To the guy who orders his latte with half the caffeine and other ridiculously specific and annoying things…and the has the balls to be a dickwad and complain all the time to everyone working in the store and other customers, screw you. You always get sugar-free and decaf now. Find a new coffee shop or even better take up tap water and save the public from your douchebaggery.
—The barista who cringes when you walk in.
This article appears in May 7-13, 2009.
How do you make a half caf latte? Do you have to make two different batches of espresso and split them?
half-caffeine, half poop… problem solved! Next?
Prompt your drool gland to drop a little more pleasure in his latte.
I always order a skinny soy latte….is that considered a pain in the ass request? I always wanted to know that… (I only order it because I can’t have milk and I can’t have sugar!)
I just want to know if I’m a pain in the ass 😛
When you work in a pretentious artsy-fartsy coffee shop expect pretentious artsy-fartsy prigs.
These barista bitches always make me giggly.
I like coffee flavoured coffee. Is that a difficult request?
Lolllllll…that just made my brain twist.
Long, long ago in a bitter galaxy far away, I worked as a barista. Personally, I didn’t mind most special requests so long as they were requested politely and appreciated.
Of course, there were the occasional twits who insisted on ordering everything in Starbucks-speak (I worked in an independent cafe) or were just otherwise rude, snotty, assholes who thought their vente, half-fat, half-caff, medium foam, sugar-free, blah-blah-blah latte was THE most important thing on the planet. They were almost always over-privileged, vapid, tanorexic girls, or anal-retentive middle-aged dudes, and as my special thanks for their swell disposition, I occasionally did something ‘creative’ to their lattes.
mwahahaha!
if I were buying a 4+ dollar coffee, I’d want the beams hand-picked by midget children imported from Kazakhstan, half-fat, double-caff, no foam, sugar-inducing coma, with a whisper of cinnamon.
to go.
I hate the reverse: When I go into one of the “fancier” coffee shops and get a snotty attitude from the barrista when I ask for *gasp* A COFFEE! What, my order’s not fancy enough for you? Trust me, I wouldn’t be there if there was a Timmy’s in range.
I always have to order off a post-it in these places – and hope that my co-workers weren’t fucking with me when I wrote down these 12 word drinks. And it bugs the shit out of me that I have to add milk myself – Timmy’s mixes and stirs it for me for 1/10 the cost.
yeah, some of us can’t be trusted to add our own ingredients real chick. It takes a trained professional to get it right. I’m not taking a sarcastic shot at you, I’m dead serious. If I’m spending $3 for a simple cup of coffee, I want it done right.
How come Tim Hortons doesn’t have baristas?
Also, what would a specialty tea or hot chocolate shop worker be called? I get a thorough kick out of CSR people referring to themselves as “baristas”. You jockey a register and serve coffee ffs.
Next American Eagle sales kids are going to be referring to themselves as “Style Coaches, Fashionistas or Makeover Artists”.
I gave up sugar and carbs for lent, and went to get a latte at starbucks, so I wanted a flavored soy latte, with half the sugar free syrup, and once they translated that into starbucks speak, and I had no idea what I had ordered, but felt like a jerk for it.
I work at a specialty coffee shop and I always find it amusing when you get someone coming up to you and asking. “Ta ha! Can I just get a plain COFFEE? Do you DO that here?!” You’re not being cute or funny, so just stop making an ass of yourself… we’ll both be happier.
Also, boo freaking hoo! You have to pour in your own cream and sugar? I used to work at a Timmies back in the day. They have machines that squirt out the exact amount of cream or sugar, perfectly rationed according to the size of your cup. Starbucks does not have that, get over it. Or better yet, take advantage of the fact that you can put in as much or as little as you want.
Also, why don’t we call Timmies workers baristas? It’s simple, Tim’s doesn’t do espresso.
Wow Guava, way to not get sarcasm… and no, I don’t say “ta ha” when I order a coffee. I can’t imagine anyone for any reason in any situation saying “ta ha”. What the fuck does that even mean?
Guava you still do the same shit as Tim’s people do. You pour liquid into a cup and hand it to people; you’re not a unique industry.
You’re wrong NGF.
He/she does it at half the speed, double the price, and triple the pretension.
NM, I’m really enjoying your comments lately also!
Great response, because it’s so true.
nice nevermind!
haha touche NM
the starbucks hater bandwagon has been filled for quite some time now.
Starbucks has coffee? I’ve tried their so-called coffee twice. I think I’d rather a mug of mud. Never tasted anything so rancid in my life. If you call yourself a coffee shop and can’t even make a half decent cup of coffee why the fuck would I try anything else.
Green Mountain Coffee SMOKES Starbucks, and its pretty much sold in the back of supermarkets. Did I say that significantly enough? SMOKES. Practically sets it on fire.
hey bro tim…. theyre pretty nice about watering coffee down for the old ladies, you can always ask… better yet just stop drinking coffee since you cant tell good coffee from mud- cuz im sure starbucks is multi-billion dollar corp cuz they make shit coffee.
Just Us! Coffee is pretty good, and it’s fair trade and maritime owned and operated. Didn’t seem overly pretentious for a specialty coffee place either.
Yeah but Starbuck’s an American company and Yanks think they make great beer (waterdown horse piss).
roflz “tanorexic”
Srsly though, some people’s special requests aren’t just because they’re being pains in the ass. When I go out and have a drink I have to TELL the bartenders I’m diabetic when I INSIST on diet coke or 7up with my rum/coke vodka/7 because otherwise they just think I’m being one of those twits who live off of salads. Once I asked if it was diet when they gave it to me and said I was diabetic (after one to many time being handed a regular coke) and they dumped it out and got me another drink.
Anyway, in the end, some of us make special requests because we HAVE to, not because we WANT to (because srsly, a non skinny dairy caramel latte tastes a whole lot better than a skinny soy latte without whip 🙁 )
“tanorexic”, heh.
Actually Nice Goin’ Fat, having worked at both Timmie’s and a specialty shop, I can tell you that neither job is “just pouring liquids into a cup and handing it to people.”
Also, where do you get it in your head that we think of ourselves as being a “unique industry” or that we think we’re better than everyone else?
I’ve heard of Coffee enemas, but a Latte douche?
F7 – its called marketing. they turned there coffee into a status symbol. If you were to stand out side a star bucks and offer people one dollar to pour there coffee into a generic white cup with no logo I doubt anyone would take you up on the offer. they are paying for the logo and not the coffee. It’s the brand they want.
I like my coffee black.
You can not believe how often that order gets fucked up…I mean how difficult can it be to just pour coffee from the pot into a cup & give it to me!
I’ve had them come black with sugar, with sweetner, with cream & sugar. With just a little cream -wtf-
I would love an explaination on how something that simple can get messed up.