Kill it with fire

The brassiere, or bra as it is known today, was invented by a man named Otto Titzling (“tit sling”) who lost a lawsuit with Phillip de Brassiere. Both were masochists, I decided. Of all the inventions available today, technologies that have been modernized and improved… Why is the bra still the same old hellish contraption? You mean to tell me nobody can’t fix its design? The only adjustments over the years have been to remove the (much-needed) straps to fit under strapless dresses or to make the cups less pointed. That’s it. All visual benefits (for men). None functional to improve comfort for the wearer (women). How about smoothing out those sharp fucking underwires that poke through after three wearings and stabs you in the fucking tit? You mean to tell me you can put a fucking man on the moon, invent phones that can record movies, eyeglasses that can connect to the internet, but nobody can put a sponge tip on the end of those fucking underwires? Or put some tape around the end, SOMETHING before stitching it inside the bra? No … They gotta be sharp as fuck. Seriously, the bra market SUCKS and women need to either settle for one low boob by wearing a sports bra, or it’s a half-cup cutesy bra that ends up cutting your tits in two creating 4 tits (the udder effect) How many stab wound to the tits/arm pit area must we encounter? Digging at it all day at work to adjust the sharp metal, eventually going to the bathroom, disgusted and hauling the whole wire out and throwing it in the trash, kissing away the 40 bucks you spent then going back to work with lopsided tits. Those half-cups that are so sexy and appealing to the men (like Victor ‘s Secret), but who are we kidding? With the active lifestyles women lead these days, the tits just fall right out. They’re not functional. The skinny straps are sharp too like daggers cutting into my shoulders, or you can have those ugly wide industrial straps like those granny flesh-tone jobbies. I have had to go through life with tits looking like they’ve been propped up on a shelf, torpedo tits pointing in two different directions, flattened tits, log tits (from bras that mould both mounds into a long horizontal log) but you can never get a bra that gives you decent shapage and acceptable comfort. Now I have lovely permanent bruising from years of wearing these torture contraptions. I’ve fucking had it. I get it now. I know what those women in the 70’s were thinkin’ lightin em on fire! Let the muthafuckas burn. Fuck men and their preferences. I don’t care that you like to see too globs of fat smushed together and hauled up so high till their right under my neck. I don’t care if they bounce or offend or if my headlights get turned on through my shirt. I can’t take it no more! Studies have shown that bras actually reduce elasticity in the breast tissue. It works the same was as a corset…eventually your core muscles get wasted away and you can’t do without it. Well, wearing a bra all the time actually causes your tits to sag. So whatchu waitin for? Join the movement. Burn the bras 2015! —Momma Juggs

This article appears in Apr 2-8, 2015.