mind you !

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  7. They have probably been playing Toilet Paper Mommy and hid “their” tp in their room too, OP.

    Just be an adult and tell them to buy some terlit papes.
    Or continue writing letters to the editor in magazines/websites he/she will never see.

    Meanwhile, LS has offered to do Dirty Hand Doodie Duty.

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  9. No kidding Gaybaby. I can think of any number of Bruce Wank columns that could only be improved by being edited with human ordure.

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  13. Reminds me of the line from “American Violet” when the female prisoner is asking for a tampon and the guard says “You too good to wad up toilet paper like everybody else?” OP, that’s where your roommate is stuffing it.

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  14. i’ve never understood how seemingly normal peeps can just “forget” to chip in/buy shit (pun intended)..like wtf is the matter with these fucks..:)

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  17. im convinced my wife eats our toilet paper while im at work. 3 squares is enough to fold for 3 wipes then if you need more…get 3 more squares lol

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  21. Depending on the TP you can get away with two squares. The new cottonelle is super thick. I get the double rolls and they last twice as long as when I get the double cashmere pack. And I use my TP for more than just it’s intended purpose — it’s soft enough to dry your nose after a shower, or remove lipstick with coconut oil (some lip gloss is hard as fuck to get off without it), or blotting my mascara brush to avoid clumps. And I also use it to clean the gunk out of Molly’s right eye when she’s having a flare up and has a runny eye.

    TP isn’t just for bums, you know!

    And baby wipes aren’t just for babies! NKOTB take them on the road wiff dem, yo’.

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